Larrysr516 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Hello all again, I normally don’t post here, but whenever I’m feeling down and out, I don’t have friends I can turn to so I sit here alone and quite upset with myself for who I’ve become essentially. ive made a post in the past about me being with a woman who is only 6years younger then me in the past. So here I go again with the same situation and I’m pretty sure I know what you guys will have to say but I more or less need to see it for myself. My girlfriend is 21, I’m 27. I have 2 kids, been divorced, won the house in the divorce but she got the kids. My girlfriend, no kids, lives with her parents. Been together just shy of a year. I love my kids to death. I see them 2 times during the week and every other weekend. The weekend I have them, my girlfriend avoids me. I made the mistake of introducing her to them and they loved her. Now, they haven’t seen her since the week before Halloween. It makes me so sad. She tells me she wants to move in but her actions tell me otherwise. My daughters birthday is coming up, and I planned a great little weekend getaway and she abruptly tells me she made plans. She avoids every little thing that has to do with the kids. But I get so torn because she tells me all the time she’s head over heals for me and she’d do anything for me blah blah blah. But my kids are a part of who I am. And who I am is a father first then relationship second. The other side is, if I were to break up with her, I’d be back to sitting at home all alone and I absolutely hate being alone. I have friends but they all ar married with kids and I’m just all alone, I don’t drink or smoke so I just lay in bed, don’t eat or sleep and my head just runs. What do I do? She’s the first person to show me interest since my divorce and she makes me feel as if she’s my queen but then stuff like this happens.
basil67 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 There is one thing which has changed since your last post - it's that your girlfriend says she wants to move in with you. Have you talked through the logistics with her? Logistics being that you would have the kids at your place every other weekend. Now, I agree that she's probably not ready, but talking through how she imagines this working could be really helpful for both of you to figure out whether or not you're suited.
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 At 21 years old, how prepared would you have been to settle down with a woman who had two kids? 5
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Children can tell when they're not wanted and if she moves in your children will always feel they're not wanted at your place. They're young and won't be able to explain with words what they feel is rejection. This will eventually interfere with your relationship with them. The way your gf feels about your children is normal for a young woman of 21 with no children. She may say she loves you but it's the love of a woman who just got out of her teen years, she has a lot to learn about life and love. Being depressed is not a reason to keep a woman around. You're only 27 you have an entire life in front of you and happiness doesn't end here. There are plenty of women your age, more mature that would date you. You need to see a doctor for your depression. You are self medicating your depression with dating and you will not properly heal doing that. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 I've seen people I know pretty well handle this a couple of ways. One was a divorced woman who had children and waited until they graduated from high school to marry (move in) with her man (an older father whose kids were grown). It was a long wait but she was wise. At least one of the grown kids (a wonderful person) is annoyed by the guy their mom married even though they like him, if that makes any sense. It would never have worked out. As it is the mother is now married to the older father after years of dating each other and waiting to live together. It's just it can be hard for a step parent to mix well with a child. It's even hard for a biological parent to do so at times. Add the fact of your gf's age and her maturity level (normal probably) and inexperience, it doesn't look well for success as you probably have figured out. The second situation was a woman (24) who had one young child. The couple married and I watched the new stepdad (who was twenty and had no children) struggle with trying to be a father. Though he tried to do his best he was, IMO, a very hard disciplinarian. The child grew up with all kinds of issues (not saying it was the step dad's fault but from how he treated the child I believe it contributed), has been in and out of prison, etc., this is coming from a home who had every financial and educational advantage anyone could ever want. It's tough even for the best to be a step parent. But, some can do it and do a great job. However, it's a challenge for most, it seems. I hate this for you. But, have you considered waiting until the children are much older to cohabit?
Trail Blazer Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: At 21 years old, how prepared would you have been to settle down with a woman who had two kids? Perhaps that's the question his girlfriend needs to figure out before she decides to move in! There's not much more OP can do. She knows the deal.
Author Larrysr516 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: At 21 years old, how prepared would you have been to settle down with a woman who had two kids? I did. My ex wife and I got together when I was 17-she was 18 and she had a 4 month old at the time. I took him under my wing and did what I had to do. He still comes over from time to time over the weekends I have my kids over. He has his father but sometimes he wants to hang out with me as well. He’s 11 now and my ex wife has no issues for letting me have him whenever he wants to get away.
Fletch Lives Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Well, divorce is tough in many ways. Some new partner you meet might not like kids - at least somebody else's kids. I would consider just seeing her when you don't have the kids and enjoy your relationship that way.
