Single and happy?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Don't fall into that trap, FOMO, it's all an illusion. Sure they have babies and hot husbands. But behind the scenes, those 'hot husbands' probably use fake tanner or are very vain and have small penises. Or, the babies are colicky and cost a fortune and no the mom and dad spent the kid's college fund already on sending them to expensive elementary and high schools. Those are the details that FOMO glosses over. Don't FOMO yourself. You're happy and that's all that matters. 

Awwwwww c'mon lol.

There are hot husbands that are real with normal body parts lol

There are easy babies

Last I looked public schools were full. 

[Miss Spider]

^ lol yea but not necessarily. They could be perfectly awesome  husbands with big D’s and good babies. I have lots of friends with great husbands and I’ve been in rships with guys that would make great husbands.  But no. Surfer girl should not let anyone else’s life detract from her happiness if she’s happy. I think what if’s are normal for a lot of people 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[winny]

2 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

Maybe we're different here, but from my only relationship experience the joy for me came from being able to care for someone and make them happy. Maybe this is just a guy thing, but I got a profound sense of purpose from being there for her--that is, when she wasn't shutting me out. When two people make compromises it gives a sense of mutual caring, and I love caring and being cared for. It's not about the pleasure that the other can give me, more so that we can help each other through the bad times. 

Its an illusion to think that you can “make” someone happy. But I agree some people need another person to feel “happy” and get thru those bad days. Assuming thats love or thats a mandatory thing for everyone out there is incorrect. 

[winny]

6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

^ lol yea but not necessarily. They could be perfectly awesome  husbands with big D’s and good babies. I have lots of friends with great husbands and I’ve been in rships with guys that would make great husbands.  

Yes of course there are great relationships out there. Healthy ones too! I guess the point is that not everyone needs it. Its not a requirement for a fulfilling life. Also, it is not a guarantee for eternal happiness and success. We have been conditioned to believe that. At some point in ancient history someone thought a man and woman should get married and share a bed for whole life LOL and thats the best thing... it definitely has its pros but can we please allow those who want to be single to live peacefully without being judged ha ha and accept that there are other ways to a fulfilling life that doesn’t require one to be with another human being..

Edited February 23, 2021 by winny

[Miss Spider]

I had a ex who I made happy. Like he was not happy without me and that’s a totally unhealthy dynamic. He stalks me to this day
 

I interpreted thunder’s comment a little different though. Like with my current bf, he wasn’t feeling well ( not COVID-19), so I went to his place & took care of him. It lifted his spirits and made me feel happy I made a difference

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, winny said:

The part that I don’t like is if you are single,  how everyone assumes that you must be sad and lonely and leading a boring life. Or that you are dying to find someone or have kids. People look at you with pity. Recently a good friend said to me how he thinks I don’t have a support system and he is proud that I can still live my life without it. Frankly I never thought of not having a support system LOL everything I want is at my finger tips ... but looks like thats how some people perceive you if you are a woman and single. Women are still looked as people who need support..! 

That's very true!  That's when you learn to not give a shyt what others think about you and dance to your own drummer.  During the times when I was single, including currently, that's what I do.  Let them look at me with pity, I honestly don't give a rat's arse, seriously.

I pity them actually, for believing that relationships are the be-all-end-all to one's existence.

They're not, or shouldn't be.  A relationship with someone we love should enhance our already happy and fulfilling life, not be our life.

I also believe if one is not happy and fulfilled on their own, they make poor partners for a long term relationship.

 

 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, winny said:

Yes of course there are great relationships out there. Healthy ones too! I guess the point is that not everyone needs it. Its not a requirement for a fulfilling life. Also, it is not a guarantee for eternal happiness and success. We have been conditioned to believe that. At some point in ancient history someone thought a man and woman should get married and share a bed for whole life LOL and thats the best thing... it definitely has its pros but can we please allow those who want to be single to live peacefully without being judged ha ha and accept that there are other ways to a fulfilling life that doesn’t require one to be with another human being..

