Dating a Non-Parent vs a Single Parent

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Weezy, people don't learn by being puppets to what others' advise, we learn by doing ourselves.   

If it's a mistake, then we learn from it, and make better choices next time.

My worry is that @Dis won’t learn. And the more she blames others, whether it be her ex or the kid, the less likely she’ll own her part / mistake. As I’ve said before, people with low self worth (usually from a traumatic / abusive childhood) really struggle to take responsibility for their mistakes because their ego is so fragile. They’ll deflect blame to others to save themselves, and then continue to make the same mistakes over and over. 
 

@Dis what was your mistake? And what steps are you taking to prevent it from happening again? If you say you won’t date a single parent, you’re not acknowledging your actual mistake.

Edited March 14, 2021 by Weezy1973

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If you say you won’t date a single parent, you’re not acknowledging your actual mistake.

This is very true. 

Of course, she has learned that she does not want to date a man with a child/she does not want to be a step parent. But, there are other lessons to be learned here and kindly, that is what we are all trying to help you to understand...

[Dis]

[]

I don't want to make my situation out to be an ugly thing which is what I think some posters are doing

 

My ex and I loved each other with all our hearts and still do. He was the first man to show me what it is to be loved and cared for and respected. I had never been treated well before and now I feel like that's all I'll want. We don't regret our time together and we will miss each other a lot. 

 

But on the other side of the coin, I know I shouldn't have gotten into this and if I had taken more time to assess, I would've know this wasn't right for me. If I had taken off the societal pressure of rushing for marriage and kids, I wouldn't have dug into this. And that's what I see now. I see now that I cannot will my dream future into existence and if I try to do that, I only end up paces and paces behind where I want to be. I had a lot at my old place in the country. I had a beautiful house, my own uninhibited space, and clean, clear energies. I had a lot to look forward to and to be happy about. I'll get back there this summer. I'll get back to a place where I actually acknowledge all I have rather than rushing towards what I don't. 

 

I've said these things in quite a few posts so I'm not sure why posters aren't seeing that I have learned what I needed to 

 

Lay off people. Honestly. Haven't you all made mistakes? I've owned mine for pages and pages. And if I had to go through this to finally develop an attraction to  good men...which I had never had before then so be it. I will walk away from this wishing my ex nothing but the best things and knowing I finally feel differently about so, so many things. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[Dis]

3 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

I met my now exgirlfriend 9 years ago, we have lived together for 6.5 years. The two of us got along wonderfully, rarely was there an argument between us and when there was we always worked things out, and got stronger over time.

Unfortunately her now 17 3/4 year old son developed a bad attitude that got worse and worse over the past few years. Verbally abusing his mother, ignoring her most of the time unless he wanted something from her, doing no chores around the house unless being asked multiple times, doing poorly in school requiring her constant attention and vigiilance to get his assigments done, leaving crap all over the house and breaking walls and doors when he got angry about something. My resentment towards him and her lack of discipline finally exploded q few weeks when he used my tools yet another time and didn't put them back where they belonged, and when I asked him nicely he completely lost it During an exchange of shouting he took a swing at me and cut my lip with his fist. I took a retaliatory swing and connected but it wasn't much of a hit and didn't do any damage.

Mom sided with him, told me I had to find alternate lodging which I did. She was content to keep me out of his way so he could be comfortable and she could parent him without the tension of me being around but I had enough and ended what otherwise was a great relationship.

We were supposed to go skiing the next day.. I was no longer invited but she took her wonderful well behaved son and his friend to the ski resort for the day while I found an apartment and moved out.

When you date a single parent you are getting involved with their baggage and there's a reason there's such a high failure rate of subsequent marriages with previous children.

The kids are always going to be first, way ahead of the new boyfriend or girlfriend and they're never going to see the faults in their own children nor will they parent them or discipline effectively in many cases and the new adult in their lives is going to find themselves in an untenable situation.

Unfortunately for me I wasted the better part of a decade before the dysfunction became so bad I was forced to exit stage right.

That is horrible!!! I'm so sorry!  

 

Stepparents really are caught between a rock and a hard place. We have to take on kids we didn't raise and not only that but kids we would've raised differently had we been the parent. 

