elaine567 Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 5 minutes ago, Saorla said: The bolded sentences are true in theory, but it´s such a toxic way of going about life, especially for a woman in her 30s. Time waits for none of us, sure, but it is also too short to stress about things you can´t really hasten, unless you´re making impulsive and rather desperate decisions. I am a 31 year old woman myself and I have taken a lot of pressure off myself by deciding, that it doesn´t really matter if I ever get married and have children - I´m fine either way. I am open for possibilities and I go on dates when I´m really interested in someone and there´s nothing more I can do, really. I briefly dated a guy, willing to rush into things with me and if I had that "time is ticking" mindset, I would probably end up in another failed relationship with someone, who didn´t think things through either. Instead, I am still single, but happy and content. I think it is quite easy to "free wheel" through one's twenties and early thirties. especially when it is relatively easy to find dates and keep finding new dates/flings/relationships. But there comes a time when the music stops and finding a suitable man gets harder and harder, as the tick boxes understandably increase and the supply of "good men" reduces. It is then often a highly pressurised scramble to try to beat the ticking clock... Best to try to foresee the future and choose wisely in a time of surplus, than be left trying to fit "unsuitable" men into the Daddy/husband role at the last minute... 1
Saorla Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: I think it is quite easy to "free wheel" through one's twenties and early thirties. especially when it is relatively easy to find dates and keep finding new dates/flings/relationships. But there comes a time when the music stops and finding a suitable man gets harder and harder, as the tick boxes understandably increase and the supply of "good men" reduces. It is then often a highly pressurised scramble to try to beat the ticking clock...Best to try to foresee the future and choose wisely in a time of surplus, than be left trying to fit "unsuitable" men into the Daddy/husband role at the last minute... Can´t see how this is a good advice for someone who has already not foreseen the future and invested her 20s into relationships that failed. Here in my country people say "If I knew where I fell, I would have laid a pillow for a softer landing". Also, what a dated way to look at a woman´s youth, as if not procreating is somehow a waste of it. 1 1
Blind-Sided Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 It all depends. As you know, my GF doesn't have kids... doesn't want kids... and doesn't want to be the "Step Mom" to my kids. BUT... she does like them, and interreacts with them. She likes when they aren't here, because we can have more time to do what we want... like watch shows that aren't kid appropriate. (American Horror Stories) The only thing that I can see is... when someone is VERY opposed to dating someone with kids (I know you gave it a shot recently) is a person who really isn't ready to grow-up. What I mean is... even if I didn't have kids... it's not like I could just take off, and go on a trip. I have bills and a job to deal with. AND... maybe I just don't want to take off, and be spontaneous all the time. So... some of the things that are being talked about, really have nothing to do with kids. Sure... you can do what you want when you aren't tied down... but it get's expensive going out all the time, or traveling on a whim. On a personal note.. my GF wants to plan a vacation for when COVID starts to drop... but since I haven't really worked in the last year... and I had ZERO bonus money... my focus is on making some money, and getting my house paid off!!! I came to the realization that if I didn't have a house payment... I could dang near retire. (just do a "Side gig" type job for money) So for me... kids or not... I'm not going to drop $3k to travel at the moment. FYI... same thing can be said with someone with dogs or other animals. Sure... you can watch a dirty movie... but you can't just put your dogs in a kennel on a moment's notice all the time either. 2
FMW Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 @Dis I think what comes off as mean to you are posts that probably result from frustration that it's not clear you're seeing the full picture of what happened with your relationship. Of course you shouldn't be beaten up or raked across the coals, but I think most posters want to see that lessons were learned so as to make it less likely for the same issue to happen in your next relationship. The frustration for some is greatly increased because this involved a child, who no matter how badly behaved he might be, is still an impressionable child soaking up everything in his environment. So it wasn't just you and his father that were hurt. My take on the situation is that you went with your heart even though you had a lot of doubts about it from the very beginning that turned out to be right on point. Those doubts weren't nebulous and fleeting, they were concrete. It's not clear to me that you see that you made any errors in judgment by choosing to put those doubts aside and proceed. I've done the same thing, I get it. Falling in love and all the wonderful feelings that come with it are addictive and you don't want to give them up. But when my situation predictably didn't turn out as hoped, I recognized that pushing through the doubts and following my heart in the name of love was indeed a mistake. Acknowledging that I put myself in an unhappy situation (that was clearly foreseeable) before means I'm very careful not to do it again. I don't beat myself up about it, but I don't let myself off the hook for it either. It has a part in how I handle the relationship I'm in now. Unfortunately I probably pay attention to every little thing a little too much now, but for both my sake and the guy that I'm with I don't want to blow through any warning signs. I hope that not only have you figured out that you probably shouldn't date guys with kids in the future, but also that if you have any doubts about compatibility in any area, don't just push them aside because you love each other. As you've learned, love isn't always enough. I wish you the best of luck with dating and I hope the time between now and when you move back into the place you love goes by peacefully. 6
