Author Dis Posted March 13, 2021 Author Posted March 13, 2021 On 3/6/2021 at 6:38 AM, Blind-Sided said: You are right. Not everyone likes everyone else. Including kids. The point of the kid turning into a brat... well... that's just poor upbringing. My kids respect anyone who is older than them... and if I hear otherwise... there is consequences. But with that said... both my girls know I love them very much, and do a lot for them, and they know punishments are real. (I'm not a dad who just threatens a punishment) I'm still in hell living here because this kid is making my life hell. I'm working 60 hour weeks just to get away from him and when I am here I lock myself in the bedroom because he never stops talking/yelling. The ex doesn't do anything about it. I'll come downstairs to ask him to quiet down and he'll just get louder and my ex will say, 'He can talk' I'll say, 'Maybe inside voices then?' And nope, he gets louder on purpose only for my ex not to do a thing. I swear to God...I'm ready to camp outside in a cardboard box but I know I'll be out soon so I'll just have to push through this 1
QuietRiot Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 5 hours ago, Dis said: Loved this. Thank you! I grew up in a strict household too. I went through hell as a kid so it was frustrating for me to see a kid literally get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. My ex did, like you incorporate some of the rules I came up with and they were productive, appropriate rules. Don't know if they will stick after I leave but I guess that's not my issue. I think us single kid free people feel like we go straight from a few months of dating to old married life with kids...there is no fun, flirty period when you date someone with a kid. Also not a lot of time together to enjoy being that 'married couple'. Sounds like your ex just wanted you, not your child. He didn't want the family life. I didn't either. It's a huge sacrifice to make and if a person isn't 100% committed to the parent AND the kid, it won't work. There's no just having the parent without the kid. I think that's the mistake single people make when they date someone with a kid. They think well, I'm not dating the kid so this should be fine. But it doesn't work that way. Just like there is no taking a rabbit without it's ears, there is no dating a parent without taking on their child. I knew of a woman that was a single mom that had what she called a "man friend", whom was also a single parent. They never considered themselves in a "relationship" because...the kids on BOTH sides took up a lot of their time...but when they did have that small period of time where they could get together, it was inferred it was kind of a booty call if anything. But, she kept it monogamous. (Probably for health reasons). I asked her if she'd ever consider seeing other men, and she said she's comfortable in the situation she is with this current guy. I have a woman friend that has 2 kids, that will only date a man that has NO kids, which is kind of a shocker, then when she explained, it made sense. She said she has her kids to contend with and she doesn't want to have to pile on the stress of someone ELSE'S kids on top of that.
Calmandfocused Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 8 hours ago, Dis said: I'm still in hell living here because this kid is making my life hell. I'm working 60 hour weeks just to get away from him and when I am here I lock myself in the bedroom because he never stops talking/yelling. The ex doesn't do anything about it. I'll come downstairs to ask him to quiet down and he'll just get louder and my ex will say, 'He can talk' I'll say, 'Maybe inside voices then?' And nope, he gets louder on purpose only for my ex not to do a thing. I swear to God...I'm ready to camp outside in a cardboard box but I know I'll be out soon so I'll just have to push through this Your resentment is misplaced Dis. If you want to dislike someone, dislike your (stbx) partner. He is not parenting his child properly. Please stop attributing fault to the boy. It isn’t his fault, it’s his dad’s. Your stbx is not doing a good job of raising his son. At all. IMO dad should be realising that he’s not coping and assign more custody over to his mother. I’ll repeat again that the child is talking and yelling non stop because he’s not getting appropriate attention or appropriate stimulation. 6
