Miss Peach Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 On 3/13/2021 at 8:56 PM, Dis said: [] My ex and I loved each other with all our hearts and still do. He was the first man to show me what it is to be loved and cared for and respected. I had never been treated well before and now I feel like that's all I'll want. We don't regret our time together and we will miss each other a lot. But on the other side of the coin, I know I shouldn't have gotten into this and if I had taken more time to assess, I would've know this wasn't right for me. I think this is huge to be honest. I can see how you would have wanted to try and not give up. Now you know it doesn't work for you. If it weren't for his kid would you want him still? My ex bf wanted another chance but between the kiddo and another issue I didn't really see it working. I did suggest him moving out and keeping separate from kiddo as a compromise. I had hoped to blend but was possibly willing to compartmentalize if we could work out the other issue. Is that something you two may want? There are a lot of single parents who like to date and never bring the SO in until they child is much older. I would also suggest trying to get out of there sooner than later. I still cared so I wasn't going to kick him out into a bad situation but having him there didn't make it easy to heal and do what I needed to do. 2
BC1980 Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 (edited) I dated a widower for 3 years that had an 8 year old son. I was his first serious relationship after his wife died. There was good and bad. Trade offs I guess. You don't get as much time alone with your significant other, which can be good and bad. My ex's son didn't want us to get married. I have no idea why. His son was very ambivalent towards me for the first few years. I don't think that his wanting us not to get married had anything to do with me personally. You have to be prepared for stuff like that. Be prepared his kids don't want you together. My ex felt a lot of guilt that his son grew up without a mother and didn't remember her. He was quite young when she died. So my ex's son was spoiled to some extent and never told NO. Things became kind of weird after my ex told me that the reason he hadn't proposed yet was because of his son. I don't know how much of a part that played in our breakup. At this point, I would prefer to date someone with no children or older children. Younger children need a lot more attention, and you'll always play second fiddle. Edited March 15, 2021 by BC1980 1
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: My concern is not so much the mistake. In fact I think mistakes hold a lot of value, in that they hold the key to learning and growing. But that by (seemingly) minimizing the mistake and (seemingly) focusing on how annoying the kid is, you may not come out with the personal growth that would help you form healthy relationships in the future. I've actually blown it out of proportion to the point where I've had anxiety attacks about it and had to schedule emergency appointments with my therapist who tells me to forgive myself and that she feels I've learned and grown from this...and she really takes no prisoners. She's tough. But thanks
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 8 hours ago, Allupinnit said: I'm a stepparent and told her the same thing, down to the specifics. I'd also like to repeat, blended family situations take TIME to gel, sometimes even years. Patience. Maturity. Sacrifice. It was tough at first but my SD and I have a very special relationship now that I wouldn't trade for a thing. I can't imagine the thinking that went behind selling your lovely home to move in with a child you barely know, though. I'm still baffled by that. I'm sure you're right and I'm happy for you that you're happy with your arrangement I think there's just too many built up resentment in my story to get to that point I rented my last place, wasn't mine.... and am getting it back late summer
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 7 hours ago, FMW said: I think that's a comment that struck a chord with a lot of the posters. I don't have children, I don't have siblings. Children have always seemed a little alien to me, even when I was one. So I get that it might be really unpleasant and crazy making to be in the situation you are in. But saying the kid is making your life hell, while choosing to stay in the situation, doesn't come off as taking responsibility for where your choices put you. I get that you took a chance and learned the hard way, many of us do that. I get that you are limited where you can go because of your cat. And I really do feel bad for you to be in a situation that makes you so unhappy. But that comment - however true - is jarring. You're unfortunately in an unhappy position, temporarily, of your own making. By saying he is making your life hell it does sound like you are placing the blame on him instead of accepting that it comes down to your choices. Yes, you've acknowledged that you made a mistake, but continuing to focus on the son diminishes that acknowledgment. I certainly don't want to beat up on you, we all do things that don't turn out the way we had hoped or planned. But it's not helpful to continue laying blame on the boy. 4 hours ago, Miss