I feel awful

[Hulahoop]

Hello 

About 3 years ago I started a new job and a colleague let it be known to me in various ways that he was attracted to me. I wasn’t attracted to him and we were both married so I didn’t think anymore on it. However one day I fell for him and I told him. A sexual relationship started instantly. We were together 4.5 months and planned to leave our partners and be together but because of the stresses of work and the guilt he had a breakdown and ended it. We stayed very good friends. Spoke all day every day. About everything. He knew I loved him and he said he loved me too but had to stay for his children. I hated it but accepted it. A year later we were still very close emotionally. But I was struggling. He was moving on with his life with his wife, going on holidays and buying a new house. I constantly thought about him, needed to know where he was and panicked when he didn’t reply. I couldn’t cope and I snapped. I messaged his wife anonymously. He broke off contact and basically ghosted me. I was distraught and went too far and messaged her family. and they knew it was me. She asked me for every detail which after he ghosted me I gave her. I showed her texts and told her what he had said to me.  I haven’t heard from them since. They have posted a photo together on social media. I am so upset with myself. For telling her and being that person, for losing him as my best friend, and for still caring when what we did was so awful.  I just want to get over him. I want to know he’s picked her, he’s moved on, but I can’t help but say to myself that he thinks about me (although I know realistically he probably doesn’t). I just feel so low. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Hulahoop said:

About 3 years ago I started a new job. we were both married . 

He was moving on with his life with his wife, going on holidays and buying a new house.  I messaged his wife anonymously. She asked me for every detail which after he ghosted me.

Sorry this happened. Do you still work together? Are you still married as well?  Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Talk to trusted friends and family. If you are divorced, consider dating again.

[Hulahoop]

Thank you for your reply. No we don’t still work together although he works nearby. I am still married although it’s more a marriage of convenience at the moment for our children. I devoted myself so much to this man and convinced myself it was over with my husband that I’m finding it hard to get anything of a relationship back with him. He doesn’t know about the affair. 
I could block him but at the moment I miss him. I’m too weak to remove him completely. Which I know is pathetic. I don’t understand how she can forgive him and post photos so quickly. She only found out 5 months ago. 
Only one friend knows about him. She also says I should delete everything. That he was a jerk for promising me everything and then ghosting me. I do feel bad for her but he just kept telling me what I wanted to hear. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Hulahoop said:

 I am still married . He doesn’t know about the affair. 
I could block him but at the moment I miss him. 

Keep in mind his wife could easily contact your husband. Delete and block him and all his people. Distance yourself. 

[Hulahoop]

To be honest I’m surprised she hasn’t and i think that’s partly why I’m angry with myself. She’s kept her dignity and been mature. Whilst I had to run and tell her everything. I hate that he must hate me now. 

[Soul-shards]

Warning: I admit this is just an emotional, judgemental reaction you will be reading here, no cogent, logical argument. Kind of like people who go "Cheating is ALWAYS inherently bad." 

So I will go ahead and say it.

I find it terrible when frustrated AP-s lose it and think that bombing their ap's family with disclosure is a righteous move. Absolutely despicable. If ap-s were so 'righteous' they wouldn't have engaged in an affair t begin with. Yet it's amazing how righteousness suddenly hits them when their frustrations reach a peak. Then it's straight to the ap-s family to bring the good news. 

I do understand you just 'snapped' and not necessarily proceeded based on rationalization of righteousness, but still. Good Lord, how do people do such things? 100 times worse than the original cheating, IMO.

 

[Hulahoop]

I didn’t tell her out of righteousness or because I think she deserved to know. I told her, I think, because I was hoping they would split and he would come to me. I know that’s despicable. I know that to do that makes me an awful person. I just heard what he told me about her and my naivety believed him. I believed he wanted me. Now I know that wasn’t true.  I feel absolutely awful for telling her. I wanted our emotional affair to end as it was becoming so stressful but I shouldn’t have done it that way.  In no means am I proud of myself or am glad that I told her. I wish on anything that I could erase that I did that. 

Edited February 24, 2021 by Hulahoop
Change word

[Soul-shards]

I understand, Hulahoop. OK, my judgy, emotional moment is over, I had to take it off my chest. 

I am sorry you snapped (and also sorry I snapped at you ) - but now you're in a valley. I wish you'd  realized this move was the least effective thing on Earth in terms of splitting them in redirecting him to you. Why ap-s do it is beyond reason. Oh, God Bless...as they say.

Now you have yourself as a wreck to deal with, the bombed city, the sense of loss, the thoughts that this could have had a better ending. 

How you get over it?...Who knows? Maybe other people can counsel you better on this part. Pain is part of the human condition, no short-cuts, in my experience.