NuevoYorko Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Your resentment is misplaced Dis. If you want to dislike someone, dislike your (stbx) partner. He is not parenting his child properly. Please stop attributing fault to the boy. It isn’t his fault, it’s his dad’s. Your stbx is not doing a good job of raising his son. At all. It's difficult for me to read the resentful comments against the child. Venting is reasonable but talking about a child like this is beyond the pale, even if the kid appears to need an exorcism. @Dis- perhaps you were not expected to "adore" the child, but rather to be accountable for your own decision to merge households with a single parent, especially after meeting the kid only one or two times. You chose not to get to know the kid and observe how his father interacted with him before making the move. No 5 - 7 year old is responsible for the feelings of any adult, especially not a transient figure in their life. He is not "being an a****le," he is acting out like kids of that age will tend to do. Even a well adjusted child might behave in similar ways under these circumstances. The clincher is that you continue to live there for your own convenience, while continuing to hate on the kid. Please don't say that you have no choice. EVERYONE has a choice, even women in extreme poverty who are in abusive relationships can get out. You're a skilled nurse working 60 hours a week. You have a reasonable income. At the very least, why not leave your belongings and your cat where they are for the interim and go to an Airbnb or "extended stay" type of enterprise. Leave this family to get their lives back to normal, and go recover your own equilibrium. 7 4
BaileyB Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 12 hours ago, Dis said: I'm working 60 hour weeks just to get away from him and when I am here I lock myself in the bedroom because he never stops talking/yelling. I think what you have forgotten is that this is the child’s home, not yours. And children, especially boys of this age, tend to be loud, and active, especially when living in a small apartment. I agree with what has been said above. It’s time for you to more actively start looking for another place to live. Is it going to be ideal for you, no. But, it is unfortunately the consequence of making an impulsive decision to move in with the man. 6 1
Miss Spider Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 12 hours ago, Dis said: I'm still in hell living here because this kid is making my life hell. I'm working 60 hour weeks just to get away from him and when I am here I lock myself in the bedroom because he never stops talking/yelling. The ex doesn't do anything about it. I'll come downstairs to ask him to quiet down and he'll just get louder and my ex will say, 'He can talk' I'll say, 'Maybe inside voices then?' And nope, he gets louder on purpose only for my ex not to do a thing. I swear to God...I'm ready to camp outside in a cardboard box but I know I'll be out soon so I'll just have to push through this I felt that. Sorry you’re in this situation.
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 9 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Your resentment is misplaced Dis. If you want to dislike someone, dislike your (stbx) partner. He is not parenting his child properly. Please stop attributing fault to the boy. It isn’t his fault, it’s his dad’s. Your stbx is not doing a good job of raising his son. At all. IMO dad should be realising that he’s not coping and assign more custody over to his mother. I’ll repeat again that the child is talking and yelling non stop because he’s not getting appropriate attention or appropriate stimulation. And I'll repeat this again, I'm aware my bf isn't giving him enough stimulation BUT there's nothing I can do about that
basil67 Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 Call me 'passive aggressive", but if someone had broken up with me because of my child, but hadn't yet moved out....I wouldn't take steps to keep my child quiet in order to make the ex happy either. 6 1
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 My feelings are what they are and at the end of the day, I don't feel guilty for having them nor should I. I'm human and tolerated a lot of things that were unpleasant to me since I moved in. And to the person who said leave your cat behind for awhile...you must be one of those people who devalues the commitment and love of a pet owner for their animal while idealizing children. There is NO way I'm leaving my baby behind. 1
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) Also want to note, there is a steparenting forum out there with posters who echo the same sentiments as my posts. For those of you who haven't tried steparenting AND didn't like it, try stepping into our shoes before you judge. You won't romanticize kids and throw stones after that. I for one had no idea kids could be so manipulative and dictating before I moved and and honestly back before I moved in, if I had heard someone say the same things I'm saying I might judge too. But now? After experiencing all this? I won't cast a single stone at a stepparent ever again. It's hell for a lot of people. Never understood why some of them stay. Edited March 14, 2021 by Dis 1
basil67 Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) If you recall your thread where you were planning to move in, everybody said it would be difficult and they cautioned you away from moving in so quickly. So, I would say that most are in complete agreement as to how difficult it can be to live with someone else's child. However, that does not mean it's OK to blame the child for what is a parenting failure. Yes, as a human, you do have your own feelings on this. But as a human, you have the ability to examine your feelings and contemplate whether or not they are misplaced. Edited March 14, 2021 by basil67 5 1