Peach said: I think this is huge to be honest. I can see how you would have wanted to try and not give up. Now you know it doesn't work for you. If it weren't for his kid would you want him still? My ex bf wanted another chance but between the kiddo and another issue I didn't really see it working. I did suggest him moving out and keeping separate from kiddo as a compromise. I had hoped to blend but was possibly willing to compartmentalize if we could work out the other issue. Is that something you two may want? There are a lot of single parents who like to date and never bring the SO in until they child is much older. I would also suggest trying to get out of there sooner than later. I still cared so I wasn't going to kick him out into a bad situation but having him there didn't make it easy to heal and do what I needed to do. Awww you're so sweet Miss Peach. Thank you I might keep dating him but live apart...but there really wouldn't be a future for me in that. Just us as a couple living separate lives that wouldn't mesh down the line. Plus his health issues which are bound to get pretty bad down the line. All in all these things aren't conducive to the life I want. In my state there aren't a lot of month to month rentals and even the extended stays don't take pets. Plus my ex and are amicable so there's no huge rush although once I find something I'll be out in a heart beat. I've put posts out on fb, craigslist, so I'm doing everything I can to move out asap
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 2 hours ago, BC1980 said: I dated a widower for 3 years that had an 8 year old son. I was his first serious relationship after his wife died. There was good and bad. Trade offs I guess. You don't get as much time alone with your significant other, which can be good and bad. My ex's son didn't want us to get married. I have no idea why. His son was very ambivalent towards me for the first few years. I don't think that his wanting us not to get married had anything to do with me personally. You have to be prepared for stuff like that. Be prepared his kids don't want you together. My ex felt a lot of guilt that his son grew up without a mother and didn't remember her. He was quite young when she died. So my ex's son was spoiled to some extent and never told NO. Things became kind of weird after my ex told me that the reason he hadn't proposed yet was because of his son. I don't know how much of a part that played in our breakup. At this point, I would prefer to date someone with no children or older children. Younger children need a lot more attention, and you'll always play second fiddle. I remember your posts BC! Very well. I hope you're doing well! The playing second fiddle, that was an issue for me even though I did try really hard to gel with it. The fighting as a result of that kept us from moving forward more than anything else. I just couldn't get in line with it. I do feel his son didn't want us to be together and at the end of the day, kids have the end all be all say even if they are 5 years old. But I do know my ex wouldn't have let his son dictate. If I was happy with it we would've been fine. My ex made concessions for me. It was up to me. I chose to leave.
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, poppyfields said: Hi Dis, I for one don't see you focusing on "the kid," I think you might have earlier but what I see now from your recent posts is your taking full ownership of your actions, and learning therefrom. Your recent post venting how annoying "the kid" is? IME, it was just that, a vent to friends on an anonymous advice forum, to which you're entitled imo. We ALL need to vent from time to time, nothing wrong with that. Again, it's not like you took your annoyance out on him directly, you came here, what should be a safe place to emote such frustrations. Goodness, you had just arrived home after a 16-hour shift, you were exhausted! Your frustration was understandable, doesn't mean you were (or are) "blaming" him. Keep looking forward Dis - cozy cottage in the woods, getting back to YOU and a sense of peace... Only, a few more months. Awww thank you poppy. This was really nice to hear Yes the extra shifts have been tough. Currently my floor is all psych/COVID which means I'm getting yelled at/hit/kicked/spit on all while wearing full PPE on a daily basis. My company is getting sold so we are getting the beds filled as quickly as possible to show the new oncoming company that we are profitable so that mean taking on combative patients no other facility will take. It's testing my patience but I still do love my job...I just don't have a lot of patience at the end of the day, I just want peace again at home. In terms of taking accountability, I can retrace every step I've taken and I can see where I've gone wrong. I truly don't blame anyone for my choices. Just becaus his son annoys me and my ex moved me in doesn't mean I blame them. Obvi his son is a kid and doesn't know any better and my ex really wanted o try, as did I. But I can see that if I had taken more time to assess before I jumped in, I would've thought twice. I blame that on myself. But at the same time I kind of don't regret this....as I've said before, I met a wonderful man who treated me so well and now I won't settle for an unkind man again. I also won't feel that pressure to force a future into existence. To me, that is a big win because I wasn't able to let go of that pressure before. Now I just want to get back to the country and be happy on my own and whatever my future will or will not be. And yes, I really am just venting. When my ex's son is here I keep to myself in the bedroom. And when I do come downstairs it's for brief moments and then I'm back upstairs. I don't make the way I feel known because even though I'm entitled to my feelings, that doesn't mean anyone else needs to know about them. I'm already dreaming of my old place an getting back there. I can already hear the tree frogs and birds. Just have to hold steady until them. Edited March 16, 2021 by Dis