SumGuy Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 On 2/28/2021 at 7:07 AM, Calmandfocused said: Admittedly this thread is depressing me. It seems the general consensus here is that people with children are “lower quality” dating prospects than people without children which makes me very sad. As a single mum of 2 Ive never had a problem finding dates/ partners. Even though I’m fully financially sufficient, and always make time for my partner, it looks like no one is actually going to take me seriously long term . Bugger! Not true, you are just seeing people without kids not down with the lifestyle that kids entail if you don't want to neglect them, a lifestyle hopefully their own parent(s) lived. Kids are akin to having other responsibilities you can't ignore, it could be a job (well you could ignore it and get fired) or pets (you could ignore them and they get nuts or even die) or parents that need help...the list goes on. For me, having 3 kids myself, a woman having kids (of any age) was a plus. She gets it and there is no better window into a person's ability to bear responsibility. So I'm the opposite, women without kids are "lower quality." I need someone who understands what it means to live a life that is not all about themselves, one with responsibility even when you just wish you didn't have it, having a "job" where you never get to call in sick, etc. I have found it perfectly doable to date with kids (on both sides) and work around schedules...heck most people without kids don't want to get too serious anyways, so it's not like they even want to see you 7 days, 6 days or even 4 days a week...they just want to see you when they want to. Now when you both have kids, making that time means something, no dithering, no half baked this or that...:) or so is my experience. Long term is certainly doable with kids, it is more how serious, how fast do you want to get? Do you want to get move-in serious before the kids move out? That is a different question. 1 1
Author Dis Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 8 hours ago, FMW said: @Dis I think what comes off as mean to you are posts that probably result from frustration that it's not clear you're seeing the full picture of what happened with your relationship. Of course you shouldn't be beaten up or raked across the coals, but I think most posters want to see that lessons were learned so as to make it less likely for the same issue to happen in your next relationship. The frustration for some is greatly increased because this involved a child, who no matter how badly behaved he might be, is still an impressionable child soaking up everything in his environment. So it wasn't just you and his father that were hurt. My take on the situation is that you went with your heart even though you had a lot of doubts about it from the very beginning that turned out to be right on point. Those doubts weren't nebulous and fleeting, they were concrete. It's not clear to me that you see that you made any errors in judgment by choosing to put those doubts aside and proceed. I've done the same thing, I get it. Falling in love and all the wonderful feelings that come with it are addictive and you don't want to give them up. But when my situation predictably didn't turn out as hoped, I recognized that pushing through the doubts and following my heart in the name of love was indeed a mistake. Acknowledging that I put myself in an unhappy situation (that was clearly foreseeable) before means I'm very careful not to do it again. I don't beat myself up about it, but I don't let myself off the hook for it either. It has a part in how I handle the relationship I'm in now. Unfortunately I probably pay attention to every little thing a little too much now, but for both my sake and the guy that I'm with I don't want to blow through any warning signs. I hope that not only have you figured out that you probably shouldn't date guys with kids in the future, but also that if you have any doubts about compatibility in any area, don't just push them aside because you love each other. As you've learned, love isn't always enough. I wish you the best of luck with dating and I hope the time between now and when you move back into the place you love goes by peacefully. Thanks for the wise words and also the kindness behind them I agree with everything you've said except one main point which I'll start off with I know I made a big mistake. I know that to the point where I've spent the past 4 weeks berating myself over it. I know it to the point where I'm having trouble concentrating on other things because I can't stop thinking about what a huge mistake I made. And I think this is evidenced in my many posts on both my threads where I voice my thoughts behind what I could have done differently and why I shouldn't have entered into this... so I'm not quite sure why people