Haerts Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Hey everyone, I've been dating this guy for 8 months, I'm 29 he's 34. We have lots in common, our personalities are quite the same, and so are our tastes, what makes it easy in many ways. We moved in together about a 3 months ago. I was a bit reluctant when he suggested that, but we were getting along so well and we both wanted to move out of the places we were at the moment, so we did it. We're both from different countries too, so we don't have family or many friends around. It felt like it would be ok to do it. The problem is that as soon as we moved in, he started to show a side of his personality that I had no idea that existed: he gets very stressed out, impatient and angry even when facing the smallest of the problems - he usually raises his voice/screams. I have noticed though that if he gets angry and I just kinda of "ignore it", it takes 2 minutes for him to go back to normal. So it's like a peak of anger that goes away quite quickly. On another note I'm pretty calm and chill so I try to not let daily stresses get on my nerves. But sometimes when he gets angry and he directs his anger towards me, I get twice as angry and that's how our fights usually start. I just don't like being disrespected, so it's hard for me to suck it up and move on. The more we fight, the more we grow apart. We're taking longer to reconcile, we're not trying to resolve things in a calm manner and things escalate quickly. We had a fight pretty much everyday last week and it happens the same way (something stresses him out, he gets angry/impatient, I get angry back, fight starts). He acknowledges this is how it starts. It's been getting more intense too: he has told me to f*** off in 3 of our recent fights and walked away. That's crossing a line for me and I've made that clear to him the first time that happened, yet that has happened twice again. Like I said, I'm normally calm and I try not to fight for any reason. We already have so much to stress about, like our jobs and life in general, we don't need a relationship to add to that. Even when he does something I've asked him to not do, I still remain patient. His job is especially very stressful and I understand that, so I try my best not to let him get more stressed about little things. Aside from that, everything else is wonderful. I can see he's very trustworthy, supportive and honest. We have so much in common too, so we get along really well (when we are not fighting). Sometimes I feel like I'm dating a male version of me. But I can feel these fights are driving me away, and driving him away too. What could we possibly do to stop fighting so much?
basil67 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 To stop fighting, he needs anger management therapy so that he can learn to deal with his frustrations and then he must commit to the change. If he won't do therapy or won't implement the suggested changes, you need to consider whether or not you're OK living like this. Food for thought if he won't commit to change: You're 29. Do you want kids one day? If so, you don't want to be wasting your precious fertile years on a guy who would be an appalling role model as a father. 2
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Haerts said: Hey everyone, I've been dating this guy for 8 months, I'm 29 he's 34. We have lots in common, our personalities are quite the same, and so are our tastes, what makes it easy in many ways. We moved in together about a 3 months ago. I was a bit reluctant when he suggested that, but we were getting along so well and we both wanted to move out of the places we were at the moment, so we did it. We're both from different countries too, so we don't have family or many friends around. It felt like it would be ok to do it. The problem is that as soon as we moved in, he started to show a side of his personality that I had no idea that existed: he gets very stressed out, impatient and angry even when facing the smallest of the problems - he usually raises his voice/screams. I have noticed though that if he gets angry and I just kinda of "ignore it", it takes 2 minutes for him to go back to normal. So it's like a peak of anger that goes away quite quickly. On another note I'm pretty calm and chill so I try to not let daily stresses get on my nerves. But sometimes when he gets angry and he directs his anger towards me, I get twice as angry and that's how our fights usually start. I just don't like being disrespected, so it's hard for he has told me to f*** off in 3 of our recent fights and walked away. That's crossing a line for me and I've made that clear to him the first time that happened, yet that has happened twice again. You should have walked out of that relationship the moment he used the F word at you the 2nd time. Now you've told him with your actions that he can disrespect you and you'll take it. If a man throws the F word at me it's o-v-e-r. No amount of nice would fix it. What you see is what you get. It's a preview of your future. Do not- l repeat do not!! Stay with a man that curses at you. Edited February 22, 2021 by Gaeta 8 1
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 12 minutes ago, basil67 said: Food for thought if he won't commit to change: You're 29. Do you want kids one day? If so, you don't want to be wasting your precious fertile years on a guy who would be an appalling role model as a father. I agree with basil, I would not want to raise children with a man who has an issue with anger management. Sure, we all get frustrated and sometimes we express that frustration - but, can you imagine how he will deal with the frustration of raising children if this is how he deals with the daily frustrations of life. Unfortunately, you moved with with him during the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. The honeymoon has ended and you have a better appreciate of the man now. With this information, it may be time to reevaluate your living arrangements... 3
smackie9 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 This is why we date...to actually get to know them, and see what kind of person they are....I would jump ship. You are only 8 months in...don't waste another minute. 6
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 You tried it out. It is not working. Now the only Q is can you get out of the lease? 1 1
