Frustratedwife12 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 I need to know what others would be thinking in my situation. I will try to make this as unbiased as possible so you have just the facts. I would love both men and women’s thoughts in the matter. A LITTLE BACKGROUND my husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years. I am currently with child and on bed rest so I can not go anywhere. My husband suffers from terrible migraines frequently and the only thing that seems to help is ice or cold air on his face. we have had this particular issue below a few years ago but the behavior stopped and has recently started up again THE ISSUE About 3-6 times per week my husband will leave the house between 10pm and midnight. Sometimes later. Usually because he says his head is hurting. But not always because of his head. He will either go out to his man cave and read books on his phone usually the entire night into the morning, or he will go for a drive. He says the cold wind feels good on his face while driving and helps his headaches. Lately he says he is going to a park down the road (still late at night) and says he is reading in his car under the light there. He says it is peaceful and that is why he is there. When he goes out, he is usually gone anywhere between 20 Minutes on a short drive and anywhere from 1-2.5 hours if he does a long drive before I call him and ask him to Come back. It can be up to 4-6 hours if he says he goes to the park. Keep in mind this is all between the hours of 10pm and 6am. The most usual return time is around 3 am ish lately depending on when he leaves. Lately, a few times he has said he is going to his man cave to read and I find he has left in his car. when I call him he always answers quickly. If it’s been a long time that he has been gone, he says he lost track of time. His usual drive is either around the block or down the freeway and back. (Should take about an hour tops) but sometimes it’s many hours that he’s been gone. So if he is going down the freeway and back, I don’t know why it would take so long. No matter when I call him, he says he is on his way back and is typically home in about 10-15 minutes even if it’s been several hours. I have told him this makes me uncomfortable for several reasons. 1. he is not at home with me at night and I believe a husband should be. I don’t know any other married people that do this that aren’t currently divorced because of infidelity. At least I haven’t met any. 2. I don’t know where he actually is or who he is with and it creates mistrust. Though he says he is alone and just driving or sitting. 3. I wouldn’t know if he was hurt and I stay awake worrying all Night into the morning. I don’t like him out driving at night 4. the parks are not a safe place to be at night in my opinion. He feels if I ask him or tell him I don’t want him going out at night I am being controlling. I don’t want that so I have stopped asking. He refused to stay home when I did ask in a snow storm when there is no reason to go driving at night and it isn’t safe (in my opinion). I am never allowed to go with him. He wants to be alone. He does not believe that it is inappropriate behavior for a husband or father-to-be to leave and be gone at night. That I should unconditionally trust him, what he says he is doing and where he went. COMMON QUESTIONS TO COMPLETE THE PICTURE 1.Does he shower when he gets home? -when he returns home he typically goes straight to sleep. No shower or anything except on a rare occasion. 2. Have you followed him? -I have never followed him or had him followed because he told me in the past this was unacceptable and would be grounds for divorce if he found out because it means I don’t trust him. So I just have to blindly trust though I am not ok with it and I find it to be questionable behavior that gives me a bad feeling. I am also currently on pregnancy bed rest and couldn't follow even if I wanted 3. Has he been distant? -we are physically distant due to a difficult pregnancy but physical touch has dwindled to the point that I must ask if I want him to sit next to me or hold me. Once in a while he will touch me on his own, he feels it is more frequent than I do though, but he sits across the room on his phone usually when he is home. I get a kiss when he leaves and one when he gets home and one when he goes to sleep. Not a ton more unless I specifically ask for a hug or cuddle. 4. Does he act weird with his phone? -It’s always with him but I also do that with mine cause I use it a lot. No I do not have access to it as it is a finger print lock. I could not open it if I wanted to. Yes he has access to mine and my passcode 5. any signs of drug injections? -no. He has no track marks anywhere on his body. (Yes even between the toes) 6. could he be Uber driving -no. His car is a huge, dirty mess with tools filling the seats. There is no additional income into any of our joint accounts. If you were in my position, man or woman, what would you be thinking? How would you feel? Would this create mistrust for you? Would you believe them completely? Do you think it is inappropriate for a spouse to leave the home at night and be gone for several hours frequently. Or even a couple times per week? Have you had this happen? And if so what came of it? Thanks for the input.