I completely agree. The history of marriage is actually very not romantic at all... only quite recently became romantic. I think life partnerships work for A LOT of people and actually they are a marker for successful societies ( societies with monogamous relationships + marriage have better economy,  lower std rates, lower crime etc . There have been studies) However, it’s not for everyone because I speak from personal experience that I’m extremely happy being single and don’t feel like I miss out on anything as long as I have guys I’m dating in my life when I want ... because I’m a sucker for the chase, romance , the spark, the infatuation, all that stuff. It’s fun. Makes me happy. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[winny]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

There are goods in being single but then like anything else there is the other side of the coin.

You got to face everything on your own, your hardships, disappointments, illnesses, losses, just like you celebrate on your own your success, happy moments, your milestones. 

First of all... some people are actually strong enough to deal with bad times on their own. Secondly.. most of the times you don’t have to face them alone..! You have your friends and family. In fact they are the people who stay with you all your life. Marriages can end. Relationships can break up.. kids can leave you.. but friends and family are forever. Invest in good friendships. 
 

Lets not scare people with the “you will be all alone” story.. a reason why most people get into relationships and marriages.

Edited February 23, 2021 by winny

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, winny said:

First of all... some people are actually strong enough to deal with bad times on their own. Secondly.. most of the times you don’t have to face them alone..! You have your friends and family. In fact they are the people who stay with you all your life. Marriages can end. Relationships can break up.. kids can leave you.. but friends and family are forever. Invest in good friendships. 

Eventually friends and family leave too. Friends have their own bf and kids, siblings retire far away under the sun, your parents die, your dog die....I think I didn't spend enough time in the coping section. 

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, winny said:

Yes of course there are great relationships out there. Healthy ones too! I guess the point is that not everyone needs it. Its not a requirement for a fulfilling life. Also, it is not a guarantee for eternal happiness and success. We have been conditioned to believe that. At some point in ancient history someone thought a man and woman should get married and share a bed for whole life LOL and thats the best thing... it definitely has its pros but can we please allow those who want to be single to live peacefully without being judged ha ha and accept that there are other ways to a fulfilling life that doesn’t require one to be with another human being..

Amen sista, that's what I plan to do.  Once I get my law degree, I plan to change the world!  LOL, not really but I have this strong urge to somehow make a difference and give back.  That is what will fill me up I think, more so than relying on a man or relationship to do that for me.

I probably will fall in love again and desire another relationship eventually, but it's going to be very unconventional, with lots of freedom to pursue my own goals and vice versa.

 

Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Um older person here. I LOVE being single and am not in the least handicapped by my solo life. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. And, if I need help, there are always community resources I can reach out to for that. It sounds like you didn't like being single and prefer to be in relationships for the security? You can do "stuff on your own" at any age. The only real barrier to accomplishing anything past age 50 would be serious dementia or a terminal illness that prevents you from being able to do anything. 

No, I'm a very independent person, emotionally and financially, so I don't need security provided by someone else, but as I got older I just craved the companionship of a partner rather than relying on friends for social interaction.  I absolutely hear you re: not being told what to do, etc, but that's the residue of encountering obnoxious men, (I had the same, hence 20 years single). It literally took me years before I found someone I had all the right click with, there was no rush, (and it is hard finding a man who is neither a simpering doormat nor a domineering sexist tool).  Like you I was planning a retirement alone somewhere OS, (Vanuatu was my choice  ),  but I admit that seeing an older female friend struggling with loneliness did have an impact on my thinking about the future and my attitude to committed relationships, and made me question whether I was really single by choice or as an act of rebellion against a sexist society. 

