JohnJohn Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 One thing that I have just realized that has accelerated my recovery from a breakup two months ago was that I miss the situation of being in a relationship and not so much the person, who was emotionally abusive. The thought of starting over again and the whole dating process is a drag. Not to mention wondering if you will learn to love again. When you realize that it is the being in the relationship part (which could have been given to you by anyone) that you miss and not so much the person, you should recover faster. Thoughts?
augur Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 In the past, that worked for me as well John (thankfully it was awhile ago). But I think what helped more was the development of self – getting past blame and seeing things for what they where – not what they could have been. Trying not to generalize – it’s hard not to hate the whole sex of an individual that has been abusive to you when you are in or coming out of that type of relationship. it is also a good time to evaluate yourself to see if this was a situation, or a pattern (I say this because for me, it was a pattern). Now that I look at what I just said, I can see how for some this is true, for others It is not true, and yet others, it is the combination of the two . I am looking forward to hearing from all sides in regards to this matter.
slubberdegullion Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 This is brilliant. People are creatures of habit. We adapt to circumstances very quickly, and soon we're incorporating those new circumstances into our lifestyle as if it had always been like that. So when you speak of missing the relationship situation but not necessarily the other party involved, it makes a lot more sense than maybe you originally anticipated. BTW... love the avatar!
Author JohnJohn Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 Thanks for the input. To further expand on it....one must be careful that if we miss the relationship part of it so much that we do not go out and rebound right away. That is common and usually doesn't work out in the long-term. It's okay to miss being in a relationship, but it is important to learn from it and be patient for the next one and in the meantime break any patterns that we may have. Easier said than done, because as creatures of habit we naturally learn for companionship.
kitten chick Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 That's a great realization JohnJohn. I'm not sure it will help you get over things faster but it is an important realization. Many people come to the same conclusion after breaking up with someone that is emotionally abusive. Its difficult to see when you're in the situation. The bad thing about this, and I think you've fallen into this trap, is the belief that since you're over the person you should be over what has happened. When you break up with someone that you still have some respect and affection for you slowly break the habit of wanting them along with wanting the relaitonship. When you break up with someone that you now have a sour taste for you don't give yourself time to get over the relationshp and subsequently rush the process. I understand that you're struggling with this. Many of us have been there. Just try not to rush things. It's going to take you a while to get past it. Learn to be yourself on your own again. Oh and your puppy is soooo cute
Author JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 You're absolutely right, kitten. I am struggling with it, but I am doing better each day. By no means will I jump to the next relationship. I have never been that way and I don't intend to start now. I take time to heal, however hard that may be. It doesn't help that I am a tad impatient too. Imagine how rich someone would become if you could invent a pill for heartache?
smile95 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I know that I miss being with someone and having someone to love. Not so much him. I fear being alone forever. Does not help much when society looks at me oddly that i am 29 and never been married and no kids. I just have not found the right one? Is that such a horrible thing? Not to mentin the fact that the two men I dated over the last 8 yrs were jerks! I am almost the minority now that I am not divorced and childless! That helped me JOhn....thinking that I do not miss him, but someone. Thanks. I also know that I want to be wanted. Not being with someone and the ex not wanting to be a good person for me or us is a tough thing to get over too. It makes me feel better that he is the ONLY person I know that does not want me in their life. So I know that I am a good person.
Author JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 You'll be fine Beth. I know society has it's "pressures" for you to be in a certain situation. Don't worry about it and live your life to the fullest. I am older than you and have never married and have no kids either. There's nothing wrong with that. It's better to wait and make sure you find the right one than to settle. In other words it's better to be alone than to be alone in a relationship.
scobro Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 This is absolutely the deal with me I really think I miss the relationship and being part of a couple than actually missing the person "my wife".Even though I still grieve over the ending and she ended things quite out of the blue with no compassion to my feelings(hitting bars, talking to guy on the phone she is now dating 2 weeks after she ended her marriage and I still am living in the house and broken hearted) I came to realize I was very needy of her when we first met 3 years ago and that is something i will fix for the next relationship.
jomaxfury Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 I think we all learn from relationships...I have become a stronger person because the next girl will definitely be love 100x more than my ex. But also I learned that giving people the space they want is necessary. Next time I see the red flags and warnings...all have to say to them is PEACE OUT!!!!!!LOL
Author JohnJohn Posted October 18, 2005 Author Posted October 18, 2005 I came to realize I was very needy of her when we first met 3 years ago and that is something i will fix for the next relationship. Good point. The important thing is to fix it and not fall into the same pattern. The fact that you recognize this already is a big step in the right direction. I was needy too. She caught me at just the right time in my life and then of course I was devastated when it ended. Take the time to grieve and get yourself back to where you were. When the time is right love will find you once again.
