Hot Coco thread

[Hot Coco]

I'm new here so I don't know how things work but...I posted a final comment of mine on the "Hot Coco" thread started by Megabit but the whole thread seems to have disappeared. What happened to it?

 

Anyway, I'm posting for a second time, my final comments below for anyone who is interested. It was important for me to put this out there in order to give closure to this little matter. I mean I WAS the target here. This is what I posted:

 

Thank you so much choices. That means a lot to me. I'm really not here to bash anyone. I was beginning to wonder if new people (which I am) just weren't welcome. I thought of looking for another site. But for some reason, it was really bothering me that I was thought of in the way you all described. I was going to ignore this thread which I felt was a little bit goading (sp?). I felt like it was put there to intimidate me and to provoke me.

 

But I decided to jump in and not run away. I stand by the things I've said. But I've also learned to expand my viewpoints a bit.

 

And maybe I DO come across as kind of "in your face" but that's me. That's the way I am in real life too! (H doesn't always appreciate that in me!

 

And just as you all don't like to be judged for who you are, I don't like to be judged for who I am (an in your face kind of gal!) But like I said that's me. Should I change my style, to suit people who don't like it even though I don't feel I was mean to anyone? No.

 

Should you have to constantly apologize for the mistakes you've made and defend your character? No.

 

I'm so glad I did have the guts to jump into this forum. I thought once I entered, that it was going to be like being pushed into a cauldron of hot boiling water. (By the way, what ever happened to the original provoker... er I man poster anyway?)

 

Who knew that we'd all come out of this with a lesson in tolerance?

[curly]

I didn't think you were bashing or "in my face." I just wanted to make some comments about how it is so truly easy sometimes to fall into this OW/MM thing when u don't know that he's married at first. Then once you buy in, then find out, you're hooked. The getting out should be easy but it's not. I can't really explain it except to say that you gotta live it to understand.

 

I will agree to disagree with you and think that's fine. I do value your opinion and have appreciated your advice. Hope you don't leave. Just have some tolerance for us. We've already been through the wringer from someone we love. Hard to not think we're being attacked when someone who was "smart enough" or had more willpower than us gives advice.

 

I think we're all so bruised and beaten that we come out fighting.

[Hot Coco]

If you didn't know he was married at first that's different. I've expressed my opinion on this. It's the ones who knew and did it anyway and don't have an ounce of remorse over it that I have the problem with.

 

I'm tolerant to a point. Just like we ALL are. No one is tolerant of ALL people ALL of the time.

 

I understand your point about your emotions and being kind of defensive. But I don't think it's right to "come out fighting" with someone who isn't even an adversary.

 

But I do get what you're saying. Emotions are raw and anything that even hints or smacks of criticism sets people off...justified or not.

 

That's a good point.

[megabit15]

Hey Coco - I went out with some friends, so sorry I did not get to see your reply. Thanks for taking the time to repost the apparently deleted thread.

I honestly wasn't trying to provoke you I'm sorry if I came across that way.

I actually wanted to know why you were so interested in this topic.

What's your story? (non sarcastic, sincere question)

[Hot Coco]

Well, Mega you missed the whole thread. It got interesting to say the least! But I think we all came to an understanding.

 

Anyway, I did say that although I don't have exactly the same experience as all of you, I am here for a reason. It's a little out of my comfort zone to go into it at this point but it's related to the OW issues.

 

I really don't want to rehash everything that was discussed in the thread you started. Wish you had seen it. I also wish I knew why it was deleted!?!?

 

As far as you saying that you didn't post that thread to provoke me...well, I guess we've ALL been guilty of being a tad too defensive. Me included.

 

Thanks for letting me know that Mega. I appreciate that.

[megabit15]

Well, Mega you missed the whole thread. It got interesting to say the least! But I think we all came to an understanding.

Well, I'm glad y'all came to an understanding.

