Promises without a follow through

[Calmandfocused]

My ex Husband did this a lot around Christmas, birthdays, Valentine’s Day etc. 
 

The lack of effort on his part was just another glaringly obvious symbolism /indicator that my ExH did not give a toss about me. 

It’s not the material aspect that’s important. It’s what the material aspects represent. 
 

Low effort = Low investment. 
Broken promises = Low investment. 
Low Priority = low investment. 
 

He’s not invested. 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

OP links her 'relationship needs' to a past trauma, she verbalized it, she may have just said: for me to be happy in a relationship I need to be celebrated on important days. 

Fair enough.  So, since he's not meeting that need, she should leave.  Period.  Not attempt to make him into a man that values birthdays or holidays the way she does through guilt or complaining (verbalizing it).

I'm sorry maybe that's why I am not meant to be in a LTR.  I don't believe doing that serves any good purpose whatsoever.  

It's okay to have needs, not disputing that, but I think it's important to accept your partner for who they are and what they have and choose to give, and if it's not enough, then wish them well and walk.

Is that not what you did Gaeta with your ex?  I read in a thread that you placed a high value on holidays but because of your ex's past trauma he wasn't into them, preferred to be alone on those occasions, and instead of guilting him into doing it your way, you accepted that, accepted him, and adjusted your expectations.

Had you not accepted that about him and verbalized your unhappiness, no doubt he would have felt guilty and pressured, and as such might have chosen to shut down and/or give less.

But that's not what happened.  You accepted it, accepted him, and your relationship lasted five years and except for the crap at the end, he treated you extremely well, was lovely and gave you a lot.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Is that not what you did Gaeta with your ex?  I read in a thread that you placed a high value on holidays but because of your ex's past trauma he wasn't into them, preferred to be alone on those occasions, and instead of guilting him into doing it your way, you accepted that, accepted him, and adjusted your expectations.

Yes. 

My ex had the trauma, when he explained to me I understood and accepted it's the way it would be. 

In OP's story she has the trauma, if he wants to be with her he should accept that side of her. If he's not at all a holiday person and he won't compromise for OP then they should not date. 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes. 

My ex had the trauma, when he explained to me I understood and accepted it's the way it would be. 

In OP's story she has the trauma, if he wants to be with her he should accept that side of her. If he's not at all a holiday person and he won't compromise for OP then they should not date. 

I don't disagree BUT if the way she communicated her anxiety/trauma and what she needs was by complaining, and guilt-tripping, it's not going to motivate her boyfriend to want to give.

It's all about how we choose to communicate.   

From what @prettyinpink67originally posted, she doesn't say how she communicated this need to him, what she posted was this:

My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for a year now, will always reassure me that we will celebrate my birthday even though everybody else forgets. On the day of my birthday however, he woke up quite late, wished me a happy birthday in passing and then went cycling with his friends. Of course I was upset and communicated it with him, I thought that he would at least be excited for my birthday and leave me a birthday message or put some effort into my birthday. 

I could be wrong, but this reads to me like a guilt-trip or how he may have interpreted it.

It's a delicate line - communicating a need to our partner without it coming across like a guilt trip if they don't meet that need.

I have never been good at it which is why I suck at relationships.

My MO is try to accept him for who he is and what he chooses to give. 

If I cannot, I typically say nothing, and just leave.

And I deal with my anxieties, past trauma on my own or with the help of my therapist.

 

 

 

Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

I'm still not convinced that OP has ever met this guy in person or, if she has, that they are in the same location now.  First, she mentioned that he's going to send her money for a gift, which seems odd.  And then he was going to have flowers delivered for Vday, which could have been a nice gesture (delivery vs bringing them in person), but also could suggest that they are in different locations. I think context is important.

[Miss Spider]

I think if they live far away it only makes it slightly better. You’re allowed to dgaf a little bit more with long distance people (generally). But it still is showing that he dgaf, which isn’t good. If he lives around the block, yes it is a bit worse, but if you think about it, getting up and seeing someone takes a bit of effort, esp on v day. Just sending someone something is the least gaf thing you could do

Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Gaeta]

I think it's actually easier if you live apart.

Call the flower shop 2-3 days ahead and you're done. 

For her b'day he can again order something online, have it shipped as a gift, he's done. 

He can do all that laying in bed in his underwear. 

[Miss Spider]

Yet he couldn’t bother 

[poppyfields]

Agree he just didn't care, this is done.  HE is done.

I'm sorry @prettyinpink67.   