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 And let's be honest, I didn't go into this in regards to the kid while the whole heartedness of a parent because I'm not the parent I did however have good intentions for everyone involved
Blind-Sided Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 On 3/14/2021 at 8:47 AM, elaine567 said: Where to though? Rentals especially short term ones, do not usually allow pets and she already has somewhere to go in July. I can't say where exactly, because we all live in different parts of the world, and the housing situation is different everywhere. I have a friend who is finally pulling away from her stbXh, and she is looking at houses. They are all over the place... just like any other time. Ironically... I've been talking with her about this for a while now. We have talked about her moving back "Home" for a while, and with other friends. At one point, I even said she could crash at my house for a while... but unfortunately, I don't really have room for her kids too. I'm glad she has somewhere to go in July... but for her mental health... and to not confuse the kid... she should get out now. As someone else said... she works, and has some money. I'm not saying it's easy, or convenient... but there is always somewhere to go. 2
Starswillshine Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 Kids can be annoying sometimes. Im a mom of 4, so I love kids. Even still, they can be brats and get on my nerves, especially kids who are not mine. Parents raise their own kids and shape them with the idea of behaviors they can tolerate. Which makes it difficult for anyone who is an outsider, with ot without kids. And doubly so for those without any kids. In this regard, the blame is on the father. He should have given it more time to allow to see how interactions between Dis and his child will go. Im a single mom myself, and even though I knew my boyfriend was really good with kids, I still had him around my kids in small doses for a long time before he basically moved in. However, with that significant role, he can act as their parent and discipline as he sees fit. I trust him in that regard, if I didnt, we wouldn't be together. That being said, I was a young child once with a step mom. She was young. No kids of her own at the time. She called me manipulative, too (and I was not intending to at all... I was just being a kid, and she was just inexperience with children). She was quite hostile with me in the early years. I have spent many years in therapy to reverse that damage. I cant really blame her. She was young and got thrown into this mom role. I blame a lot for my dad who didn't put much thought into it. We, as a parents, are responsible for our children anf their mental health... and the people we bring into their lives. But also, we, as a society, are also responsible to not screw up kids that will require years of therapy. You now know. So next time you can make better informed decisions and proceed with caution... and see if there are any potential children... if they will vibe with you or not. 1
Miss Peach Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 14 hours ago, Dis said: Awww you're so sweet Miss Peach. Thank you I might keep dating him but live apart...but there really wouldn't be a future for me in that. Just us as a couple living separate lives that wouldn't mesh down the line. Plus his health issues which are bound to get pretty bad down the line. All in all these things aren't conducive to the life I want. I totally get that. Just thought I would bring it up. I divorced when kiddo was a toddler so I had always hoped I would find someone to blend with. So keeping them separate felt like settling to me but I was willing to offer it as a compromise while working on the other issues in therapy. Just so I can understand what percentage of custody did he have and what did it mean to you when he left you to parent? That was something my ex had a tough time with so I'm trying to understand what I could be doing better for next time. My ex has issues with being alone and would use a lot of crutches to fill that. For a long time he would go to different groups, clubs, meetings, etc. on most nights I had my kid. When COVID hit he lost them and I couldn't fill it so I think it felt way worse for him to take that back seat so I could do parenting things like bedtime or homework. I always assumed a lot of it was because he wasn't the type who could have fun alone. He would tell me he always felt bored and lonely on his own. While I can always find something to do and enjoy time to myself.