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 4 hours ago, Larrysr516 said: I did. My ex wife and I got together when I was 17-she was 18 But your gf is not you. She doesn't have it in her to be a step mother, let her go. 5
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 5 hours ago, Larrysr516 said: My ex wife and I got together when I was 17-she was 18 and she had a 4 month old at the time. That’s perhaps why you have the expectation that your girlfriend should move in. I would respectfully suggest that not many 21 year olds want to move in with a man and raise his two kids. It’s the exception, not the norm. 1
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 She wants to move in and "play house" with you, but she doesn't want anything to do with your kids, that is obvious. 13 hours ago, Larrysr516 said: The weekend I have them, my girlfriend avoids me. 13 hours ago, Larrysr516 said: My daughters birthday is coming up, and I planned a great little weekend getaway and she abruptly tells me she made plans. She avoids every little thing that has to do with the kids. Being a step parent is a very difficult job, a person needs to be fully on board. This girl is NOT on board. End it before she does some serious damage to your kids. 1
ShyViolet Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 13 hours ago, Larrysr516 said: The other side is, if I were to break up with her, I’d be back to sitting at home all alone and I absolutely hate being alone. This is NOT a reason to stay with someone. If she has no interest in being a "step-mom" and doesn't want anything to do with your kids, then you should not have her move in. As a father your first and foremost responsibility is to do what is best for your kids and protect them. Bringing someone into your home who doesn't particularly like them and has no interest in them will be harmful to their emotional well-being. It's not right. She's only 21. She's immature. She is not being honest with herself or not aware about the consequences of her actions. She is really into you and wants to move in with you, but she's not understanding that she shouldn't enter into a serious relationship with a man who has kids, if she has no interest in having anything to do with the kids. She doesn't seem to understand that it can't work. So you need to be the more mature person and set boundaries. Also, she lives with her parents and is probably itching to get out of her parents' house. She might be pushing to move in with you because she sees this as an opportunity to get out of her parents' house, even if it isn't quite right. When I was in my early 20's, I was living in my parents' house and I left home to move in with a boyfriend. There were reasons why moving in with this boyfriend was a stupid idea, but I wasn't thinking clearly and I was probably more motivated to get out of my parent's house than anything else. Of course it didn't last. If you're happy with this girl then continue seeing her casually, but don't let her move in. Edited February 22, 2021 by ShyViolet 3
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) Quote While she hangs with friends, smoking weed, drinking or whatever fun stuff we all used to do when we were her age, I’m home sleeping because I have work the next day. She has a hard time grasping I have an ex wife I have to deal with. She’s even told me before that she’s still trying to handle all of that. From your previous post. Your friends have told you that she is not ready to get serious with you. I think you know she is not ready but you are having a difficult time accepting this truth. You are the kind of guy who likes to have a woman in his life and that’s ok. But, it puts you at risk of making a poor decision because you are lonely. And now, you have two little ones that you need to consider. In their little lives, these children have endured the divorce of their parents which means that they don’t need people coming and going from their lives - that will be extremely harmful to their well-being. You say that you are head over heels for this 21 year old woman, but there is so much more to consider here. You have one chance to get this right for your children, chose wisely. Edited February 22, 2021 by BaileyB 1
smackie9 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) Ya ya I get it, pandemic, the sex is great, dating sucks, being alone, what else can you do with your time, etc. man up and realize your kids come first, and that means finding a partner that loves your kids, and wants to be a part of their lives, because they come as a package deal. This girl is not interested in being a step mom. Why she's not bailing on you is a mystery...maybe she is in it because she doesn't want to be alone, pandemic, dating sucks, etc. You both are in it for the WRONG reasons. This is an empty shell of a relationship of just attraction/infatuation/sex. It would be different if you were never been a divorce dad with kids. You have to pick who you want to be your gf better. Edited February 22, 2021 by smackie9 3
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, Larrysr516 said: My girlfriend is 21,, no kids, lives with her parents. Been together just shy of a year. Ok, she's smart to allow you to have your kids to yourself on weekends and not allow them to get attached to her too soon. Also she is way too young to be cast into this role. She may not want to babysit or play stepmom or do family time at 21 years old. Keep in mind her peer group are out having fun, partying etc, not home with 2 kids. Enjoy each other on the weekends you don't have your children Edited February 22, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Author Larrysr516 Posted February 26, 2021 Author Posted February 26, 2021 Alright guys I’m sorry I don’t reply back fast, between working 14 hour days and the kids, I’ve had little time to myself to reply the last few days... But here’s a little update. We got into a huge argument because she kept saying “I wanna move in with you, I can’t wait to live with you, etc” and she bought it up again a few nights ago and she hit me with “now I’ve realized I’m 21, I can’t live with you, I want to be with you but I can’t live with you anymore.” So I’ve had enough of the back and fourth she’s put me through the last few months. So very calm and cool minded, I told her she deserves to live her life. I told her to go out there and see what the world has to offer for her, I wished her luck and we haven’t spoken for about 2-3 days. I won’t lie, I miss her like crazy. So many times I want to text her to see how she’s doing but I won’t even do that to myself. She wants to be with me, but doesn’t want to accept the fact of what is also entailed to be with me. So, I’m back to figuring myself out. I have friends but they’re all married or in relationships with kids of their own. So I just remain home alone till I figure out what to do with myself.