 

Anyway, I did say that although I don't have exactly the same experience as all of you, I am here for a reason. It's a little out of my comfort zone to go into it at this point but it's related to the OW issues.

The cool thing about this forum is that in general we mutually talk about our experiences to learn from each other, ease the isolation and hurt, and to support and encourage each other. I could clearly see your pain (anger). I was hoping you'd share with us since we were all kinda pouring our hearts out here. But I can respect your desire for privacy. Sorry you are having troubles - I hope it works out.

 

As far as you saying that you didn't post that thread to provoke me...well, I guess we've ALL been guilty of being a tad too defensive. Me included.

Naawww, that's never happened to meeee.. Apparently I could've made my motive more clear from the start.

 

Thanks for letting me know that Mega. I appreciate that.

You're welcome. Glad we could clear it up. Thanks for reposting efforts - couldn't have happened without that.

[newbby]

i dont think there are many of us who dont feel remourse. thats why people get defensive. they feel bad anyway for getting into the situation or being stuck in the situation, and then they have broken hearts on top of that. there are a whole lot of emotions to deal with and they usually get attacked on top of it. you kind of want people to understand its not so black and white as it appears. still, that is why this forum exists, because the only people likely to understand are people who have been there and we can all support each other. you may like to note though, that the advice the ow give each other is usually, get out of the relationship.

[Hot Coco]

Thanks guys for your thoughtful responses!

 

Mega, you said you could "clearly see" my hurt and anger. Maybe so but it's more like embarassment, shame and guilt. I guess that's why I'm not really ready to get into it.

 

Fd'up on NC last night. SH-T! I should have bared it all with you guys last night and maybe I wouldn't have caved. Have to start all over again now.

 

I will say that my story is kind of similar to Sammi's. Are you married Sammi? If not, then you're better than me! I think some of your comments on your post this morning (if you are even going to see this) were aimed at me. I guess I'm so mad at myself that I see myself in you and my feelings for myself spill out into my posts towards you.

 

The other part of why maybe I'm not ready to talk about it is that in my situation, like Sammi's it never got physical. So I thought it wouldn't be taken as seriously. It was VERY MUCH an EA.

 

 

Newbby, good points but it seemed to me that some OW didn't really feel remorse. The only remorse they felt was a selfish kind of remorse for themselves. Not for what they've done to others. I guess that kind of bugs me. Because my biggest guilt is over the betrayal to H (even though he never found out.)

 

Well, I guess you're all beginning to get the picture here now. See, I'm NOT perfect and you can all judge me and whip me with that guilty stick all you want..you couldn't possibly beat me up over this more than I have!

[megabit15]

Thanks guys for your thoughtful responses!

 

Mega, you said you could "clearly see" my hurt and anger. Maybe so but it's more like embarassment, shame and guilt. I guess that's why I'm not really ready to get into it.

 

Fd'up on NC last night. SH-T! I should have bared it all with you guys last night and maybe I wouldn't have caved. Have to start all over again now.

 

I will say that my story is kind of similar to Sammi's. Are you married Sammi? If not, then you're better than me! I think some of your comments on your post this morning (if you are even going to see this) were aimed at me. I guess I'm so mad at myself that I see myself in you and my feelings for myself spill out into my posts towards you.

 

The other part of why maybe I'm not ready to talk about it is that in my situation, like Sammi's it never got physical. So I thought it wouldn't be taken as seriously. It was VERY MUCH an EA.

 

Newbby, good points but it seemed to me that some OW didn't really feel remorse. The only remorse they felt was a selfish kind of remorse for themselves. Not for what they've done to others. I guess that kind of bugs me. Because my biggest guilt is over the betrayal to H (even though he never found out.)

 

Well, I guess you're all beginning to get the picture here now. See, I'm NOT perfect and you can all judge me and whip me with that guilty stick all you want..you couldn't possibly beat me up over this more than I have!