 

I agree about the statistics of marriages with kids from a previous relationship. I've done some reading on it and after being a stepparent, I totally see why the odds are stacked against these relationships. We get stuck with someone else's kid, who wasn't raised the way we would've raised him/her, we play second fiddle to that child, we put up with their behaviors and every interference known to man as the result of the child, and for what? To enjoy what little of our partner as we can. 

 

I think it's called, the shyte end of the stick 

 

Wishing you the best and hoping you heal quickly from this (((hugs))) 

[Calmandfocused]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

On behalf of Dis, I'm not seeing where she's "blaming" the child.  She knows it's not his fault he's unruly and undisciplined.

However, being aware of that does not negate the fact he's driving her up the freakin wall, does it?  I don't think so.  And she came here to vent, nothing wrong with that.

Dis, I'm sorry, hang in!  Only a few more months.  

On a lighter note, there are some really good earplugs to block out the noise, I just purchased a set myself from Amazon.

They really help!

 

 

I agree with you Poppy. You’re right. 
 

However what really gets my goat here is that Dis and her stbx turned this little boys life upside down without a shred of thought and consideration for him. The son had no say whatsoever. 
 

Now the same little boy is the target of resentment and there is not a shred of empathy for him that I can see. He is the most affected by all of this. 
 

Dis and her stbx are adults. He is a child. Adults who make poor decisions should own their mistakes and not be directing their ill feelings towards children. 
 

Feel how you feel but own the fact that you caused the position that you’re now in.
 

To parrot something my parents used to say to me; “you’ve got no one to blame but yourself” (and your stbx in this case). 

Feel angry towards yourself and use this anger to make better decisions in the future. 

[Blind-Sided]

On 3/13/2021 at 12:59 AM, Dis said:

I'm still in hell living here because this kid is making my life hell. I'm working 60 hour weeks just to get away from him and when I am here I lock myself in the bedroom because he never stops talking/yelling. The ex doesn't do anything about it. 

I'll come downstairs to ask him to quiet down and he'll just get louder and my ex will say, 'He can talk' I'll say, 'Maybe inside voices then?' And nope, he gets louder on purpose only for my ex not to do a thing. 

I swear to God...I'm ready to camp outside in a cardboard box but I know I'll be out soon so I'll just have to push through this 

Are you living with him still?   If you are... you need to get out.  If nothing else... for your own mental health.  Ask a friend if you can crash at their place for a while, until you find your own place. When you broke up... you should have already had your stuff packed.  

Right now... since you are "The ex"... there is no love lost in hurting your feelings if the kid is being loud.  I'm sure the ex... on some level... really doesn't care, and may be using it to drive you out.  

I'm not trying to be harsh... just saying the truth

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

If you are... you need to get out. 

Where to though? Rentals especially short term ones, do not usually allow pets and she already has somewhere to go in July.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Where to though? Rentals especially short term ones, do not usually allow pets and she already has somewhere to go in July.

Dis is a skilled, professional working person. She's paying half the bills now, she can pay for a place.

I challenge anyone here to find a single thread on LS where a person is supported in remaining in a home after a breakup (as the dumper) where they feel miserable every day and where they are certainly contributing to a toxic environment for a child.   It's pretty out there.

She has said many times that she has zero options (except for the offer of another ex to let her live with him, which is worth some examination on her part under the circumstances - why no friendships?).  Living with this family is 100% for convenience and financial benefit.  No, I do not mean that she is mooching off of the man; she's said that she is staying until she pays some big bills and her dream home is available.  

Aribnb, extended stay, rent a room. That's what accountable adults do when they choose to leave a relationship, especially one where they seem to despise the ex and their child.   Some Airbnb's and short term rental situations will take a cat.  Many Airbnb's (speaking as a person with one for rent) are operating with laxer rules these days due to COVID's impact on the travel industry.  If they won't,  that  guy would probably let the cat stay there until July.  He might be relieved.  

@Dis:  I'm bowing out now;  thread can be seen as a pile-on.  I encourage you to take an honest look at yourself, all the choices you made and continue to make related to this situation, and how what you're primarily seeking in a relationship (flattery and being on a pedestal) might be leading you astray and perhaps even end up destructive to your whole future. You have sacrificed everything, including your ability to make objective decisions, in pursuit of this one thing.    A healthy man in your age range is not going to be looking for a woman who prioritizes that above all else. It's superficial.    Yes, romance and a person's "love language" are very important  but if you're mainly chasing a feeling you'll continue to end up with impaired men and / or manipulative ones.   

