Am I too damaged or too kind?

[winny]

Agree with the person above who said this is a scam. He maybe doing this to multiple women.. and if few of them decide to pay then guess what his weekly expenses are taken care of...! You are not damaged. He is manipulating you. Block him. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by winny

[I10]

On 2/26/2021 at 3:51 PM, caputo77 said:

I always think of situations like these this way too: Even if it's not a scam and he's being genuine, what does that say about his life? He has no close friends/family of which he could ask for a bit of cash? Major red flag IMO. I'm not even a very social person but I have about four or five friends plus a handful of family members I could ask if I was ever in a pinch, and there's no way in HELL I'd ever ask someone I'm trying to date for any amount of money. So regardless of whether he was being genuine or not, he kind of shot himself in the foot the moment he asked.

But anyway, I doubt he's genuine. I mean, think about it. It's pretty easy to find 10 women to chat with online. If you ask them all for $50 and they all oblige, you've just made $500. Hate seeing people taking advantage of kindhearted and compassionate women like that!

Also agree with what previous posters have said that loaning money to anyone is just a bad idea typically anyway. If you're an employed adult, you should be able to manage your finances well enough to handle the occasional splurge or emergency. It's personal finance 101 to set aside a bit of money every month for emergencies. Since I graduated college and got a job I've never once had to ask anyone for money. 

I dont either ask people for money or anything in general because I wouldn’t like to make people uncomfortable, but i guess there are all kinds of people, we should just know how to avoid the ones that leech on others to survive 

[I10]

On 2/26/2021 at 4:13 PM, Versacehottie said:

oh I don't know how I missed that he's a gambler.  That just adds more credence to the fact that his story is lies.  Gamblers and drug addicts are some of the smartest people ever when it comes to making a complete lie sound plausible and manipulating people.  It's a key of the addiction for sure.

About the therapy. I don't know if Macedonia has it but there are lots of companies and apps now that will let you do therapy online or over the app.  So in theory you could talk with a therapist from any country.  And your English is great so as long as you don't mind speaking with them in another language that opens up the possibilities.  I don't know if the cost would be prohibitive though (due to the cost of living difference between the various countries and let's say the app setting a price assuming most of their clients are coming from U.S. or something like that).  But if it's something you are interested in (without getting a pills brush off), that's a good option.

Good luck & you did the right thing!

Thank you. I couldn’t afford US therapists, i am sure about that, but anyway thanks for the suggestion. I know I need it, but maybe in some better days. 

Im glad im not that damaged to detect bs tho, like the last one. 

Doged a bullet there..

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, I10 said:

Thank you. I couldn’t afford US therapists, i am sure about that, but anyway thanks for the suggestion. I know I need it, but maybe in some better days. 

Im glad im not that damaged to detect bs tho, like the last one. 

Doged a bullet there..

I have to reread what you feel you need therapy for but since your english is so good as well, you could also start by reading some books (they can have self-exercises to your work on yourself is tangible and there is feedback from it).  

Start with that so it's affordable and that the time doesn't pass--especially if your patterns don't serve you or you need to improve your self esteem or boundaries or need better skills for coping or interpersonal relationships.

And yeah, rather than think of yourself as damaged in any way, you need to look at the fact that you recognized this in him & drew a line.  Almost all of us (arguably all of us) will encounter people who take us for granted or make us doubt our self-esteem or boundaries or dating choices and what we "attract".  But rather than focusing on the fact that these people come your way (because I would say that happens to almost everyone), focus on the fact that you turned him away and didn't allow him entrance into your life, your world (good use of boundaries). That in itself is a source of good self esteem.

