Dating a Non-Parent vs a Single Parent

[Miss Spider]

4 hours ago, Caauug said:

 

Odd man out is a good way to put it. Except with me, maybe because I am a woman and the child a girl, it felt like he was the odd man out and I was hanging with the child.... while my date just chillinh in the background, occasionally spending time with me . I spent like a whilw with the one time. He would not sincerely tell the child to leave me alone. He would say way “*girl’s name”, she doesn’t want to do that... “ but not in a sincere tone and the little girl just kept going...and I just let her do whatever bc she’s a kid,  I had to watch all the tiktoks, Minecraft, make beaded jewelry. color, let her spray my hair soaking wet and “style,” uh huh””oh yea, sure, I see “ at every nonsense thing she said and she stare at me all the time and ask questions nonstop .. which is cute the first hour. xD Soon as I got home,  I ran into my room so fast and locked my door and broke up. I love kids but d*** . Needed a break  . I felt bad but I felt like I was not ‘integrated’ enough either. Like I was just tossed in, 0 to 100

Edited February 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Dis]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

I've experienced it from all spectrums.  From marrying a woman with two kids, to having my own two children with her and then, post-separation/divorce, dating both single mothers and women with no children.

Ideally, I would never date another single mother again.  Despite the fact that I'm happily in a relationship, if I ever find myself single again, I would avoid dating women with young children again at all costs.

From my experience, single mothers generally have the children a lot more than the fathers do.  It means that there's very few opportunities to get one-on-one time with your partner.

Yes yes, my bf had his son on all our days off. 3 days a week. Leaves little time to build a relationship. Going straight from attempting to date to realizing that's not going to happen so if you want to continue you have to jump straight to marriage and kids. 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

I've dated single mothers who don't work much (work is part-time) so they have very little money.  It was very expensive dating these types of women as it was generally expected that I fully fund any outings.  It was either that, or we just didn't do anything except sit around the house.

Ughhhh. Yes. the dreaded sitting around the house. I actually never had such an issue with sitting around the house until I dated someone with kids. It was only then that it became tedious and uninspiring. 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Or, if they did work, they were generally so time-poor that by the time they got the kids to bed, they were completely exhausted and stressed out and were generally miserable to be around.  Once the honeymoon period ended, there was very little romance.

Absolutely. Once the kid goes to bed the parent is so tired the time spent together isn't quality time. It's fighting to stay awake and half way enjoy each other time. Romance is long dead and gone at this point. 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's pretty uncommon in my experience to find a father who assumes the role of having his kids cohabit on a full-time basis.  It's either 50/50 split, or the mother has them more.  In my case it's about 75/25 in favor of my ex-wife as I work away a lot.

For OP and the other women who found the experience of being stepmom wasn't for them, that is totally understandable.  I guess that it's important for the father to manage it in a way which promotes his girlfriend and his kids to be on-board with one another in order to make it work for the long-term.

As I mentioned above, unfortunately my bf didn't make an attempt at integrating us all. Kind of just moved me and said, well you can take it from there. Kind of like an employee getting put on the job with no training,,, so after trying to do what I felt was expected of me yet failing, I quit. 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

 

 

 

[Dis]

12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

  I had to watch all the tiktoks, Minecraft, make beaded jewelry. color, let her spray my hair soaking wet and “style it”, “uh huh””oh yea, sure, I see “ at every nonsense thing she said and she stare at me all the time and ask questions nonstop .. which is cute the first hour. xD Soon as I got home,  I ran into my room so fast and locked my door and broke up. I love kids but d*** . Needed a break 

When I first met my bf's son I felt the same way you did for the first few hours. I felt endeared. I thought, here's a sweet little boy showing me the youtube videos he likes, gently tapping me on the shoulder to show me the next move he made on his video game. He made room for me when we ordered take out so I could have a spot on the couch. My heart melted. I thought, how could I not want this? 

 

Then came the 24/7 living. The endless chit chat. The tantrums. The accidental competition between us for the father's/boyfriend's time/attention. Any fond feelings were replaced with resentment and irritation. Whyyyyy do I have to hear this kid and his endless banter from the time he gets picked up in the parking lot outside the apartment to the time get gets walked out to the parking lot to be driven away? O.m.g. The talking. It. Never. Ends. 

[Miss Spider]

Yes. At first, it’s not so bad. It can be cute  in small increments( like I’ve had with nieces and nephews and friends kids) But it wears on you after a long time of exposure. By then end, I could take no more.
 

