agawam25 Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 Hi all, I have a question that might help me better understand and/or cope with the way my GF (10mo) acts when angry or upset. Long story short, she has a tendency to turn her back to me in bed or leave the bed altogether and sleep on the couch, most often with little provocation or because of a misunderstanding. To be frank, I don't always react well and have on occasion come off as needy because I insisted we talk it out right away but I simply don't know how to react and this is the first time in my dating history that I've come across someone like this. It also happen too often for my taste (once a week). These last the night and in the morning she's more approachable and we usually talk out the issue quickly and move on. She's otherwise kind and caring which makes it even more confusing. Any thoughts?
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 Why are you arguing or having disagreements so often? Once a week is not normal. Is this about her having a past she did not confess all the details to you? 1
Author agawam25 Posted February 25, 2021 Author Posted February 25, 2021 I see you might have read my old posts. I broke up with the GF mentioned in those posts a year ago. I also just noticed I said my current GF and I have been together for 10 months - it's 6 months, not 10. I think we argue over what is basically stressful times. We're both in a very stressful line of work, plus the pandemic hasn't been kind to us. She does have a tendency to react to a slightest misunderstanding with anger, which is something I don't necessarily think is healthy.
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 Thank you for clarifying. Indeed it's unhealthy. Some people cannot express a wide variety of emotions like frustration, sadness, upset, vulnerable and always resort to feeling 'anger'. When she gets up and leave instead of asking to speak about it, about you ask her how she feels, is it really anger. Does she run away because she doesn't feel you're hearing her? People will usually run away from a misunderstanding when they feel trapped, they're not being heard or acknowledged. There is also what we call Pent-up anger. If you are both under a lot of stress with no release like sports, then it's pent-up anger, anger that has accumulated and is now released at every little bump in the road. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 53 minutes ago, agawam25 said: Long story short, she has a tendency to turn her back to me in bed or leave the bed altogether and sleep on the couch, most often with little provocation or because of a misunderstanding. That's fine. Let her cool off, process, stew, whatever. She most likely doesn't want sex while she's annoyed at you. 5
divegrl Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 She is triggered. Her body floods with emotions, she goes into fight/flight. And then she shuts down. Is she mindfully aware of these patterns?
Brooke02 Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 Sounds like she shuts down & needs time before she can address it. Not bad but not the best for a relationship either. Have you addressed this with her how she does this? 1
sushiandtacos Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 Sounds like you guys have different styles of communication after an argument. You like to resolve right away while she needs space and time to think about everything before talking things out. 2
dramafreezone Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, agawam25 said: Hi all, I have a question that might help me better understand and/or cope with the way my GF (10mo) acts when angry or upset. Long story short, she has a tendency to turn her back to me in bed or leave the bed altogether and sleep on the couch, most often with little provocation or because of a misunderstanding. To be frank, I don't always react well and have on occasion come off as needy because I insisted we talk it out right away but I simply don't know how to react and this is the first time in my dating history that I've come across someone like this. It also happen too often for my taste (once a week). These last the night and in the morning she's more approachable and we usually talk out the issue quickly and move on. She's otherwise kind and caring which makes it even more confusing. Any thoughts? It's manipulative. Mature people talk out their problems, they don't withdraw. You being needy just exacerbates the problem because she's trying to punish you IMO. You should be the mature one and try to engage in a mature, calm manner when she's upset. If she doesn't want to engage, then she has to come to you. You have to have some dignity because you tried to be the adult. Then tell her that you expect her to communicate effectively or else this isn't going to work. Edited February 26, 2021 by dramafreezone 1 1
poppyfields Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 My dad gave me some excellent advice before he passed. He told me to never go to sleep angry at your partner, which I think is great advice. Perhaps next time this happens, you could suggest this to her? I agree with dramafreeze, it's quite manipulative. I mean I understand she may need to calm down and/or gather thoughts, but to turn herself away from you in bed, or go sleep on the couch, it seems quite intentional. It's also punishing and I think punishing is wrong. At the risk of prying, what are you arguing about, once a week? How exhausting. After only six months in, if me, I would be re-thinking this relationship.