[Miss Spider]

I guess it doesn’t matter what way you come to the conclusion that you are happy being single. If you are, then you are. And that’s the way that you should live. Oftentimes I see women who have had bad experiences with men whether through divorce or whatnot swearing relationships off because they’re sworn men off, even though deep down they are relationship-oriented people who love men ... they just feel like their bad experience will repeat itself and they don’t want that. And I that’s very sad.. and the wrong way to live.. because not all men are controlling, or needy, or cheaters, or abusers etc etc. There are great men out there who are more than capable of loving relationships, so I think if someone is single only because of some kind of low key misandry or just given up,  they might not be truly happy single, even if they think they are happiER ... 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Thunder27]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I guess it doesn’t matter what way you come to the conclusion that you were happy being single. If you are, then you are. And that’s the way that you should live. Oftentimes I see women who have had bad experiences with men whether through divorce or whatnot swearing relationships off because they’re sworn men off, even though deep down they are relationship-oriented people who love men ... they just feel like their bad experience will repeat itself and they don’t want that. And I that’s very sad.. and the wrong way to live.. because not all men are controlling, or needy, or cheaters, or abusers etc etc. There are great men out there who are more than capable of loving relationships, so I think if someone is single only because of some kind of low key misandry , they prob won’t  be truly happy single, even if they think they are happiER ... 

This goes on both sides. I'm young but male friends around me have a similar mindset as well--they have all been burned. I almost feel like giving up myself at times because of what happened. I think that the majority or at least half of people are not relationship material either because they hurt people or they were hurt themselves and left jaded. It's pretty sad, and I'm fairly pessimistic at times. Trying to stay positive. 

[Thunder27]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I had a ex who I made happy. Like he was not happy without me and that’s a totally unhealthy dynamic. He stalks me to this day
 

I interpreted thunder’s comment a little different though. Like with my current bf, he wasn’t feeling well ( not COVID-19), so I went to his place & took care of him. It lifted his spirits and made me feel happy I made a difference

Yes, this is what I meant. Sending her flowers when she was stressed, making sure she ate, listening to her tell me her problems; all that stuff is very sweet and I loved it. Exactly what you said at the end. Maybe it sounds weak or lame but it's like a fire was ignited in me to be there for her and that drove me in all aspects of my life. 

[Thunder27]

4 hours ago, winny said:

The part that I don’t like is if you are single,  how everyone assumes that you must be sad and lonely and leading a boring life. Or that you are dying to find someone or have kids. People look at you with pity. Recently a good friend said to me how he thinks I don’t have a support system and he is proud that I can still live my life without it. Frankly I never thought of not having a support system LOL everything I want is at my finger tips ... but looks like thats how some people perceive you if you are a woman and single. Women are still looked as people who need support..! What gives?! LOL I didn’t argue with him but I realized people of newer generations still think singlehood as something wrong or unnatural and for women it is even worse. But like I said before.. for me.. all my highest points of personal and professional accomplishments have come when I am single. It has allowed me to try new things. To focus better. To think out of the box. To improve inner strength and be self reliant. In turn develop more courage and confidence. Let go of neediness and have self belief. All these things actually help if you ever decide to be in a relationship. 

Maybe it is worse for women to be single, I don't know, but keep in mind that being called an "Incel" and "virgin" are some of the most common insults towards men. And I have experienced the pity and it's humiliating, they make me feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do hookups or because I havn't found someone yet. As guy it's like your weak, low quality, or people make jokes that you must be gay. There's almost some sort of insecurity from these people. 

And in my case I was so nervous about telling my family and friends that I was in a relationship in case it fell apart. And guess what? 2 months later she breaks up with me. It's embarrassing. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Thunder27

[poppyfields]

I think, ideally, everyone should be happy being single, unless and until they meet that special someone who makes them not want to be single. 

Not "the one" cause I don't believe in that.  I think we might meet lots of "the ones" throughout our lives; he/she is "the one" at that point and time, and you should enjoy it, cherish it, cherish them, cherish the relationship.

They may continue being "the one" for a short while, a long while or forever. 

If it ends, you will find another "the one."