Such is parenthood. It’s a big reason I choose not to have kids. But I think for some, I hate to say it,  it would be much more tolerable if it were their own kids. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Dis]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes. At first, it’s not so bad. It can be cute  in small increments( like I’ve had with nieces and nephews and friends kids) But it wears on you after a long time of exposure. 
 

Such is parenthood. It’s a big reason I choose not to have kids. But I think for some, I hate to say it,  it would be much more tolerable if it were their own kids. 

Well when it's your kids the banter and enthusiasm makes you happy to see your kid happy ....but when it's not your kid...it's just annoying 

[Caauug]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Ideally, I would never date another single mother again.  Despite the fact that I'm happily in a relationship, if I ever find myself single again, I would avoid dating women with young children again at all costs.

Thank You...

A while back on a dating thread here on LS, a woman was wondering why she couldn't keep a BF for long.... They just wanted to pump and dump. She was a single mum with a few kids, I said it was her kids were her main reason.... I got hated on for stating that!!!!  Everyone else was saying how good a catch she was....

IMO, to start: Kid(s) half her SMV for a long term R. Everything else is compounded to drop it farther, as in: relationship with ex, money and time management, number of kids, personality/behavior of kids etc. Can go from an 8 to a 0 very quickly....

Maybe I was a little blunt in my delivery.... Good to see others like minded.

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Well when it's your kids the banter and enthusiasm makes you happy to see your kid happy ....but when it's not your kid...it's just annoying 

You're underestimating how annoying one's own kids can be      Ever heard the phrase "mommy just needs to rest her ears"? 

[Calmandfocused]

Admittedly this thread is depressing me. 
 

It seems the general consensus here is that people with children are “lower quality” dating prospects than people without children which makes me very sad. 
 

As a single mum of 2 Ive never had a problem finding dates/ partners. Even though I’m fully financially sufficient, and always make time for my partner, it looks like no one is actually going to take me seriously long term . Bugger! 

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Admittedly this thread is depressing me. 
 

It seems the general consensus here is that people with children are “lower quality” dating prospects than people without children which makes me very sad. 
 

As a single mum of 2 Ive never had a problem finding dates/ partners. Even though I’m fully financially sufficient, and always make time for my partner, it looks like no one is actually going to take me seriously long term . Bugger! 

Well, yeah.  Dang, it sucks!  But hey, we've just gotta roll with the punches!

Do you know how many women unmatched me after I told them I had kids?  Not that I should have *had* to tell them as I always listed it on the profiles of all the dating apps I was on.  Those women were happy to simply swipe right without reading my bio, which, curiously seems at odds with what women claim they do.  Who knew...

Anyway, did I care?  Eh... well, maybe just a little bit!  However, did being bummed about a few chicks on a dating app unmatching me affect how I went about things?  Nope!  Like you, I've never struggled finding dates/partners.  I still matched with plenty enough who were willing to date this single dad!

I did decide, however, after my last break-up, that I'd focus primarily on women who didn't have children and who, ideally, did not want any children of their own.  I broke my rule a couple of times when I decided to go on a date with a woman who had three (!) daughters.  It back fired on me as she never showed up!

However, I digress...

The point is, if you don't struggle to get dates, then being a single mom is not your problem.  Just because a select few respondents on this thread have indicated that they wouldn't entertain dating someone with kids does not mean they speak for the majority.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Caauug said:

Maybe I was a little blunt in my delivery.... Good to see others like minded.

 

Great flick!!    The guy did marry her (Erin Brockovich), true story. I believe they are still married! 

And lord, what he went through babysitting those kids alone, especially the 10-month old, but perhaps you're right Dis, it's different for men coming into that situation than women? 

As I said, my own dad embraced the role, while my stepmom couldn't be bothered with it. 

Or perhaps it's not a gender issue, but an individual issue; some "people" are able to embrace, others not.  

Anyway, all that's important is it wasn't the right situation for you, so now you know.

I posted this in your other thread but I think it's great you and your now-ex ended things do gracefully and amicably.  Good job! 

 

 

 

Edited February 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're underestimating how annoying one's own kids can be      Ever heard the phrase "mommy just needs to rest her ears"? 

Absolutely but your own kids annoying tendencies aren't on the same level as other peoples kids. 