are frustrated when I've voiced many times over that I made a big mistake. I feel with these forums the posters who have made poor decisions (like everyone else) are nailed to the cross and are expected to publicly admonish themselves in order for replying posters to feel they've 'learned their lesson' For my mental health, I need to forgive myself. I need to instead of hurting myself over this, to acknowledge the lesson I have learned (not to rush into things and go into relationships with a more level, realistic, slow paced mind state) and apply it in the future. But there are also good things that came from this. I learned the lesson stated above in a way that sticks with me. In a way that makes me want to do things differently and in a way I'm not accustomed to. So if I needed to go through this, to learn that, then I'm grateful for it 2
Author Dis Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: when someone is VERY opposed to dating someone with kids (I know you gave it a shot recently) is a person who really isn't ready to grow-up. So adults who want to take occasional trips and nights out aren't grown up? Edited March 4, 2021 by Dis 1
Author Dis Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 21 hours ago, Saorla said: The bolded sentences are true in theory, but it´s such a toxic way of going about life, especially for a woman in her 30s. Time waits for none of us, sure, but it is also too short to stress about things you can´t really hasten, unless you´re making impulsive and rather desperate decisions. I am a 31 year old woman myself and I have taken a lot of pressure off myself by deciding, that it doesn´t really matter if I ever get married and have children - I´m fine either way. I am open for possibilities and I go on dates when I´m really interested in someone and there´s nothing more I can do, really. I briefly dated a guy, willing to rush into things with me and if I had that "time is ticking" mindset, I would probably end up in another failed relationship with someone, who didn´t think things through either. Instead, I am still single, but happy and content. This ^^^ I think us women in our 30's are well aware of our time constraints but we also can't will marriage and kids into existence and I know for me, when I tried to do just that, it only lead me further away from that goal I'm at where you're at Saorla, what will be will be...but more importantly, let's be happy with whatever we do have right now 2
hajk Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Dis said: I think us women in our 30's are well aware of our time constraints but we also can't will marriage and kids into existence and I know for me, when I tried to do just that, it only lead me further away from that goal I'm at where you're at Saorla, what will be will be...but more importantly, let's be happy with whatever we do have right now @Dis This is great attitude! Best of luck moving forward. 1
Blind-Sided Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Dis said: So adults who want to take occasional trips and nights out aren't grown up? No... you took that one line out of context. Heck... the occasional trip is a good thing, and is needed. (everyone needs some down time) OK... I know a couple people who I graduated college with, who have this issue. So they are close to the same age as me. (mid to late 40's) But the one girl is now divorced because her mindset never left college. (she was a partier) She wanted to go on trips, and she wanted to go to the clubs, and she wanted to go out to whatever the "Trendy" event was locally. AND... she wanted to post pictures on facebook of her having a good time. (All the time) She has 3 kids... and she still wanted to go out all the time, and spend money, or be away from home and her responsibilities. I don't have all the details, (Strange, since she lives literally 4 houses away, and we have backyards that connect) but the divorce came because her husband was a more serious guy, and was worried about his career. The way I see it is... the divorce happened because she still thinks she is 20, and free. Basically... with or without kids... there are some people who use "I can't date a man/woman with kids" as an excuse for their own issues. I'm not saying you have that issue... I know you gave your last guy a good chance... but some of the people responding to this thread are that way. With all that said... if you are wealthy, and can afford all the trips, and can pay for a live-in nanny... then I guess it doesn't matter. BUT... it's still not good for the kids. Edited March 4, 2021 by Blind-Sided 1
Author Dis Posted March 5, 2021 Author Posted March 5, 2021 18 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: No... you took that one line out of context. Heck... the occasional trip is a good thing, and is needed. (everyone needs some down time) OK... I know a couple people who I graduated college with, who have this issue. So they are close to the same age as me. (mid to late 40's) But the one girl is now divorced because her mindset never left college. (she was a partier) She wanted to go on trips, and she wanted to go to the clubs, and she wanted to go out to whatever the "Trendy" event was locally. AND... she wanted to post pictures on facebook of her having a good time. (All the time) She has 3 kids... and she still wanted to go out all the time, and spend money, or be away from home and her responsibilities. I don't have all the details, (Strange, since she lives literally 4 houses away, and we have backyards that connect) but the divorce came because her husband was a more serious guy, and was worried about his career. The way I see it is... the