Good luck to you.

[Miss Spider]

Maybe she doesn’t have the time or inclination to take all her stuff and move into an Airbnb or a hotel. She’s waiting until she can move back into her cottage in the woods. She can deal with living with her ex and his kid, find it annoying, vent about the situation, and it can still be what she sees as the best decision for her right now. And if he’s okay with it, and she’s okay with it, kids okay with it, that might be the best option right now even if it is a tricky...  I know people think it’s a little messed up how dis sees  the kid but it’s also a little messed up some people think that she deserves that or it’s okay to make the person who dumped you miserable. Only an *** would do that. I don’t think that is what her x is meaning  to do though. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Airbnb, extended stay, rent a room. Some Airbnb's and short term rental situations will take a cat.

Dis, is this^ an option?  It's what I did for two weeks until my new apt was ready.  Weekly rates are reasonable.

You could leave your belongings at your ex's temporarily until you move back into your new place.

Granted, my sitch was different as even though we both apologized, we didn't end it on the best of terms.  I would have lived in a shelter if I had to!  

Such a tough and unusual situation, but hang in.

Maybe the earplugs will help on the days his son is there.  xo

 

Edited March 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Dis, so I'm sitting on my patio reading and posting, and my downstairs neighbors' two young kids have spent the better part of two hours outside on their patio, literally screaming and yelling.  Loud! 

Apparently this is normal.  Playing, kids just being kids.

I'm not really that annoyed, just tuning it out, so I'm wondering if it's the stress of everything happening right now - Covid, the extremely long work shifts (16 hours? That's insane!), your breakup, all of it combined that's causing your annoyance at the kid?  

Anyway, I hope you got a long good nights sleep, and feeling better!! 

Better days ahead!

Edited March 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

Maybe those in days gone by, who advocated children should be seen and not heard, were actually on to something...

[Dis]

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Maybe she doesn’t have the time or inclination to take all her stuff and move into an Airbnb or a hotel. She’s waiting until she can move back into her cottage in the woods. She can deal with living with her ex and his kid, find it annoying, vent about the situation, and it can still be what she sees as the best decision for her right now. And if he’s okay with it, and she’s okay with it, kids okay with it, that might be the best option right now even if it is a tricky...  I know people think it’s a little messed up how dis sees  the kid but it’s also a little messed up some people think that she deserves that or it’s okay to make the person who dumped you miserable. Only an *** would do that. I don’t think that is what her x is meaning  to do though. 

Well that's the thing. My ex and I are very civil and not much has changed with us since the break up in the way we are with each other except that we don't fight at all anymore. 

 

So I don't really see the rush although I'm not looking to stay longer than I need to either. 

 

There are no month to month rentals in my area except those in bad areas and I don't see the sense in going from a home I don't like to another home I don't like. I don't need something perfect at all but I also don't want to be miserable when I move out until I can get back to my old place. 

 

For now I'm paying half the bills, helping out around the apartment and my ex and I are cool with each other. Doesn't seem like a situation I need to rush out of. 

 

And yes the kid is annoying as all hell but so would be moving to a crappy place. I can deal for a little while. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Dis said:

Well that's the thing. My ex and I are very civil and not much has changed with us since the break up in the way we are with each other except that we don't fight at all anymore. 

 

So I don't really see the rush although I'm not looking to stay longer than I need to either. 

 

There are no month to month rentals in my area except those in bad areas and I don't see the sense in going from a home I don't like to another home I don't like. I don't need something perfect at all but I also don't want to be miserable when I move out until I can get back to my old place. 

 

For now I'm paying half the bills, helping out around the apartment and my ex and I are cool with each other. Doesn't seem like a situation I need to rush out of. 

 

And yes the kid is annoying as all hell but so would be moving to a crappy place. I can deal for a little while. 