I could have only counseled you on the done deal. As in:

DON'T. EVEN. THINK. ABOUT. IT.

DON'T. YOU. DARE.

Too late.

Take care.  

[Hulahoop]

Thank you. 
Don’t worry about your honest opinion. I didn’t expect people to feel sorry for me I just knew I wasn’t strong enough to get out of the ‘friendship’ without something happening. I couldn’t have just ended it. And he wouldn’t have let me. Although he did keep asking me if I wanted to end the friendship if it was too hard for me. I now think he did this as secretly he wanted to end it.  And you are right. I hate that I’ve probably pushed them closer together. 

[deepthinking]

children came first - but nobody just switches off, so do not fret, he thinks of you, that is human nature

Edited February 24, 2021 by deepthinking

[DKT3]

Hopefully you've told your husband about all of this...if not there is a very good chance his wife will.

I have to admit you are refreshing honest about your intentions.  Usually when people in your situation comes here trying to convince us they told for the MM wife's best interest,  when they haven't even told their husband. 

Bottom line is that's all done now, can't change it,  so whats your next step?

[MsJayne]

A bad outcome all 'round. You can bet he thinks of you, every single day, as he faces the ongoing ignominy of being exposed as a guilty fool in front of his family. Meanwhile, your poor husband has no idea of how appallingly he's been treated.  My guess is that your AP's marriage will break down eventually anyway,  preferably without any input from third parties, but it's highly unlikely that he will come looking for you. The main thing I get from your post is that you think you love this guy, but what you've described is just plain old emotional dependence and possessiveness, and your reaction to being cast aside makes that really obvious. You lost your security blanket and you flipped. You have to accept that it wasn't yours in the first place, and never was, and instead focus on what's missing in your marriage/life that made you transfer your emotional needs on to an unavailable person.  

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Hulahoop said:

I don’t understand how she can forgive him and post photos so quickly.

Respectfully, you don’t know what’s happening in their marriage. It’s not your place to know.

You are making an assumption here that may or may not be true. When my friend cheated and divorced her husband, he posted photos online of family adventures with their children. To anyone who didn’t know what was actually happening in their home, they would have looked like the most loving family.

One thing is clear, you need to stop monitoring their social media. It’s going to be hard for you to sort your own life if you continue to focus in this way on your affair partner. 

Edited February 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[LynneVicious]

38 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

A bad outcome all 'round. You can bet he thinks of you, every single day, as he faces the ongoing ignominy of being exposed as a guilty fool in front of his family. Meanwhile, your poor husband has no idea of how appallingly he's been treated.  My guess is that your AP's marriage will break down eventually anyway,  preferably without any input from third parties, but it's highly unlikely that he will come looking for you. The main thing I get from your post is that you think you love this guy, but what you've described is just plain old emotional dependence and possessiveness, and your reaction to being cast aside makes that really obvious. You lost your security blanket and you flipped. You have to accept that it wasn't yours in the first place, and never was, and instead focus on what's missing in your marriage/life that made you transfer your emotional needs on to an unavailable person.  

It doesn’t get any better or more truer than this. Perfectly said. 
 

Op, now is the time to forgive yourself, forgive him and start healing. Your husband deserves to know. There’s no chance to recover your marriage if you don’t. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Hulahoop said:

I want to know he’s picked her, he’s moved on, but I can’t help but say to myself that he thinks about me (although I know realistically he probably doesn’t). I just feel so low. 

 I'm sure he thinks of you, but you betrayed the implicit bargain of the affair by telling his wife without his agreement on the matter. So, ironic as that might sound to some, his trust for you is gone. You attempted to "blow up his life" when he didn't want that. If they are still together after that, then yes, he's picked her. He'd actually already picked her, and your non-acceptance of that is what prompted your action.

 

4 hours ago, Hulahoop said:

I  don’t understand how she can forgive him and post photos so quickly. She only found out 5 months ago. 
Only one friend knows about him. She also says I should delete everything. That he was a jerk for promising me everything and then ghosting me. I do feel bad for her but he just kept telling me what I wanted to hear. 

 Many women will do, put up with, and indeed forgive a whole lot of stuff, at least temporarily if not permanently in order to keep their families together and keep their "status" as a married woman. Not all, but many will. There are plenty of "look the other way" arrangements out there. Sometimes it's the man looking the other way too/instead.

 

4 hours ago, Hulahoop said:

  I just want to get over him.

This mostly takes time. It will probably take a lot longer than you like, but it eventually happens for the vast majority. Like an old BF/GF, they become a part of your past. "Closure" eventually comes from within, external "closure" just helps speed the process along by "formalizing"/mutually acknowledging the end and in some cases resolving some lingering questions. Eventually you get to a place where it's no longer that important to you.

