prettyinpink67 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 what does it means when a man make promises he don't really deliver? So it was my birthday on the 4th of February. My birthday is really important to me due to a childhood trauma, I had a really bad anxiety towards my birthday. My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for a year now, will always reassure me that we will celebrate my birthday even though everybody else forgets. On the day of my birthday however, he woke up quite late, wished me a happy birthday in passing and then went cycling with his friends. Of course I was upset and communicated it with him, I thought that he would at least be excited for my birthday and leave me a birthday message or put some effort into my birthday. He apologized saying that he had been asking what I wanted for my birthday days before it so that means he cared about my birthday, and later on promised to send me some money for my gift. Days before valentine's day, he told me he had a chance to redeem his mistake and that he would get me something for valentine. To cut the story short the website he bought the flower from couldn't go through with his order, and refunded his money. He apologized to me saying that he would get me something else even though it's late. Until today though, I heard nothing about my birthday gift or valentine. I don't even need his money or that flower bouquet since I can get them myself, I'm really bummed because he promised and he didn't follow through with it. He already had some history of promising me stuff like waking up earlier to call me which he didn't follow through as well.
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 3 minutes ago, prettyinpink67 said: I had been dating for a year now, promised to send me some money for my gift. promising me stuff like waking up earlier to call me which he didn't follow through as well. Have you met in person? Is this a long distance relationship? 1
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 It means he is unreliable & doesn't care about sentimental things the way you do. In general you are incompatible. Since it's happened twice you have to assume that you will have a lifetime of this should you continue dating him. 1
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, prettyinpink67 said: My birthday is really important to me due to a childhood trauma, I had a really bad anxiety towards my birthday. My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for a year now, will always reassure me that we will celebrate my birthday even though everybody else forgets So you explained to him you have serious anxiety towards your birthday and he promised he won't disappoint you and, he does, twice. In short, you are not THAT important to this man. I am ready to bet he's not very reliable in other areas of your relationship. In a relationship when one is dealing with a childhood trauma the other partner needs to be sensitive and deliver on his promises. I don't see any reasons why your bf wouldn't be able to execute his promises, other then he is not reliable and he doesn't care that much about your personal difficulties. This sounds like a long distance relationship. It's time to realize you can do better in terms of boyfriend and you need someone local. Edited February 23, 2021 by Gaeta 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 It means he is unreliable, and will say whatever sounds good at the moment. Also means he's not investing in you and your happiness. In my experience, this indicates he does not plan to be around long-term and views the situation as temporary. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 2 hours ago, prettyinpink67 said: what does it means when a man make promises he don't really deliver? So it was my birthday on the 4th of February. My birthday is really important to me due to a childhood trauma, I had a really bad anxiety towards my birthday. My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for a year now, will always reassure me that we will celebrate my birthday even though everybody else forgets. On the day of my birthday however, he woke up quite late, wished me a happy birthday in passing and then went cycling with his friends. Of course I was upset and communicated it with him, I thought that he would at least be excited for my birthday and leave me a birthday message or put some effort into my birthday. He apologized saying that he had been asking what I wanted for my birthday days before it so that means he cared about my birthday, and later on promised to send me some money for my gift. Days before valentine's day, he told me he had a chance to redeem his mistake and that he would get me something for valentine. To cut the story short the website he bought the flower from couldn't go through with his order, and refunded his money. He apologized to me saying that he would get me something else even though it's late. Until today though, I heard nothing about my birthday gift or valentine. I don't even need his money or that flower bouquet since I can get them myself, I'm really bummed because he promised and he didn't follow through with it. He already had some history of promising me stuff like waking up earlier to call me which he didn't follow through as well. I think the fact that he went off cycling and didn't do anything with you is actually worse than no gift. Idk, I think you guys are at an impasse, just wanting and showing how much you care and how you express caring and how you measure