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Dis said: For those of you who haven't tried steparenting AND didn't like it, try stepping into our shoes before you judge. You won't romanticize kids and throw stones after that. I am for all intent and purpose, a step parent, and I was one of the voices in your other thread who told you not to leap because it is hard. It’s not for everyone. It was precisely because I’ve had this same experience that I advised you not to move into that apartment - I could see that it was never going to work because your expectations were unrealistic, you didn’t have a relationship with the child, and the environment did not support the merging of this blended family. As basil says, the child should not be blamed for the failure of the parent. In fact, the child should not be blamed for the decisions made by both adults in this situation. Edited March 14, 2021 by BaileyB 7
poppyfields Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) On behalf of Dis, I'm not seeing where she's "blaming" the child. She knows it's not his fault he's unruly and undisciplined. However, being aware of that does not negate the fact he's driving her up the freakin wall, does it? I don't think so. And she came here to vent, nothing wrong with that. Dis, I'm sorry, hang in! Only a few more months. On a lighter note, there are some really good earplugs to block out the noise, I just purchased a set myself from Amazon. They really help! Edited March 14, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 50 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I am for all intent and purpose, a step parent, and I was one of the voices in your other thread who told you not to leap because it is hard. It’s not for everyone. It was precisely because I’ve had this same experience that I advised you not to move into that apartment - I could see that it was never going to work because your expectations were unrealistic, you didn’t have a relationship with the child, and the environment did not support the merging of this blended family. As basil says, the child should not be blamed for the failure of the parent. In fact, the child should not be blamed for the decisions made by both adults in this situation. I knew you would say that and that's why I specified "to those who have stepparented AND you didn't like it" because obviously you don't mind steparenting. Some people do. Just because you stepparent your SO's kids and find tolerable doesn't give you a right to judge steparents who don't feel the same way Not everyone has the same experiences as everyone else.
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) 37 minutes ago, poppyfields said: On behalf of Dis, I'm not seeing where she's "blaming" the child. She knows it's not his fault he's unruly and undisciplined. However, being aware of that does not negate the fact he's driving her up the freakin wall, does it? I don't think so. And she came here to vent, nothing wrong with that. Dis, I'm sorry, hang in! Only a few more months. On a lighter note, there are some really good earplugs to block out the noise, I just purchased a set myself from Amazon. They really help! Right?! A voice of reason! Yeah! Where was I at any point blaming the kid? Lol Yes he's my ex could do better and I've agreed with that countless times so as a result the kid acts up but that fact doesn't make him any less unbearable than he is I also don't feel badly about being honest about how I feel. The kid not a saint, neither am I, my ex or these posters who claim to be in regards to their views on kids. Sorry, not sorry for how I feel girl! I ordered a sound machine off Amazon...gotta love Amazon Edited March 14, 2021 by Dis
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Call me 'passive aggressive", but if someone had broken up with me because of my child, but hadn't yet moved out....I wouldn't take steps to keep my child quiet in order to make the ex happy either. Good parents parent their child in a way that makes their home comfortable for everyone and considering I pay half the bills, I'm entitled to be comfortable
basil67 Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, Dis said: Good parents parent their child in a way that makes their home comfortable for everyone and considering I pay half the bills, I'm entitled to be comfortable And exes generally do not consider the needs of the person who just dumped them. 3
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 I also don't know why posters keep preservating on how I shouldn't have moved in As if I can turn back time and not move in We all make mistakes so get off your high horses and admit you've made your own. And if you ever post about it, I won't be THAT poster who beats you over the head about it. Because I'm nice like that 1
Author Dis Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 1 minute ago, basil67 said: And exes generally do not consider the needs of the person who just dumped them. Doesn't change the fact I pay half the bills does it?
