Dating a Non-Parent vs a Single Parent

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

But for me I really felt I was an outsider with everything and everyone there...the third wheel with the part time bf. It was sad and frustrating. 

That’s what it is - I moved into my boyfriends home and it was at times, sad and frustrating. It wasn’t my home, they had their own routines... I felt at times like an outsider and while we all worked to accommodate to each other, it was not easy. 

But, it is also how it should be. It is important that he spend time with his son - time that is separate from the time you spend together as a “family.” 

Edited February 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

From what I've heard, dating a single parent can be rewarding, stepping into the stepparent role. I've heard some say they really bonded with their stepkid and the child actually became a bonus to their relationship. 

This here is possible when the non-parent embraces the notion of 'we're a family'. There are 'couple only' nights but majority of the time it's about enjoying being in a family dynamic.

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This here is possible when the non-parent embraces the notion of 'we're a family'. There are 'couple only' nights but majority of the time it's about enjoying being in a family dynamic.

If they share custody, there is actually more “couple time” than if they were an intact nuclear family and the children lived in the home full time. 

But also - when the child comes into the home the focus is on the child. Because time is limited, the natural desire is to spend as much time with the child as possible...

Edited February 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

I wonder if it's more difficult when it's the woman non-parent matching with a man parent. Stories with woman parent and men no-parent seem to blend more easily? Or it's just a false impression I have. When the men are the parent one maybe they have a harder time bringing together all parties involved. As for us women it's very instinctual to create a nest and make everyone feel home in that nest. Just extrapolating here. 

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s what it is - I moved into my boyfriends home and it was at times, sad and frustrating. It wasn’t my home, they had their own routines..

Do you think it would have been a different dynamic if your boyfriend had sold his house and you'd purchase one together instead of moving in with him?

[central]

When I got back into dating (years ago), I had a son.  I met many women, some of whom had kids, but many who did not and didn't plan on having any.  I eventually married one who had kids close to mine in age, and that worked out well.  We were both glad that they were teenagers and would be going off on their own in not too many more years.  Relationships are hard, and blending families even harder.  Having plenty of time just for each other is a big plus when developing a relationship.

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you think it would have been a different dynamic if your boyfriend had sold his house and you'd purchase one together instead of moving in with him?

We recently did that - we built a home together - and it’s a very different dynamic. It helps that the home has more space but it also doesn’t have the same history. Unfortunately, the flip side is that his son was very sad to leave his home and he now feels a little displaced - but that will improve as we work to finish the basement and he has his own space. It will all work out in the end, it’s just taken a long time for everyone to get settled...

I think your question about the gender differences is a interesting one. I wonder how much of the men taking on responsibility has to do with the “white knight syndrome.” I also wonder how much the role the ex plays factors into the dynamic (ie. absent parent vs. ex who is very present or feels threatened by the new relationship). There are probably many things that factor in...

Edited February 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

 

42 minutes ago, central said:

When I got back into dating (years ago), I had a son.  I met many women, some of whom had kids, but many who did not and didn't plan on having any.  I eventually married one who had kids close to mine in age, and that worked out well.  We were both glad that they were teenagers and would be going off on their own in not too many more years.  Relationships are hard, and blending families even harder.  Having plenty of time just for each other is a big plus when developing a relationship.

I became part of a blended family in my mid teens, my step sisters and step brother were very young at the time under 10.

What's interesting is that my dad embraced his role as stepdad and treated his step children (my step siblings) as if they were his own, he loved them and raised them as if they were his own.  He even included them in his will when he passed, giving them equal shares.  He walked my step sister down the aisle at her wedding and "gave her away."  She often called him dad (just like I did).

On the other hand, it was quite obvious my stepmom did not like me, she resented me, and I think at times it caused friction between her and my dad because my dad and I were close.

Because of my experience, I believe that men and women embrace their respective step parenting roles differently (generally speaking there are always exceptions).  With the women feeling very much like how you feel Disillusionment (no judgment).

Anyway, I am sorry it didn't work out but lesson learned, no more men with kids.  You tried it on, it didn't fit and that's okay!

The right man is out there when you're ready for him.

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

Child or not depends greatly on age.

 

I see it common with folks in their 20s of not interested in single parent

 

once you are in your mid 30s timing matters because you can meet someone who has no kids and wants thrm ors9mrone has thrm and don’t want to start again or peoPle having kids at different stages ehere one has teenagers almost off to college while the other still has 10+ yrs left in their Kids.

in the USA you have to be careful. As a step parent your income factors into student college financial aid determination.

 

[Dis]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I wonder if it's more difficult when it's the woman non-parent matching with a man parent. Stories with woman parent and men no-parent seem to blend more easily? Or it's just a false impression I have. When the men are the parent one maybe they have a harder time bringing together all parties involved. As for us women it's very instinctual to create a nest and make everyone feel home in that nest. Just extrapolating here. 