it differently. If I was in your situation, I don't know if I would want to throw away an otherwise good relationship over someone that is just careless with gifts (which lots of people are). Like I said, it would probably bother me more than he treated the day like any normal day by leaving to go cycling and didn't alter his plans to do something together. Perhaps either the gift (or spending time) are indicative of him really not being considerate in the relationship overall and are a definitive signal of other things that happen repetitively? If so, that's serious. If not, I wouldn't weight it as such. Bolded is one thing I see wrong with what you did. That's baggage and not a good enticement to get people to honor your birthday. Try to dial it back to "birthdays mean a lot to me; I like to celebrate and gifts" Blaming it on trauma, anxiety and triggering events is a cop out IMO. Some people are full on on their birthdays because they like the attention and want to be showered with it--whether it be from close special people like a boyfriend OR from everyone. Step up to being that if that's what you want. Don't try to guilt someone or make them feel sorry for you in order to get what you need. It totally sends the wrong message about who you are & why you need what you need. You also get more from people in this scenario from not being a "broken" person who is guilt tripping them but as a person who just loves to be adored. There is a difference (negative reinforcement vs positive reinforcement; well along those lines). One question: if he had been asking you about what you wanted days before your birthday, why didn't you tell him or did you? I hope you aren't expecting a mind reader and then doing some passive aggressive stuff. You have to meet people where they are. You know this guy and have been dating him so perhaps you want him to be something he is not. 2
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: It means he is unreliable & doesn't care about sentimental things the way you do. In general you are incompatible. Since it's happened twice you have to assume that you will have a lifetime of this should you continue dating him. Agree. And as such, he shouldn't go making promises he has no intention of following through with. That's what I fault him for, not the fact he's not sentimental and doesn't place the same value on birthdays and holidays. He should have told her that instead of promising but not following through. That's just lame. That said, @prettyinpink67, your anxiety due to past trauma is your issue to fix. Not your boyfriend's. Others may disagree but I think it's wrong to place that burden on him with the expectation he should buy you gifts or do whatever on special occasions to alleviate your anxiety. I think this guy is probably done, but going forward, perhaps some therapy to help you work through the anxiety and past trauma might be a good idea. No man wants to deal with that (I'm sorry) nor should he be expected to fix that through gift-giving or spending more time with you or whatever your expectations are. I'm sorry you got disappointed and happy belated birthday! 1
smackie9 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) I think you need to express your expectations...it's not the flowers, it's not the gifts, it's time you wish to have with him that is special to you. Let him know how selfish he has been, how it has hurt you and that it feels he doesn't have any concern how it makes you feel. If this is how expresses his love to you...half assed with very little effort...maybe it's time to kick him to the curb. Edited February 23, 2021 by smackie9 2
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 2 hours ago, prettyinpink67 said: To cut the story short the website he bought the flower from couldn't go through with his order, and refunded his money. He apologized to me saying that he would get me something else even though it's late. Until today though, I heard nothing about my birthday gift or valentine. I don't Believe his story 'the website couldn't process his order', unless he lives in a tiny town with 1 flower shop that ran out of flowers on V day. Which is like almost impossible the flower shops load up on Flowers to make sure they can respond to the demand. There were other flower shops, he could have called instead of doing it online. Not only he didn't care it was important to you, he didn't want to spend that money on you. 2
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Let him know how selfish he has been, how it has hurt you and that it feels he doesn't have any concern how it makes you feel. Say this^^ and I can almost guarantee you won't be seeing him again. Accusations like that are not the way to express hurt and disappointed imo.
smackie9 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: I don't Believe his story 'the website couldn't process his order', unless he lives in a tiny town with 1 flower shop that ran out of flowers on V day. Which is like almost impossible the flower shops load up on Flowers to make sure they can respond to the demand. There were other flower shops, he could have called instead of doing it online. Not only he didn't care it was important to you, he didn't want to spend that money on you. I agree....most small grocery stores have plenty of lovely bouquets in stock so he could have easily ran out and found something beautiful. May not have the long stemmed red roses, because they do sell out weeks before, but they do have everything else. No excuse.
