Ivae Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 Ok, this sounds very negativ - I feel a bit bad for complaing so much, but I don't know what to think anymore, so I figured the opinion of someone who ist not directly involved would be helpful. For almost two years now, I've been leading a far-distance relationship with my boyfriend. We met online, und just instantly clicked. It's been hard, we try to see each other at least every second weekend, but it's taking a toll on both of us. I'm also very much in love, so in the end it's woth it., and even if we don't see each other that often, we still do a lot of things togethjer. We plan to move together in summer this year, when my education is finished and I can search for a job in "his" city. It's a second-chance education, I'm acutally in my thirties. The thing is - though he can be very nice and loving, he very often is not. I knew that from the start - he's not good at expressing his feelings, and were always teasing each other a lot. But over time, the teasing part has become more and more prominent, as well with me being corrected in a condescending manner constantly. I've talked with him about it multiple times, but in the end he thinks it's me making things up and being too sensitive - according to him, he treats all his friends like that (which is not true). It makes me feel stupid, and insecure about myself. Also, I hate being constantly on guard because almost everything I say or do is an invite for him to make fun of me. Lately I always feel angry and irritable and depressed when talking to him - even if, at the moment, everything is ok and we talk normally. There are many good things about him and our relationship. He is caring, a good lisntener when I need one. I know he loves me .Since I know him not a day has gone by without him making me laugh. I just wish he would stop being such a smart ass. It's really affecting me, and makes me question my decision to live with him, which is awful
FMW Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 You've expressed how you feel about it and he even makes you feel bad about that. This is him. Are all the good things about him enough to put up with feeling angry, irritable and depressed over his "teasing"? You only see each other every other weekend. If you move to his city and are with him all the time, it's very likely to get worse. Questioning your decision to live with him is smart. 3
neowulf Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 5 hours ago, FMW said: You've expressed how you feel about it and he even makes you feel bad about that. This is him. Are all the good things about him enough to put up with feeling angry, irritable and depressed over his "teasing"? You only see each other every other weekend. If you move to his city and are with him all the time, it's very likely to get worse. Questioning your decision to live with him is smart. This is spot on. People who enjoy "teasing" their partners don't change. If it's something that upsets you and degrades you, then think very carefully about how you proceed. 1
ShyViolet Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 15 hours ago, Ivae said: We plan to move together in summer this year, when my education is finished and I can search for a job in "his" city. It's a second-chance education, I'm acutally in my thirties. You should NOT move in with this guy. You've told him that his teasing and belittling bothers you, and his reaction was to refuse to listen to you and blame you for being "too sensitive." He is not going to stop doing this. Going from only seeing each other every other weekend, to being together every day living together, of course this will get 10x worse. You already know that he treats you badly, and he's made it clear that he has NO intention of changing that. It's very strange how you keep saying he's a caring person and you're very much in love, except for one small detail that he treats you badly, belittles you and makes you feel bad about yourself. This makes NO sense. A relationship shouldn't be like this. You need to break up with him. And then you should go to therapy to figure out why you were willing to allow someone to treat you badly like this, and why you would think that it's a good relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 17 hours ago, Ivae said: and according to him, he treats all his friends like that (which is not true). But you are not his friend, you are the woman he loves and should elevate and celebrate, not put down with teasing as if you were part of the boys. Your boyfriend is not a man yet. He is so self centered he can't even think one moment of your feellings, actually he refuses to acknowledge you have feelings and they are hurt. Only an over grown boy thinks like that. It's a mistake for you to move in with him. What you see is what's waiting for you X 10. Loving him will not be enough, it should never be enough when we're being treated less than we deserve. 1
basil67 Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 I agree it would be a mistake to move in with him - and certainly not in the current state of affairs. And honestly, if I were you I'd have no hesitation in dumping him without trying to work through it. If you really want to give it one last shot.... as calm discussions are not effective, about the only option left to you (and please tell me if you've tried it) is to dish it straight back to him. Sarcasm (yeah, like you're the expert on everything), rejecting his comments (yeah, F off!) Stonewalling (hang up/walk out). Of course, this could also have the effect of escalating the situation....but perhaps the outcome of escalating would be that you'd end it quicker? Really though, just give him the flick. Nobody should be subjected to teasing and mockery. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 On 3/2/2021 at 5:01 AM, Ivae said: It's really affecting me, and makes me question my decision to live with him, which is awful It's not awful that his bad behavior is making you question your plan to move in with him in the summer. It's great that this is happening! It's your own common sense telling you this is a bad idea. What would be awful is if you failed to listen to yourself & you moved in to what you know deep down is an untenable situation. You will spend money moving there. You will get there & things will go south very fast because if you are this on edge around him while apart a 24/7 diet of him teasing you & belittling you will destroy you. Then you will have to spend more money getting out of there. Graduate & send out resumes. Go where you get a job not where some guy is. 5
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 (edited) OK last ditch effort....when he does it again, lose your mind over it. Don't be a whiny spinless baby. Be very firm, tell him your discontent, the way it makes you feel degraded, as his GF you expect respect...then walk away, or excuse yourself from the conversation. I get it you love him, but if trying to not let him get away with it doesn't work and or he walks, then it just shows you the amount of love/respect he actually has for you....very little. I know you don't want to lose him, but if this doesn't stop and you stay, you lose yourself. I would be very wary if I were you...abusers come off as charming/wonderful at first...then things like this type of behavior comes to the surface. This is a form of abuse. I would hate to think how bad it's going to get for you once you are living with him, and hardly a way out financially. Edited March 3, 2021 by smackie9 3
Fletch Lives Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 He sounds like a control freak. Not a good catch.
spiderowl Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 (edited) There is teasing, which friends do for fun and which you recognise as such, and there is the kind of teasing which is really hidden aggression and sarcasm. The latter makes you feel hurt and belittled; the former makes you feel part of the group and loved - you are happy to give as good as you get. I think this 'teasing' or whatever he calls it will get you down if you move in with him. You will become even more demoralised and depressed. Your unconscious mind is warning you that there is a problem. I remember meeting a friend's husband for the first time. He had got back from work and when I spoke to him he made a sarcastic comment. I assumed he was tired, joking and being humorous but I remember thinking 'I'm not sure if I like this guy'. Many years later, and one abusive relationship later, my friend escaped from her relationship with a battered face and her kids had been hit as well. She said later he used to be sarcastic a lot. Then it escalated into him having tantrums and even throwing things. Later, he terrorised her kids. I'd never thought of sarcasm as a bad sign but I will certainly bear it in mind now. If you move in with your boyfriend, you will end up committed to paying your way, possibly committed to a lease for a specific time, and if you don't get a job then being dependent on him financially. How would you feel about those situations? Do you feel happy and secure enough with him to trust him? Edited March 4, 2021 by spiderowl 1
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) There’s no excuse for it IMO. Don’t tolerate it. I’ve been in rships far more intelligent, more well read, and successful. I guarantee you still know stuff he doesn’t know. I would never tolerate disrespect or condescension. Relationships should be about mutual respect and helping each other grow. If he is disrespecting or putting you down he does not value you enough. You make the call and raise your value by leaving. Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
HiCrunchy Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 nah he is just being a jerk. its not about being smart. 1
vla1120 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 Someone who loves you won't make you feel dumb. Harmless teasing is one thing, but he's crossing the line. He should be your guardian, your protector (and you for him), not someone who makes you feel small and dumb. You should give him an ultimatum. He has to stop this behavior before you will consider moving in with him. If he does not, then you have your answer. 1
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