winny Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said: That is very true, many people say relationships displayed on social medias aren't always accurate representations. I think recently it hit home a little because many of my friends are getting engaged or soon to be engaged Never compare your life to others. You don’t know their struggles and they dunno yours. Wish everyone well and Keep working on yourself and your goals. 1
winny Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 I strongly suggest you watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. It talks about relationships. 1
winny Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 23 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: Thank you @MsJayne, I know that deep down. I think knowing this just got lost in the back of my head, with seeing people around me getting engaged or talking about getting engaged in their long therm relationship. NGL it's hard seeing a lot of people around me finding their person early on, but I would also be lying when I say a lot of them are settling for the sake of getting married soon. Thanks for the reminder This concept of “the one”.. that “one person” - is flawed. There is no one person that will make you perfectly happy or complete you. This idea is sold to us by Disney and Hollywood and romantic novels etc. its a marketing gimmick to keep the billions of dollars marriage industry up and running. The one person you should be focusing on is YOU. 3 1
CollinW Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 4 hours ago, dramafreezone said: I haven't been in a serious relationship for 7 years. Haven't really been looking. I would say that I'm happy just dating now that I've gained what I think is a better understanding of why dating is the way it is. Dating shouldn't be a chore or a race to get to a relationship. That's really why dating can be messed up. So few people are in the moment and enjoying the other person, it's about employing strategies they read in a book or saw in a video, and deciphering hidden meanings or messages from a person's actions, or treating them like a job interview. If I were a woman, the first thing I'd do is ditch the OLD apps. It's too much for anyone to bear. Too many options prevents women from giving guys a chance, because you can just log on to your app and see 30 more guys today if the guy on the date doesn't check all of your boxes. Nose a bit too crooked? His teeth aren't the perfect shade of white? You're on to the next. I'm being facetious, but the point is I basically think these apps hurt your chances more than they help them. Stop looking for a man. Just go out and do things you like to do. That way the evening isn't a success or failure just because this particular date didn't knock your socks off. If you don't particularly like bars, then obviously you won't want to go there to meet a guy for drinks. Instead if you like art, go to an art show (when things open back up) dress your best and have a good time. I would even say going alone is a good idea, though I know a lot of women hate to do this. If you meet a guy even better, because he's probably likes art too. Just my opinion. I really don't think someone is good relationship material until they're ok being alone. When you're ok being alone, that doesn't mean that you love it, but you're not trying to fill a void in your life. As usually you're on point. Every single damn time. You have to make yourself whole and be your best self in order to enter into a functional relationship. I agree, OLD is a cancer. It prevents you from looking at suitors as actual human beings, and causes cognitive dissonance in the sense that you'll then turn around and expect your suitor to look at you as a human being right after you shopped for them like a sweater on Amazon. OLD isn't a viable way to date and people know it but they put up with it because it allows them to be lazy and since they're choosing makes them feel powerful. 4
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) I have spent most of my life single. I had 3 LTRs and am now in early 40s and have been single for 3 years. I really enjoy the freedom of doing things alone. I love to make all the decisions and can travel anywhere, anytime. I can change my career on a whim and take risks and make my life exciting. Since I only support myself, I have a lot of expendable income which is also fun to spend. I can honestly say that I have never felt a second of envy when I see married couples with children. If anything, I feel like I have cheated life not to have that hanging around my neck. I have been told many times by various people how living my life like this is "not normal". I have also had people shout at me "you will grow old alone and die with your cat". When I was younger I used to feel bad but now I just feel sorry for the person saying that. It's like most people find being alone their worst fear. Most women will face their last years alone because they will likely outlive their partner anyway. Having said all that, if I were to meet someone with a connection that blows me away, of course I would be with them. But that's unlikely to happen and my standards are super-high. If everyone had my standards, 95% of people would be eternally single. Edited February 23, 2021 by Eternal Sunshine 3