smackie9 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Say this^^ and I can almost guarantee you won't be seeing him again. Accusations like that are not the way to express hurt and disappointed imo. Selfish with his time I meant...the guy had nothing planned and went out with his friends instead. IMO if I was being treated like that, I wouldn't want to see HIM again. Edited February 23, 2021 by smackie9 1
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, prettyinpink67 said: So it was my birthday on the 4th of February. My birthday is really important to me due to a childhood trauma, I had a really bad anxiety towards my birthday. My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for a year now, will always reassure me that we will celebrate my birthday even though everybody else forgets. This (below) might be how your boyfriend interprets this^. You: I have past trauma, I have anxiety, you need to fix that for me by buying me a gift, spending time with me and making my birthday special. Do you think that's fair? For you to have that expectation? My thinking is if you did not place the burden of your anxieties and past trauma on him and the expectation he fix by doing whatever on your birthday, he would have wanted to celebrate your birthday with you. Not because you expected it, but because he wanted to from his heart. That said, again he was wrong to promise with no follow through, that's on him. Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 Just now, poppyfields said: You: I have past trauma, I have anxiety, you need to fix that for me by buying me a gift, spending time with me and making my day special. Do you think that's fair? For you to have that expectation? People have trauma and you accept it's something your bf or gf has to deal with. If it's too big for you to offer kindness and understanding toward that trauma then you don't date that person. Most trauma don't solved or get easier even with therapy example a woman that was raped will have to live with that trauma the rest of her life and her bf/husband will have to be understanding of that trauma. The bf/husband accepts it's part of loving that woman. We all have some level of trauma, we will never meet someone that has no issues at all with anything. Yes I think it's fair OP tells her bf, you know I've been through abandonment when I was a child, I was never given gifts, I've suffered a lot growing up and this is who I am today, I need a man that will make me feel special through my b'day and other milestones. Her boyfriend accepted that, she says so in her opening. If he accepted it then he needs to deliver on his promises. 1
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Yes I think it's fair OP tells her bf, you know I've been through abandonment when I was a child, I was never given gifts, I've suffered a lot growing up and this is who I am today, I need a man that will make me feel special through my b'day and other milestones. Her boyfriend accepted that, she says so in her opening. If he accepted it then he needs to deliver on his promises. I agree he needs to deliver on his promises, or better yet, not make such promises in the first place. He was wrong. I disagree with needing or expecting your parther to fix your anxiety/past trauma for you, by buying gifts or making birthdays and holidays special. That's your job. Generic you. It won't fix such issues anyway, it's putting a temporary band aid on them. Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields
introverted1 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 4 hours ago, prettyinpink67 said: what does it means when a man make promises he don't really deliver? So it was my birthday on the 4th of February. My birthday is really important to me due to a childhood trauma, I had a really bad anxiety towards my birthday. My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for a year now, will always reassure me that we will celebrate my birthday even though everybody else forgets. On the day of my birthday however, he woke up quite late, wished me a happy birthday in passing and then went cycling with his friends. Of course I was upset and communicated it with him, I thought that he would at least be excited for my birthday and leave me a birthday message or put some effort into my birthday. He apologized saying that he had been asking what I wanted for my birthday days before it so that means he cared about my birthday, and later on promised to send me some money for my gift. Have you two met in person? Is this relationship long distance? Did you have plans to be together on your birthday? Why would he be sending you money? 3
spiderowl Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) I guess my feeling is that you have been pressuring him about your Birthday and about Valentine's Day. Have you said that you wanted him to make it special or that you would be anxious about not receiving anything? Making someone feel they should do things to please you is not really a good dynamic; being delighted when he does it, is more positive. He will feel rewarded for thinking of you then rather than blamed. This guy does not want to feel pressured to make these gestures - which is different perhaps from him choosing to do them on his own. I think he is always going to disappoint you because he is not prepared to fit into your fantasy of him doing these things. Yes it's sad if someone does not do something special for your birthday. I get the impression you contacted him after he went out cycling with friends. Maybe he was planning to pick a present up on the way back or take you out somewhere special later? Did you give him chance to show what he was going to do or did you jump in as soon as you thought he was failing? There is nothing wrong with wanting your birthday to be special and wanting to be treated and loved on Valentine's Day. Being overly anxious about it is likely to disturb a partner though and put pressure on him. It's hard to know how to advise you really except that he does not seem to be the guy for you. While it is one thing to feel upset if your boyfriend forgets and does not make it up to you, it is another to force these days on him in advance as something he must make special for you. It is like saying, I must have a nice present for my birthday or I will know you don't love me. I know that is not what you mean. In future it is best to look at your anxiety over this and realise it is not your boyfriend's problem that you have anxiety from the past. It is not up to him to put it right or make these days extra special to pay off some debt or trauma that you experienced some time ago. If you feel your boyfriend is not caring enough or paying you enough attention, dump him and get a different boyfriend. Edited February 23, 2021 by spiderowl 1
