Unofficially official?

[kenziejane]

This feels so incredibly silly, but here I am. 

I have had terrible dating luck since my divorce, which was almost two years ago now. At the moment, I'm about 2 and half months into dating a really great guy. He checks a lot of my boxes and I'm pretty crazy about him. Like can't stop thinking about him type of feels. We've reached a comfortable routine in our relationship...I spend the night at his house twice a week, and then we see each other on weekends. We spent Valentine's Day together and have even booked a trip for the end of the month. 

My friends keep asking...so is he your boyfriend? And I honestly have no idea. It feels like it. But neither of us are really big on talking about "feelings" or getting vulnerable. Like he's told me how he feels about me, and I've told him how I feel about him. But that's the extent. I didn't date a whole lot before I was with/married my ex. I think at one point my ex just said, "so are you my girlfriend now?" and that was that.

I think maybe I've been waiting for this new guy to say something about it because I'm so afraid of asking. Which I know is ridiculous. On V-Day, he did casually refer to himself as my boyfriend. Something like "just tell her your boyfriend said this..." And he didn't seem too put off when I told him my coworkers were asking a lot of questions about my new boyfriend. 

So I guess at this point...like is it just an unsaid thing? I'm so bad at all of this. We're meeting my friends next weekend for the first time, so I thought of maybe just asking beforehand if it was okay if I introduced him as my boyfriend. 

I'm just wary, because at one point in time I was dating someone for about four months. When I asked if we could be official, he said he didn't want a relationship and I was embarrassed and hurt. It was an entirely different situation, and felt so much different than this, but still can't help but think about that. 

I really wish he would just bring it up, but alas has not happened. I don't want to assume anything and then get hurt later. I totally realize this is a simple case of communication, but I think a lot of past trauma has really gotten in the way of me really being able to open up here. (For context, I'm 31 and he's 28). 

Edited March 1, 2021 by kenziejane
Added ages for context

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, kenziejane said:

We're meeting my friends next weekend for the first time, so I thought of maybe just asking beforehand if it was okay if I introduced him as my boyfriend. 

It sounds like it's going very well and you are dating exclusively.  Introduce him by his name, that avoids awkwardness. Labels don't mean much. However his actions do.

[basil67]

He sounds like a boyfriend to me    

After two years together, rather than 'what are we?" discussion, I think it's more important to know if you're aligned in what you want from the relationship and if your time lines are the same.   At 31, if you want kids one day, you don't have time to lose on a guy who doesn't want long term commitment or kids for another 15 years.   

So what do you want?   

Edited March 1, 2021 by basil67

[LibrarianLady89]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like it's going very well and you are dating exclusively.  Introduce him by his name, that avoids awkwardness. Labels don't mean much. However his actions do.

Thank you for saying this. I honestly am not hung up on labels but my friends are harping on me always about it. To me, it feels like a relationship and it is one. 
 

I agree, I def don’t want to make it awkward for him! Oh 

[LibrarianLady89]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He sounds like a boyfriend to me    

After two years together, rather than 'what are we?" discussion, I think it's more important to know if you're aligned in what you want from the relationship and if your time lines are the same.   At 31, if you want kids one day, you don't have time to lose on a guy who doesn't want long term commitment or kids for another 15 years.   

So what do you want?   

So true. We do want the same things, from conversations we’ve had. Everything about it feels healthy and moving at a normal progression. I think other people just get into my head sometimes about slapping a label on everything. But I don’t think we need to make any big declarations or anything.

Thank you!

[d0nnivain]

Labels freak some people out, especially men who are still in their 20s. 

I always approached the conversation like this: 

Hey I know labels freak people out but I'm somebody who likes clarity.  I also believe that you can't cheat on somebody unless you have both talked about the status of your relationship & agreed not to see other people.  Until those mutual promises are made it's multi-dating, no harm, no foul. just please go out of your way to make sure you don't rub it in my face & protect my health.  That said, I like where we are & I'm not seeing anybody else.  I just wanted to know where you stood.  No pressure.  I'm cool the way things are.

Then I'd gage his reaction.  

On the flip side, there were times when I required exclusivity prior to having sex.  Since you are past that point, at best you are looking for clarity.  

If you are going to be upset if he tells you that you are not the only woman he's seeing you have to know what you plan to do in that case before you open this can of worms.  

Edited March 1, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

It all sounds nice to me, and I'm the pessimist one on here

Did you meet online? If both your profiles are down and with his shy mention of being your boyfriend I'd consider myself with a boyfriend, and contrary to wiseman I'd have no hesitation to introduce him as such, best way to know if he has a problem with it. 

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

After two years together, rather than 'what are we?" discussion,

2,5 months

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Labels DO matter, but I don't think you have anything to worry about at this point. He's already referred to himself as your boyfriend. 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

2,5 months

 Bah!   Now my advice is all wrong 

@kenziejane please ignore my previous comment 

[DaddyDom]

As a guy I just personally focus on planning dates, having fun, and hooking up with a woman. I live in the moment, and take it date by date. In my experience women are kind of like cats where they want to come and go as they please. They need time to give their loyalty to a guy. If a guy tries to "lock her down" pushing for a label it is ultimately out if insecurity IMO. It takes confidence to have patience to allow a woman to get there on her own terms. In my experience when she's ready, she brings up asking what we are and it is discussed then. 

[MsJayne]

He's your boyfriend, he said so on Valentines Day and he's still there, so yep, he's defo your BF.  Make the most of this wonderful period of uncertainty and heady romance, because within the next couple of months he'll start farting in front of you, and then you'll have no doubts about your girlfriend status. 

[Miss Spider]

He’s your bf yay

[Be Cool]

If everything is going that well, then why trouble yourselves with this labelling thingy? 

That's the problem with human beings: We tend to over-complicate things.

[Dis]

If it's going to bother you, talk to him (It would bother me too ) 

 

I think with the way dating is it's smart to be on the same page but it all looks great so far! 

 

Congrats!  

[ShyViolet]

Well he did already use the word "boyfriend" referring to himself, so that kinda answers your question.

But I think it's important to have the exclusivity talk and be clear about it.  If you're this afraid to communicate with him then the relationship will run into trouble.  You have to get over your fear of communicating with him.