poppyfields Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Haerts said: he has told me to f*** off in 3 of our recent fights and walked away. That's crossing a line for me and I've made that clear to him the first time that happened, yet that has happened twice again. Obviously, you didn't make it clear enough, did you. That's unfortunate and I'm sorry. My advice is to end this relationship. "F*** off" constitutes verbal abuse, which is not acceptable under any circumstances. And in 99.999% of cases, it doesn't get better, it gets worse. Take some time to introspect and determine why you allowed yourself to tolerate such bullshyt. For next relationship, if this ever happens again, the way to make it clear is assertively (but respectfully) telling him if he ever uses such language or speaks to you that way again, you're done. If he does, then you leave, end the relationship, period end of. The fact you allowed him to verbally abuse you in this way three times with virtually no consequences sent him the message that you're actually ok with it, even though in reality you're not. However, your remaining in the relationship told him otherwise. All the best moving forward. Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Author Haerts Posted February 23, 2021 Author Posted February 23, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: I agree with basil, I would not want to raise children with a man who has an issue with anger management. Sure, we all get frustrated and sometimes we express that frustration - but, can you imagine how he will deal with the frustration of raising children if this is how he deals with the daily frustrations of life. Unfortunately, you moved with with him during the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. The honeymoon has ended and you have a better appreciate of the man now. With this information, it may be time to reevaluate your living arrangements... I don't have any plans to have kids sometime soon, it's surely not one of my biggest dreams - I would be happy adopting, too. But you're absolutely right, I just can't see him being a good father or dealing calmly with children growing in a healthy and respectful environment. I would definitely not want my children to see me and him fighting so much, especially over trivial things. 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: You tried it out. It is not working. Now the only Q is can you get out of the lease? We would probably have to break the contract and pay a fee, but I'm happy to pay part of it if that's what it has to be. 27 minutes ago, poppyfields said: The fact you allowed him to verbally abuse you in this way three times with virtually no consequences sent him the message that you're actually ok with it, even though in reality you're not. However, your remaining in the relationship told him otherwise. I see it now. The first time I was so shocked I didn't say anything. The second time I told him he should stop talking to me that way. The third time was 2 days ago and that's when I said it's verbal abuse and I would not tolerate that again. He apologized and said he wouldn't say that anymore, but I just don't know if I can believe that. Should I suggest anger management therapy for him, as @basil67 said, and make it like an ultimatum? And give him a last chance to see how whether this can be improved or not... that's really the only thing about him that is creating conflict in our relationship. If I can see that he's working on that, I would stay a little longer to see how it goes... I know it sounds like I don't wanna let him go, it's just not that easy to break up and move on. Thanks everyone for your input. 1
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) @Haerts: It's 8 months. In the grand picture it's nothing. Don't make his problems yours. No don't believe he won't say again. The level of anger he's experiencing doesn't stop easy and even with anger management he may never be able to control his impulses. Yelling, cursing, impatience, impulsive anger is a pretty serious problem. Also, usually these types of impulses will lead to physical intimidation, slamming doors, punching walls, breaking things, throwing things then it escalates to squeezing your wrists, pushing you, grabbing your arms, etc. You are standing in the doorway of an abusive relationship. Do not enter. Edited February 23, 2021 by Gaeta 3
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) Haerts, sadly, the only real motivator for him to seek treatment is if you actually ended the relationship, and walked away. That is when he'll realize you mean business and won't tolerate it. Sticking around, getting mad and telling him it's wrong, unfortunately won't have the same impact than if you just left. Actions are what men listen to, not words. Google abusive relationships, it almost always starts with verbal abuse such as this, and escalates to physical eventually. Educate yourself, learn as much as you can about it so you can make a thoughtful decision that's best for you. Good luck and keep us posted. Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields 1
ShyViolet Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 You've only been together 8 months. That is a very short time. At this stage a relationship should be in the honeymoon stage. Everything should be "perfect." If things are already this bad, they will only get worse. Don't wake up 5 years from now and still be stuck with this emotionally abusive man. You need to get out of this situation. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 14 hours ago, Haerts said: It's been getting more intense too: he has told me to f*** off in 3 of our recent fights and walked away. That's crossing a line for me and I've made that clear to him the first time that happened, yet that has happened twice again. Unfortunately, you're showing him that it isn't actually crossing a line for you. You're still there. He knows he can do this and you will essentially tolerate it. Personally? I would break up and move out. You've only been together 8 months and it's already falling apart. I would not waste more time or energy on something so dysfunctional. 4 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 14 hours ago, Haerts said: , I've been dating this guy for 8 months. We moved in together about a 3 months ago. Sorry this is happening. Where did you live before? Do you work full time? Read up on abusive relationships. He does it all. Quick involvement. Quick moving in. Isolating from friends and family. Mean/sweet cycles. Honeymoon period followed by trapped in a nightmare. You need to talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Look for another place to live asap. This will cycle but also escalate. He's not "stressed" or even angry. This is all about control, wearing you down and breaking you like a horse or dog. Run. 5 1