[Miss Spider]

I think Erin Brockovich and that guy split up but he became like nanny to the kids? 
Haha. Pretty abnormal but interesting, nevertheless. 
 

Also some people think that if you really love your partner, you will by extension really love their child, because it is theirs, it will become your own child who you love just as much as your own kin when you become a stepparent. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Also some people think that if you really love your partner, you will by extension really love their child, because it is theirs, it will become your own child who you love just as much as your own kin when you become a stepparent. 

Is that wrong?  Or an incorrect way to think?

I'm asking as that's always what I believed, I guess based on witnessing how my dad felt and embraced the role. 

But I've never been in that situation so easy for me to say! Lol

I actually have no idea how I would feel.

But based on how I know myself when in love and how I don't need to be my partner's first priority knowing his kids come first, or needing all his attention, I think if it ever happened, I might embrace the role like my dad and love my partner's child as if it were my own, but that's just speculation 

Edited February 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Is that wrong?  Or an incorrect way to think?

I'm asking as that's always what I believed, I guess based on witnessing how my dad felt and embraced the role. 

But I've never been in that situation so easy for me to say! Lol

I actually have no idea how I would feel.

But based on how I know myself when in love and how I don't need to be my partner's first priority knowing his kids come first, or needing all his attention, I think if it ever happened, I might embrace the role like my dad and love my partner's child as if it were my own, but that's just speculation 

Yea it’s probably not wrong and it’s a good way to think. I wouldn’t know either because I wasn’t in love with that guy lol. And  just getting to that place through dating a parent can be a challenge for me 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Highndry]

I never had kids so I prefer to date women who don't have kids. We're a better match.

[Starswillshine]

Single mom here. I have only introduced my current boyfriend to my children, so I guess I have limited experience. My boyfriend has no children; however he has always wanted them... just had not met anyone that he would like to settle down for life and have children. He is amazing with my kids. I have 4 total, 2 are grown and out of the house (JUST out of the house) and the other two are pre-teen-age. He did say that I have always made him feel like an equal priority with the kids once we were more involved in every day being together. I think it makes a difference that he comes from a large family with many siblings and he coached kids for about 10 years. I have the kids 12 out of 14 days, so it was something that was really important to me. Someone who I dated needed to understand kids and the needs of kids. Of course we have been together for a long time now, and we knew each other for a decade prior. 

On the flip side, my ex-husband has a new-ish girlfriend (I only met her a month ago along with my kids but they were casually dating for awhile before) who now lives with him. She also has no children; however, she was an only child. She was never around other children. Never had a want for children, not a pet lover, doesn't really like to make commitment to things (words from my ex). She had an attention needing, toddler like meltdown at my home the other day when my ex-husband was talking to me. In discussions later, he told me this is an adjustment phase for her because she isn't used to not having full attention and she has these meltdowns frequently when they do have my children, which is quite concerning for me as their mother. He said, "She needs to learn to be in the background for those couple of days." And maybe it is HIS approach to it that makes it hard. I told him she doesn't need to be in the background, but she needs to understand she needs to SHARE the space of the foreground. For heaven's sake, it is only a weekend. There are 12 other days to consume ALL of his energy. It is in stark contrast to his last girlfriend who still takes my kids for girls' day out. Which I love. I am not a mother who feels threatened, I see it as an opportunity for more people to love my kids.. and the more, the better. I also desire to have a great relationship with my ex and whomever is in his life. I want her to feel comfortable to call me about anything. And I also plan to have the most respect for their relationship.... so whatever amount of contact/friendship/relationship that works for her and whatever she is most comfortable with in regards to his relationship with me... I plan to respect it. 

Anyway, it is hard navigating dating someone who isn't your children's parent... and especially hard for the other parent who doesn't know this new person in their kids' life. I am lucky for my boyfriend. I just pray this new girlfriend starts to settle down some. 

[Allupinnit]

Like any successful relationship, especially a delicate one like when children are involved, blending takes time and patience.  It can take YEARS for a blended family to eventually get into a cadence and gel, but whoever thought it would happen overnight without lots of conflicting needs and feelings involved was hugely mistaken.  

My H and I made a LOT of mistakes at the beginning and there were lots of hurts, guilt, the need to control (on my part), jealousy - just saying that your situation isn't unique and it takes WORK and commitment, and time.  We had coaching to help us with these dynamics we couldn't control and didn't understand - and it got a lot easier.