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Sorry to hear this. I seems like you are aware he's having affairs, but that elephant in the room hasn't been addressed yet. People with excruciating migraines or cluster or hypnic headaches do not feel like driving around or reading under artificial light. It seems like you know this as well but right now you would rather both sweep this under the rug. 7
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 My xMM used to write me (and probably others) during the middle of his night. He would tell his wife he's reading or writing his books. 1
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 There could be many reasons he is doing this. Loner personality - He is maybe just a loner type guy who likes to be out alone at night... Mental illness - Maybe he is losing it mentally Sex - he may be having an affair or he is visiting prostitutes or picking up ONSs. OR he is meeting other men for sex. Criminality - drugs - using and/or dealing, burglary, casing out premises, he is maybe meeting other ne'er do wells to carry out criminal acts. Sex crimes - peeping tom, stealing underwear, prowling about looking for victims, actual sexual assault/rape or even murder... plenty sex criminals have wives and kids at home totally in the dark... Who really knows apart from him but you have NO IDEA what he is doing and he has effectively stopped you from even trying to find out by threatening you with divorce. That in itself is a huge red flag. Why have a kid with a man this shady? I would hire a PI to follow him and find out exactly what you are dealing with here. 3
Fletch Lives Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Frustratedwife12 said: 1. he is not at home with me at night and I believe a husband should be. I don’t know any other married people that do this that aren’t currently divorced because of infidelity. At least I haven’t met any. Plenty of couples even married couples live apart and don't see each other every day. Well if he's lying there is a chance he could be cheating. Both can be signs of no integrity. But if he answers the phone immediately every time you call, it's hard to believe he could do that in the presence of another woman. The low affection is not great - do you reach for him or wait for him to touch you? I'm not saying the relationship is great, but maybe he's just getting some healthy space. Edited February 22, 2021 by Fletch Lives 1
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 26 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: But if he answers the phone immediately every time you call, it's hard to believe he could do that in the presence of another woman. He can if the other woman knows about the wife... which most do.
Fletch Lives Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: He can if the other woman knows about the wife... which most do. but isn't it rare to talk to the wife on the phone while next to the other woman? That's got to be uncomfortable for both?
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Just now, Fletch Lives said: but isn't it rare to talk to the wife on the phone while next to the other woman? That's got to be uncomfortable for both? She knows he sneaked out to see her... so keeping the wife happy and in the dark is often the name of the game...OW sign up for that kind of a thing. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) Okay it's possible but I still say that's rare and unlikely. Edited February 22, 2021 by Fletch Lives
Pumpernickel Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 He may be sneaking out to watch porn secretly.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 39 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He can if the other woman knows about the wife... which most do. Exactly!
ShyViolet Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Leaving for hours at night just to "get fresh air", hang out in the park or take a drive? He must think you're stupid. He is obviously doing something that he doesn't want you to know about. Maybe it's cheating, maybe it's something else. The question is what.
mark clemson Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) It may be exactly as he says, it may not. You won't know for sure unless you investigate, but you can't investigate without him wanting to divorce, if he finds out. Hmm. Something to consider would be: Tell him you want a chaperone for him when he does this. It's for HIS safety AND yours AND your STB child's (congrats BTW). No good will come of him getting himself shot one early morning leaving you to raise the child alone (and anyone in their right mind would see that logic IMO). Hire a PI to accompany him. A PI because you want a tough guy who can handle "alone at night" who knows law enforcement ways, etc, if necessary. Explain your entire situation to the PI. Tell your husband that "of course" the PI will give a report on what happened. The PI can keep him company for as long as he chooses to go out to the park, etc. Essentially, you're spying on him in front of his face, rather than behind his back, so that the betrayal of trust issue that he is concerned about with the spying is neutralized. Something to consider. GL. Edited February 22, 2021 by mark clemson
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 7 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Hire a PI to accompany him. He'll never agree to that. If he is up to no good, he will NOT want anyone around and if he is actually reading and getting some space, he will still not want anyone around. Suggest it and I guess he will be threatening divorce again. Just hire the PI to find out what he is actually doing. Tell no-one you are doing it. If he gets alerted to it, then the effort could be wasted. 2
mark clemson Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 14 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He'll never agree to that. Possibly he won't agree. But in that case IMO, OP, consider forbidding him from going out, for everyone's safety. He can stay in the garage. Consider telling him if he insists on taking these risks by going out, you insist on sending the chapperone, purely for everyone's safety. I suspect that the divorce thing will turn out to be a bluff if you did spy on him and he found out. But - it may not be worth taking that risk IMO if there are ways around it.