 

We're definately not here to beat anyone with a guilty stick!! That's for Laura Schlessinger to do.

 

Mz. Pixie has some really really good insight into a lot of this stuff - she's been there done that and now happily married again. She's my new role model! Anyway, she has repeatedly recommended two books "His Needs, Her Needs - Building An Affair Proof Marriage" by Willard F. Harley and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I finally bought them last night because I am in a really nice relationship now, and the thought of ever having to go through pain like we've all had just scares the crap out of me! So, I'll be reading them as a preventative measure. The Willard Harley book is incredibly insightful so far. I'm not done with it (cause I can't seem to get off this website long enough to read it!) but from what I've read so far - wow. I highly recommend it. Another helpful forum on constructively repairing a marriage is on divorcebusters.com. These are all solution oriented with a gentle, compassionate wisdom. Sometimes I go there just to see what not to do!

 

Well, I'm off to the reading room....

[Sami_D]

.

 

I will say that my story is kind of similar to Sammi's. Are you married Sammi? If not, then you're better than me! I think some of your comments on your post this morning (if you are even going to see this) were aimed at me. I guess I'm so mad at myself that I see myself in you and my feelings for myself spill out into my posts towards you.

 

The other part of why maybe I'm not ready to talk about it is that in my situation, like Sammi's it never got physical. So I thought it wouldn't be taken as seriously. It was VERY MUCH an EA.

 

Hello Hot Coco. No, I'm not married and never have been. Never found the right one for me. I have just about given up on love, because somehow I seem to have everything wrong every time I try it.

 

No, my comments weren't aimed at you in particular. I think there's a kind of atmosphere on this forum of simmering antagonism to the OW. I can't say I blame anyone for that, but I do think it's something that is counter-productive to the help that we here need. What confuses me is that people talk about there being too much leniency given to the OW, when in fact, there's little or nothing of that given at all. We made mistakes, we are paying for them (OH HOW we are paying for them). Where is the need to heap more guilt and blame? I just don't know.

 

Lastly, my relationship did get physical. I don't want to come off like some kind of MM virgin or something.

[Hot Coco]

Sammi you said in your other post:

 

"But to be honest, this was never a physical affair, it was all Emotion, support, common interests in life."

 

That led me to believe it wasn't physical but I guess you meant it was primarily and Emotional Affair. Am I right? In my opinion, that's a tougher one to walk away from than if it were a purely physical one.

 

So we're basically all dealing with the same thing here (if emotions were involved) whether there was a physical component to the relationship or not.

 

Mega, thanks so much for the advice on the repairing a marriage sites but here's where the really embarassing part comes in to play. There's not a thing wrong with my marriage! I wasn't looking to start anything up but when it started happening I went with it because it WAS exciting. H and I have been together 11 years (married 10). We have an active and great sex life. We get along really well. He's the love of my love, who by the way Sammi and others, I met him when I hadn't totally given up. I think when you meet your love...when you've all but given up and aren't even "looking."

 

So anyway that makes it even WORSE that I got swept up into this situation because I honestly DO have a good marriage.

 

I've never done anything like this before. Neither one of us (H & I) has ever cheated. This was completely out of character for me.

 

Anyway, I also wanted to address something Sammi said about the kids and that you didn't see why he couldn't still be devoted without being married. He can, but my hunch is he doesn't want to break up the family. Maybe he doesn't care about the marriage so much but when you marry and have kids you DO become a family and I think he doesn't want to break that up.

 

By the way, that MM virgin joke was funny! Is that what I am?

 

As far as "heaping on the guilt and blame," I never meant to do that but like I've said guilt and blame is good for us so that we never repeat our mistakes. But I do realize you don't want to hear it from others when we're already doing that to ourselves (well most of us are.)

[sunflower1008]

There's not a thing wrong with my marriage! I wasn't looking to start anything up but when it started happening I went with it because it WAS exciting. H and I have been together 11 years (married 10). We have an active and great sex life. We get along really well.