Watercolors Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 18 hours ago, Haerts said: Aside from that, everything else is wonderful. That can't be true if he's controlling you the way that he has been, since you two moved in together. As others have pointed out, he's abusing you and that's just after 8 months. You have reached a crossroads. If you stay, his abuse will continue even if you suggest anger management. If you leave, you free yourself from his abuse and control and have the opportunity to reflect on how to avoid being with abusive men in the future. 3
spiderowl Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 I think you need to move out and get out of this relationship. Your boyfriend's behaviour is unacceptable. Whether it is a lack of coping mechanisms on his part or not, it is HIS responsibility to control his temper and to treat you well. He is not doing this and you are having to tread on eggshells to deal with him. This is how abusive relationships start. The problem with most abusive relationships is that the partner is nice or lovely some of the time too. You love the good part of him. The problem is, the bad part of him is all part of the package. This is a poor deal. Please do not try to resolve this issue - you are dealing with a man with a temper. He is unlikely to change. Get out now while you can and make sure you do not give him a key to your new place. I have read far too often how guys with such a temper turn nasty when the relationship is not going their way or their partner decides to leave. Your safety comes first. Do not give him access to your new place. I think it is quite possible you are seeing the tip of the iceberg here as regards anger. Leave while you can. 1
spiderowl Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 16 hours ago, poppyfields said: Haerts, sadly, the only real motivator for him to seek treatment is if you actually ended the relationship, and walked away. That is when he'll realize you mean business and won't tolerate it. Sticking around, getting mad and telling him it's wrong, unfortunately won't have the same impact than if you just left. Actions are what men listen to, not words. Google abusive relationships, it almost always starts with verbal abuse such as this, and escalates to physical eventually. Educate yourself, learn as much as you can about it so you can make a thoughtful decision that's best for you. Good luck and keep us posted. I would add to this that you should google the 'cycle of abuse' too. What do you know about his previous relationships? I would bet his ex(s) would have some interesting stories to tell about his behaviour. Edited February 23, 2021 by spiderowl 1
smackie9 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) I have been in an abusive relationship and I can't count how many times he said "I will change" "I won't do it again". I realized it will only last a couple of weeks and he was right back at it again, over and over. Stop wasting your time. Edited February 23, 2021 by smackie9 3
Watercolors Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 34 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I have been in an abusive relationship and I can't count how many times he said "I will change" "I won't do it again". I realized it will only last a couple of weeks and he was right back at it again, over and over. Stop wasting your time. Me too. And his abuse was covert (hidden in plain sight) and overt (quite obvious). For example, if we had a disagreement, he would give me the silent treatment after yelling at me (that's overt abuse). While at his friends', he'd insult me in front of them (that's overt), or say things to undermine me or embarrass me (sarcastic cut downs, or he would pretend not to remember saying something that he said, to make me look foolish). Abusers, like leopards, never lose their spots (they never change who they are, at their core, even if they are forced to, or voluntarily seek therapy). Once an abuser, always an abuser. Abusers follow a common pattern that you've already acknowledged witnessing. Yet, because you may be codependent, you allow the abuse cycle with your boyfriend to continue, b/c you don't want to be alone. Or, you would tell him that his words and actions have crossed your threshold of safety and so that's why you're done with the relationship with him. Right now, you are still in the bargaining stage of the abuse cycle. You're hoping his lies ("I will change") are true. But they're not true. 8 months is enough to see the future with him. Since you already know he would not be a good father to your future children, what makes you think he'll be a good partner to you after 8 months, when he's already shown you for the first 8 months, that he is an abusive person. 1
Watercolors Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 18 hours ago, Haerts said: it's just not that easy to break up and move on. Actually is IS easy but you're choosing to hang on b/c he's conditioned you so well to believe his lies. What you wrote, is what ever abused woman says in the beginning, when she is "sure" she's right and everyone else is wrong about her abuser. 2
JRabbit Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 RED FLAGS WAIVING. 8 months? Time to pack up and leave. This will only get worse. 2