winny Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 43 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said: life not to have that hanging around my neck. I have been told many times by various people how living my life like this is "not normal". I have also had people shout at me "you will grow old alone and die with your cat". When I was younger I used to feel bad but now I just feel sorry for the person saying that. It's like most people find being alone their worst fear. Most women will face their last years alone because they will likely outlive their partner anyway. Having said all that, if I were to meet someone with a connection that blows me away, of course I would be with them. But that's unlikely to happen and my standards are super-high. If everyone had my standards, 95% of people would be eternally single. I tell such people - No I will die in a super expensive old age home with 5 nurses taking care of me LOL
Weezy1973 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 Both being single and being married has ups and downs. As many said happiness comes from within. During the pandemic apparently divorces spiked amongst married people. And suicides spiked amongst singles. 3
Miss Spider Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said: I have spent most of my life single. I had 3 LTRs and am now in early 40s and have been single for 3 years. I really enjoy the freedom of doing things alone. I love to make all the decisions and can travel anywhere, anytime. I can change my career on a whim and take risks and make my life exciting. Since I only support myself, I have a lot of expendable income which is also fun to spend. I can honestly say that I have never felt a second of envy when I see married couples with children. If anything, I feel like I have cheated life not to have that hanging around my neck. I have been told many times by various people how living my life like this is "not normal". I have also had people shout at me "you will grow old alone and die with your cat". When I was younger I used to feel bad but now I just feel sorry for the person saying that. It's like most people find being alone their worst fear. Most women will face their last years alone because they will likely outlive their partner anyway. Having said all that, if I were to meet someone with a connection that blows me away, of course I would be with them. But that's unlikely to happen and my standards are super-high. If everyone had my standards, 95% of people would be eternally single. I feel the exact same way you do. I think a lot of people feel like having a teammate makes them stronger and brings their life up. I feel like in a lot of ways having a partner weighs you down. You do have to consider the other person in your plans. You can’t just do whatever you want to do all the time. This especially applies when you have kids in the picture. I remember my relationship from a while back. We were in Switzerland in this beautiful hotel, just got back from an even more beautiful place, I just kept thinking how many people would love that but I just want to be home planning video games and chilling out. I didn’t just want to do with this person wanted to do. I didn’t wanna do any of it. But when you’re in a relationship you do need to make compromises for the other person. So if you’re not missing out when you’re not in a relationship, those little compromises can seem unworthy. Having to cook a meal for someone. Or having to eat the meal that they cook. Or having to consider where they want to go out to eat. No I can just consider where I want to go eat and I can go on dates if I get lonely. If I want to pack up and move to Alaska I can plan and do that. If I want to go backpacking for a year I can. I don’t have to consider anyone else besides me. That’s the way I was thinking. So I can understand people who think that singles are selfish. However, I did eventually meet someone who really makes my life great. He makes me laugh and brings a lot of joy to my life so I enjoy being with them. Still, objectively speaking, unless you find someone that adds to your life a lot; for me, single is where it’s at. Being single is great Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 There are goods in being single but then like anything else there is the other side of the coin. You got to face everything on your own, your hardships, disappointments, illnesses, losses, just like you celebrate on your own your success, happy moments, your milestones. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) I guess it is just a different way of thinking, but I never understood needing someone else to face difficulties with or celebrate my accomplishments. I always felt more than capable of doing it by myself. I also don’t want to drag anyone else into any hardships. I don’t want anyone to have to suffer with me. I also know what I am capable of doing and what I am capable of handling of more than another. And even with people that need that, it’s not like there any shortages of people that will celebrate good times with you. If you need some work done around the house or something, not like there’s any lack of men you’re saying do that for you. And it’s also not like your partner is always capable of those things. I don’t know. Like I said, my current rships great, super happy, but I see no lack of anything when I’m single and casually dating. Maybe I just don’t get it or maybe it will be different when I’m all alone in the world and don’t have family or friends idk, but I understand that there are need/prefer that too and I respect their feelings. Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Versacehottie Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 9 hours ago, CollinW said: As usually you're on point. Every single damn time. You have to make yourself whole and be your best self in order to enter into a functional relationship. I agree, OLD is a cancer. It prevents you from looking at suitors as actual human beings, and causes cognitive dissonance in the sense that you'll then turn around and expect your suitor to look at you as a human being right after you shopped for them like a sweater on Amazon. OLD isn't a viable way to date and people know it but they put up with it because it allows them to be lazy and since they're choosing makes them feel powerful. lol harsh but lots of truth especially the bolded, which some people treat it like 100% in their expectations. The shopping mentality (in evidence on multiple threads here) is so silly and dangerous. for example, "well his profile said he wanted a relationship" lol that one kills me! 4
poppyfields Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, CollinW said: I agree, OLD is a cancer. It prevents you from looking at suitors as actual human beings, and causes cognitive dissonance in the sense that you'll then turn around and expect your suitor to look at you as a human being right after you shopped for them like a sweater on Amazon. OLD isn't a viable way to date and people know it but they put up with it because it allows them to be lazy and since they're choosing makes them feel powerful. Wow, CollinW, I can't say I disagree with any of that! It's pretty much spot on! Edited February 23, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Watercolors Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 On 2/21/2021 at 8:09 PM, MrPlop said: You know what's scarier than being single? Getting used to it. You just get used to it and become very comfortable & selfish, you have a very short fuse and don't put up with anybody's bs. That's scary right there. I disagree with you that being self-sufficient, having healthy boundaries with other people, and not putting up with b.s. is scary. I think it's invigorating. I have been single for a long time and have no desire to ever date again. One of my favorite artists - Georgia O'Keefe married her affair partner, then (lol) ditched him to go live in New Mexico and paint b/c to her, the single life gave her more freedom to be herself and really find herself. Nothing scary about using this earthly journey to experience life at it's fullest and really connect with yourself and your gifts instead of wasting time compromising for other people in romantic relationships. Just my two cents. 1
Thunder27 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) From a 20 year Olds perspective, OLD is terrible and texting is beyond boring. The arbitrary lists are the worst. There's also some element that is missing, at least for me. I feel it's impossible to feel a connection. In terms of being single and happy, I have achieved this before. I got lots of things I enjoy doing, and I would build a schedule around it all. No social obligation can be a blessing and I was happy to take up everyday. Comparing that to the last two months of my relationship, and many days I wished I wouldn't wake up. However, there isn't anything I wouldn't do to be married and have a family. I just hope I'm able to meet someone. Personally, I see no reason I living if I didn't achieve these things. Life would just be hollow and pointless. Maybe that's extreme but it's how I feel. Edited February 23, 2021 by Thunder27 1
Watercolors Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 On 2/21/2021 at 8:52 PM, MsJayne said: So true. I'm currently struggling a bit getting used to living with a partner after 20 years of casual relationships, living alone, and flicking guys off if they did anything which irked me. Now I'm having to really think hard about whether something is a big deal to me or should just be let go. Singledom is good when you're young and can do stuff on your own, (like travel, move far away for a new job, etc), but not so great for older people, so OP should value the single time and use it to develop emotional and social independence, but don't get so used to it that relationships become really hard work and a partner feels like a burden. Um older person here. I LOVE being single and am not in the least handicapped by my solo life. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. And, if I need help, there are always community resources I can reach out to for that. It sounds like you didn't like being single and prefer to be in relationships for the security? You can do "stuff on your own" at any age. The only real barrier to accomplishing anything past age 50 would be serious dementia or a terminal illness that prevents you from being able to do anything.