In the meantime, embrace your singleness, enjoy your life!  

Learn to be selfish, it's okay! 

This is one of the biggest things I have learned to date -- it's okay to be selfish and to think only of ourselves.

 

 

 

[Trail Blazer]

It's clear to me from what a lot of people have posted in the last couple of pages that there's a lot of jaded people around.  

It's okay to be single.  It's good for a lot of people to remain single.  Too many people date when they should remain single and work on themselves.

Just as those who are in a relationship, or use OLD to find a relationship, there's nothing wrong with either of those groups, too.

The world is just a horrible cesspool of judgy people.  Judgy, presumptuous people who project their own pain and insecurities onto others, proliferating the situation.

People don't hate being in relationships.  People just hate being in relationships with the wrong people.  We've all been in a relationship where, at some point in time, we were happier than we ever have been as a single.

Let's face it; it's pretty darn hard to find the right person for the long-term.  It's a lot safer to remain single and for many, the highs of a relationship aren't worth it to risk enduring the lows.

 

 

[Thunder27]

8 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's clear to me from what a lot of people have posted in the last couple of pages that there's a lot of jaded people around.  

It's okay to be single.  It's good for a lot of people to remain single.  Too many people date when they should remain single and work on themselves.

Just as those who are in a relationship, or use OLD to find a relationship, there's nothing wrong with either of those groups, too.

The world is just a horrible cesspool of judgy people.  Judgy, presumptuous people who project their own pain and insecurities onto others, proliferating the situation.

People don't hate being in relationships.  People just hate being in relationships with the wrong people.  We've all been in a relationship where, at some point in time, we were happier than we ever have been as a single.

Let's face it; it's pretty darn hard to find the right person for the long-term.  It's a lot safer to remain single and for many, the highs of a relationship aren't worth it to risk enduring the lows.

 

 

Well put. Agreed! The 2 months where I felt what it was like to be in a loving relationship were the best months of my life. But the last two, as well as the fallout, were the worst of my life. It's risky, but I think it's still worth trying. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Thunder27

[Miss Spider]

15 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

 

 

 

1 hour ago, Thunder27 said:

Yes, this is what I meant. Sending her flowers when she was stressed, making sure she ate, listening to her tell me her problems; all that stuff is very sweet and I loved it. Exactly what you said at the end. Maybe it sounds weak or lame but it's like a fire was ignited in me to be there for her and that drove me in all aspects of my life. 

No. It’s not weak or lame. It’s actually very cool. I know a lot of people that actually love to do stuff for others. That gives them more joy than anything else. I am not one of those people lol I’m not gonna lie. I did it for my BF because I do dearly care for him. I spent a good while and thought on the care pack I made, made chick noodle soup, risked my own health,  & it’s totally worth it ... I’m ngl though, if I was single and didn’t have to do any of that you would hear no complaints from me. The best moments in any of my relationships can be accomplished by dating. The feeling of love and infatuation I have all had in phases before I was even committed/tied to the person. But up there in the best moments I’ve ever had .. those feelings coupled with where I was at, what I was doing etc  

Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Thunder27]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

 

No. It’s not weak or lame. It’s actually very cool. I know a lot of people that actually love to do stuff for others. That gives them more joy than anything else. I am not one of those people lol I’m not gonna lie. I did it for my BF because I do dearly care for him. I spent a good while and thought on the care pack I made, made chick noodle soup, risked my own health,  & it’s totally worth it ... I’m ngl though, if I was single and didn’t have to do any of that you would hear no complaints from me. The best moments in any of my relationships can be accomplished by dating. The feeling of love and infatuation I have all had in phases before I was even committed/tied to the person. 

Lol fair enough, I get that. If I wasn't in love it probably wouldn't have been as important tbh. And giving does have its draw backs, especially when it's not reciprocated. 