I think you're on to something

 

I always told my bf I felt like he didn't make an effort to try to integrate me into his life with his son. To the point where I had to try to which wasn't easy and because I wasn't the parent, didn't go well. I asked him to plan activities or just help me to carry on a 5 year old appropriate conversation with his son, please just help!!! And he didn't real try. 

 

I think with women, we like to plan those things and go out of our way to create a cozy environment for everyone. Whereas single dads just kind of expect you to fall into it like magic. Sorry but I'm not a magician and if I don't feel something for this child, I will hate it here. And, that's what happened. 

[World Peace Guy]

When Jesus said not to put new wine in old bottles, he wasn't talking so much about age. He was talking more about marriage with kids involved. Not to say it can not work, it can. There are many problems though. Mostly, children cost money, and people have serious issues with money. Money you think should go to you and your family, will go to another family or his kids. There is also the question of where love/priories are going. More than you may like will be going to his kids. It creates a very complicated relationship, that can only work in special situations.

[Dis]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

We recently did that - we built a home together - and it’s a very different dynamic. It helps that the home has more space but it also doesn’t have the same history. Unfortunately, the flip side is that his son was very sad to leave his home and he now feels a little displaced - but that will improve as we work to finish the basement and he has his own space. It will all work out in the end, it’s just taken a long time for everyone to get settled...

I think your question about the gender differences is a interesting one. I wonder how much of the men taking on responsibility has to do with the “white knight syndrome.” I also wonder how much the role the ex plays factors into the dynamic (ie. absent parent vs. ex who is very present or feels threatened by the new relationship). There are probably many things that factor in...

Living in a place where you can all start from scratch would help a lot

 

I remember thinking part of the reason why I felt so out of place is because I moved into an already lived in home where an ex also lived too. There's something very displacing about that. 

[Dis]

1 hour ago, World Peace Guy said:

When Jesus said not to put new wine in old bottles

Wow, this has a lot of truth to it. Coming from a situation where this applies more than anything else...

 

Wow....

[Dis]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

 

Because of my experience, I believe that men and women embrace their respective step parenting roles differently (generally speaking there are always exceptions).  With the women feeling very much like how you feel Disillusionment (no judgment).

Anyway, I am sorry it didn't work out but lesson learned, no more men with kids.  You tried it on, it didn't fit and that's okay!

The right man is out there when you're ready for him.

 

Awww thanks my girl  

 

Do you think it's more common for stepmothers to feel this way bs stepfathers?

 

I do. Women are more complex emotionally. And maybe, IMO more inclined to feel feelings of jealously 

[Calmandfocused]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I wonder if it's more difficult when it's the woman non-parent matching with a man parent. Stories with woman parent and men no-parent seem to blend more easily? Or it's just a false impression I have. When the men are the parent one maybe they have a harder time bringing together all parties involved. As for us women it's very instinctual to create a nest and make everyone feel home in that nest. Just extrapolating here. 

Gaeta I also agree that you’re onto something here. 
 

One of my lifelong friends has 2 boys, who were very small when she met her (father of one to an adult) husband. They’ve been married 8 years. 
 

The situation works beautifully.  Her husband loves her boys (and vice versa) and he does everything that a father would do for those boys. The boys still see their biological father, everyone gets along (husband and dad included) and it’s how I wish my life would be if I ever get married again. 
 

My friend always says that it was her husband’s approach to her sons that made her love him even more. She and I often comment that if it was the other way round, then she (and I) would have found it extremely difficult. 
 

However the difference here is that my friend fully integrated her husband into family life from the get go. She includes her husband in every family decision, activity etc and he is never “on the side”. Hes highly valued in the family dynamic and highly respected. My friend would never tolerate the “you’re  not my dad” occasional utterances from her boys. She is clear that her husbands word is as important as hers. 

In summary I think there is a responsibility of the parent here. If you are not willing to embrace your partners existence wholly and fully into your family life, how do you expect them to be happy and get their needs met? They are still a person and not less important than someone who does have kids. 
 

It can work but there has to be a commitment from both parties who are working to the same agenda. 
 

For this reason, as a parent I would date someone with or without children, bearing in mind I’m a mother of 2 myself. 

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[SaraSays]

As of Feb 2021, the world's population is estimated at 7.8 billion, and we don't even come into contact across our whole lifetimes with even close to 1% of those people, let alone share a common language, or geographical location, or know enough to know what's going on behind closed doors. That's why personal anecdotes shouldn't be extrapolated to mean something they don't about women, men or relationships, because they don't tell us anything beyond "1 man... ", or "1 woman... " or "1 relationship... ".