Thunder27 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, Allupinnit said: That, and I learned the hard way that marriage isn't always about feelings and most of the time we are in service to each other when we're happiest I try to explain this to people, but many don't seem to understand. Feelings will fade buts it's the partnership that I care most about. Having their back and them having mine. Mutual caring. People are scared of Co dependency but I think a healthy marriage becomes one unit moving through life. Sadly a lot of people hate each other when feelings fade. Needs to be built on friendship. If I can find someone who both loves me Romantically at the start but can love me platonically as well, then that's "the one" to me. Edited February 23, 2021 by Thunder27 3
Watercolors Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 6 hours ago, winny said: I tell such people - No I will die in a super expensive old age home with 5 nurses taking care of me LOL My plan for "old age" 65+ years is to move abroad to an island and live cheaply, or move to Eastern Europe or the Mediterranean and live cheaply. I can't wait. No nursing home for this lady!! Those places are a clown show. I know, b/c my own mother's in a really expensive one, and the nursing aides are clueless and I constantly worry about her well being there. Being single vs. being married or in a relationship is a choice. At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you. I will never marry. Yuck. I hate weddings and have no desire to chain myself to a man who is going to tell me what to do, what to wear, how to act and then lie to me and cheat on me behind my back. Effe that! 1
Thunder27 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I guess it is just a different way of thinking, but I never understood needing someone else to face difficulties with or celebrate my accomplishments. I always felt more than capable of doing it by myself. I also don’t want to drag anyone else into any hardships. I don’t want anyone to have to suffer with me. I also know what I am capable of doing and what I am capable of handling of more than another. And even with people that need that, it’s not like there any shortages of people that will celebrate good times with you. If you need some work done around the house or something, not like there’s any lack of men you’re saying do that for you. And it’s also not like your partner is always capable of those things. I don’t know. Like I said, my current rships great, super happy, but I see no lack of anything when I’m single and casually dating. Maybe I just don’t get it or maybe it will be different when I’m all alone in the world and don’t have family or friends idk, but I understand that there are need/prefer that too and I respect their feelings. Maybe we're different here, but from my only relationship experience the joy for me came from being able to care for someone and make them happy. Maybe this is just a guy thing, but I got a profound sense of purpose from being there for her--that is, when she wasn't shutting me out. When two people make compromises it gives a sense of mutual caring, and I love caring and being cared for. It's not about the pleasure that the other can give me, more so that we can help each other through the bad times. 1
winny Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) The part that I don’t like is if you are single, how everyone assumes that you must be sad and lonely and leading a boring life. Or that you are dying to find someone or have kids. People look at you with pity. Recently a good friend said to me how he thinks I don’t have a support system and he is proud that I can still live my life without it. Frankly I never thought of not having a support system LOL everything I want is at my finger tips ... but looks like thats how some people perceive you if you are a woman and single. Women are still looked as people who need support..! What gives?! LOL I didn’t argue with him but I realized people of newer generations still think singlehood as something wrong or unnatural and for women it is even worse. But like I said before.. for me.. all my highest points of personal and professional accomplishments have come when I am single. It has allowed me to try new things. To focus better. To think out of the box. To improve inner strength and be self reliant. In turn develop more courage and confidence. Let go of neediness and have self belief. All these things actually help if you ever decide to be in a relationship. Edited February 23, 2021 by winny 2
winny Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 47 minutes ago, Watercolors said: My plan for "old age" 65+ years is to move abroad to an island and live cheaply, or move to Eastern Europe or the Mediterranean and live cheaply. I can't wait. No nursing home for this lady!! Those places are a clown show. I know, b/c my own mother's in a really expensive one, and the nursing aides are clueless and I constantly worry about her well being there. Being single vs. being married or in a relationship is a choice. At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you. I will never marry. Yuck. I hate weddings and have no desire to chain myself to a man who is going to tell me what to do, what to wear, how to act and then lie to me and cheat on me behind my back. Effe that! Thanks for the info.. will take it into account for my retirement planning.. ha ha i just hope i die before i become bedridden. In that case I will have to be in some old age home... 1