divorce happened because she still thinks she is 20, and free. Basically... with or without kids... there are some people who use "I can't date a man/woman with kids" as an excuse for their own issues. I'm not saying you have that issue... I know you gave your last guy a good chance... but some of the people responding to this thread are that way. With all that said... if you are wealthy, and can afford all the trips, and can pay for a live-in nanny... then I guess it doesn't matter. BUT... it's still not good for the kids. Ahhh, I gotcha now Yeah I do get the sense that some people never settled down even post kids and it is sad for the kids It's a big commitment to make those sacrifices but I feel like it's much easier when you're doing so for your own kids. I just wasn't willing to give up my freedoms for a child who wasn't mine. The rewards of step parenting didn't out weigh the cons for me. But I did try. 1
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 1 hour ago, Dis said: It's a big commitment to make those sacrifices but I feel like it's much easier when you're doing so for your own kids And that is the nub of the matter. Even in 2021, women are supposed to be very involved and hands on in kid's lives, even kids who are not their own. The assumption often is that "women" are naturally loving and caring, and so will be happy to immerse themselves in step family life. Her maternal instinct will kick in and all will be hunky dory. BUT whilst some women can embrace the step mom role and even thrive in it, others are never really comfortable with it. Some women fall in love with a man, but his kids not so much, and whilst she may feel she is somewhat obligated to take on his kids, her heart may never be in it. I also think women tend to be quite territorial and whilst some may accept the ex's input into the new step family, others will grow to resent it. Not easy to love a kid who is the spitting image of his/her mother or who has inherited the mother's personality traits... Many women also like to be seen as #1 in a relationship, so being #2, #3, #4... after the ex and the kids, does not usually sit well... I am not surprised "the evil stepmother" is a thing in folk lore, as women and kids are catapulted into close relationships with each other that neither would really want to be in, in an ideal world. At least DIs is being honest here and true to herself. Some women will stay in such circumstances despite hating just about every minute of it and wishing they were somewhere else... 2
QuietRiot Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) On 2/26/2021 at 1:53 AM, Dis said: Hey guys! I'm curious about everyone's experiences with dating single parents. Do any of you enjoy it? Or would you prefer to date a non-parent? From what I've heard, dating a single parent can be rewarding, stepping into the stepparent role. I've heard some say they really bonded with their stepkid and the child actually became a bonus to their relationship. On the other hand I know many people (including myself) prefer not to date people with kids because of the complications that come along with adding someone else's kid to the mix. Fewer outings together as a couple, less alone time with your partner, behavioral issues with the child, not to mention the ex. Where do you guys stand? It's kind of a mix bag for me when it comes to this, esp. since I don't have kids. I tend to have an aversion to single moms with rather young children, but would be okay with dating single moms with Jr. High/ High school aged kids, as they are a bit more independent and mom can kind of get some alone time with the new boyfriend. Unless, of course, they are a helicopter mom throughout their entire lives, so she may never have time for you. If they are the kind of mom that's heavily involved with their kid's activities like Boy Scouts, Soccer, Ballet, etc. You'll have to be competing with those. Interestingly enough, as a single man in my 40s it would be ideal for me to date a woman equally child-free, I'm coming across these women that WANT kids, if they never had them....and my cut off for having kids was 40. It's almost as if I'm better off dating single mothers with 2 kids as they typically no longer open to having more. So...yeah. Also, if I do date a single mother, I'd be less likely to marry them. Date them, but not marry them. Edited March 5, 2021 by QuietRiot
Weezy1973 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: The assumption often is that "women" are naturally loving and caring, and so will be happy to immerse themselves in step family life. Her maternal instinct will kick in and all will be hunky dory. BUT whilst some women can embrace the step mom role and even thrive in it, others are never really comfortable with it. I’d also warn that sometimes that maternal instinct doesn’t even kick in for their own kids. Like I said previously there are groups of people, and women specifically, upon reflection regret having their kids. It is a massive lifestyle change, and I’m not sure everybody realizes it. Or many might think they can still balance all the things they do pre-kids. Having children is not something anybody should take lightly. And there’s no guarantee that once you have them, suddenly you’ll embrace sacrificing your pre-kids freedoms. It could happen, but it might not. 4