Author Larrysr516 Posted February 26, 2021 Author Posted February 26, 2021 On 2/22/2021 at 9:36 AM, ShyViolet said: Also, she lives with her parents and is probably itching to get out of her parents' house. She might be pushing to move in with you because she sees this as an opportunity to get out of her parents' house, even if it isn't quite right. It’s actually the opposite. She was fighting to stay home as of a few days ago. The reasoning? Because I live 45 minutes away from her and her friends wouldn’t come to see her. So as I saw she was so worried about her friends, I had to just let go. Even though it caused me a little heart break on my end and definitely her end too
mortensorchid Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 This is sticky - kids in the picture are in the picture. I'd suggest the simplest of answers to this... Directly ask her if she likes kids and specifically if she likes your kids or not. I knew a couple (now divorced) where the husband had kids from his first marriage but his 2nd wife didn't let them stay with them when it was his weekend with them. Her answer is important in this situation.
mortensorchid Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 10 minutes ago, Larrysr516 said: Alright guys I’m sorry I don’t reply back fast, between working 14 hour days and the kids, I’ve had little time to myself to reply the last few days... But here’s a little update. We got into a huge argument because she kept saying “I wanna move in with you, I can’t wait to live with you, etc” and she bought it up again a few nights ago and she hit me with “now I’ve realized I’m 21, I can’t live with you, I want to be with you but I can’t live with you anymore.” So I’ve had enough of the back and fourth she’s put me through the last few months. So very calm and cool minded, I told her she deserves to live her life. I told her to go out there and see what the world has to offer for her, I wished her luck and we haven’t spoken for about 2-3 days. I won’t lie, I miss her like crazy. So many times I want to text her to see how she’s doing but I won’t even do that to myself. She wants to be with me, but doesn’t want to accept the fact of what is also entailed to be with me. So, I’m back to figuring myself out. I have friends but they’re all married or in relationships with kids of their own. So I just remain home alone till I figure out what to do with myself. Oh... Well I guess that's the answer then. Sorry it didn't work but now you know.
mark clemson Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) 56 minutes ago, Larrysr516 said: But here’s a little update. Sad but clearly necessary. You sensed the writing on the wall here before you even posted. I don't think it's controversial to say 21 is too young to be a stepmom for most women... Edited February 26, 2021 by mark clemson
Miss Spider Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 She’s 21. She wants to be having fun and enjoying her life. Not tied down to the responsibility of someone else’s kids. Can you blame her 2
elaine567 Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 The issue is not a 21 year old who doesn't want to be a stepmum, the issue is why a 27yo with 2 kids would ever think a 21yo would want to do that... 3
Maldives Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 I was a single guy no kids who dated a woman with kids three to be exact but two who lived with us at one stage. I kinda know where she's coming from. It's a very tough adjustment being a step parent. She is wavering on that. I was the same to some extent dreaded when we had the kids some weekends but the kids were great. We eventually split partly because of the kids. In the end I had regrets and I miss them a lot. Although at the time it was hard. The ex hovered around like a helicopter it was hard to make plans to travel etc. Not much you can do in this situation you will have to let her come to her own conclusions regarding if that's what she wants for herself in a relationship. I couldnt fully commit and 6 yrs went by. You also have a choice here and how much time your willing to allow to pass by and how its making you feel etc. Do try and understand it is extremely difficult for someone else especially with no kids to take on someone else's kids. It's not easy and she's very young 21 she has her whole life ahead of her. You may be better off cutting your losses with her at this stage.
BaileyB Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 I’m sorry to hear that it’s done, but not surprised. It’s the right decision. Just want you take heart, you seem like a really good guy and a good dad - there are many woman would want to have you and your children in their lives. But, you need to find a woman who is at a similar stage in life. Give it time and then ask your friends who they know. Until that day, love your children. Best wishes. 1
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