Edited February 25, 2021 by mark clemson

[Soul-shards]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

 You have to accept that it wasn't yours in the first place, and never was, and instead focus on what's missing in your marriage/life that made you transfer your emotional needs on to an unavailable person.  

I am not sure to what extent this applies to the OP,  but I hear this line of advice a lot: start trying to figure out what is missing your marriage/life.

Did you know what was missing, I feel awful?

Are AP-s really that clueless, unaware, and completely devoid of introspective abilities to NOT already know what is missing? 

I wonder what % of AP-s step into the affair unaware of the deficiency in their marriage or themselves, which is causing them to proceed.

You would think most people know very well, deep down, why this is happening. The marriage usually lacks something and if they are honest with themselves, they know what that is. Some of these reasons are not easily fixable or they are pure irreconcilable difference, which the AP knows, more or less intuitively, or intellectually or both.

Otherwise, the problem would have been addressed long time ago.

[DKT3]

More often then not the cheater is the problem. 

No one wants to be the villain in their story so they blame marriage,  spouses,  parents, weather, and anything else that isn't them.

What is almost always a prerequisites is a history of selfish behavior,  affairs are usually the apex of continued behavior.  Of course the cheater won't recognize this simply because they refuse to truly see themselves as who they are, instead opting for a slanted view where they are the wronged party. Thus problem with the marriage,  parents,  dogs or whatever else that isn't them.

[MsJayne]

55 minutes ago, Soul-shards said:

Are AP-s really that clueless, unaware, and completely devoid of introspective abilities to NOT already know what is missing? 

 

Yes, I think they often are unaware of what the true motivation is. I will only use one example - a guy I knew who'd had numerous affairs during his marriage told me his reason was that his wife had switched off the sex years earlier and he felt justified. I knew him very well, and I concluded that the real motivation was that he, underneath his affirmations that he still loved his wife but that he had needs, was actually so angry at his wife, so filled with toxic resentment towards her, that his actions were ultimately intended to deeply wound her , (which they did when she eventually found out - a situation which I believe he engineered). I tried to discuss that with him once, and he absolutely would not have it that his behaviour was really about revenge rather than mere sexual gratification, but to me it was glaringly obvious. Of course, there's always the people who are just wired that way, they're narcissistic and have such an insatiable need for attention and admiration that one partner can't possibly fill that need, but I think the number of AP's who are actually punishing their spouse for either real or perceived inadequacies would be quite high, and a lot of them would not realise, or admit, that revenge is their base motivation. 

[CalipsoRose]

I think you should feel awful. Thats your brain having some sense of clarity about what you actually did. And having a healthy remorse for what you did, shows growth. At least you're not one of those people who can cheat and sleep easy at night with zero self reflection. Cheating is terrible, especially when theres a family involved. You mentioned she has "dignity"...actually, it sounds like shes conflict avoidant. There is nothing "dignified" about staying with a cheating spouse. This is just as much his fault as it is yours. I feel sorry for your husband because you're not mentioning him at all and dont seem to really care about how this may have affected him and your marriage or how he would feel if he ever found out. Hopefully you will learn from this experience and not do it again. 

To anyone who may say I'm being too harsh, no, I'm not. Coddling cheating spouses and sympathizing with people who do these things are why so many kids end up in broken households. Me being one of them. So yeah, its gonna hurt. Dont stick your hand in the fire again.

[Hulahoop]

Thank you all for your replies. 
I haven’t mentioned my husband because we aren’t together that way. I haven’t told him because I still don’t want to hurt him but we are married for our children and he knows this. He’s a nice man, a hard worker, but I asked him  over and over again many years ago for help within our marriage which I never got. I knew something was lacking but I honestly did not think I would have affair with this man. I didn’t even find him attractive. But stupidly, our friendship got closer and I did fall for him. My husband, and I mean this is the nicest way, wouldn’t be able to start again, of course he would if he had to, but he doesn’t have that motivation or common sense about him. If I told him it would be the children who ended up hurt. I tried to keep the marriage going before the affair but my husband just didn’t feel he needed to do anything. Something that he admits now he should have done. I’m not excusing my behaviour. I shouldn’t have done it. And I certainly shouldn’t have told APs wife but I guess I needed out of the situation and in my devastated, uncontrollable mind I thought having a drop like that would end it. Or at least end them.  One day my husband and I will end the marriage but for now we are staying together for the children. 
I think (I know) part of me is still hoping he comes back, which is why I can’t delete him from my phone. He has no social media anymore as his wife deleted everything. I know that’s totally irrational and I need to get over it. Like you said he was never mine to begin with. 

