Am I too damaged or too kind?

February 24, 2021

5 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Classic scammer tactics, sob story followed by a request for a relatively small amount of money. If you can, copy and save his profile pic and then run it through Tin-Eye or Google reverse photo search. This type of scam is prolific on date sites and once you know their MO they're easy to spot. They often use photos of men in military uniform, or any photo that projects an image of respectability.

Oh, he is local, from my town. I dont think he has the intellect to be part of an international scam scheme, however it is still bad that he tried to scam me. The more i read the comments here, the clearer his intentions are.

February 24, 2021

41 minutes ago, Sunsetz said:

Of course! I have been in the same boat being exhausted dealing with others’ problems. This isn’t your responsibility — the love and compassion you freely give others, give to yourself. Trust me, you deserve it!

I am sorry to hear about you but glad that you wised up. Yes, we deserve loving ourselves first.

February 24, 2021

My guess is they try it on anyone who will bite... he may say he’s local but he might not be. Were you able to reverse image search and find any social media to verify his location /identity

February 24, 2021

17 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

My guess is they try it on anyone who will bite... he may say he’s local but he might not be. Were you able to reverse image search and find any social media to verify his location /identity

No, but we do have a mutual friend together in real life. This is how he added me. I also did a little digging when i first started talking to him on my own because i didnt want to invoIve said friend and I confirmed he was who he said he was. But i guess knowing their real identity doesnt stop them at all.

February 25, 2021

While I agree that not everyone who gambles is a "problem person," I also agree that it's most likely going to turn out to be some version or other of con artistry. Certainly the chance is way too high that it would be.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confidence_trick

February 25, 2021

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

While I agree that not everyone who gambles is a "problem person," I also agree that it's most likely going to turn out to be some version or other of con artistry. Certainly the chance is way too high that it would be.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confidence_trick

Thanks for reading and giving your insight. It certainly is and i didnt question his intensions as i question why i even considered giving the money even though I barely know him and now have little interest in him. Luckily, i solved the issue by blocking him.

February 25, 2021

22 hours ago, I10 said:

this is when the first alarm in my head went off,

Your instincts are good if alarms were going off. Just relax and listen to them.

February 25, 2021

It's really fantastic that you didn't fall for this. Kudos to you.
If you have a little time, have a look at a website like scamwarners.com, and the section on romance scams, to see examples of the types of things to watch out for. We all need to be on our guard, as plenty of women have lost their life savings, homes, peace of mind to conmen.

February 25, 2021

23 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Stop! This is a common scam. Don't give money to people you have never met.

Agreed

February 25, 2021

1 hour ago, SaraSays said:

It's really fantastic that you didn't fall for this. Kudos to you.
If you have a little time, have a look at a website like scamwarners.com, and the section on romance scams, to see examples of the types of things to watch out for. We all need to be on our guard, as plenty of women have lost their life savings, homes, peace of mind to conmen.

Thnx,ill have a look right now. Its a pretty awful feeling to be honest. They make you question your worth, but at the end of the day, i know it’s not my fault nor of millions of women who unfortunately do get scammed

February 25, 2021

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your instincts are good if alarms were going off. Just relax and listen to them.

Tbh, since the moment he started saying that he has no incomes, he is short on money i kinda expected this, but still i was kinda hoping he wouldnt ask me, a stranger, of all the people he knows.

February 25, 2021

Being a good person will result in some loss in cash, however, there is much more to be gained in being a good person. Worth far more than the amount of money you lose. So don't worry about losing $50 here and there. What you have is worth far more. Focus on the good. Being a good person has plenty of rewards.

February 25, 2021

I just heard a podcast about giving money the other day. The more "personal" and close to you the request comes, the more likely you are to feel like you should or want to give the money. If you are "separate" from the request, such as starving kids in Africa, you won't feel as obliged.

So that might explain the why of how you are feeling. (ie he's a real person to you and you may feel some sense of guilt or pull to help even though he's not your boyfriend and you don't love him--because it's a real and tangible situation tugs on your heartstrings about the little girl/her dad).

