Why do guys lose interest the second you actually start being loving to them

[CalipsoRose]

I have noticed this throughout my 20s. Guys lose interest the second you start being nice, falling in love, and showing affection to them consistently as a normal human being who wants a healthy relationship. The only time this has not happened, was when I was in my early 20s, still playing the field and treated this guy like crap and he became so smitten with me that he proposed to me! I just saw this quote online that said "Treat them mean, keep them keen." And then I was like oh my god...thats true. Whenever I treat a guy super well, they lose interest in me. Some men have even accused me of being needy or desperate just because I treat them well in the relationship.

What is this phenomenon about? I have outgrown my bratty early 20s phase, so I really hope I don't have to start treating men like a b*tch just to keep them interested. I'm too old for that.  

[basil67]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.    Back when I was dating, it didn't happen with men who were open and available for relationships.  However it did happen when he was just looking for something casual and I wanted more.  

I wonder if you're picking the wrong guys?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

 Some men have even accused me of being needy or desperate just because I treat them well in the relationship.

Ok, you can be nice and intimate etc. and simply maintain good boundaries and adequate space.

[Hpchic]

It seems like it’s either you think you’re acting loving and affectionate but in reality you’re acting clingy and needy.  Or you’re just choosing the wrong guys.

A common complaint amongst most of my exes is that I’m too cold and not affectionate enough, so I get envious of women who can show affection so easily.  Yet I’m drawn to men who are very affectionate.  

Edited February 26, 2021 by Hpchic

[poppyfields]

15 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Whenever I treat a guy super well, they lose interest in me. Some men have even accused me of being needy or desperate just because I treat them well in the relationship.

Would you describe what you mean by "super well"?  What's super well to you might be needy and clingy to them, suffocating.

It's about balance.  

What I have learned (through reading, talking to men, observing my brothers and even my own dad when he was alive AND my boyfriends) is that men (not all but generally speaking, most) need a certain amount of space to fall in love.  They need to miss you, long for you sometimes.  

So you can treat them well, be warm, responsive and affectionate, but be sure to maintain your own life, your own interests, your independence.  Let them move closer to you at their own pace, do not push.  Again, it's about balance.

Also, they want a girlfriend, a lover NOT a mother.  Many women 'mother' their boyfriends. Too mother is too smother.  Too much nurturing, too much '"being there" for them, too much making everything as easy as possible can be become suffocating and eventually they will turn off. 

If they're struggling with an issue, respect and trust them enough to let them work it out on their own.  And don't freak out if that means distancing themselves sometimes.  Just do your own thing.

If you can manage all that, I highly doubt they will lose interest, assuming they had high interest and a strong attraction to you in the first place.

Edited February 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[FMW]

@Hpchic has a good point.  It probably comes down to what you are calling loving and affectionate.

I'm loving and affectionate with my guy, physically meaning holding hands, touching his face, rubbing his back, etc.  I pay attention to what's going on with him and provide help when it's needed and wanted.  He has no reason to doubt my feelings for him.  However I don't want to be in touch with him or next to him 24/7.

Maybe you just haven't found a guy yet that shares your same level of need for togetherness and attention.