hajk Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: I’d also warn that sometimes that maternal instinct doesn’t even kick in for their own kids. Like I said previously there are groups of people, and women specifically, upon reflection regret having their kids. It is a massive lifestyle change, and I’m not sure everybody realizes it. Or many might think they can still balance all the things they do pre-kids. Having children is not something anybody should take lightly. And there’s no guarantee that once you have them, suddenly you’ll embrace sacrificing your pre-kids freedoms. It could happen, but it might not. @Weezy1973 Well said! Edited March 5, 2021 by hajk
Author Dis Posted March 5, 2021 Author Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, elaine567 said: And that is the nub of the matter. Even in 2021, women are supposed to be very involved and hands on in kid's lives, even kids who are not their own. The assumption often is that "women" are naturally loving and caring, and so will be happy to immerse themselves in step family life. Her maternal instinct will kick in and all will be hunky dory. BUT whilst some women can embrace the step mom role and even thrive in it, others are never really comfortable with it. Some women fall in love with a man, but his kids not so much, and whilst she may feel she is somewhat obligated to take on his kids, her heart may never be in it. I also think women tend to be quite territorial and whilst some may accept the ex's input into the new step family, others will grow to resent it. Not easy to love a kid who is the spitting image of his/her mother or who has inherited the mother's personality traits... Many women also like to be seen as #1 in a relationship, so being #2, #3, #4... after the ex and the kids, does not usually sit well... I am not surprised "the evil stepmother" is a thing in folk lore, as women and kids are catapulted into close relationships with each other that neither would really want to be in, in an ideal world. At least DIs is being honest here and true to herself. Some women will stay in such circumstances despite hating just about every minute of it and wishing they were somewhere else... So many good points here...don't know where to start There's this assumption that just because you're a woman you'll automatically adore your partner's kid. That because you love your partner, that love will transfer over to his child. And sadly, that is just not true. Just because a child is a child doesn't mean you'll like that person. And just because someone is an adult, doesn't mean you'll like them. Sometimes people are unlikable for whatever reason and kids are just little people. And then if you openly admit you don't like a kid, you're labeled a monster and you have no maternal instincts and will hate your own kid too because how could someone not like an 'innocent child'. Tbh, the second my ex would walk out the door to run errands, his son would turn into such a little brat and wouldn't listen to a word I said. 'Oh! Daddy left? Well here's my cue to turn into a little a**hole!' It made it really hard to like him because of that and I don't feel guilty for my feelings... I'm human too. The placing in 2nd, 3rd in your partner's life is one the the most awful things I've ever experienced. Once if got to the point where I was prioritized after the ex, well...that was way too much for me and it was at that point where I truly felt there was no happiness there for me whatsoever. Edited March 5, 2021 by Dis 1 1
Calmandfocused Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Dis said: Tbh, the second my ex would walk out the door to run errands, his son would turn into such a little brat and wouldn't listen to a word I said. 'Oh! Daddy left? Well here's my cue to turn into a little a**hole!' It made it really hard to like him because of that and I don't feel guilty for my feelings... I'm human too. This goes back to a point I stated in your other thread. The child was not acting out to p*** you off. He was acting out because he wanted your/ his dad’s attention. In a child’s mind any attention (positive or negative) is what they want and they will do whatever it takes to get it, including being naughty. This was your cue to take him to the park, out on his bike, play a game, get your roller skates on etc etc ... I can pretty much guarantee you if you did this and devoted attention to him he would have stopped acting out. This would have also been helpful to build your relationship with him. You would have saw the child in a different light. This why I said to you that a bored child who is not getting their needs met is a difficult child. Im also curious why your ex did not take his boy out on errands with him and left him with you? Running errands with his dad would have got that little boy out the house and off his video games, which by the way is not healthy day in day out. Edited March 6, 2021 by Calmandfocused 3
Author Dis Posted March 6, 2021 Author Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: This goes back to a point I stated in your other thread. The child was not acting out to p*** you off. He was acting out because he wanted your/ his dad’s attention. In a child’s mind any attention (positive or negative) is what they want and they will do whatever it takes to get it, including being naughty. This was your cue to take him to the park, out on his bike, play a game, get your roller skates on etc etc ... I can pretty much guarantee you if you did this and devoted attention to him he would have stopped acting out. This would have also been helpful to build your relationship with him. You would have saw the child in a different light. This why I said to you that a bored child who is not getting their needs met is a difficult child. Im also curious why your ex did not take his boy out on errands with him and left him with you? Running errands with his dad would have got that little boy out the house and off his video games, which by the way is not healthy day in day out. Yes, yes. Thank you. I did involve him in activities. Sometime he wanted to. But most time he didn't. He just wanted to play his video game. I agree that he needed more stimuli. More interactions, trips out. Totally agree. I tried to do that. Unfortunately, my ex was too tired/resigned/defeated with whatever to do that. I had talks with the ex about how he's going to maladjusted because he doesn't participate in sports and such or have friends. My nursing supervisor at work has a son his age and he's enrolled in after school karate and other programs like that but my ex always kind of passed that off as, he's too young for that. I know that's not true. My ex didn't seem to think the same way I did. Just sat him in front of a TV screen...and I could only do so much. Edited March 6, 2021 by Dis