 

 

Hot Coco, I hear you and I am in the same situation as you. Or WAS. I have a great marriage and a great husband, and I too was not looking to start something up....but it happened....just like you. I know exactly how you are feeling...you are not alone, remember that. And that's why we're both here (to get some comfort and make sense of the situation). I never thought in a million years I would ever do this...it's so out of character for me too.

 

My husband and I get along very well also. And I didn't expect anything to start up with a MM (I think I got swept away by the excitement) and no, I've never done anything like this before so I know exactly where you're coming from.

 

How long has this EA been going on with you? I really don't want to pry, but is sure sounds like my situation. My affair did become physical but the emotional extent of it really lingers (I think that is harder than the physical aspect of it).

 

It seems like you are trying to do NC and thats a good thing. I don't know you're whole story (and I'm not pushing) but I am in NC also, and some days are better than others. I think it's the best thing overall, but it's still hard. Remember Hot Coco, even though we got ourselves into this and we knew better, it doesn't make us an evil people. That's why I like LS....people here really try to help and understand the OW's viewpoints.

 

I think I'll join you with being a MM virgin! lol

[Hot Coco]

Sunflower, it started a year ago...last October. What about you? Did your H find out? Mine has suspected...knew I was touch with OM but never really knew. I knew I was playing with fire. I ended it last Monday but slipped up yesterday and sent an email. How long have you been NC?

 

Next time I'm going to post on here instead of slipping up my NC.

 

Why do you think you did it? I'm curious because usually people say they're not fulfilled with their marriage, etc. But it sounds like you have a good marriage too.

 

I don't really know why I did it. I think I crave excitement...wanted that rush. I mean when you're married this long, you can't expect to still have that rush of feelings. It's a more secure and happy feeling but not that rush.

[curly]

For what that's worth... lol...

 

I've been married and was divorced pretty quickly. xH & I have since been back & forth with reconciliation for 4 years (about 4 yrs after the D). I've recently (past month) ended it with xH for good (I hope).

 

But I do know what it's like to find someone else that makes your heart go pitter patter. Unfortunately, that other person wound up to be a MM. I'm also in NC with MM, his request which makes it very difficult.

 

Anyway, i think it's only natural to be attracted to an exciting situation. Why do we go to amusement parks, horror & action movies, read trashy romance novels? To get that rush back. Some people do it with other people, some people do drugs. We're all looking for a little drama in our otherwise humdrum lives.

 

But here's a thought... maybe spice up things with your H? Flirt with him again. Change a little something in your sex routine. Come on to him. Look deep into his eyes when he talks. Pinch his butt and wink at him and whisper something sexy like I can't wait to get you into my bed. All the things we did for our MM's. That's what they liked about us. We wanted him, we waited for his call, were breathless when we made love, etc.

 

I think men are really pretty simple. They like to chase and then they like to be chased. They want to feel like they are the best in the world, the best provider, the best husband, best father, best lover, etc. It's their egos. They need to be stroked a lot. Simple creatures that they are, but we adore them anyway. We just need to remember that. And not dwell on the bad stuff if we're going to stay with them. If not, find another.

[Hot Coco]

Ok, good points Curly but they don't apply to me. I'll tell you why. This is what makes this even more difficult for me to break off (even though I am.) During the last year than I've been having this EA, I've NEVER had physical contact with OM/MM. Only online and maybe 5 phones calls during the last year.

 

Maybe because of sexual frustration, maybe because of guilt, maybe both..not sure but our sex life has never been better! Well, not since the early days anyway. He used to complain that I never initiated sex and this past year it's been me who's been doing 90% of the initiating. The steamy talk with OM got me so "juiced up" and ready to go that H didn't know what hit him. The frequency went WAY up. Tried new things, etc. And he did start to get really suspicious. But I never told him the truth. I couldn't.