Miss Spider Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, winny said: The part that I don’t like is if you are single, how everyone assumes that you must be sad and lonely and leading a boring life. Or that you are dying to find someone or have kids. People look at you with pity. Recently a good friend said to me how he thinks I don’t have a support system and he is proud that I can still live my life without it. Frankly I never thought of not having a support system LOL everything I want is at my finger tips ... but looks like thats how some people perceive you if you are a woman and single. Women are still looked as people who need support..! What gives?! LOL I didn’t argue with him but I realized people of newer generations still think singlehood as something wrong or unnatural and for women it is even worse. But like I said before.. for me.. all my highest points of personal and professional accomplishments have come when I am single. It has allowed me to try new things. To focus better. To think out of the box. To improve inner strength and be self reliant. In turn develop more courage and confidence. Let go of neediness and have self belief. All these things actually help if you ever decide to be in a relationship. I guess I’m lucky that I never got this. I never felt judged. But I do know this is not a myth. It happens . There’s that pressure for some people, but wouldnt have cared bc if I’m happy, that’s all that matters. Am I going to be in a position where I am less happy just because people will judge me if I’m not in that position? No way. Because at the end of the day I’m the one who has to live my life. I actually used pity some people in rships sometimes. Especially if the person they were with, and don’t they want to off themselves having to be with that person or the same person over and over again. And especially (young) guys pushing a stroller with kids. I felt bad for them but then I realize I’m being an ***hole and they could be extremely fulfilled. 42 minutes ago, Thunder27 said: Maybe we're different here, but from my only relationship experience the joy for me came from being able to care for someone and make them happy. sure I like to make my partner happy when I’m in a relationship. But I like making myself happy most of all.... sometimes I make myself happy by making partner happy. & I feel a purpose from helping my partner or being there for him... but it’s not like when I’m single I can’t find purpose. And that purpose is usually more geared toward self-growth (in all areas) and completely focused on me me when I’m single . So might be why I prefer it. I remember one time I took a two week trip to Alaska with my parents while I was dating this guy. I loved it so much. He got upset because I decided I wanted to stay there a month and then six months. I completely understand why he got upset, but at the same time I wanted to do it. Sucks. Edited February 23, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 36 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: He got upset because I decided I wanted to stay there a month and then six months. I completely understand why he got upset, but at the same time I wanted to do it. Sucks. But you wanted to do it on your own not with him, because you were not in love with him. There are couples who travel the world together, move to Alaska together, and live all of their life fantasy together. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: But you wanted to do it on your own not with him, because you were not in love with him. There are couples who travel the world together, move to Alaska together, and live all of their life fantasy together. But he had a job, he couldn’t just up and spend 6 mo in Alaska like I could
surfergal87 Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 On 2/22/2021 at 3:09 AM, MrPlop said: You know what's scarier than being single? Getting used to it. You just get used to it and become very comfortable & selfish, you have a very short fuse and don't put up with anybody's bs. That's scary right there. Ouch . this is me right now. I'm 33 and it's been a while since my last relationship. I wont say I'm picky, I was just constantly travelling/ moving and I grew so comfortable being alone. Like I forgot what's like being with someone. Is that considered bad? I make my own money, I get on well with my family and have few close friends so I don't feel lonely. I like my job, I've got hobbies, I read books, I enjoy cooking ..So yeah, I feel pretty damn happy in day to day life. But this one time, this last summer, we had family barbecue with my cousins. They were there with their hot husbands, cute babies and all seemed super happy - it was the first time in a I really long time I wanted a relationship. I wanted what they had. I felt like I'm missing out on something great and spent a whole night thinking about it. But then, the next day I woke up and went back to my ''old way''.
Watercolors Posted February 23, 2021 Posted February 23, 2021 3 minutes ago, surfergal87 said: Ouch . this is me right now. I'm 33 and it's been a while since my last relationship. I wont say I'm picky, I was just constantly travelling/ moving and I grew so comfortable being alone. Like I forgot what's like being with someone. Is that considered bad? I make my own money, I get on well with my family and have few close friends so I don't feel lonely. I like my job, I've got hobbies, I read books, I enjoy cooking ..So yeah, I feel pretty damn happy in day to day life. But this one time, this last summer, we had family barbecue with my cousins. They were there with their hot husbands, cute babies and all seemed super happy - it was the first time in a I really long time I wanted a relationship. I wanted what they had. I felt like I'm missing out on something great and spent a whole night thinking about it. But then, the next day I woke up and went back to my ''old way''. Don't fall into that trap, FOMO, it's all an illusion. Sure they have babies and hot husbands. But behind the scenes, those 'hot husbands' probably use fake tanner or are very vain and have small penises. Or, the babies are colicky and cost a fortune and no the mom and dad spent the kid's college fund already on sending them to expensive elementary and high schools. Those are the details that FOMO glosses over. Don't FOMO yourself. You're happy and that's all that matters.
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