[Hulahoop]

Thank you all for your replies. I didn’t set out to have an affair. It wasn’t even the sex. This man was just so nice to me. He helped me in ways that my husband never has even after me asking for it.  Many things happened in my marriage when I asked for help and didn’t receive it. I tried and tried to keep the marriage going getting nothing from his side. I suggested counselling but he immediately shot it down.  My AP did and said all the right things. I feel like he lured me in. Made me feel special, wanted. Made my children feel special and looked after, not physically but more so than my husband did and he is here physically. I know this was probably all false but he told me he wanted to be there for them, that he loved them too.  Again I’m not excusing the affair but my marriage was/is lacking and although I didn’t look for an affair, he made me feel like someone would be there for me. How wrong was I. (I know AP’s wife thought that too) ugh. It’s all just so wrong. I was completely just in my own bubble with him. Looking back at it I can’t believe I was so naive.

Edited February 25, 2021 by Hulahoop
Take out paragraph

[DKT3]

46 minutes ago, Hulahoop said:

Thank you all for your replies. 
I haven’t mentioned my husband because we aren’t together that way. I haven’t told him because I still don’t want to hurt him but we are married for our children and he knows this. He’s a nice man, a hard worker, but I asked him  over and over again many years ago for help within our marriage which I never got. I knew something was lacking but I honestly did not think I would have affair with this man. I didn’t even find him attractive. But stupidly, our friendship got closer and I did fall for him. My husband, and I mean this is the nicest way, wouldn’t be able to start again, of course he would if he had to, but he doesn’t have that motivation or common sense about him. If I told him it would be the children who ended up hurt. I tried to keep the marriage going before the affair but my husband just didn’t feel he needed to do anything. Something that he admits now he should have done. I’m not excusing my behaviour. I shouldn’t have done it. And I certainly shouldn’t have told APs wife but I guess I needed out of the situation and in my devastated, uncontrollable mind I thought having a drop like that would end it. Or at least end them.  One day my husband and I will end the marriage but for now we are staying together for the children. 
I think (I know) part of me is still hoping he comes back, which is why I can’t delete him from my phone. He has no social media anymore as his wife deleted everything. I know that’s totally irrational and I need to get over it. Like you said he was never mine to begin with. 

I'm going to call you on this....so what happens with the kids if your plan had worked and mm would have left his wife.

There is very little logic in what you are saying.  

[Hulahoop]

In our heads (probably just mine) we had convinced ourselves that the children would be happier in a loving environment. Although I don’t argue with my husband it’s not loving. My children are happy but don’t see a loving relationship. It’s very formal almost. I had told myself that being with AP would give them the chance to see what a marriage should be like. And that having him there and his support would benefit them. His children were always planned in our lives too and we had discussed which days they would stay with us etc. Yes writing this sounds so pathetic as no one knows what will happen in a divorce but having never had an affair or expecting too I didn’t have any preconceptions. I’m making myself sound so pathetic and I get that. But to me, I had found the person I was meant to be with (as he was also telling me) and ultimately our children would be happier for it. He said he read many articles about children being happier and also believed they would be.  When he ended the physical relationship, he had tried to leave but his children were so upset he couldn’t. I think reality came down then. To be honest I was stupid, very stupid. But honestly believed all the children (after the initial shock and upset) would be happier. 

[DKT3]

So you believe your kids would be happy living with the guy who broke up thier family?

My point is, you can't say I'm staying married for the kids when in reality you are staying married because you were rejected and are probably scared to be alone. Even you have to realize how unfair it is for your husband. 

If you would leave for another man,  you just need to leave.

Your movement and actions are extremely selfish. If you were willing to tell your husband to run off with another man,  you owe it to him to tell him now. If you don't have that kind of marriage and he knows it, how upset could he be.

[elaine567]

I don't really blame the OP for her thinking process here.
Stuck in unfulfilling marriage with no happy ending in sight, just more of the same to look forward to, with a spouse unwilling or unable to change or make it better, and an escape route presents itself... who wouldn't want to take it? It was the perfect solution.
This unfortunately is the scenario behind the scenes in many affairs. Women (usually) see a better life for themselves and their kids elsewhere with a more understanding more compatible man.
BUT the fly in the ointment is that man.
He is in an affair not to escape his marriage but often to make his marriage more bearable.
A little more excitement, more sex, more affection, more "love" even.  What's not to like?
The OP didn't know or ignored the fact that men in affairs rarely leave for their OW, they have too much to lose usually and are unwilling to give it up for "love" or sex or a bit more "understanding". They learn they can get all that without the need to leave and blow up their marriage.

Edited February 25, 2021 by elaine567
Typo