Anyway, knowing that there is a psychological reason for this now, perhaps that will make it easier to say no to him? I hope so.Good luck

February 25, 2021

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I just heard a podcast about giving money the other day. The more "personal" and close to you the request comes, the more likely you are to feel like you should or want to give the money. If you are "separate" from the request, such as starving kids in Africa, you won't feel as obliged.

So that might explain the why of how you are feeling. (ie he's a real person to you and you may feel some sense of guilt or pull to help even though he's not your boyfriend and you don't love him--because it's a real and tangible situation tugs on your heartstrings about the little girl/her dad).

Anyway, knowing that there is a psychological reason for this now, perhaps that will make it easier to say no to him? I hope so.Good luck

Thanks a bunch. This explains a lot. I already said no because i am appalled at his boldness and lack of shame, and most of all because i dont want to make this a routine.

February 25, 2021

On 2/24/2021 at 8:28 AM, I10 said:

This is probably the dumbest post here on loveshack, and i feel pretty humiliated to even write this, but i just want to vent, confirm my views and share this with somebody.

so, not even two full weeks ago i met someeone online. He seemed funny, intelligent and we just clicked and talked for long hours. Right away, he told me he was divorced with one daughter and now they have shared custody. He told me he had been a gambler before but after his daughter was born, he stopped and is not even considering it because he loves his daughter.

a few days into us talking, he told me how his ex wife had asked the social services not to allow the little girl to spend time at his home because, as he says, he was late a couple f times in returning her to her mom’s. He said he needs money to fight for this, money which he doesnt have.

so, this is when the first alarm in my head went off, but i said whatever, he maybe just sharing his concerns with somebody.

fast forward last night. He texts me saying he wants to ask for something and then goes on saying that he wont ask because i will probably dissapoint him.

I just asked one more time what is it and with no further pressure he goes on saying that he wants me to lend him about 50 dollars.

he doesnt even know me and he asks for money... you probably think, oh you’re not stupid and said no.. but surprise surprise. J didnt. I said i’ll look into it and didn’t say much but that turned me off so bad that i cant even text W/him now. I was disgusted to say the least.

the thing i am mostly baffled about is why on hell i am considering to give him that money( i know he wont return it) and after that to dissapear from his life.

why i couldn’t just say no, and say bye straight away? Am i that damaged? What the hell is wrong with me? I dont love him, and now i dont even like him but still im gonna give him the money..

does anybody understand me?

please, i will be veru much grateful for any insight.

Re:the bolded.

I don't know the laws in your country, but it seems suspicious that social services would be involved for a couple of instances of lateness.
If he needs a lawyer to fight it, I am pretty sure it will cost a whole lot more than $50

This whole story sounds fishy and the best thing you can do is to walk away and not get drawn into a situation of deception and manipulation.

February 25, 2021

4 hours ago, I10 said:

Tbh, since the moment he started saying that he has no incomes, he is short on money i kinda expected this, but still i was kinda hoping he wouldnt ask me, a stranger, of all the people he knows.

p.s. This is exactly WHY he is asking you: because he can tell you whatever story he invents and you have no way to prove or disprove it. Further, when he has gotten as much money from you as he can, he can simply disappear without a trace.

February 25, 2021

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Re:the bolded.

I don't know the laws in your country, but it seems suspicious that social services would be involved for a couple of instances of lateness.

If he needs a lawyer to fight it, I am pretty sure it will cost a whole lot more than $50

This whole story sounds fishy and the best thing you can do is to walk away and not get drawn into a situation of deception and manipulation.

Exactly what i asked him: how could social services make such a decision on just lateness.

i live in North Macedonia, Western Balkans. Attorney fees here are not that expensive but your right on this too, 50 dollars will help just filing the appeal.

That’s why i decided to block him. In the end, even if what he says is true, he is a grown up and he must learn to handle things by himself.

February 25, 2021

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

p.s. This is exactly WHY he is asking you: because he can tell you whatever story he invents and you have no way to prove or disprove it. Further, when he has gotten as much money from you as he can, he can simply disappear without a trace.