 

Now, I'm worried that because I broke it off with OM, sex won't be as exciting. SH_T, why did I need that??!!! A flaw in my character I guess.

 

This is what made it go on for a year...I justified it saying that it has actually made my good marriage even BETTER...but then the emotions starting getting deeper. Real feelings were involved. This was someone I knew 25 years ago. The second man I'd ever been with. We were friends and roomates back then...so we had a little bit of history together. I guess the sex chat didn't bother me as much as the emotions and feelings that we started developing for each other.

 

It's so hard to have daily contact for one year and then go cold turkey in stopping this.

 

So anyway, all good advice curly and I'm going to continue doing all those things just as I have been but I fear that the "spark" will be lost since I stopped the EA that was igniting my passion. Yes, H sparks my passion but it's just different.

[sunflower1008]

This is what made it go on for a year...I justified it saying that it has actually made my good marriage even BETTER...but then the emotions starting getting deeper. Real feelings were involved.

 

Hot Coco - I'm glad you're able to talk about it here. I know I'm glad you're here! Sounds like we're going through a lot of the same thing.

 

You're quote up there is exactly how I felt also. It added to my marriage, instead of took away from it (which is weird, if you think of it). I was more excited with my husband, more "into it" if you will. It was like a high for me, and I loved it....I loved the attention.

 

My affair started last October too! It was not physical for 4 months (just because I didn't want to jump into that) and when it became physical, it wasn't just "all about that". It was more an EA than a physical one and it got very overwhelming for him. I was not as unhappy as he was, and that was hard.

 

No, my husband still doesn't know and I hope he never does. Some things should remain secret because I don't ever want to hurt him. However, someone called the MM's wife and that's where I am now. He told me he got kicked out, but I am still married with my husband and don't intend to leave (I have kids too). We decided to go NC and it was good for 2 weeks, till he called me last week. Not to try to see me....I think just to say hi. So I'm on NC again, but that call set me back. That was hard hearing his voice. So I know what you're going through with sending that email. It's SO hard, but give yourself a break. Did he respond to the email? What was the final outcome?

 

I think I did it because of the same reason you did....the rush, the excitement, the feeling of "dating" again and getting butterflies, of getting ready for a "date" when I was going to see him. I loved it all, as did you. I liked being able to tell him everything and being open to him, and he liked that too (since he couldn't be with his wife). I felt like a giddy girl again. It didn't mean I loved my husband LESS...it meant that I had deep feelings for another man (which is hard to understand...but I think you do).

 

Does my feelings make it right? No, not at all. I feel terrible I did this to my great husband, but I'm trying to make it right. I'm trying NC, although my feelings are still there. I'm also re-evaluating the whole situation and the bottom line is......if I ever did end up with him....could I fully trust him? The answer would be no. And that is where I have to keep my mind, so I don't contact him. Do I want to contact him? Of course I do...but I'm gonna try with all my might not to.

 

Sorry this is so long. I feel for you since I'm going through the same thing. Hang in the Hot Coco...we'll be ok. We'll do NC together.

[Hot Coco]

Sunflower here are excerpts from his email back to me from Sat. night. My email basically said how guilty I felt, and that this whole thing has been an illusion and a fantasy. How much this hurts now. Neither one of us would EVER physically cheat on our spouses or leave our marriages. So we may as well stop this now. And I said goodbye AGAIN! Here's some of what he wrote back. I did not respond and don't intend to:

 

"I’ve been feeling your pain, feeling it in the pit of my stomach and in the deepest place in my heart"

 

Selfish…yeah I guess I am. I want it all with you, and considering our circumstances, that couldn’t be more selfish. I love you C, simply and honestly, but love has a way of making people selfish."

 

"Farewell my sweet goddess. Until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."

 

Intoxicating words. Let's face it...our husbands don't call us "sweet goddesses" right? Not that they don't love us...but you addicted to this Sh-t!