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 9 hours ago, Dis said: Tbh, the second my ex would walk out the door to run errands, his son would turn into such a little brat and wouldn't listen to a word I said. 'Oh! Daddy left? Well here's my cue to turn into a little a**hole!' It made it really hard to like him because of that and I don't feel guilty for my feelings... I'm human too. This reminds me of an episode of one of those dog training programmes. The Siberian husky is a big dog and in this case was a lovely well behaved dog as long as the husband was present. As soon as he left for work the dog turned into a nightmare, not doing anything it was told and would end up on the sofa and refuse to move. When she tried to walk it, it would only go if it wanted to, and dragged her about the place - she was not a big woman. It would bite/nip her when she tried to enforce any rules. It was an accident waiting to happen. It was the pecking order. She came beneath the dog, and it didn't respect her. Once they changed that dynamic, the dog became well behaved and stopped biting her. This kid doesn't resect your place in the hierarchy, so when Dad is away, the kid is in charge...
QuietRiot Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Dis said: So many good points here...don't know where to start There's this assumption that just because you're a woman you'll automatically adore your partner's kid. That because you love your partner, that love will transfer over to his child. And sadly, that is just not true. Just because a child is a child doesn't mean you'll like that person. And just because someone is an adult, doesn't mean you'll like them. Sometimes people are unlikable for whatever reason and kids are just little people. And then if you openly admit you don't like a kid, you're labeled a monster and you have no maternal instincts and will hate your own kid too because how could someone not like an 'innocent child'. Tbh, the second my ex would walk out the door to run errands, his son would turn into such a little brat and wouldn't listen to a word I said. 'Oh! Daddy left? Well here's my cue to turn into a little a**hole!' It made it really hard to like him because of that and I don't feel guilty for my feelings... I'm human too. The placing in 2nd, 3rd in your partner's life is one the the most awful things I've ever experienced. Once if got to the point where I was prioritized after the ex, well...that was way too much for me and it was at that point where I truly felt there was no happiness there for me whatsoever. This is where I hear stories when the ex gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend....they start to spend less time with the kids, maybe even start skipping weekends that he's supposed to have them in lieu of taking a weekend vacation out of town with the new sig. other...apparently, because the new sig other is child-free and don't like kids in general. Edited March 6, 2021 by QuietRiot
Blind-Sided Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 On 3/5/2021 at 4:08 AM, elaine567 said: At least DIs is being honest here and true to herself. Some women will stay in such circumstances despite hating just about every minute of it and wishing they were somewhere else... Absolutely. And that ultimately leads to another divorce. 1
hajk Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 8 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Absolutely. And that ultimately leads to another divorce. Or having an affair 2
Blind-Sided Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, Dis said: There's this assumption that just because you're a woman you'll automatically adore your partner's kid. That because you love your partner, that love will transfer over to his child. And sadly, that is just not true. Just because a child is a child doesn't mean you'll like that person. And just because someone is an adult, doesn't mean you'll like them. Sometimes people are unlikable for whatever reason and kids are just little people. And then if you openly admit you don't like a kid, you're labeled a monster and you have no maternal instincts and will hate your own kid too because how could someone not like an 'innocent child'. Tbh, the second my ex would walk out the door to run errands, his son would turn into such a little brat and wouldn't listen to a word I said. 