My SD is now 9 years old and while still not perfect we have our own special relationship; I'm not her mom but I'm a huge influence on her and she is learning things from me that she doesn't from anyone else, just this weekend we got her hair cut and she tagged along with me to the nail salon.  It gets easier as they get older and can take care of themselves, as well (she was only 4 and needy AF when I met her).  Now 5 years in I wouldn't trade my little family for anything.

So really the choice is yours - you've already checked out of this relationship and have decided stemommin' isn't for you and trust it takes guts and putting on your big girl panties but as we get older most of the men who don't have children well - there is a reason why lol.

 

[Acacia98]

I'm not married and have no kids (but I have familial responsibilities that I'm not going to go into). I would prefer to date a single father to a man without kids. But he'd have to be a responsible and caring parent (consistently making time for his kids, not rushing to introduce us, not throwing them under the bus to accommodate me) and actually have the time, room in his life, and inclination to have a proper relationship with me.

I agree with the sentiment that becoming a parent generally changes people (but of course there are exceptions). The shift from putting yourself first and foremost to putting another human being first and being responsible for their life, health and well-being is no small deal. I have much respect for the men (and the women) who are able to make this transition well. 

I would steer clear of single fathers who didn't have the capacity to set good boundaries that allowed their various relationships to coexist in relative peace and harmony. So @Disillusionment373, your relationship with your guy was bound to be disastrous from the very beginning. He was in too much of a rush to introduce you to his son. I actually don't think he had time and room in his life for a relationship. And I don't think he understands how much time and attention he needs to devote to himself (considering his health issues and general sense of exhaustion and being overwhelmed) and to his poor son. So it was inevitable that you felt neglected and like you were in competition with the kid.

[Snow_Queen]

As a once single mom, I preferred to not date single dads. Most had over involved exes or one with one or both parties not having boundaries.

Many years later, I met my husband who I hesitated to date. He had 2 older kids and and absent ex wife. I also have an absent ex husband so little baggage for both of us. Something told me to give him a chance. Turns out, he was a wonderful man. He had already been divorced for years when we met with no signs of any feelings on his side. She has some still but he has fiercely solid boundaries with his ex. Never had I felt our relationship to be in danger because of those boundaries.

As for the kids, I suddenly became a full time mom of 4 with 3 kids plus a baby of our own. 
The mother is not present at all so that’s a big responsibility! I don’t have any expectations from them which is something many stepparents expect. This leads to disappointment/resentment when they don’t get that appreciation from the kids. I view it as simply being responsible and helping my SO ensure their needs are met. I don’t expect them to adore me or call me mom.
 

Not once has my husband ever made me feel like I wasn’t a priority or like I was a nanny. We work together and communicate to make sure no one is feeling neglected or overwhelmed. It’s hard work but rewarding if you have the right person by your side.

[lurker74]

I am surprised by how many people say that the children always come first. That is not remotely true. And it shouldn't be true, not if you want to raise non-neurotic children. How do I know? How many of you have jobs? Do you bring your children with you to those jobs? 

"Of course not, but that's different. I have a job to provide for my children."

Oh...and that is different how? Do you think your children could benefit from seeing a healthy relationship modeled? Do you think your children are somehow better off with a parent that is 100% focused on them? Because generally - very generally - that often cause problems. 

Instead, parenting is like a priority stack in programming. The priority depends on the need. Sometimes, children are #1. Sometimes work is #1. And sometimes a partner is #1. It is very rare that children and partner ever directly contradict each other except in the case of other issues, such as the parent being a people-pleaser or the step-parent feeling threatened. Maybe that's enough for some people to peace-out, but the idea that "children always comes first" is neither true not should it be. People who grew up from the 50s all the way through the 90s probably spent a large portion of their childhood without their parents around to entertain them.

As a father, I used to only date women who had at least one child. I screwed up and fell in love with a childless woman and couldn't be luckier for it. She recently told me how happy she is that I have children (teens) as she truly likes children in general and mine in particular, even though she has doubts early on (before she knew them). My advice is to judge children like you should judge partners...on a case by case basis.

[Dis]

On 3/1/2021 at 10:02 AM, Allupinnit said:

 

So really the choice is yours - you've already checked out of this relationship and have decided stemommin' isn't for you and trust it takes guts and putting on your big girl panties but as we get older most of the men who don't have children well - there is a reason why lol.