trident_2020 Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) I met my now exgirlfriend 9 years ago, we have lived together for 6.5 years. The two of us got along wonderfully, rarely was there an argument between us and when there was we always worked things out, and got stronger over time. Unfortunately her now 17 3/4 year old son developed a bad attitude that got worse and worse over the past few years. Verbally abusing his mother, ignoring her most of the time unless he wanted something from her, doing no chores around the house unless being asked multiple times, doing poorly in school requiring her constant attention and vigiilance to get his assigments done, leaving crap all over the house and breaking walls and doors when he got angry about something. My resentment towards him and her lack of discipline finally exploded q few weeks when he used my tools yet another time and didn't put them back where they belonged, and when I asked him nicely he completely lost it During an exchange of shouting he took a swing at me and cut my lip with his fist. I took a retaliatory swing and connected but it wasn't much of a hit and didn't do any damage. Mom sided with him, told me I had to find alternate lodging which I did. She was content to keep me out of his way so he could be comfortable and she could parent him without the tension of me being around but I had enough and ended what otherwise was a great relationship. We were supposed to go skiing the next day.. I was no longer invited but she took her wonderful well behaved son and his friend to the ski resort for the day while I found an apartment and moved out. When you date a single parent you are getting involved with their baggage and there's a reason there's such a high failure rate of subsequent marriages with previous children. The kids are always going to be first, way ahead of the new boyfriend or girlfriend and they're never going to see the faults in their own children nor will they parent them or discipline effectively in many cases and the new adult in their lives is going to find themselves in an untenable situation. Unfortunately for me I wasted the better part of a decade before the dysfunction became so bad I was forced to exit stage right. Edited March 14, 2021 by trident_2020 2
Weezy1973 Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 38 minutes ago, Dis said: We all make mistakes so get off your high horses and admit you've made your own. And if you ever post about it, I won't be THAT poster who beats you over the head about it. Because I'm nice like that Yes we’ve all made mistakes. But for me at least, not after asking people with more experience for advice and then going counter to their knowledge. And regardless, this was an impulsive choice on your part (can’t deny that can you?) and it turned out the way practically everybody said it would. So the big mistake was not listening. And it seems that you want to continue down that path... 5 2
basil67 Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 37 minutes ago, Dis said: Doesn't change the fact I pay half the bills does it? It's his house, his son and he's not holding you there under duress. And while a quiet house is a courtesy, it's not a right. 4 1
poppyfields Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: So the big mistake was not listening. And it seems that you want to continue down that path... Weezy, people don't learn by being puppets to what others' advise, we learn by doing ourselves. If it's a mistake, then we learn from it, and make better choices next time. Unfortunately this turned out to be a mistake, but if Dis had not taken the risk, and experienced it herself, she would not have learned that she's not cut out to be a step parent, and may have found herself in the same situation again. There is nothing bad or wrong for feeling irritated and annoyed, it's not like she's abusing him or being mean, she doing the best she can under the circumstances. Jmo.
jspice Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: On behalf of Dis, I'm not seeing where she's "blaming" the child. She knows it's not his fault he's unruly and undisciplined. However, being aware of that does not negate the fact he's driving her up the freakin wall, does it? I don't think so. And she came here to vent, nothing wrong with that. Dis, I'm sorry, hang in! Only a few more months. On a lighter note, there are some really good earplugs to block out the noise, I just purchased a set myself from Amazon. They really help! No she just called the child “manipulative”.
Miss Spider Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) It’s just another reminder you made the best decision by dumping them. As if you needed one. And wow at the people taking personally the fact that this child is driving Dis crazy.... How long do you have to be there ? Can you roomie with a friend? Edited March 14, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
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