SaraSays Posted February 24, 2021 Posted February 24, 2021 On 2/22/2021 at 11:23 PM, Haerts said: I've been dating this guy for 8 months, I'm 29 he's 34. We have lots in common, our personalities are quite the same, and so are our tastes, what makes it easy in many ways. We moved in together about a 3 months ago. I was a bit reluctant when he suggested that, but we were getting along so well and we both wanted to move out of the places we were at the moment, so we did it. We're both from different countries too, so we don't have family or many friends around. It felt like it would be ok to do it. I am so worried for you reading this, because it's a story I've heard a million times, and you should never have experienced this. Hard to imagine the potential danger you're in, mindful you're isolated with an aggressive stranger you're now dependent on in a foreign land. Please, please be more conscious of your safety in future. Women are at great threat from male predators outside of the home, and you''ve just moved in with 1, under pressure from him. We are routinely attacked and killed by men we know, and there is yet to be enough legal and social support for us, if we do survive such an attack, that would in any way help us to rebuild our lives. I can't tell you how poor legal services are, how mishandled violent crimes against women are, how inadequate the safety-net for us is when we leave violent partners, and our single s3x spaces are currently under threat of being removed. Any man who puts a woman under pressure about anything pertaining to her safety is a predator, and a risk to us. Please don't confuse pressure with affection. This is a manipulator, a bully, a conman, a man who cannot, through being genuine and decent, grow a deep relationship slowly over time, whereby a woman would want to live with him. Violent men escalate to violence. They don't start off being violent on day 1. Over time, boundaries are broken down, and lines become blurred, until a woman becomes a shadow of her former self, isolated from any people she used to know. The best thing you could do right now is start researching safe spaces for women - refuges and support groups. You should make contact with them, and find out how to access their services. You should save enough to cover an emergency plan to leave your home. You should store all important documentation and personal effects outside of the home in a secure location. The most dangerous time for a woman with a volatile partner is when he realises she's intending to leave him. Please take this very seriously. Our lives are in great danger with such men.
Author Haerts Posted February 26, 2021 Author Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) Thanks everyone for your replies. These were very insightful and helpful. I did try to talk to him about it, and he said I was wrong for feeling so disrespected when he says "f*** you" in a fight. He agreed it's aggressive and he shouldn't say it, but it seemed like he didn't acknowledge why it's that bad. The fact that he said "I was wrong for feeling a certain way" raised another huge red flag straight away. It's clearly emotional invalidation. I told him you should never say someone is wrong for feeling something, even if you don't agree, then he disagreed again and mentioned all of these dumb examples as to why it's ok to tell someone they are wrong for what they feel. That was enough for me, and I've decided I'm breaking up with him. At very least this is a huge incompatibility. I don't believe he would hurt me physically or something, but then again at this stage, what do I actually know? So I'm looking for a place before I call it quits. And after all I was thinking what is it that's really special about him and honestly, not much. I was really thinking about the good first days when we were starting, when everything seemed to be so perfect. But these days are clearly gone, I don't know why I keep holding on to them, like he's gonna become that person again. On 2/24/2021 at 4:32 AM, spiderowl said: What do you know about his previous relationships? I would bet his ex(s) would have some interesting stories to tell about his behaviour. He doesn't talk to his ex at all. They broke up up after a year together and he told me the final reason is because he said that she was getting way too fat, she got fed up (apparently he used to criticize/judge her a lot) and broke up with him. He said that they used to fight a lot, and that he was constantly trying to change her because he didn't truly love her. I know her Instagram profile and I actually considered sending her a message to say what I'm going through right now, but I've never met her and in fact she blocked me on Instagram when she heard we were together. But I would love to speak to her about him... I do believe there's more that I should know. Just don't know if it's appropriate. Edited February 26, 2021 by Haerts 2 1
SaraSays Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 I vote against contacting her, and against you revealing what's going on, and what you plan to do, to anyone you don't have a trusted relationship with, or who is not in their official capacity supposed to help you. Remember you are in an extermely vulerable position, through being in a foreign land isolated. It's far too risky. Remember, we're most in danger when these men realise we're intending to leave them. Now's the time to be thinking of setting up a PO box for your mail, moving important documents to a safe place outside of the home, coming up with a plan that gets you out of there as swiftly as possible with as many hands helping as possible, removing all trace of you on social media whereby you, or someone else, may feed him clues about what you're doing, and where you end up. Watch some of those shows on serial k1llers. They often have a trail of family members, friends, acquaintances and neighbours, who can never accept what's been proven to be true. An abusive man isn't abusive 24 hours a day, and they don't start off that way either. Every man in history who went on to commit monstrous acts of inhumanity, resulting in the needless deaths of many, had friends, had love in their lives, might have danced to music, might have laughed at someone telling jokes... The stat's tell us we're walking amongst abusive men all day long without realising it, men with a deep desire to hurt and control us. Please get out as quickly as you can, and don't waste any more time on bargaining with him, and trying to talk it through. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 10 hours ago, Haerts said: I've decided I'm breaking up with him. I'm looking for a place before I call it quits. Good call. Absolutely get your ducks in a row and find a place asap. Don't discuss anything anymore including your exit strategy. Keep it simple and practical and when you are ready to go, just leave. Make sure your mail is forwarded, you have severed all accounts and changed all your passwords. 1
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