 

I disagree. People are waiting for kids and marriage for many good reasons 

 

I think it's actually responsible and respectable if someone waits to have a child until they're truly ready and have stable partner to raise their child with. So many people having children without giving it a real thought and then the kids have to be raised in broken homes. 

 

I think at the end of the day, it takes time to find the right person, and someone who waits to have kids until they find that person, is a person after my own heart

[Dis]

On 3/1/2021 at 1:41 PM, Acacia98 said:

 

I would steer clear of single fathers who didn't have the capacity to set good boundaries that allowed their various relationships to coexist in relative peace and harmony. So @Disillusionment373, your relationship with your guy was bound to be disastrous from the very beginning. He was in too much of a rush to introduce you to his son. I actually don't think he had time and room in his life for a relationship. And I don't think he understands how much time and attention he needs to devote to himself (considering his health issues and general sense of exhaustion and being overwhelmed) and to his poor son. So it was inevitable that you felt neglected and like you were in competition with the kid.

It really was bound to fail. 

 

He didn't rush to introduce me to his son though. He waited 6 months which I think was okay but even if he waited longer, it still wouldn't have worked because all the meet ups we had with his son had me feeling completely different from how I felt when we all lived together

 

You're spot on that his plate was full...not really a little wedge available for me to fit into. From him having his son on all his days off to his health issues, I really did get pushed out to the outskirts of his world. So the time I did have with him which was also time his son had with him, I felt I had to fight for which created a competitory feeling...me kind of pitted against his son which is awful for everyone. And that led to resentment for the kid and my bf and that led to the end. 

 

Still can't believe I got into this.... 

[Allupinnit]

On 3/2/2021 at 6:30 PM, Dis said:

I disagree. People are waiting for kids and marriage for many good reasons 

 

I think it's actually responsible and respectable if someone waits to have a child until they're truly ready and have stable partner to raise their child with. So many people having children without giving it a real thought and then the kids have to be raised in broken homes. 

 

I think at the end of the day, it takes time to find the right person, and someone who waits to have kids until they find that person, is a person after my own heart

How old are you?  34?  If you want kids of your own I wouldn't waste any more time living with your (ex?) boyfriend.  It will take you time to get settled on your own, meet someone else, and most people will want to date a couple of years before getting married.

What you said sounds nice but the brutal truth is time waits for none of us.  And based on my own experience of having met my H when I was over 35 the quality of men who had never been married/had kids was vastly different than they were at 25 or even 30.

Edited March 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comment.

[Dis]

On 3/2/2021 at 7:02 PM, Allupinnit said:

How old are you?  34?  If you want kids of your own I wouldn't waste any more time living with your (ex?) boyfriend.  It will take you time to get settled on your own, meet someone else, and most people will want to date a couple of years before getting married.

What you said sounds nice but the brutal truth is time waits for none of us.  And based on my own experience of having met my H when I was over 35 the quality of men who had never been married/had kids was vastly different than they were at 25 or even 30.

While I am moving as fast as I can to relocate and did feel a lot of pressure to move on and accomplish my goals.....the posters who genuinely care about my life tell me to enjoy my life and not to rush marriage and kids and I agree. I just want to be happy again. If it happens it happens. There are still good guys out there. Hasn't been too long since I did OLD and I went out with some great guys.

Edited March 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed reference to deleted comment.

[Saorla]

On 3/2/2021 at 7:02 PM, Allupinnit said:

How old are you?  34?  If you want kids of your own I wouldn't waste any more time living with your (ex?) boyfriend.  It will take you time to get settled on your own, meet someone else, and most people will want to date a couple of years before getting married.

What you said sounds nice but the brutal truth is time waits for none of us.  And based on my own experience of having met my H when I was over 35 the quality of men who had never been married/had kids was vastly different than they were at 25 or even 30.

The bolded sentences are true in theory, but it´s such a toxic way of going about life, especially for a woman in her 30s. Time waits for none of us, sure, but it is also too short to stress about things you can´t really hasten, unless you´re making impulsive and rather desperate decisions. I am a 31 year old woman myself and I have taken a lot of pressure off myself by deciding, that it doesn´t really matter if I ever get married and have children - I´m fine either way. I am open for possibilities and I go on dates when I´m really interested in someone and there´s nothing more I can do, really. I briefly dated a guy, willing to rush into things with me and if I had that "time is ticking" mindset, I would probably end up in another failed relationship with someone, who didn´t think things through either. Instead, I am still single, but happy and content. 

Edited March 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed reference to deleted comment.