[smackie9]

LDR...not worth it.

[Miss Spider]

A lot of people will just stick around and put up with it though, so they don’t have to bother and it doesn’t necessarily have to be done..  at least not for a long time. I know couples like this. Their significant others don’t acknowledge their birthdays or anniversaries or v day. What’s the worst that could happen? They get b*tched out a little bit? Sometimes not even that... sometimes the person will actually justify why they’re not putting in minimal effort with “but they’re so good in other ways... it’s just not important to them” and for the person, putting in the effort to deliver far outweighs whatever consequences there are of not doing so. So they don’t 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

Here's the thing about birthdays and holidays and other special occasions.  They might not be important to your partner, but if he/she has any sense at all, they realize that celebrating holidays and birthdays are important to most people, they're important to our significant others.  They represent how much we care, and how special they are.   And that goes both ways. 

Even if they do other things that show they care, to dismiss a birthday or other special occasion simply because they themselves don't value or need them, is either incredibly selfish or they fear what celebrating such occasions represents - their commitment.

And if someone fears commitment, they're going to run from birthday/holidays, this has been documented in various books, articles, etc.

That would be my very first thought if my significant other ran from birthday and holiday celebrations.  He fears commitment and what celebrating those holidays represents.  It's a way to create distance.

So to @prettyinpink67, please think about that and decide if this is good enough for you.  And take steps to resolve your past trauma anxiety, I guarantee this will benefit you in the long run whether you remain with your boyfriend or not.

Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Have you two met in person?

Is this relationship long distance?

Did you have plans to be together on your birthday?

Why would he be sending you money?

Lol that (offer to send money) would have me as aggravated as him forgetting the gift.  It's not about the cost of the money for you to pick out your own gift or pick it up.  It's that a person would put in the effort to make the gift happen and sending money after the fact is just shifting the burden right back on the OP (bad/lazy move on his part). 

Obviously some people give gifts of money or gift cards (same IMO) but it's how it is handled BEFORE rather than after the fact like the OP is an afterthought and he's just paying her off.  Usually when people give you money/gift cards it's because they know you would like to pick out the items yourself and haven't quite decided what you want; don't know you well enough to know what items you want or you might be trying to amass a bunch from a certain place to pool together for a larger item or things to spend on in the future from a favorite place.  So in that case it's "thoughtful" to give money/gift cards.  But when it's an appeasements for lack of getting a gift, it's not nice.  OP, why didn't you speak up right then?  I wouldn't have accepted to the money.  Lol, I would have corrected the guy right then and told him to keep his money (in a nice, healthy way) or I would have relaxed my standards about getting something on time (actually those are pretty relaxed and IMO should be) and not put the guy under the pressure to get something by a date that is meaningless as far as him putting thought into it.  Like you said, OP, you have your own money and could buy what you need.  If you want the sentiment, be a little flexible on the time frame, IMO.  Looks like he just treated it as a problem to be dealt with immediately and you still didn't get the "thought" behind it.  It was a payoff 

[prettyinpink67]

23 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It means he is unreliable & doesn't care about sentimental things the way you do.  In general you are incompatible.  Since it's happened twice you have to assume that you will have a lifetime of this should you continue dating him. 

Hey, thank you for making this easy to understand! 

 

[prettyinpink67]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So you explained to him you have serious anxiety towards your birthday and he promised he won't disappoint you and, he does, twice. In short, you are not THAT important to this man. I am ready to bet he's not very reliable in other areas of your relationship. 

In a relationship when one is dealing with a childhood trauma the other partner needs to be sensitive and deliver on his promises. I don't see any reasons why your bf wouldn't be able to execute his promises, other then he is not reliable and he doesn't care that much about your personal difficulties. 

This sounds like a long distance relationship. It's time to realize you can do better in terms of boyfriend and you need someone local. 

Hello, thank you for your response.

As it was approaching my birthday, I had been secretly crying because I had such a bad anxiety and he noticed that. I finally opened up to him and he knew about my family situation, so he assured me that everything will be okay since I got him. He has been asking me what I wanted for birthday, but I said I didn't want anything so he told me that he would treat me to my favorite food instead. 

On my birthday he sent me an amount of money as a gift, but due to unknown reason the transaction got cancelled. He told me a few times that he will send it to me again once it's back in his account but that was 12 days ago.

On valentine's day, he himself announced he would like to redeemed himself but alas the flower never came, and he got refunded back as well. He would then tell me that he'll get me something else even though it's late but so far I don't hear back from him. When I got upset and communicated it with him, he would ask me why am I remembering it again?