genEric Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Hey all! First post here.. JohnJohn I agree with you- When I found myself missing my ex recently I realized that I really didn't miss HER, I missed the noise around the house, the "couple" concept, the routine we shared. This realization was a bit of a relief. I went further, since I've got the time now ;-) , and made a list of things I miss about her vs. things I don't miss about her. After ten years with this woman, I only had six things that I missed. I stopped the "don't miss" list at 22! I felt a lot better after that. With that kind of perspective staring me in the face I find it kinda hard to feel sorry for myself and get the blues, ya know? If you're feeling blue and need a boost make that list- worked wonders for me! Thanks for being here all you good people.
Author JohnJohn Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 That's a great idea - a list. I'll have to try that. I'm past two months now after the breakup and still have the ups and downs but it is getting better. It's the "couple concept" that I miss, like you said. I'm just starting to date again. It's a drag but ya have to make the best of it. It's always good to meet new people even if they don't become someone you date long-term.
Outcast Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 I definitely miss the relationship rather than the person. The other thing I realized that caused such a sense of loss was that the hope was gone. When we meet someone we think will be 'the one', you think your future is set, the search is over, and you have dreams of a pleasant future in a continuing relationship that you enjoy and all those are lost when the relationship ends.
RecordProducer Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 I miss the situation of being in a relationship and not so much the person, who was emotionally abusive. BS! You were in love and you're trying to get over. This is a regular painful phase that takes time to "survive." wondering if you will learn to love againWe are either able or not to love, it's a very primitive feeling just like sucking or swallowing (not sexual ). Just because you were burnt doesn't mean you will never fall in love again. You will just avoid to fall in love with the same type of person that screwed you in the past. When you realize that it is the being in the relationship part (which could have been given to you by anyone) that you miss and not so much the person, you should recover faster. If it's not the person and if anyone can replace her, why don't you just find a replacement? Actually if this were really the case with you - that you need ANY kind of relationship and the person doesn't matter - you'd have a big problem.
scobro Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 What he means is its not just anyone its someone you are in love with but the whole concept of being a couple and or being married and the day to day of being part of a relationship is what you miss not just that person that left.So if you fall in love with someone else you might get that feeling of being a couple back and that is what a lot of people miss but you won't get the person who just left you back.
smile95 Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 What he means is its not just anyone its someone you are in love with but the whole concept of being a couple and or being married and the day to day of being part of a relationship is what you miss not just that person that left.So if you fall in love with someone else you might get that feeling of being a couple back and that is what a lot of people miss but you won't get the person who just left you back. I agree/ I think that is what JJ means.....for me it is the feeling I felt when I was in love with that person....not everyone canmake you feel that way, so you cannot just grab anyone randomly and that will fill the void......for me, I had to realize that the emotional abuse was not worth the feeling of "love " I felt. And to realize that I CAN love more than one person!
Author JohnJohn Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 What he means is its not just anyone its someone you are in love with but the whole concept of being a couple and or being married and the day to day of being part of a relationship is what you miss not just that person that left.So if you fall in love with someone else you might get that feeling of being a couple back and that is what a lot of people miss but you won't get the person who just left you back. Thanks. That's exactly what I mean. By no means am I looking to replace it. I've never been one to rebound and I don't fall in love often like some people do. It's the concept of being a couple that is missed, at least for me.
patwheel Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 I was in a 2 years relationship with lots of ups and downs that just ended. Just like most of you guys, I miss the couple part of the relationship most of all. I miss waking up, going to bed and see her. I miss us cuddling, watching tv. I miss us going to the grovery store, cooking together. I miss the routine that made us, us. I know there is no one that can replace what we had, but Ive come in terms with myself, telling myself that we'll love again, have a better, healthier, funner, more amazing relationship, since we know what we want. Lately, I've been hanging out with my best friend who happens to be single also, and were just talking about missing the affection that we had when we were in a relationship. A friend can help let it all out, just like this board can help venting; however, the real help and "cure" to our heartaches might be just letting go and think about ourselves. We've all given up a lot while we were in our relationship, and what we should all be focusing on is ourselves. On the rebound relationship? My guess is that it's a quick band aid that will help for a little bit, but will have to be taken off someday or another. I was at a bar yesterday, having a great conversation with this girl, but all this time, I was still feeling like I was in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and I started feeling guilty. Time will help us all heal.
