amygirl908 Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 I'm just going to keep this pretty short. Sorry to leave out details I just don't have the bandwidth and I'm still trying to process. Please ask as many questions as you'd like. I have a pretty tight knit group of friends we're like a family. I made the mistake of hooking up with one of my friends a few weeks ago and that's caused problems. This is a whole different issue in itself. I finally got him to agree to talk through our feelings and what we're doing - he's conflict aversive and has been avoiding the conversation by being busy or inviting our other friends to hang out with us and in the beginning I avoided it too. I told my one of my best friends about the meeting and she said she was so happy that it was finally going to happen and that we needed the opportunity to relieve the tension within the friend group. Then girlfriend goes and invites him to hang out that night while I was at my doctors appointment - him and I had agreed to meet up after my acupuncture and he flaked on me. I only found out because last night they got a little tipsy and casually admitted they hung out that night. She made a point to say in front of everyone I told you (the guy) not to eff around with people (me). She's encouraged us to be together and then turned around and been like screw you guys for ruining the friend group which is total unfounded. Now to provide a little context girlfriend is married with kids and in a crap marriage. I have been with her through everything. She comes in and out of our friend group whenever it's convenient for her ie. when her and her husband are fighting and when they're not she's completely MIA. What developed between boyfriend and me was organic and unexpected we avoided it for a long time and ultimately gave into it. I'm really disappointed in him for letting her come in between us because we had a really close connection (at least I thought). He's helped me through so much before and after everything happened and until the last week or so has always been there for me. The easy thing to do would be to cut this toxic mess out of my life, but that's not really an option right now, at least not immediately. At this point no one really knows I've put all of this together. When we parted ways last night it was like everything was normal. Although I don't think it will take too long for them to figure out how I feel. This morning I removed myself from all of our group chats which may have been a little immature but I am just so over it and really hurt. They're both my best friends but she should never have done that to me. I certainly want to start distancing myself from those two, but running into them is unavoidable and when they figure out I know my phone will be blowing up with excuses and that's just not acceptable to me anymore. I would appreciate any kind of perspective or advice... maybe someone has been in a similar situation. We all have on going business together right now and it's a pretty small community. Completely burning bridges isn't a good idea at least not right now. I feel like I want to be able to hold them accountable but also don't know if that's going to make a difference and I'm going to do it when I'm ready not when they want me to be ready. Thanks LS community and happy Friday
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 I'm not sure I follow but I need some clarification about what this guy is to you: BF? ONS? business partner? friend? It sounds like you two hooked up & then things got weird. You confided in a GF & then she did more damage by spending alone time with him & making an issue over whatever happened between you & the guy. I can't help be wonder if the GF & the guy hooked up. I know you said she's married but that doesn't stop some people. For the sake of the business you have to suck it up in the short term. You have to act normal like none of this bothers you while you are running the business but you can pull back from some of the personal. Meanwhile, do search for another friend group & never again trust this woman with intimate details of your life.
Author amygirl908 Posted February 26, 2021 Author Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I'm not sure I follow but I need some clarification about what this guy is to you: BF? ONS? business partner? friend? The lines between those things have been blurred for a while now, from even before we hooked up, which is why I was looking forward to clarifying things and hashing things out. I have been trying for weeks. He's got BF expectations, but has never communicated those to me and that's what causes problems. If I take us at our word and not how we act, we are friends and he's a silent partner for a business I just launched, but we see each other daily. It's needed but these changes are going to be an adjustment and potentially problematic if he's not on the same page. 16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It sounds like you two hooked up & then things got weird. We hooked up and if I'm not mistaken he fell in love with me or developed feelings he didn't care to or wasn't ready to have. I care very much for him but I'm not there. I don't want to be with anyone right now and I'm stuck short term until I can pay him back which shouldn't be too long he didn't help me out too much. 16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I can't help be wonder if the GF & the guy hooked up. I wonder about that now too I never thought she'd do that to me, but clearly I was very wrong about what she would and wouldn't do to me. I don't feel like I can trust anything she's ever told me. I appreciate your advice and agree with you. I am definitely pulling back on the personal. I wish that we could go back to how we used to be, but I know that's not how it works. The business side is going to be a few more months, but I gotta get out of that too. Edited February 26, 2021 by amygirl908
ShyViolet Posted February 27, 2021 Posted February 27, 2021 If it was this difficult to get this guy to talk to you or communicate with you, then there never was a future with him. This sounds like middle school stuff. At this point the best thing to do is probably to just distance yourself from both of them until things calm down. Be the bigger person. Nothing much else to be done. 1
Author amygirl908 Posted February 27, 2021 Author Posted February 27, 2021 16 hours ago, ShyViolet said: This sounds like middle school stuff. Tell me about it. I was in shock yesterday. I’ve calmed down a lot since then. I’m taking the weekend to myself to recharge and get some space. Doing some self care.
basil67 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 On 2/27/2021 at 4:31 AM, amygirl908 said: I care very much for him but I'm not there. I don't want to be with anyone right now and I'm stuck short term until I can pay him back which shouldn't be too long he didn't help me out too much. [snip] I wonder about that now too I never thought she'd do that to me, but clearly I was very wrong about what she would and wouldn't do to me. I don't feel like I can trust anything she's ever told me. You've got a bit of contradiction going on here. You say that you're not there (I assume you mean ready for a relationship). That you don't want to be with anyone right now. But you're also mad that your friend may have hooked up with him. Thing is, if you and he are not an item and you don't want to be an item....I can't see that she did anything to you at all.