He is a loving man otherwise, always kind and patient. He even got me something for christmas even though I don't celebrate it. However, he has a history of saying stuff without a follow through and I'm kind of sick of empty promises. 

[prettyinpink67]

21 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I think the fact that he went off cycling and didn't do anything with you is actually worse than no gift.  Idk, I think you guys are at an impasse, just wanting and showing how much you care and how you express caring and how you measure it differently.  If I was in your situation,  I don't know if I would want to throw away an otherwise good relationship over someone that is just careless with gifts (which lots of people are).  Like I said, it would probably bother me more than he treated the day like any normal day by leaving to go cycling and didn't alter his plans to do something together.  Perhaps either the gift (or spending time) are indicative of him really not being considerate in the relationship overall and are a definitive signal of other things that happen repetitively?  If so, that's serious.  If not, I wouldn't weight it as such.

Bolded is one thing I see wrong with what you did.  That's baggage and not a good enticement to get people to honor your birthday.  Try to dial it back to "birthdays mean a lot to me; I like to celebrate and gifts"  Blaming it on trauma, anxiety and triggering events is a cop out IMO.  Some people are full on on their birthdays because they like the attention and want to be showered with it--whether it be from close special people like a boyfriend OR from everyone.  Step up to being that if that's what you want.  Don't try to guilt someone or make them feel sorry for you in order to get what you need.  It totally sends the wrong message about who you are & why you need what you need.  You also get more from people in this scenario from not being a "broken" person who is guilt tripping them but as a person who just loves to be adored.  There is a difference (negative reinforcement vs positive reinforcement; well along those lines).

One question: if he had been asking you about what you wanted days before your birthday, why didn't you tell him or did you?  I hope you aren't expecting a mind reader and then doing some passive aggressive stuff.  You have to meet people where they are.  You know this guy and have been dating him so perhaps you want him to be something he is not.

Hi Versace,

He did asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I told him I want nothing. I didn't expect anything from him honestly, just for him to be excited to celebrate my birthday with me. I had expected for him to at least give me a proper birthday wish, and spend some time with me. He felt bad since I was so sad, he said he knew I will get even madder if he just sent me money at that time but he said he still wanted to get me something. The transaction somehow got cancelled and he kept telling me he would send it again, but never did.

I wasn't trying to guilt him really, it took him a lot of convincing to help me open up since he noticed I had been crying for days. I wouldn't be expecting anything if he hadn't said them himself, what makes me mad is him not following through with promises that he kept throwing at me. I know that if I asked he will most likely fulfill it, there is nothing that I wanted but he kept saying he will get me something or do something for me but ended up not following through. We had this conversation in the past, each time he would say sorry and give me excuses such as being busy or being distracted. Other than being unreliable, he is a lovely person though. 

 

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, prettyinpink67 said:

so he told me that he would treat me to my favorite food instead. 

On my birthday he sent me an amount of money as a gift, but due to unknown reason the transaction got cancelled.

You know all this isn't true. He did not try to send you flowers and he did not try to send you money. 

Not only he doesn't follow through on his promises but the major issue here is he's a liar. 

When you promise something and you know you won't do it, and you excuses yourself with lies,  that makes you a liar. 

You need a better boyfriend. You also need to address the problem that generates that anxiety in your life. 

Edited February 24, 2021 by Gaeta

[prettyinpink67]

20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree he needs to deliver on his promises, or better yet, not make such promises in the first place.  He was wrong.

I disagree with needing or expecting your parther to fix your anxiety/past trauma for you, by buying gifts or making birthdays and holidays special.

That's your job. Generic you.

It won't fix such issues anyway, it's putting a temporary band aid on them.  

 

 

I never expected him to fix my trauma though, just merely sharing.

And, I think expecting gift and to spend some time with your partner is the bare minimum. You don't even have to use money for that. That's just how you love and appreciate the person you're with, and putting effort to please them.

 

20 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I guess my feeling is that you have been pressuring him about your Birthday and about Valentine's Day.  Have you said that you wanted him to make it special or that you would be anxious about not receiving anything?  Making someone feel they should do things to please you is not really a good dynamic; being delighted when he does it, is more positive.  He will feel rewarded for thinking of you then rather than blamed.