'Oh! Daddy left? Well here's my cue to turn into a little a**hole!' It made it really hard to like him because of that and I don't feel guilty for my feelings... I'm human too. The placing in 2nd, 3rd in your partner's life is one the the most awful things I've ever experienced. Once if got to the point where I was prioritized after the ex, well...that was way too much for me and it was at that point where I truly felt there was no happiness there for me whatsoever. You are right. Not everyone likes everyone else. Including kids. The point of the kid turning into a brat... well... that's just poor upbringing. My kids respect anyone who is older than them... and if I hear otherwise... there is consequences. But with that said... both my girls know I love them very much, and do a lot for them, and they know punishments are real. (I'm not a dad who just threatens a punishment) If you take my current GF... she really doesn't want kids, and doesn't like when they cry/whine. She recently got her OB/GYN to tie her tubes. In the past year, I've never asked her to watch my kids, and I really don't even ask her to help with anything concerning the kids. BUT... she will help them with their homework, and she will play games with them. So... to keep her happy... I respect her stance, and I'm not trying to make her "MOM" in any way. Edited March 6, 2021 by Blind-Sided 2
Miss Peach Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) I'm in a similar situation to you OP but on the other side. I was the single parent with the BF that didn't see to want my kid around. We recently broke up due to this issue and another issue. I can see some of the struggles you had and they were similar to things he complained about. It didn't help he was raised in a very disciplined household and expected me and my kid to suddenly go there after 12 years but I did pick a few of his rules and incorporate them as a compromise. I appreciate hearing your point of view on this since it brought up some things I think I could do better if i bring someone else into things in the future. I've tried to date single dads but mostly seem to wind up with divorced or widowed childless men who never had children. With the single dads I often have trouble with scheduling enough quality time and the after bed dates a lot of single parents want to do don't work well for me. I have met two men who are great with my kid. They treated her like their own or turned into a big kid. My ex bf was the only one why just didn't fit in. I think he just liked the childless adult life of being able to go to bars and on trips and other events all the time and never really cared for the family/parenting life. I see some single parents that can't leave the family/parent mode. I see some single people who can't leave that mode. I have been a single parent for so long I've learned to bounce between the two. Not everyone can or wants to do that. I had the issue my ex bf said he wanted to and didn't know how so I tried to help him but I don't think he really wanted to. I think he really just didn't want to lose me so was trying to hold on. Edited March 12, 2021 by Miss Peach 2
Author Dis Posted March 13, 2021 Author Posted March 13, 2021 6 hours ago, Miss Peach said: I'm in a similar situation to you OP but on the other side. I was the single parent with the BF that didn't see to want my kid around. We recently broke up due to this issue and another issue. I can see some of the struggles you had and they were similar to things he complained about. It didn't help he was raised in a very disciplined household and expected me and my kid to suddenly go there after 12 years but I did pick a few of his rules and incorporate them as a compromise. I appreciate hearing your point of view on this since it brought up some things I think I could do better if i bring someone else into things in the future. I've tried to date single dads but mostly seem to wind up with divorced or widowed childless men who never had children. With the single dads I often have trouble with scheduling enough quality time and the after bed dates a lot of single parents want to do don't work well for me. I have met two men who are great with my kid. They treated her like their own or turned into a big kid. My ex bf was the only one why just didn't fit in. I think he just liked the childless adult life of being able to go to bars and on trips and other events all the time and never really cared for the family/parenting life. I see some single parents that can't leave the family/parent mode. I see some single people who can't leave that mode. I have been a single parent for so long I've learned to bounce between the two. Not everyone can or wants to do that. I had the issue my ex bf said he wanted to and didn't know how so I tried to help him but I don't think he really wanted to. I think he really just didn't want to lose me so was trying to hold on. Loved this. Thank you! I grew up in a strict household too. I went through hell as a kid so it was frustrating for me to see a kid literally get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. My ex did, like you incorporate some of the rules I came up with and they were productive, appropriate rules. Don't know if they will stick after I leave but I guess that's not my issue. I think us single kid free people feel like we go straight from a few months of dating to old married life with kids...there is no fun, flirty period when you date someone with a kid. Also not a lot of time together to enjoy being that 'married couple'. Sounds like your ex just wanted you, not your child. He didn't want the family life. I didn't either. It's a huge sacrifice to make and if a person isn't 100% committed to the parent AND the kid, it won't work. There's no just having the parent without the kid. I think that's the mistake single people make when they date someone with a kid. They think well, I'm not dating the kid so this should be fine. But it doesn't work that way. Just like there is no taking a rabbit without it's ears, there is no dating a parent without taking on their child.
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