What's inescapable is that there are so many unwanted kids in the world (living in their homes, but unwanted, living away from their homes and unwanted), and children are at great risk online from predators who seek-out kids to groom, and in their homes because of lockdown with any abusers in their homes (and the reduction in opportunities for teachers, police officers and doctors and nurses to safeguard them).

We never know what's going on behind someone else's closed door, however much we find their Instagram showreel compelling, or find their stories of everything being lovely enchanting. The reason this matters is we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are walking amongst people in desperate need of help, and people who seek to harm others, day-in, day-out, and we don't know it, because we fixate on stereotypes of what victims and abusers look and sound like, and how they behave. 

Watch some of those shows on serial k1llers. They often have a trail of family members, friends, acquaintances and neighbours, who can never accept what's been proven to be true.

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Do you think it's more common for stepmothers to feel this way bs stepfathers?

Don't really know, I can only speak to my experience.  But my stepmom clearly did not like me and whenever I spent time there, I could sense the tension between them.

I used to hear them arguing about me as well, which didn't make me feel real great.  

I think every situation is different and there are women who embrace that role, but that's not you (or wasn't you in this particular situation) and that is ok! 

You do you.

I'm wondering Dis, if you met a man with a precious little girl, quiet, well-behaved, pretty, would you have felt the same?  

From what you've written, his son sounds like quite the handful, precocious, temperamental.  I mean kicking and screaming on the floor?  Wreaking havoc?  

He may have some emotional problems, which would make it difficult for any woman coming into that situation.

 

 

[Dis]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Don't really know, I can only speak to my experience.  But my stepmom clearly did not like me and whenever I spent time there, I could sense the tension between them.

I used to hear them arguing about me as well, which didn't make me feel real great.  

I think every situation is different and there are women who embrace that role, but that's not you (or wasn't you in this particular situation) and that is ok! 

You do you.

I'm wondering Dis, if you met a man with a precious little girl, quiet, well-behaved, pretty, would you have felt the same?  

From what you've written, his son sounds like quite the handful, precocious, temperamental.  I mean kicking and screaming on the floor?  Wreaking havoc?  

He may have some emotional problems, which would make it difficult for any woman coming into that situation.

 

 

I wouldn't feel different...at least not after this. And I wouldn't attempt to try even if I thought there was a chance I could feel differently. Not after this nightmare. I need to come first with my partner. I need to have a partner where we both dote on each other and prioritize each other. That can't happen when you date a single parent. 

 

His son has some issues. He's spoiled, really. He's all sunshine and rainbows until you tell him something he doesn't like. Then it's a meltdown where he won't even talk, just throw himself on the floor kick and wail and then go silent as he curls up into a ball. I attribute most of the issues to his mom's end but some on my bf's end too. They both let him play video games day and night. No simple chores. No limits on screen time. And at his mom's he hits, kicks, throws things, treats their dogs horribly and calls his grandmother and is verbally abusive to his mom and grandmother. Swears. It's so bad that the ex has to call my bf to get him to calm down. 

 

I'm sorry but I can't deal with any of that from a kid who isn't mine. Pure hell on earth. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 2/26/2021 at 3:16 AM, Weezy1973 said:

There are parents that regret making the decision to have kids. They’re largely shamed for it unfortunately. 

I'm not into shaming people but I think they  somewhat earned it by having children and reg;retting it.  OTOH I think it's absurd tor people who choose not to have children to feel pressured or shamed for that decision.  People who don't want kids should definitely not have any.  

I have no tolerance for single parents who get their young kids mixed up with their dating life.  These kids should not be involved with people a parent is dating except on the most casual of levels.  Especially when the  child becomes attached to the person, or, worse, when the person turns out to be one who actively dislikes the kid.  Can you imagine what kind of number this does on the child.  Parents who drag the kids through their romantic comings and goings are doing a pretty sorry job.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm not into shaming people but I think they  somewhat earned it by having children and reg;retting it. 

This sounds as if you're suggesting the parent knew in advance they'd regret it and went ahead and did it anyway.   

[NuevoYorko]

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I wonder if it's more difficult when it's the woman non-parent matching with a man parent. Stories with woman parent and men no-parent seem to blend more easily? Or it's just a false impression I have. 

I don't know.  Maybe.  These ideas are fraught with gender stereotypes, but here goes:  I've seen quite a few men marry women with children.  They have typically taken on the provider role and the mother,  as gender roles teach women to do, carries on with the majority of parenting.  The men don't do too much nurturing / caretaking of the stepchildren in those cases.

I know of two cases where that's gone south; one is my sister, who married a man who seemed to be very into joining a family with kids.  Once they were married, he became very demanding of her attention and apparently resentful of the time her children were "taking away" from him.  Pretty passive-aggressive towards the children and her.   They got divorced and it was pretty hard on her kids - who had already been through their parents' divorce.