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 42 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I disagree with needing or expecting your parther to fix your anxiety/past trauma for you, by buying gifts or making birthdays and holidays special. It's not like that in OP's story. She explained to him it's important to her. He accepted it's something she deals with and he promises she has nothing to worry about he can deliver. He accepted and made a promise, it's not her 'expecting' him to fix her, it's about him delivering on his promises. 1
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I guess my feeling is that you have been pressuring him about your Birthday and about Valentine's Day. Have you said that you wanted him to make it special or that you would be anxious about not receiving anything? Making someone feel they should do things to please you is not really a good dynamic; being delighted when he does it, it more positive. This guy does not want to feel pressured to make these gestures - which is different from perhaps him choosing to do them on his own. I think he is always going to disappoint you because he is not prepared to fit into your fantasy of him doing these things. Yes it's sad if someone does not do something special for your birthday. I get the impression you contacted him after he went out cycling with friends. Maybe he was planning to pick a present up on the way back or take you out somewhere special later? Did you give him chance to show what he was going to do or did you jump in as soon as you thought he was failing? There is nothing wrong with wanting your birthday to be special and wanting to be treated and loved on Valentine's Day. Being overly anxious about it is likely to disturb a partner though and put pressure on him. It's hard to know how to advise you really except that he does not seem to be the guy for you. While it is one thing to feel upset if your boyfriend forgets and does not make it up to you, it is another to force these days on him in advance as something he must make special for you. It is like saying, I must have a nice present for my birthday or I will know you don't love me. I know that is not what you mean. In future it is best to look at your anxiety over this and realise it is not your boyfriend's problem that you have anxiety from the past. It is not up to him to put it right or make these days extra special to pay off some debt or trauma that you experienced some time ago. If you feel your boyfriend is not caring enough or paying you enough attention, dump him and get a different boyfriend. My sentiments exactly! Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, prettyinpink67 said: My birthday is really important to me due to a childhood trauma, I had a really bad anxiety towards my birthday. My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for a year now, will always reassure me that we will celebrate my birthday even though everybody else forgets. That's not a guy under pressure. That's a guy making promises he won't keep because he's lazy. Just like not calling the flower shop for flowers is lazy, just like telling her he'll send money as a gift is lazy. ETA: We are 19 days after her b'day and nothing = lazy and we are 9 days after V day and nothing = lazy Edited February 23, 2021 by Gaeta 1
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) I agree he's lazy, no argument there. But why is he lazy, what has caused him to become lazy, unmotivated, lacking desire? That's what I and spiderowl have tried to explain. Conflicts like this don't happen in a vacuum. There is an action (her expectation he fix her anxiety), then a reaction (he feels pressured or burdened), then another reaction (she feels hurt/angry), and suddenly a breakdown. Yes he was wrong to make promises he can't keep. Not sure why he did, we'd have to ask him. But imo spiderowl said it best and the OP would be wise to read her post again and again and own her role in the breakdown, take steps to resolve her anxiety issues and not place that burden or pressure on her boyfriend to fix for her. Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) I put this in the category of *relationship needs* and we all have them. One of her relationship needs is being made feel special on her day, V day, prob Xmas day. Others have relationship needs like sharing passwords, daily communication, or words of affirmation. All these needs come from somewhere : positive or negative experiences from our past that shaped us to who we are today. OP links her 'relationship needs' to a past trauma, she verbalized it, she may have just said: for me to be happy in a relationship I need to be celebrated on important days. The crowd would have accepted it. But because she verbalized it comes from a past trauma then we switch the story on her and it's her problem, she's in the wrong, etc etc. In my next relationship one of my relationship need will be 'not secretive with his phone'. Now we all know why this has become a relationship need for me. When I meet the next man I date I won't tell him my ex was secretive, he cheated, I was betrayed etc etc. No, I will simply tell him to be happy in a relationship I need my man and I to be transparent with each other. Somehow that will be accepted by all because I will not have verbalized to him it comes from a past negative experience? Edited February 23, 2021 by Gaeta 1
ShyViolet Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 You can't just listen to people's words, you have to look at their actions. His actions are telling you loud and clear that he doesn't care much about you. He is not that into this relationship. So stop relying on him.
cleverusername Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 Unpopular opinion: not his problem, not compatible. You said you wanted him to remember your birthday, he did. That wasn't enough. He said he wanted to make it up for valentines day, he placed a flower order. That wasn't enough. It sounds like this is a LDR and you are higher maintenance then what he wants to put forward. Just move on, he clearly isn't into this LDR type deal. At best you sound like pen pals.
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