Author amygirl908 Posted February 28, 2021 Author Posted February 28, 2021 1 hour ago, basil67 said: You've got a bit of contradiction going on here. You say that you're not there (I assume you mean ready for a relationship). That you don't want to be with anyone right now. But you're also mad that your friend may have hooked up with him. Thing is, if you and he are not an item and you don't want to be an item....I can't see that she did anything to you at all. Whether they are hooking up or not is irrelevant, but I would never hook up with someone my friend was hooking up with and I knew they had feelings for each other, just because it wasn’t “official”. I might not be in love with him but there are feelings beyond friendship there and she knows that. A real friend wouldn’t do that. What bothers me is that he and I were supposed to have a conversation about what we were doing, what we wanted, define our expectations.... it was an important conversation and she went out of her way to interfere with and lied about it. Again not something a friend does to another friend.
basil67 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) And if indeed you do want a relationship with him, I completely agree with you. It was the bit where you talk about you not wanting to be with anyone right now which is what confused matters. No matter what he says in the conversation, if you don't want to be with anyone then the whole point is moot. Did you tell her that you don't want to be with anyone right now? Perhaps she thought you weren't interested in a relationship. Edited February 28, 2021 by basil67
Author amygirl908 Posted March 1, 2021 Author Posted March 1, 2021 She knows I’d be interested in a relationship but I’m weary because he has kids. I love kids I don’t care that he has kids but I know his kids and his kids mom are important to him, I’m not trying to step on that. These are things I wanted to talk about with him. I would want to understand how we would work around that before I’d consider a relationship. Transitioning from friends to something else is a big deal when kids are involved and his baby momma is very involved (another subject). All things said she was well aware of my feelings about a relationship. What she did hurt me and it’s not all on her to be fair I’m disappointed in him too. This weekend away was nice.
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 On 2/26/2021 at 2:56 PM, amygirl908 said: . I made the mistake of hooking up with one of my friends a few weeks ago and that's caused problems. This is a whole different issue in itself. I finally got him to agree to talk through our feelings and what we're doing - he's conflict aversive and has been avoiding the conversation by being busy or inviting our other friends to hang out with us and in the beginning I avoided it too. Sounds like he is not interested in you at all. He hooked up, but is not interested in anything more. He even recruited your other friend to hang about with to avoid speaking one to one with you. She is correct to point out that he is effing around with you as he is. He hit it and now wants to quit it... 1
Miss Spider Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 I know it may be easy to see her as the bad guy here are, but could it be that she’s actually trying to help you in the best way she knows how? Maybe she sees what he’s doing better than you can and she doesn’t want what was once a nice friend group to explode in disaster like it tends to do when people start sleeping/trying to sleep with each other. I don’t know why you’re interested in guys that would flake on you like that get get mad at your friend about it? He’s the one that slept with you and then avoids you ? On 2/26/2021 at 9:56 AM, amygirl908 said: then girlfriend goes and invites him to hang out that night while I was at my doctors appointment - him and I had agreed to meet up after my acupuncture and he flaked on me. I only found out because last night they got a little tipsy and casually admitted they hung out that night. She made a point to say in front of everyone I told you (the guy) not to eff around with people (me). She's encouraged us to be together and then turned around and been like screw you guys for ruining the friend group which is total unfounded.
Author amygirl908 Posted March 2, 2021 Author Posted March 2, 2021 On 3/1/2021 at 4:36 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I know it may be easy to see her as the bad guy here are, but could it be that she’s actually trying to help you in the best way she knows how? Maybe she sees what he’s doing better than you can and she doesn’t want what was once a nice friend group to explode in disaster like it tends to do when people start sleeping/trying to sleep with each other. I don’t know why you’re interested in guys that would flake on you like that get get mad at your friend about it? He’s the one that slept with you and then avoids you ? I am upset because she went behind my back to stop a conversation from happening that would have sorted all of this nonsense out. I know she didn't want it to end in disaster, but if she was only trying to do the right thing she wouldn't have gone out of her way to keep it a secret. I'm not just upset at her what they both did was disrespectful to me. He doesn't avoid me, we all used to see each other almost everyday. What he has avoided is when I ask if we can get together and chat before we all meet up for dinner or whatever he will say yes, but then gets caught up at work or for whatever reason cancels. After taking this weekend away from everyone it's just not drama I care to be involved with anymore and I hope that after things settle down maybe we can all be friends again, but I'm over this. We're all adults and we should be able to talk about these things. I've been in situations like this before where if everyone just talks it out everything works out just fine.
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