FMW Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) I think arguing on a weekly basis is a bigger issue than having different styles for handling conflict. Are you spending every night together? If so, that might be a bit much for a 6 month relationship when you're both dealing with outside stressors. Her turning her back on you or actually leaving the room may be a big sign that she needs a little more space, maybe too much too soon. Edited February 26, 2021 by FMW 1
MsJayne Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 What are the disagreements about? Are you being unreasonable in any way, like shutting her down when she tries to say her piece? Refusing to speak to you is bad, but not as bad as being so arrogant that your partner can't be bothered wasting their breath trying to get a message across, or browbeating someone until they can't stand even being in the same room as you. Sounds like maybe one of you is doing or saying something that makes the other very angry and is refusing to admit being in the wrong. If you're just bickering over external issues maybe you just aren't compatible.
CollinW Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) This behavior is incredibly emotionally draining over time. Some people don't know how to express a range of emotions, and only feel comfortable being angry when they're uncomfortable and detached instead of working through the issue. I had to deal with this for years. Things that would simply annoy normal people in which they would get over it, or things that may simply be a result of not being on the same page or simple confusion leads to this silent treatment, disrespect, awkwardness and the ruining of experiences, vacations, nights, special occasions, etc. This is dangerous because as humans we can only handle so much of these emotional roller-coasters. Your gas tank of tolerance only becomes emptier and emptier till you get to the point where you have no more patience left and you're ready to leave when you see the slightest emotion from her. I'm at this point and it's not healthy for a long term relationship. Take this from someone who was in your position. I highly recommend you address this with her and if it continues, LEAVE. When she acts like this don't enable it by babying her or trying to be the bigger person. My wife was like this and even though she's much better, I can honestly say that looking back I should have dipped but I was too invested. It's emotional abuse and it leaves scars just like physical abuse would. Edited February 26, 2021 by CollinW
ShyViolet Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 Can you be more specific about what types of things you are arguing about? 1
Miss Spider Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) I’ve done the same things in my relationships ( turn back or just leave) and I can honestly say it’s because I’m a brat sometimes during a fight and it works. Guys don’t like that. It makes them feel bad and they start apologizing and stuff. What, you expect me to be all cutesy Bootsy when you p*** me off? Just telling the truth. Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 Here’s what you can do. You both need to to figure out how to decompress when you get home. Home is supposed to be your sanctuary. It’s where you leave the stress of the day behind, relax, feel happy. What me and my husband do is after work we get our jammy pants on, grab a beer and vent/talk about our day. We just talk, have a few laughs and the tension melts away. We do this every night. so try to do your own way you two can talk/ decompress at the end of your day. Taking a load off is a real thing. 3
amygirl908 Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, Gaeta said: There is also what we call Pent-up anger. If you are both under a lot of stress with no release like sports, then it's pent-up anger, anger that has accumulated and is now released at every little bump in the road. I'd say pent-up anger is why these types of disagreements are happening for frequently. You say in the morning she is more approachable and you talk out the issue and quickly more on... IMO there is something that has been left unresolved. Edited February 26, 2021 by amygirl908
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 The idea that you have these disagreements / misunderstandings once a week is far more troubling then her reaction to them. I am somebody who needs some time apart even if just being in another room to cool off to be able to discuss certain issues. As I've matured the issues that require the alone time have diminished but that came with maturity. You need to focus more on the roots of the disagreements / misunderstandings in an attempt to avoid those triggers if possible rather than forcing her to change her reaction to them. Better she take some time then say things she can't take back & will regret. 2
Versacehottie Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 8 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I’ve done the same things in my relationships ( turn back or just leave) and I can honestly say it’s because I’m a brat sometimes during a fight and it works. Guys don’t like that. It makes them feel bad and they start apologizing and stuff. What, you expect me to be all cutesy Bootsy when you p*** me off? Just telling the truth. lol, this is funny. I know it's not the mature advice the OP is looking for but at least it's an explanation 1
dramafreezone Posted February 27, 2021 Posted February 27, 2021 (edited) On 2/26/2021 at 6:57 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I’ve done the same things in my relationships ( turn back or just leave) and I can honestly say it’s because I’m a brat sometimes during a fight and it works. Guys don’t like that. It makes them feel bad and they start apologizing and stuff. What, you expect me to be all cutesy Bootsy when you p*** me off? Just telling the truth. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. [redacted] It is manipulative, exerting power over the guy. Doesn't work on me anymore. I'll ask her calmly to communicate what's wrong. Even saying "I don't want to talk about it" or "I just need some time to myself" is acceptable. At least you're communicating. If I get silence I'll just leave it at that and she'll have to come to me, or else we just won't talk. Silent treatment is born out of a lack of respect, as in this person that's upset me doesn't deserve my communication. Edited February 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Group berating 1 1