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Thunder27 said:

Maybe it is worse for women to be single, I don't know, but keep in mind that being called an "Incel" and "virgin" are some of the most common insults towards men. And I have experienced the pity and it's humiliating, they make me feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do hookups or because I havn't found someone yet. As guy it's like your weak, low quality, or people make jokes that you must be gay. There's almost some sort of insecurity from these people. 

And in my case I was so nervous about telling my family and friends that I was in a relationship in case it fell apart. And guess what? 2 months later she breaks up with me. It's embarrassing. 

This stems from an early age.  From experiencing one's first crush in Elementary school, to witnessing/hearing about someone in your social group's first kiss in Middle school, to the pressure of losing one's virginity before prom night. 

If young people weren't already acutely aware of this, then films like American Pie prop up this notion of defined self-worth (for males mainly) based entirely around their ability to pick up.

The key to happiness in life is to just no GAF about what others think.  I don't know how old you are (I'm guessing quite young), but it becomes easier as you get older to just not give a damn about the same tired old judgements that people trott out.

It sounds like your previous relationship was riddled with self-doubt, with your reluctance to share your new relationship with your family to save yourself from the prospect of embarassment should it all fall apart, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

The key to happiness in life is to just no GAF about what others think. 

I agree with this^^, I posted earlier:

>>That's when you learn to not give a shyt what others think about you and dance to your own drummer. 

This mindset has served me so well over the years; it's not easy getting to that place but once you're there, it's so very freeing, you have no idea!

Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[MrPlop]

4 hours ago, surfergal87 said:

Ouch . this is me right now. 

I'm 33 and it's been a while since my last relationship. I wont say I'm picky,  I was just constantly travelling/ moving and I grew so comfortable being alone. Like I forgot what's like being with someone. Is that considered bad? I make my own money, I get on well with my family and have few close friends so I don't feel lonely. I like my job, I've got hobbies, I read books, I enjoy cooking ..So yeah, I feel pretty damn happy in day to day life. 

But this one time,  this last summer, we had family barbecue with my cousins. They were there with their hot husbands, cute babies and all seemed super happy - it was the first time in a I really long time I wanted a relationship. I wanted what they had. I felt like I'm missing out on something great and spent a whole night thinking about it. 

But then, the next day I woke up and went back to my ''old way''. 

I think if you ever decide to be with someone again just remember you must be willing to compromise I guess

[Thunder27]

13 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

The key to happiness in life is to just no GAF about what others think.  I don't know how old you are (I'm guessing quite young), but it becomes easier as you get older to just not give a damn about the same tired old judgements that people trott out

Yeah no worries, I didn't care much at the time. There were a handful of times I could have hooked up but it genuinely did not interest me. Maybe it's odd but it seems gross to me. And I'm 20, so kind of young. I have my values and I never let anyone pressure me into doing something I didn't want to do,id simply say no. 

13 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

t sounds like your previous relationship was riddled with self-doubt, with your reluctance to share your new relationship with your family to save yourself from the prospect of embarassment should it all fall apart, a self-fulfilling prophecy

Hmm I'm not too sure. When we became official I was actually too comfortable if anything, I just assumed it would work out. Even after the break up I was genuinly confident she would comeback. In the beginning I went in assuming it wouldn't work out just to save myself the disappointment. 

You can read my post if you like. I'm sure you will have a thing or two to say about it lol. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Thunder27

[CollinW]

7 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

lol harsh but lots of truth especially the bolded, which some people treat it like 100% in their expectations.  The shopping mentality (in evidence on multiple threads here) is so silly and dangerous.  for example, "well his profile said he wanted a relationship" lol that one kills me!

Hmmm, this specimen has;

blonde hair, check. Blue eyes, check. 6 feet tall, check. Well groomed, check. Clothes don't look cheap so maybe has a good job, check. Says they want a relationship, check.

Let's try it on *imagines the speciman on their arm* - it fits good, check. Time to check out (swipes right). 

We're seriously a few years away from having customer reviews on dating sites.