Yes this, and being a gambler he probably has no other resort left. Thank you all for your comments. You confirmed what i already knew but still it is better hearing it from others and stop feeling awful for not helping out.

February 25, 2021

Dear girl or woman,

To the eagle eye and the trained ear this letter is a horror story. There is so much to unpack that it will take a lifetime to get through it all. I will do my best to tackle the major themes.

You titled the letter “am I too damaged or too kind”. This is indicative of the fact that you have some unresolved trauma in your life, for this is how you refer to yourself firstly: damaged. It is not an ordinary way to refer to oneself unless, of course, there is a reason to.

This individual informed you, as best and as lightly as he could, the issues in his life. He is a gambler, he is divorced, and he is now dealing with CPS. Upon further review, we also learn he is not dependable, since he is late to drop off his daughter to her mother at least a few times. At this point anyone ordinary would ask what the reason for his tardiness was in returning his daughter, and if there is nothing wrong, why is he not communicating with his ex to inform her he is running late? But this is just us, basic common mortals.

We also learn -in just a few days for you- and in the third paragraph for us, he is unemployed and in need of money. Now my question to him would be: why are you looking for a date instead of a job?

However, because this letter is written to address your concerns and not his, my next question is for you: why would you say “whatever” to the alarm going off in your head? If he were indeed sharing his concern, you would not hear an alarm, right?

I have no doubt he is a crook. And he knows he found the perfect “fool”, because that is all you are going to be if you send him this money. See, he set you up well. He is probably a good listener, and you most likely shared with him more than you should have, as many women online have the tendency to do. Somewhere in your conversation you must have let out that you are a people pleaser. Either voluntarily or involuntarily. That is why he set up his game with “I will not ask because you will probably disappoint me”. First, who stays on the phone after someone says something like that to us, especially after we just met? He then asks for $50.00. Now, can someone please explain to me, what kind of lawyer has a retaining fee of $50.00? Because supposedly he needs this money to help fight his wife, right?

You then state his request turned you off. I apologize, it actually disgusted you. Yet, you are still sending him the money. Please do not.

The best thing to do is to invest that money in you. It is evident you have been through a lot. Otherwise, this would not even be a conversation. Look for a therapist in your city and take the time to care for yourself before you venture out online. Failure to do so, will result in you being traumatized further. Online dating is not kind on anyone. It is brutal. You may find yourself in a bigger problem than you can handle. Your priority now should be healing, and not dating. Remember, we attract who we are.

I wish you much healing.

February 25, 2021

4 minutes ago, thewoomensay said:

Dear girl or woman,

To the eagle eye and the trained ear this letter is a horror story. There is so much to unpack that it will take a lifetime to get through it all. I will do my best to tackle the major themes.

You titled the letter “am I too damaged or too kind”. This is indicative of the fact that you have some unresolved trauma in your life, for this is how you refer to yourself firstly: damaged. It is not an ordinary way to refer to oneself unless, of course, there is a reason to.

This individual informed you, as best and as lightly as he could, the issues in his life. He is a gambler, he is divorced, and he is now dealing with CPS. Upon further review, we also learn he is not dependable, since he is late to drop off his daughter to her mother at least a few times. At this point anyone ordinary would ask what the reason for his tardiness was in returning his daughter, and if there is nothing wrong, why is he not communicating with his ex to inform her he is running late? But this is just us, basic common mortals.

We also learn -in just a few days for you- and in the third paragraph for us, he is unemployed and in need of money. Now my question to him would be: why are you looking for a date instead of a job?

However, because this letter is written to address your concerns and not his, my next question is for you: why would you say “whatever” to the alarm going off in your head? If he were indeed sharing his concern, you would not hear an alarm, right?