A lot of times people get really fixated and confused thinking if they were this emotional/mentally perfect person that bad people won't come their way or won't attempt to test boundaries, or just that your good mental health presumes these people just wouldn't be in your life at all, period.  I don't think that's true.  I think that if you are mentally & emotionally healthy, they might try to come into your life but you don't let them in or if it's less damaging and just minor things with people who deserve to be in your life (but which doesn't mean there won't be issues to resolve), that you deal with it from a place of self-esteem and good coping skills.  So it's important to have the "takeaway" from this event be that YOU HANDLED it vs that he showed up in your life.  Hope that helps!

[I10]

On 2/27/2021 at 9:57 PM, Versacehottie said:

I have to reread what you feel you need therapy for but since your english is so good as well, you could also start by reading some books (they can have self-exercises to your work on yourself is tangible and there is feedback from it).  

Start with that so it's affordable and that the time doesn't pass--especially if your patterns don't serve you or you need to improve your self esteem or boundaries or need better skills for coping or interpersonal relationships.

And yeah, rather than think of yourself as damaged in any way, you need to look at the fact that you recognized this in him & drew a line.  Almost all of us (arguably all of us) will encounter people who take us for granted or make us doubt our self-esteem or boundaries or dating choices and what we "attract".  But rather than focusing on the fact that these people come your way (because I would say that happens to almost everyone), focus on the fact that you turned him away and didn't allow him entrance into your life, your world (good use of boundaries). That in itself is a source of good self esteem.

A lot of times people get really fixated and confused thinking if they were this emotional/mentally perfect person that bad people won't come their way or won't attempt to test boundaries, or just that your good mental health presumes these people just wouldn't be in your life at all, period.  I don't think that's true.  I think that if you are mentally & emotionally healthy, they might try to come into your life but you don't let them in or if it's less damaging and just minor things with people who deserve to be in your life (but which doesn't mean there won't be issues to resolve), that you deal with it from a place of self-esteem and good coping skills.  So it's important to have the "takeaway" from this event be that YOU HANDLED it vs that he showed up in your life.  Hope that helps!

Thanks a lot. It helps a lot reading that in some way i stood up for myself and thanks again gor all your effort in trying to help me. Can you recommend some books, please?

[Versacehottie]

On 2/24/2021 at 7:35 AM, understand50 said:

In general, this type of Loan, if you make it,  you need to think of it as a gift.  You will not get it back.  As for giving money to a new acquaintance, well no.  I have, in the past, given a "gift" of a $100 to a stranger, who was in need, or I thought they were, but I don't make it a habit.  In this case, I suggest you don't, as his story is suspect in my opinion.

My two cents.

Agree, if you think of this type of "loan" as a gift it's better.  

That said, as this is in a dating context, you did the right thing, OP, not to lend it to him!  Too many mixed motives and too complicated in that situation.  Not to mention, I'd bet it's a scam of some sort (probably solely with him but he doesn't have good intentions and is on the site to make money not date).

[Versacehottie]

On 2/24/2021 at 12:57 PM, I10 said:

Oh very thanks for the sweet words and for the time you shared for me. Tbh, I did feel a little bad because i believe he is broke,but he is a grown ass man who should start looking after himself, especially since he has a little daughter. Also, i also had tough life and i am emotionally exhaust d. I can’t deal with other people’s problems anymore

Here's why it's suspect and disingenuous though...if he doesn't have enough money for his daughter, he shouldn't be trying to date right now. So he either has poor character (if he's half-assing his parental responsibilities) or he's suspiciously finding ways to get money from women on the internet.  I would maybe even guess that perhaps he's not single.

in any case he shouldn't be visiting his problems on you.  Huge red flag.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

On 2/25/2021 at 11:43 AM, I10 said:

That is why, when he asked for the money and i was willing to give him i wondered if it was because i am too damaged to think rationally, or too kind to give away my hard earned money to somebody i barely know. 

I think as an experience scammer or someone with a gambling addiction they get really good at figuring out who is kind hearted and searching for "something"/"someone" to fill them up.

I wouldn't say it's because you are damaged though maybe he did recognize in you a need to feel loved. Will send you a some book ideas Might take a little while...