 

Just got through watching Desperate Housewife and was thinking that I feel like a desperate housewife! Ha!

 

You said: It didn't mean I loved my husband LESS...it meant that I had deep feelings for another man (which is hard to understand...but I think you do).

 

Yes I do Sun. I know exactly how you feel. But I won't to pour all those feelings into my H. It's just not worth the guilt OR the fear that we'll be found out. We have a child together too and it's not worth the risk of breaking up our family. It's just not worth it. So yes, I'll do NC with you. It was last Monday that I wrote him telling him of my decision. And I've only had one contact with him since (the email on Sat.) I'm not responding to his email back to me like I said so I'm back on NC.

 

When did you last speak to MM? Have you officially ended it with him? Maybe we should somehow exchange emails and contact each other directly when we're tempted?

 

I don't have PM capabilites yet. Not sure when they grant you that option on here.

 

Well, hang in there and don't contact him! We can do this!

[Hot Coco]

Wanted to add something. I think you guys will get a chuckle out of this. One of the reasons I went on NC apart from all the obvious ones and the ones I stated is because I'm really tired of "hiding." Closing my laptop every time H walks in, fearful of what he may stumble on when he's on it, wondering if I shut off messenger program, etc. Trying to type "quietly" so H wouldn't ask me who I was "talking to." That was such a huge stress. So when I decided to stop this a week ago, I kind felt like a huge weight was lifted and that I don't have to listen for H's footsteps or close computer, etc.

 

But what's so funny is I'm back to doing all that because now that I've opened up about all of this here, I'm back to having to hide again. He asked to use my laptop earlier and I had to tell him to hold on a minute (so I could close LS)...Oh, the tangles web we weave! Well, at least this is a healthier, less destructive addiction than what I was doing!

 

Just thought you'd all get a kick out of that.

[sunflower1008]

"I’ve been feeling your pain, feeling it in the pit of my stomach and in the deepest place in my heart"

 

Selfish…yeah I guess I am. I want it all with you, and considering our circumstances, that couldn’t be more selfish. I love you C, simply and honestly, but love has a way of making people selfish."

 

"Farewell my sweet goddess. Until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."

 

Intoxicating words. Let's face it...our husbands don't call us "sweet goddesses" right? Not that they don't love us...but you addicted to this Sh-t!

 

 

Wow...those are powerful words Hot Coco! My MM used to express himself somewhat like that also (nothing I ever got from my husband). And that's another reason I fell for him. What lady wouldn't love that? I fully believed him too and still do...it's just that this is not worth breaking up my family and children with. It's worth breaking MY heart, but not other people's. I couldn't imagine NOT tucking my kids in, not seeing how their day is going...especially when I don't have it bad here at all. I think you understand where I'm coming from. Conflicting emotions?? Dam, it's tough.

 

I read your excerpts and it sounds like you two have said goodbye (again, as you say...how many times have you tried this?). How long was the last try at NC (before you sent the email)? Do you think he'll contact you...is that his usual pattern?

 

My MM called me on Thursday, so I have been on NC for 3 days (before that it was 2 weeks). I was proud of myself for going 2 weeks, but when I heard his voice, that was a tough day. No, we haven't said goodbye, and I don't know if we should or not. I always thought I needed closure, but I'm getting strong enough to just not call and try to walk away...but, man it's hard.

 

I try to think of it this way Hot Coco - THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW. That's in the past, and it's time to move on. I'm here for you and let's try to exchange emails...I think that will help and give each other a shoulder if we need it. I opened up a new one on Yahoo so no one knows me (lightglowabove) (how's that for a funny name?? lol) so feel free to write me if you need to.

 

Yes, got a kick out of your admission. I know what you mean. I went through the same thing (so did my MM) and we really don't email or IM anymore and I had to get used to that but I'm ok with it now. It really was a relief to not have to worry about it. My H knows about LS...but not that I'm on it (a tangled web is right!).