I have no doubt he is a crook. And he knows he found the perfect “fool”, because that is all you are going to be if you send him this money. See, he set you up well. He is probably a good listener, and you most likely shared with him more than you should have, as many women online have the tendency to do. Somewhere in your conversation you must have let out that you are a people pleaser. Either voluntarily or involuntarily. That is why he set up his game with “I will not ask because you will probably disappoint me”. First, who stays on the phone after someone says something like that to us, especially after we just met? He then asks for $50.00. Now, can someone please explain to me, what kind of lawyer has a retaining fee of $50.00? Because supposedly he needs this money to help fight his wife, right?

You then state his request turned you off. I apologize, it actually disgusted you. Yet, you are still sending him the money. Please do not.

The best thing to do is to invest that money in you. It is evident you have been through a lot. Otherwise, this would not even be a conversation. Look for a therapist in your city and take the time to care for yourself before you venture out online. Failure to do so, will result in you being traumatized further. Online dating is not kind on anyone. It is brutal. You may find yourself in a bigger problem than you can handle. Your priority now should be healing, and not dating. Remember, we attract who we are.

I wish you much healing.

Thanks for the kind and detailed reply, i really appreciate it.

My life since the beginning has not been easy, i have gone through so much that i think at one point i became indifferent to all feelings including pain, became too tired to even care about anything, myself included. I swear i cant remember when i was last really happy and laughed from the bottom of my heart, but since i know that there are many like me or worse out there, i always try not to bother people with how i feel.

With him, I just liked the conversation, we had numerous debates on various topics and i was bored so i just kinda went for it. To me, it was just spending time and killing boredom, nothing more, that is why i didn’t take notice of the alarms ringing, because I thought it wont affect me.

That is why, when he asked for the money and i was willing to give him i wondered if it was because i am too damaged to think rationally, or too kind to give away my hard earned money to somebody i barely know.

Therapy where i live is basically non existent. A therapist here will just give you pills and send you your way, but i should def see if there are any private ones.

February 25, 2021

Yea he must be very desperate for money., trying to scam someone you share mutual friends with takes some b*lls.

Edited February 25, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

February 25, 2021

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea he must be very desperate for money., trying to scam someone you share mutual friends with takes some b*lls.

That, or he must feel really confident in his skills, but either way he knows and he might think twice before trying to pull off something similar

February 26, 2021

I always think of situations like these this way too: Even if it's not a scam and he's being genuine, what does that say about his life? He has no close friends/family of which he could ask for a bit of cash? Major red flag IMO. I'm not even a very social person but I have about four or five friends plus a handful of family members I could ask if I was ever in a pinch, and there's no way in HELL I'd ever ask someone I'm trying to date for any amount of money. So regardless of whether he was being genuine or not, he kind of shot himself in the foot the moment he asked.

But anyway, I doubt he's genuine. I mean, think about it. It's pretty easy to find 10 women to chat with online. If you ask them all for $50 and they all oblige, you've just made $500. Hate seeing people taking advantage of kindhearted and compassionate women like that!

Also agree with what previous posters have said that loaning money to anyone is just a bad idea typically anyway. If you're an employed adult, you should be able to manage your finances well enough to handle the occasional splurge or emergency. It's personal finance 101 to set aside a bit of money every month for emergencies. Since I graduated college and got a job I've never once had to ask anyone for money.

February 26, 2021

oh I don't know how I missed that he's a gambler. That just adds more credence to the fact that his story is lies. Gamblers and drug addicts are some of the smartest people ever when it comes to making a complete lie sound plausible and manipulating people. It's a key of the addiction for sure.

About the therapy. I don't know if Macedonia has it but there are lots of companies and apps now that will let you do therapy online or over the app. So in theory you could talk with a therapist from any country. And your English is great so as long as you don't mind speaking with them in another language that opens up the possibilities. I don't know if the cost would be prohibitive though (due to the cost of living difference between the various countries and let's say the app setting a price assuming most of their clients are coming from U.S. or something like that). But if it's something you are interested in (without getting a pills brush off), that's a good option.

Good luck & you did the right thing!

February 26, 2021

Yes, I have heard gambling addiction is so bad people will sell everything they own sometimes they get so desperate.

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