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 5 hours ago, Miss Peach said: I totally get that. Just thought I would bring it up. I divorced when kiddo was a toddler so I had always hoped I would find someone to blend with. So keeping them separate felt like settling to me but I was willing to offer it as a compromise while working on the other issues in therapy. Just so I can understand what percentage of custody did he have and what did it mean to you when he left you to parent? That was something my ex had a tough time with so I'm trying to understand what I could be doing better for next time. My ex has issues with being alone and would use a lot of crutches to fill that. For a long time he would go to different groups, clubs, meetings, etc. on most nights I had my kid. When COVID hit he lost them and I couldn't fill it so I think it felt way worse for him to take that back seat so I could do parenting things like bedtime or homework. I always assumed a lot of it was because he wasn't the type who could have fun alone. He would tell me he always felt bored and lonely on his own. While I can always find something to do and enjoy time to myself. Yeah and it wouldn't be fair to the parent or the kid either. I think when we find a partner, things are only fullfilling if you share each other lives and all that that entails. I'm sure it would bother a parent if the person they're dating kind of said, I want to date you but I don't want to be around your kid so let's live apart...or something to that effect Single parents and their children need to be accepted too He has almost 50/50 custody. We have him on all our days off which is 3 days a week. THAT was very, very difficult and really caused a swift break down in the relationship as there was little to no time for each other. But I think I wanted to parent, didn't want to sit on the sidelines. But when it came to discipline, I didn't mind doing that it's just that he didn't listen to me. The second my ex left his son just took that as, okay this lady doesn't have any say over me and daddy is gone so I'll take that as my cue to act up. I don't blame that on the kid though, it's his mom's fault. When he's at her house he has the worst tantrums, to the point where she has to call my ex to get him to calm down and enforce boundaries. He hits/bites/kicks/screams/hurts the dogs and is verbally abusive to his mom and his grandmother/siblings (they all live together). So no wonder why he think he doesn't have to listen to women. I do think that dating a single parent thing is kind of an unnatural thing. You are play second fiddle to someone else from the get go but you're kind of expected to be fine with it. Just doesn't sit right. It's hard because when you're just dating or early on living together, instead of building your relationship, you're on the back burner instead and so is your budding relationship. It doesn't get the time, attention, care it needs to grow. I think that works for some people who are willing to accept that's what it's going to be like but for other's it just breeds resentment. Sounds like your ex was high maintenance and tbh, so I am. Those of us who need to be upfront and center with our partner don't do well coming in second to another person. We just end up getting resentful and feeling like our needs aren't met. You probably did all you could do on your end, he just wasn't the type of person who can adapt well to that situation, neither was I. 1
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) On 3/14/2021 at 5:47 AM, elaine567 said: Where to though? Rentals especially short term ones, do not usually allow pets and she already has somewhere to go in July. [] Month to month rental are very hard to find and they're even harder to find when you have a pet If I wasn't looking for a month to month I'm sure I already would've found something...but it's not just as easy as snapping your fingers Edited March 17, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed commentary on other posters
basil67 Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 8 minutes ago, Dis said: But when it came to discipline, I didn't mind doing that it's just that he didn't listen to me. It's a moot point now, but your ex should not have thought this was a good idea. It's not the place of a partner to discipline someone else's child. I'm not coming down on you, but giving some information to help you process the situation and why your discipline didn't work. DON'T be the disciplinarian. The experts all agree that the stepparent should not act as the chief disciplinarian. Despite what you might think the stepkids need or what your natural style of parenting is, harsh, authoritarian behavior from a stepparent is sure to backfire. "Unfortunately, this sets the stepparent up for having an adversarial relationship with the kids," Korf says. "Until you and the kids are well bonded, they likely won't see you as an authority figure and will resist any disciplining you attempt. This can make life for a stepparent very difficult." Instead, see your role as similar to that of a babysitter, Dr. Papernow suggests. You can remind the kids of the rules and report misbehavior to the biological parent, but not administer the consequences. from https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/how-to-discipline-child-step-parent/ 4