Miss Spider Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, dramafreezone said: It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. [redacted] It is manipulative, exerting power over the guy. Doesn't work on me anymore. I'll ask her calmly to communicate what's wrong. Even saying "I don't want to talk about it" or "I just need some time to myself" is acceptable. At least you're communicating. If I get silence I'll just leave it at that and she'll have to come to me, or else we just won't talk. Silent treatment is born out of a lack of respect, as in this person that's upset me doesn't deserve my communication. I don’t look at it that way. I just thought I’m sending the message that I’m irritated for what they did and I don’t want to be around them right now. Because that’s the truth. It has the added benefit that when you are irked at someone, you might say something that you don’t mean. So it gives you time to cool off as well. I can remember once I did this when one of my ex and I first started dating. He took weekejd gig that paid really well but I hated the people there so refused to go.He texted me all night and I ignored himHe apologized and canceled the next night and told me he knew I was mad from my silence and was sorry he didn’t consult me about it first. Ideally, I would have had a calm discussion about it, but maybe then he would have not got the message I was as pressed as I was. Or I could have gone on off him about it, we got into a fight etc etc . I didn’t want that. So I took path of least resistance. It was easier for me, but got my message across Edited February 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
basil67 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) @Shortskirtslonglashes, that he's your ex is also part of the equation. Being a brat (your words) isn't something which is conducive to maintaining a healthy relationship. Perhaps you didn't respect him and didn't care how you treated him....or he lost respect for you...I can only guess. But I would never in good conscience advise any of our posters to stay with someone who employs bratty techniques to manipulate them. Edited February 28, 2021 by basil67 1
Miss Spider Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) I don’t think I was bring manipulative though, basil. Silence just another way irritation manifests with some people and I didn’t want to talk to him.just like op gf doesn’t wanna cuddle when she’s upset He’s my ex but break up had nothing to do with not respecting him or the incident, he’s a good guy, I just wanted to be single for awhile Edited February 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
SaraSays Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 I, too, am interested to hear what they're arguing about so often, as that's really the problem, as others have said. I don't find ignoring a partner to be reasonable at any point, not even when we know we're going to end the relationship. I've found that hard discusssions are best had when we're moving our bodies a bit, and getting a bit of fresh air. It's absolutely fine, I think, for either to realise they need a little bit of time, before discussing something, but conveyed with a specific timeframe, and the other party has to respect the request for a delay in the discussion, without badgering the other party prior to that: "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and am being flooded with emotions. Do you mind if we discuss this in 1 hour/2 hours/tomorrow, when we can go for a walk together and chat about it?" "It matters to me to be able to fully concentrate on the discussion about this, which I can't do right now, because I am distracted by the phonecall I am waiting on. Do you mind if we discuss this in 1 hour/2 hours/tomorrow, when we can go for a walk together and chat about it?" "I know the agreed hour/2 hours has passed, but I am still being flooded with emotions, and think a bit more time before the discussion would help. Do you mind if we delay the discussion another hour/2 hours/til tomorrow?" 1
basil67 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I don’t think I was bring manipulative though, basil. re-read your sentence below: On 2/27/2021 at 1:57 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I’ve done the same things in my relationships ( turn back or just leave) and I can honestly say it’s because I’m a brat sometimes during a fight and it works. Guys don’t like that. It makes them feel bad and they start apologizing and stuff. What, you expect me to be all cutesy Bootsy when you p*** me off? Just telling the truth. This is pure manipulation. It's not nice or respectful behaviour, but I give you credit for owning it. Even the word 'brat' which you use to describe your own behaviour refers to a child who behaves in a manner (screaming/sulking/shouting) designed to manipulate the parent into giving in. With the ex who organised the gig, you gave him the silent treatment and hey presto, he actually gave up a gig for you! You're right - it works. But let's not pretend that it's not manipulative behaviour. And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do this to someone you respected. Regarding having a bit of time to mull things over, I understand that sometimes we need time out if respectful communication is starting to go south. But the OP's partner is taking this way too far. Solid and respectful relationships require solid and respectful communication skills. All that said, I'd also like to know what's going on that she gets upset weekly. Is she a drama queen or manipulative? Or is the OP's approach that of a bull in a china store? Edited February 28, 2021 by basil67 1
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