 

Baby steps Hot Coco...baby steps and we'll be ok. We'll be ok...one day at a time.

[newbby]

hot coco,

there is some reason why men who are married can be so much more charming and intoxicating with their words. it leads us to feel that we have never been so loved so adored and it is addictive. was just wondering, you said he talks to you in ways that your husband just doesnt. are there ways that you speak to him that you dont speak to your husband? was wondering about beginning transferring the way you are with him to your husband and seeing if that rekindles the spark. also starting a new and exciting project such as learning something new and different. a new study etc can bring much excitement into your life.

[megabit15]

Wow...those are powerful words Hot Coco! My MM used to express himself somewhat like that also (nothing I ever got from my husband). And that's another reason I fell for him. What lady wouldn't love that? I fully believed him too and still do...it's just that this is not worth breaking up my family and children with. It's worth breaking MY heart, but not other people's. I couldn't imagine NOT tucking my kids in, not seeing how their day is going...especially when I don't have it bad here at all. I think you understand where I'm coming from. Conflicting emotions?? Dam, it's tough.

 

I read your excerpts and it sounds like you two have said goodbye (again, as you say...how many times have you tried this?). How long was the last try at NC (before you sent the email)? Do you think he'll contact you...is that his usual pattern?

 

My MM called me on Thursday, so I have been on NC for 3 days (before that it was 2 weeks). I was proud of myself for going 2 weeks, but when I heard his voice, that was a tough day. No, we haven't said goodbye, and I don't know if we should or not. I always thought I needed closure, but I'm getting strong enough to just not call and try to walk away...but, man it's hard.

 

I try to think of it this way Hot Coco - THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW. That's in the past, and it's time to move on. I'm here for you and let's try to exchange emails...I think that will help and give each other a shoulder if we need it. I opened up a new one on Yahoo so no one knows me (lightglowabove) (how's that for a funny name?? lol) so feel free to write me if you need to.

 

Yes, got a kick out of your admission. I know what you mean. I went through the same thing (so did my MM) and we really don't email or IM anymore and I had to get used to that but I'm ok with it now. It really was a relief to not have to worry about it. My H knows about LS...but not that I'm on it (a tangled web is right!).

 

Baby steps Hot Coco...baby steps and we'll be ok. We'll be ok...one day at a time.

A lot of wisdom in all you've said there.

Baby steps is a good way to go - but keep an eye on the bigger picture too!

[megabit15]

Mega, thanks so much for the advice on the repairing a marriage sites but here's where the really embarassing part comes in to play. There's not a thing wrong with my marriage! I wasn't looking to start anything up but when it started happening I went with it because it WAS exciting. H and I have been together 11 years (married 10). We have an active and great sex life. We get along really well. He's the love of my love, who by the way Sammi and others, I met him when I hadn't totally given up. I think when you meet your love...when you've all but given up and aren't even "looking."

 

So anyway that makes it even WORSE that I got swept up into this situation because I honestly DO have a good marriage.

 

I've never done anything like this before. Neither one of us (H & I) has ever cheated. This was completely out of character for me.

 

 

Sounds like you fall into the other category of cheating....there are the serial cheaters who are really - (well we've discussed that one to death) and the ones who become vulnerable to an affair even with someone they love. This darned book "His Needs, Her Needs" has really opened my eyes. It is aimed at the non-serial cheating couples for whom an affair is totally out of their character and against their principles.

 

I was the serial cheater type - some due to picking the wrong guy due to fear of intimacy issues, some due to the selfishness of not considering how it would affect someone else. But I can see how 'the needs" were not being met were a big part of it as well. God, this crap just has so many layers, and as many people have said - it's definately not so black or white.

[Hot Coco]

Sun, this was really the first serious try at NC. When I wrote the email on Sat. it had been 5 days since I broke it off. Broke it off, officially last Monday. So today is a week NC, if you don't count my Sat. email (which I've decided to NOT to count because I was saying goodbye in essence..not trying to start it up again.) So today is a week (am I cheating by saying it's a week?)