Yeah not to mention you are helping him with the rent too. If he had a problem with it he’d say so. In the meantime, though there’s a downside,  you are probably making the easiest and most economic choice, esp. since you get along with your ex. And here I think I see people( many of which are parents) who might not like that you broke up with a guy mainly because of his kid and are complaining about still living with him taking it personally  and seeing as it okay to tear into your character., I don’t think you did much wrong here. You’re not wrong for trying to give this relationship a chance. Not every childfree can handle it and it’s something you sometimes have to experience to learn that. 

Edited March 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Weezy1973]

17 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Feel how you feel but own the fact that you caused the position that you’re now in.

Exactly. What it sounds like sometimes in OPs posts is she’s coming off like a victim. Owning the mistake is only the first step. Figuring out why you did it (what internally allowed you to ignore all the flags), is the second step. And then giving yourself a set of “rules” to follow as your dating life begins again to prevent you from making the same mistake again is the third step. 
 

And that process is called growth. I think it’s what we all strive for. OP I made a very similar mistake as you did in this case and it was quite possibly the best learning experience in terms of personal growth I’ve had. It pretty much was a driver for me to strive for a healthy relationship, which I now have with my wife. I’m hoping the same can happen for you!

[Dis]

28 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Exactly. What it sounds like sometimes in OPs posts is she’s coming off like a victim. Owning the mistake is only the first step. Figuring out why you did it (what internally allowed you to ignore all the flags), is the second step. And then giving yourself a set of “rules” to follow as your dating life begins again to prevent you from making the same mistake again is the third step. 
 

And that process is called growth. I think it’s what we all strive for. OP I made a very similar mistake as you did in this case and it was quite possibly the best learning experience in terms of personal growth I’ve had. It pretty much was a driver for me to strive for a healthy relationship, which I now have with my wife. I’m hoping the same can happen for you!

But whyyyyy do you keep saying this weezy?  

 

Please see my above posts in which I've taken full accountability and then some, talked about why I made the decision I did and planned to do x, y and z differently in the future

 

Lol this is crazy You guys are relentless lol

 

I'm chuckling in the break room at this...that's how crazy this is

 

What state do you live in? I shall hire a skywriter and fly all over your state... and acknowledge my mistake via the sky...maybe that will suffice ✈

[Quantum Nomad]

  For me I would not want to date a woman with children still at home,  grown and moved out children are okay, or even older children depending on how behaved they are, but small dependent children are a no go, as the children will always come first(as it should be), and that takes most of the fun out of a relationship as everything always has to be planned, dates will be broken as issues always pop up.  look at how many happily married couples start having problems once kids come along, and that when they are both there kids imagine how it feel to be neglected for some other guys kids. 

[Interstellar]

22 hours ago, Dis said:

 Lay off people. Honestly. Haven't you all made mistakes? I've owned mine for pages and pages. And if I had to go through this to finally develop an attraction to  good men...which I had never had before then so be it. 

it sounds like the oxytocin of love was very high in its early stages which is why you saw things with beautiful rose colored glasses in the beginning.

Love is a drug. Beauty is a drug. 

Edited March 15, 2021 by Interstellar

[Dis]

On 3/14/2021 at 5:03 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Yeah not to mention you are helping him with the rent too. If he had a problem with it he’d say so. In the meantime, though there’s a downside,  you are probably making the easiest and most economic choice, esp. since you get along with your ex. And here I think I see people( many of which are parents) who might not like that you broke up with a guy mainly because of his kid and are complaining about still living with him taking it personally  and seeing as it okay to tear into your character., I don’t think you did much wrong here. You’re not wrong for trying to give this relationship a chance. Not every childfree can handle it and it’s something you sometimes have to experience to learn that. 

I don't think I've done anything inherently wrong either..yes I made a mistake but that's about it. Same with my ex. I wouldn't shame him over this either. But did I commit an irreprensible act? lol no. 

 

I just shouldn't have moved in or continued a relationship with him and if I took more time to access things I would've seen that but I did what a lot of people do, I needed to try. Even back then I remember feeling like I couldn't walk away from him. I couldn't get over him. I had to know I gave it my all before I walked away. I don't regret it either because I after all this, I finally feel like I don't need to rush and that no matter what happens in my future, I'll be okay. 