Author Dis Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 Just now, basil67 said: It's a moot point now, but your ex should not have thought this was a good idea. It's not the place of a partner to discipline someone else's child. I'm not coming down on you, but giving some information to help you process the situation and why your discipline didn't work. DON'T be the disciplinarian. The experts all agree that the stepparent should not act as the chief disciplinarian. Despite what you might think the stepkids need or what your natural style of parenting is, harsh, authoritarian behavior from a stepparent is sure to backfire. "Unfortunately, this sets the stepparent up for having an adversarial relationship with the kids," Korf says. "Until you and the kids are well bonded, they likely won't see you as an authority figure and will resist any disciplining you attempt. This can make life for a stepparent very difficult." Instead, see your role as similar to that of a babysitter, Dr. Papernow suggests. You can remind the kids of the rules and report misbehavior to the biological parent, but not administer the consequences. from https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/how-to-discipline-child-step-parent/ I can see some merit to this for sure but honestly, it was bound to fail no matter what we did.... It was a mistake to enter into this and I'm now spending my time reflecting on that and what I could've done to stop myself from moving forward and what I'll do in the future as not to repeat these rash decisions 2
poppyfields Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 2 hours ago, Dis said: I can see some merit to this for sure but honestly, it was bound to fail no matter what we did.... It was a mistake to enter into this and I'm now spending my time reflecting on that and what I could've done to stop myself from moving forward and what I'll do in the future as not to repeat these rash decisions Hey Dis, I think what you posted earlier about societal pressures has a lot of validity. I know for me, once I started not giving a * what "society" thinks, I was much happier, and even now, I am perfectly happy being on my own, and if I never meet my Mr. Right, that's okay! You're an RN, I plan to become a criminal defense attorney which has always been my dream and now I have the resources and opportunity to do so -- the world is our oyster! When we learn to "let go" and give up the search, chances of finding our Mr. Rights increase exponentially! For the right reasons. 1
Author Dis Posted March 17, 2021 Author Posted March 17, 2021 37 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Hey Dis, I think what you posted earlier about societal pressures has a lot of validity. I know for me, once I started not giving a * what "society" thinks, I was much happier, and even now, I am perfectly happy being on my own, and if I never meet my Mr. Right, that's okay! You're an RN, I plan to become a criminal defense attorney which has always been my dream and now I have the resources and opportunity to do so -- the world is our oyster! When we learn to "let go" and give up the search, chances of finding our Mr. Rights increase exponentially! For the right reasons. I think if we don't control the impact of societal pressures, they become our own, of our own making independent of whatever if expected of us. It was that way for me at least. I'm realizing now that when I rushed/forced/tried to will finding the right guy...I actually just hindered the process. It's like the universe knew I didn't have the right reasons in my mind and subsequently hindered my attempts...I did subconsciously did that too though. Like choosing to be with a guy even though I knew he was wrong for me which resulted in yet another breakup and...back to square one I went! Lol I just feel like I've fought this fight for so long now I'm just at a point where I'm surrendering to all this. What we be will be and as long as I'm in my little place in the country, I'll be happy with that. I'll be happy with my career, my little cottage and whatever possibilities I'll have. Feel like I had everything back at my old place. I felt so good there. Just want to get back to the woods so that this time I can really allow myself to feel it, in it's entirety without expecting more Like you said, you're more likely to get what you want when you're happy with what you have 1
poppyfields Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Dis said: Like you said, you're more likely to get what you want when you're happy with what you have Exactly. And also happy within yourself no matter what you have. Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Recommended Posts