Author JohnJohn Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 however, the real help and "cure" to our heartaches might be just letting go and think about ourselves. We've all given up a lot while we were in our relationship, and what we should all be focusing on is ourselves. You bring up an excellent point here. I've been doing this myself nd just letting time take care of things. It's still hard but it gets a little easier each day. On the rebound relationship? My guess is that it's a quick band aid that will help for a little bit, but will have to be taken off someday or another. I was at a bar yesterday, having a great conversation with this girl, but all this time, I was still feeling like I was in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and I started feeling guilty. Time will help us all heal. I know what you mean. I've just started dating again myself. It feels different but I am just taking it slow. The feeling guilty part is natural because, whether it is consciously oe sub-consciously, you are making comparisons to the ex.
Kathline Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 Hi y'all. I realized very soon after my break up that it wasn't so much him that I missed as it was the habit of him. I'm well into the 2nd month and still on the roller coaster although it is better. I haven't started dating again yet and in the past, I've started dating again right away. I realize that doesn't allow any time to mourn the relationship but no other break up has been this hard on me, either. I gave more and put up with more in this relationship than I ever have and I guess it feels like the whole falling out of love thing was an extremely long way down. I am not looking forward to starting all over again either. I had never thought of it as losing hope. That actually makes a whole bunch of sense. Maybe realizing that we can't lose hope, that it has endured since dirt, we can just let it all go and wait with an eager curiosity to see what "hope" will bring us tomorrow. Anyway, I agree that missing the habit is primarily the problem. I've heard it only takes 30 days to break a habit... I think I'll make my countdown calendar, remove everything I can from my sight that reminds me of him or he and I, not talk about him or us or our breakup, and challenge this 30 day rule. I think I'll make the list that was mentioned here, too, so I can have some ammunition against the negative talk that creeps in to make me feel bad. Only 30 more days to go! Kathline
Author JohnJohn Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 . I haven't started dating again yet and in the past, I've started dating again right away. I realize that doesn't allow any time to mourn the relationship but no other break up has been this hard on me, either. I gave more and put up with more in this relationship than I ever have and I guess it feels like the whole falling out of love thing was an extremely long way down. I am not looking forward to starting all over again either. Interesting point. I'm a little over two months out and just started dating a few weeks ago. I've done the right away thing, yet have waited even longer in some circumstances as well. I guess it just depends on the breakup and where you are at that point in time. As I have gotten older, I take more time to mourn it than I did when I was younger. And also as I get older, breakups seem to be harder to take and recover from. Perhaps that's because I invest more in relationships emotionally now than before. Anyone else feel the same?
scobro Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 I'm a little over two months out and just started dating a few weeks ago. I am three months out and 1 month of physical separation i honestly could not function on a date I would be a mess I can barely talk to a female without thinking of my ex and we were only married 2 years.I am still hurting and dating seems like tha last thing I would want now.Don't you find 8 weeks a little quick?I have read on some sites not to even attempt dating for at least 6 months to a year.
Author JohnJohn Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 Don't you find 8 weeks a little quick?I have read on some sites not to even attempt dating for at least 6 months to a year. Not too much for me. My relationship, although devastating, was shorter in duration than yours - four months. I've also heard the rule of thumb that it takes half the amount of time the relationship was to get over it. Of course all situations are different. If I was in a longer relationship like yours then I'd definitely wait a lot longer. I can go out on a casual date, but I am not ready to be intimate with anyone yet. The dating has actually helped me in the sense of realizing that there are decent people out there and that life does go on after a breakup. But I am moving slowly and definitely am not looking to rebound.
heartnsoul Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 My question is...how does one decipher between missing the relationship or missing the person? I think after enough time invested the 2 become intertwined, no? Just the fact that you're thinking of your ex while dating another kind of tells me that you're actually missing the person?? Yes, JJ..I notice that getting older changes the level of emotion you invest in someone. I can't speak for everyone but I feel that there's a lot of pressure in this society to have the house, the kids, the marriage in place by a certain age. So, in the back of my mind I feel like the ol clock is tickin away. Maybe my ignorance but it also feels as if the 'pickins' get slimmer as well
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