[]

Edited March 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[Allupinnit]

On 3/13/2021 at 7:51 PM, BaileyB said:

I am for all intent and purpose, a step parent, and I was one of the voices in your other thread who told you not to leap because it is hard. It’s not for everyone. It was precisely because I’ve had this same experience that I advised you not to move into that apartment - I could see that it was never going to work because your expectations were unrealistic, you didn’t have a relationship with the child, and the environment did not support the merging of this blended family. 

As basil says, the child should not be blamed for the failure of the parent. In fact, the child should not be blamed for the decisions made by both adults in this situation. 

I'm a stepparent and told her the same thing, down to the specifics. 

I'd also like to repeat, blended family situations take TIME to gel, sometimes even years.  Patience.  Maturity.  Sacrifice.  It was tough at first but my SD and I have a very special relationship now that I wouldn't trade for a thing.

I can't imagine the thinking that went behind selling your lovely home to move in with a child you barely know, though.  I'm still baffled by that.  

 

[poppyfields]

Hi Dis, I for one don't see you focusing on "the kid," I think you might have earlier but what I see now from your recent posts is your taking full ownership of your actions, and learning therefrom.

Your recent post venting how annoying "the kid" is?  IME, it was just that, a vent to friends on an anonymous advice forum, to which you're entitled imo.  We ALL need to vent from time to time, nothing wrong with that.

Again, it's not like you took your annoyance out on him directly, you came here, what should be a safe place to emote such frustrations.

Goodness, you had just arrived home after a 16-hour shift, you were exhausted!  Your frustration was understandable, doesn't mean you were (or are) "blaming" him.  

Keep looking forward Dis - cozy cottage in the woods, getting back to YOU and a sense of peace... 

Only, a few more months.  

 

 

Edited March 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[FMW]

On 3/12/2021 at 11:59 PM, Dis said:

I'm still in hell living here because this kid is making my life hell.

I think that's a comment that struck a chord with a lot of the posters.  

I don't have children, I don't have siblings.  Children have always seemed a little alien to me, even when I was one.  So I get that it might be really unpleasant and crazy making to be in the situation you are in.  

But saying the kid is making your life hell, while choosing to stay in the situation, doesn't come off as taking responsibility for where your choices put you.  

I get that you took a chance and learned the hard way, many of us do that.  I get that you are limited where you can go because of your cat.  And I really do feel bad for you to be in a situation that makes you so unhappy.

But that comment - however true - is jarring.  You're unfortunately in an unhappy position, temporarily, of your own making.  By saying he is making your life hell it does sound like you are placing the blame on him instead of accepting that it comes down to your choices.  Yes, you've acknowledged that you made a mistake, but continuing to focus on the son diminishes that acknowledgment.    

I certainly don't want to beat up on you, we all do things that don't turn out the way we had hoped or planned.  But it's not helpful to continue laying blame on the boy.    

[poppyfields]

Very fair points FMW. 

However, being exhausted and her annoyance at the entire situation, perhaps it was simply poor choice of phrasing?  

Giving benefit of doubt, my thinking is she meant "my life is hell living here right now, it's my choice to stay, but nevertheless it's still hell."

 

 

Edited March 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

I can't speak for any other poster but, for me, the issue of not taking responsibility is that Dis seems to believe that her "fault" lies in wanting to give things a chance and having hope. This is a very simplistic view that lacks insight.  It doesn't seem that she has done any real introspection into what led her to make the decisions that pretty much everyone knew would be doomed based on her previous threads.  It's the uncomfortable and hard work of self-analysis that leads to growth.

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

It's the uncomfortable and hard work of self-analysis that leads to growth.

Boy do I ever agree with that!    And my sense from reading Dis' posts, the latter ones, suggest she's doing just that.

The post in question, venting about the kid, how he's making her life a living hell, knowing Dis, it came from a place of frustration, not how she truly feels, it was an extremely poor choice of words imo.

Lord knows, I've said plenty while angry and frustrated -- at the person, at myself, to others.  Things I didn't mean or would have said differently had I taken a moment to think things through and center myself.   Lesson learned.  When angry or frustrated, take time to breathe!  Center yourself.

To me, that was Dis' mistake, to make a post venting her frustrations about the boy after just coming off a 16-hour shift, which I am sure she regrets saying.

Dis is not a mean or vicious person, she has a kind heart! 

Again, just my take.

 

Edited March 15, 2021 by poppyfields