This guy does not want to feel pressured to make these gestures - which is different perhaps from him choosing to do them on his own.  I think he is always going to disappoint you because he is not prepared to fit into your fantasy of him doing these things.  Yes it's sad if someone does not do something special for your birthday.  I get the impression you contacted him after he went out cycling with friends.  Maybe he was planning to pick a present up on the way back or take you out somewhere special later?  Did you give him chance to show what he was going to do or did you jump in as soon as you thought he was failing?

There is nothing wrong with wanting your birthday to be special and wanting to be treated and loved on Valentine's Day.  Being overly anxious about it is likely to disturb a partner though and put pressure on him.  It's hard to know how to advise you really except that he does not seem to be the guy for you.  While it is one thing to feel upset if your boyfriend forgets and does not make it up to you, it is another to force these days on him in advance as something he must make special for you.  It is like saying, I must have a nice present for my birthday or I will know you don't love me.  I know that is not what you mean.

In future it is best to look at your anxiety over this and realise it is not your boyfriend's problem that you have anxiety from the past.  It is not up to him to put it right or make these days extra special to pay off some debt or trauma that you experienced some time ago.  If you feel your boyfriend is not caring enough or paying you enough attention, dump him and get a different boyfriend.

 

 

I wasn't pressuring him about my birthday or valentine's day. He found out I had been crying with a bad anxiety and he declared that he would do something for me, but I guess he thought just sending me money would suffice. On the day itself he called me as soon as he woke up to wish me a happy birthday, and then went cycling with his brother. I don't really care about valentine's day tbh, he himself declared that he had a chance to redeem himself and told me he ordered flower for me. By some unknown reason, both the money was cancelled and the rose never came. I was content with just his effort of ordering flowers for me, but then he declared he would get me something else even though it's late.

It's not the money, or the roses. I was already content by then, but then he made a new promise and didn't follow through with it.  I had this conversation with him and he would say he felt bad and that he would make up to it, but there is no action following his words.

You're right, I have to talk to him about this. 

 

[Wiseman2]

So you've never met in person? Unfortunately your descriptions seems more like a paypal situation.

Edited February 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Assuming he did try to send you money & buy you flowers (a big assumption) having both of these monetary things go awry is an indication that he has money problems.  Seems like another reason to let this one go:  he's flakey about life not just following through with you. 

[prettyinpink67]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You know all this isn't true. He did not try to send you flowers and he did not try to send you money. 

Not only he doesn't follow through on his promises but the major issue here is he's a liar. 

When you promise something and you know you won't do it, and you excuses yourself with lies,  that makes you a liar. 

You need a better boyfriend. You also need to address the problem that generates that anxiety in your life. 

The thing is, I know he really sent me the money because he was the one who kept reminding me to check the transaction. And he really paid for the flowers because the website charged him and gave him a delivery date, but on the day I called them and then only they told us that they didn't cover my area and refunded his money.

The problem is, he kept telling me that he will resend the money or find me something else for valentine's day but didn't follow it with actions.

It's not the money or the roses, I had this problem with him where he would say stuff and not deliver it. We've had discussion about it too. The thing is he's repeating it again, especially on what's supposed to be a special occasion so it felt extra shittier. I know that he will get me something if I asked, but I don't want anything other than just him delivering his own words. 

[prettyinpink67]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you've never met in person? Unfortunately your descriptions seems more like a paypal situation.

I've ignored you twice now since you're being rude to me. Do you think he's just a paypal to me? Or that I'm a teenager with an online love?

We're separated for now. His city is still in a lockdown. He sent me money because he doesn't know what I want (since I always told him I don't want anything). He knew I liked to invest, so he said I can invest it instead if I don't spend it on anything. Also, I sent him money too. 

[prettyinpink67]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Assuming he did try to send you money & buy you flowers (a big assumption) having both of these monetary things go awry is an indication that he has money problems.  Seems like another reason to let this one go:  he's flakey about life not just following through with you. 

He said since he is a man, they don't really plan in advance and only think about what to get you one day in advance. is this even true?

[d0nnivain]

Just now, prettyinpink67 said:

He said since he is a man, they don't really plan in advance and only think about what to get you one day in advance. is this even true?

I suppose for some men that is true but most men I know plan something or at least have an idea in their head even if they don't execute it until the last minute. 

I think you are getting a LOT of excuses from this guy & no follow through on any level.  Again, unless you want a lifetime of this, bail now. 

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, prettyinpink67 said:

The thing is, I know he really sent me the money because he was the one who kept reminding me to check the transaction. And he really paid for the flowers because the website charged him and gave him a delivery date, but on the day I called them and then only they told us that they didn't cover my area and refunded his money.

So your only proof is his word?