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by NuevoYorko

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This sounds as if you're suggesting the parent knew in advance they'd regret it and went ahead and did it anyway.   

No ... I just think that it's pretty harsh to imagine a parent regarding their child and actively harboring the thought "I regret having you."  I hope it doesn't happen very often because I think that would be a pretty toxic environment for a kid, even if the parents did everything to hide their feelings.

Regretting having kids is much different than missing your freedom, being completely frustrated, etc. 

I never wanted children and neither did my ex wife, who was supposedly unable to have them anyway.  Sure enough, she got pregnant.  Once we decided to have the baby, there was no regret - definitely a lot of jarring lifestyle changes though. 

[jspice]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I never wanted children and neither did my ex wife, who was supposedly unable to have them anyway.  Sure enough, she got pregnant.  Once we decided to have the baby, there was no regret - definitely a lot of jarring lifestyle changes though. 

I suspect if you or your ex wife had the need to be the centre of attention or to be adored by the other to the exclusion of any children that you probably wouldn’t have had the same reaction. Rolling with the punches life throws at you shows maturity.
 

[Caauug]

On 2/27/2021 at 7:59 AM, Gaeta said:

Stories with woman parent and men no-parent seem to blend more easily?

I tried "dating" a single mum,  got thrown in the deep end quickly.... It wasn't really dating, it was drop in after work have dinner with the family and see how you fit in.... I had known her for a few years before so we were not strangers to each other. 

-She came as a package deal, ready made family.

-I was always the odd man out, the family dog even came before me... 

-A day out became expensive very quickly, my idea to have the day out so I was expected to pay for everyone.

She was nice enough, a good person and a good mum, but I just couldn't handle the family package deal. I had worked hard for a few years to recover financially after my marriage failure, I was not willing to toss that away. She was not good with money, always part time low paying jobs, so likely never had much to be good with. It never developed into a R so there was no real break up, we just went back to how we were before.

When I see "Single mum, kids living at home" that is a big Red Flag to me.... 

Good luck if you can make it work....

[Trail Blazer]

I've experienced it from all spectrums.  From marrying a woman with two kids, to having my own two children with her and then, post-separation/divorce, dating both single mothers and women with no children.

Ideally, I would never date another single mother again.  Despite the fact that I'm happily in a relationship, if I ever find myself single again, I would avoid dating women with young children again at all costs.

From my experience, single mothers generally have the children a lot more than the fathers do.  It means that there's very few opportunities to get one-on-one time with your partner.

I've dated single mothers who don't work much (work is part-time) so they have very little money.  It was very expensive dating these types of women as it was generally expected that I fully fund any outings.  It was either that, or we just didn't do anything except sit around the house.

Or, if they did work, they were generally so time-poor that by the time they got the kids to bed, they were completely exhausted and stressed out and were generally miserable to be around.  Once the honeymoon period ended, there was very little romance.

It's pretty uncommon in my experience to find a father who assumes the role of having his kids cohabit on a full-time basis.  It's either 50/50 split, or the mother has them more.  In my case it's about 75/25 in favor of my ex-wife as I work away a lot.

For OP and the other women who found the experience of being stepmom wasn't for them, that is totally understandable.  I guess that it's important for the father to manage it in a way which promotes his girlfriend and his kids to be on-board with one another in order to make it work for the long-term.

In my case, I found that single mothers had very high expectations that I walk in and assume a certain level of responsibility.  In some ways it was good, as I wasn't made to feel like I was on the periphery, but in other ways it felt like I was unfairly overburdened.

Whether it was deliberate or not, my experiences dating single mothers made me feel like I had to be the white knight.  I earn good money and so, I was always looked upon to contribute in many ways - financially being no exception.

I am currently with my girlfriend of 16 months who has no children and has no intention of having children.  However, she has fully embraced the fact that I have two children and was not daunted about that prospect for a second.

I would like to think that I've done a reasonable job balancing everything from my children's needs, to ensuring that I am there for my partner to spend quality time with her, too.  My kids love my girlfriend and she is very fond of them as well.

I suppose the difference between my experience dating single mothers to my girlfriend's experience dating your's truly, a single dad with two young(ish) kids, is that I've put zero expectations on my girlfriend to raise, fund or emotionally support in any unreasonable way, anything to do with my kids.

As someone who has his $h!t together in life, I don't want for anything other than my kids to get along with my girlfriend, and vice versa.  Neither party is made to feel negelcted or overburdened, which is the key to maintaining a harmonious relationship.

I can say with almost complete certainty that any hypothetical relationship I'd have in the future with a single mom would involve way too much effort on my part for way too little reward. 

I've been there, done that and whilst I fully embraced it at the time, in retrospect it's a thankless task which sucked me dry emotionally and financially with nothing to show for once the relationship ended.