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 How on earth can she forbid him from going out? The dynamics of their marriage will not allow her to tell him what to do, else she would have stopped this years ago or at least investigated it thoroughly when it started. Now she is heavily pregnant to a guy who is acting decidedly shady... even perhaps criminally shady...
flitzanu Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 maybe he is secretly taking ballet lessons in the middle of the night and doesn't want anyone to know? the thing that stood out to me is your words about how forcefully he has commanded you not to question him, that it is grounds for divorce. he sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. and as others noted, if he has migraines i'd assume the last thing he'd want to do is drive, or be in any type of light, or read a book. i don't get migraines so i can't relate what they feel like, but those all sound very anti-migraine helpful
Author Frustratedwife12 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 He has had migraines all his life and copes with them differently than I would. I can’t function with them either but he has learned to. It is an actual medical condition and he does in fact play video games, read on his phone or drive when he is in agony. If it gets insanely bad, he will black out or go to sleep. So I can tell you it is legitimate that he can be hurting that bad and still stare at a screen for hours. I’ve watched him do it even before marriage. Though I know it doesn’t makes much sense, it’s true
lana-banana Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 It could be an affair; it could also be gambling, drug use, or something else. Whatever it is he obviously wants to keep it a secret, which is reason enough for concern. There are several ways you could try to determine his location, but as you say they all suggest a total lack of trust that could jeopardize your marriage (which is already on very shaky ground). You need to commit to counseling and outline expectations, like when he'll notify you, sharing location data with you, agreeing how often he'll be home, etc. If he can't even do that the marriage is effectively over anyway and you might as well hide your phone in his messy car.
mark clemson Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: How on earth can she forbid him from going out? Hmm. All of the below is just IMO: In normal marriages, women seem to have all sorts of ways of getting what they want. So, she could simply apply some of these. IF this is truly an abnormal situation where criminal activity, drug abuse, or affair liaisons are involved, then perhaps that wouldn't work. If he's truly doing this for health reasons, then he should (IMO) not have an issue with limiting himself to the garage or ultimately accepting a chaperone for safety purposes. If she's truly unable to convince him to either stay home/in the garage or accept chaperoning for the valid reason given, that would IMO be a red flag in an of itself, as these are not unreasonable requests given the totality of the situation.
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 12 hours ago, Frustratedwife12 said: About 3-6 times per week my husband will leave the house between 10pm and midnight. Sometimes later. Usually because he says his head is hurting. But not always because of his head. COMMON QUESTIONS TO COMPLETE THE PICTURE So it's not the headaches all the time? Where did you get this list of common questions"? They seem sort of ridiculous and don't tell you anything such as needle marks or uber driving. Who asked you these questions? Does he see doctors for this? Does he take prescription pain medication? How is his overall health? Does he drink heavily. How old is he? Is it possible he has neurological or early onset cognitive issues? What you seem terrified of is that he may be cheating, visiting prostitutes, etc. Best thing you can do is go to your doctor and get STD testing and discuss your husbands odd behavior Do you really believe he has to sit at a park in the middle of the night to read?
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 13 minutes ago, mark clemson said: n normal marriages, women seem to have all sorts of ways of getting what they want. So, she could simply apply some of these. This is not a normal marriage, he is spending 3-6 days a week prowling about at night till 3am and has threatened her with divorce if she does any investigating into how he is spending his time.... A man like that is not going to be swayed by homemade cookies, his favourite meal or even by sex... A man like that has something to hide. 3 2
Author Frustratedwife12 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: So it's not the headaches all the time? Where did you get this list of common questions"? They seem sort of ridiculous and don't tell you anything such as needle marks or uber driving. Who asked you these questions? Does he see doctors for this? Does he take prescription pain medication? How is his overall health? Does he drink heavily. How old is he? Is it possible he has neurological or early onset cognitive issues? What you seem terrified of is that he may be cheating, visiting prostitutes, etc. Best thing you can do is go to your doctor and get STD testing and discuss your husbands odd behavior Do you really believe he has to sit at a park in the middle of the night to read? They are questions I get when I talk to friends or from another forum. we have seen doctors about it. He has his entire life. Nothing works. He is early 30s. Does not drink heavily. Overall health is good. We have seen a counselor many times. He has a boarder line personality disorder I am told. But that could be anything from depression, bipolar disorder, narcissism etc. it was never an exact diagnosis. I have been tested. All negative tests. no I don’t believe he needs to be in the park. I find it ridiculous.
Author Frustratedwife12 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 55 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This is not a normal marriage, he is spending 3-6 days a week prowling about at night till 3am and has threatened her with divorce if she does any investigating into how he is spending his time.... A man like that is not going to be swayed by homemade cookies, his favourite meal or even by sex... A man like that has something to hide. Sadly I have to agree. I could offer him anything and he would not stay. I have begged and ven cried. I have always felt my request for him to stay just because I am uncomfortable should be enough for a partner that is considerate. But he considers me to be inconsiderate if I ask him to stay because it’s what he needs and I am selfish and controlling if I request he stay, in his opinion. this is per many discussions we have had about it 1
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