 

So there's no pattern since we've never really done it before but I don't think he'll contact me. He seems respectful of my wishes and probably has his own guilt about this so maybe he'll stick with it too. He's never ONCE though said he feels bad about this. I've been the only one saying that...so who knows. But it doesn't matter. I won't respond anyway. Not responding to his Sat. email back to me.

 

Thanks for your email address, Sun and I put you on my IM buddy list (if you're on Yahoo IM) I'll send you an email today so you can have mine too in case you want to get in touch.

 

Newbby, good points you raise and I've really thought about this. First, to answer your question, no I don't talk to my husband the way I write to OM. Maybe you'll think this is a cop out but it's just not realistic. I'm sure that if OM and I were together we wouldn't be speaking to each other the way we do in emails/Im's.

 

Also, my H is very different thatn OM. Very straightforward not a poetic/romantic type like OM. But you know what? I often think OM is full of sh-t. It doesn't always ring true to me. It's like a game we play. And I know I act differently sometimes when I communicate with him. Not the way I am in real life. That's why I said in my email to him that it's a fantasy, an illusion.

 

And I'll tell you what, I wouldn't change my H for anything. I like his no-nonsense style better. Would I choose to have a little more romance?...yeah but would I choose the man OM is over my H? NO!!! H and I are a MUCH better match in all areas. But the way OM talked to me WAS intoxicating. Just really not realistic at all. I bet he doesn't talk to his wife that way. If H started talking to me the way OM did I'd probably laugh my head off...it's just not him. And I do like/love him the way he is. It was all just the excitement of someone new I think for me. Not so much their different styles I think, that got me hooked.

 

And you want to laugh? He also told me that he doesn't have sex with his wife...just like all MM tell you. What's funny is that we had NO chance whatsoever for a physical relationship. It was out of the question. Thank god, he lives so far away from me because who knows? Maybe I would have caved if we could go to lunch or something. Thank god I didn't have to find out if I could REALLY resist that temptation. Of course, I'd like to think I could have (and HAVE resisted MM in the past) but heck...I'm only human...so who knows. But I think it's kind of funny that he told me that about not having sex with wife even though we couldn't/wouldn't. Heck maybe it was true.

 

So Sun today is Day 4? Good for you! Mine is either one week or 2 days depending on whether we're counting my one slip up on Sat.

 

We can do this...you're right Sun, baby steps...one day at a time.

[Hot Coco]

Mega, just saw your post. Interesting. Yes, many layers...but I think they ALL fall in the category (serial cheater or not) of having a certain amount of selfishness. It's all for ourselves with NO consideration for others. I wanted my ego stroked for whatever reason, by someone other than my H. That's so wrong and so selfish.

 

And you're right, its never really black or what as far as the reasons go but you know what? In my opinion, it IS black or white as far as whether one allows it to happen or not. All of us (except for those who didn't know the guy was married and OW is single) ALL of us had a choice at a certin point to go with it or walk away. To me, that part is very black and white. The reasons we gave in are where the grey areas come in.

 

I really thought I'd get flak about saying I have a good marriage. I thought people were going to say.."If it's so good why did you feel the need to continue that EA for a year?"

 

But I guess some of you understand that it may have NOTHING to do with your marriage but more to do with some character flaw/weakness in ourselves.

 

Yes, there really are so many layers to this. But I think if we can understand the underlying causes, no matter what they are, then we have a better chance of never repeating this destructive behavior again.

[Aquarius Guy]

Dear Hot Coco,

 

I was going to let you know I thought you called a shot correctly, that I did not see. You made a comment on the thread under Marriage, started by Confused123, that it was not worthwhile to respond to PortableVision's post.

 

I am new here, myself, and you just seemed like a constructive person, so I thought I would post you accolades on your thread.

 

Blessings.