sushiandtacos Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 Hey fam, I know many of these threads are focused on relationships and dating, but just wanting to know if there's anyone out there enjoying the single life? Are there new things you're learning about yourself that you didn't know when you were in relationships/dating? I know when I came out of a relationship almost a year and a half ago, it took a long adjustment period being on my own and learning to be self-dependent. Now that I'm starting to date for the past few months and trying out OLD this year, dating has gotten to be something I find a chore/exhausting not sure how you guys think about that. Maybe it's just the modern way of dating now and the thought that if one doesn't work out, then onto the next in a matter of a second with just a swipe. That honestly doesn't sound special to me but with a pandemic, seems to be the main way of trying to find someone. It also doesn't help that most of my friends are in serious relationships. I find that I miss my old relationship with my ex more now when I've been trying to date than when I took some time after our breakup to focus on myself. I also keep reminding myself that I need to learn how to be happy/whole on my own so that when the perfect person comes, then they just enhance my life not complete it. That's good in theory, but it's also hard sometimes when you spend some nights alone when your friends are with their SO's. It seems that everyone is trying so hard to find someone that it's easy to give in to the pressure that a SO is that missing piece in our lives. Just some things I've been reflecting on. Just wanted to know ya'll's thoughts on singlehood and how you find happiness being on your own before finding the right person?
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 After my previous breakup I was single 5 years from 40 to 45 without dating or searching at all. I was not interested in men, I was interested in building myself up professionally and financially. I had lost a lot in the past through divorce and I didn't want that to happen again. I wanted to buy my own property, build my own savings, etc and I did. After that I decided I was ready to date so I actively dated from age 46 to 50. I had a good time dating online, I had a lot of attention, and to me it ended up being a phase I had never experienced as I had met my first boyfriend at 17 and married him. So from 46-50 I had tons of dates, I have tons of stories to tell and I learn a lot about dating and men. Finally I met my recent ex and it lasted 5 years. I am now 55, single. I will not date during the pandemic, I need to 'properly' date and these days all people do is 'home' dates. That's not for me. I will use the pandemic to learn from my last breakup, concentrate on my daughters, my hobbies, enjoy winter sports. The pandemic will be over soon and then I'll get back in the game. I miss my ex for the happiness and support he brought in my life but I never ever feel like 'I'd like someone with me now'. No, I can fully appreciate my life without a boyfriend. 9
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 36 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I miss my ex for the happiness and support he brought in my life but I never ever feel like 'I'd like someone with me now'. No, I can fully appreciate my life without a boyfriend. Thanks @Gaeta for sharing. Resonated when you said you were building yourself up Feel like many are giving into the pressure of trying to find and have someone these days that they forget they are solid on their own. Dating is honestly sometimes discouraging too especially now with the pandemic. It is a daily challenge to be fully appreciative of my life without a SO but so worth it to find inner peace/happiness. 1
MrPlop Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 You know what's scarier than being single? Getting used to it. You just get used to it and become very comfortable & selfish, you have a very short fuse and don't put up with anybody's bs. That's scary right there. 3
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) I was single and happy... until I met my bf. ... every time I get there somebody has to come around and mess it up xD ah well. I love being single and honestly if I hadn’t by luck met someone as awesome as my bf, I’d still prefer it that way. But he’s just too awesome Edited February 22, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 5
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 13 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Feel like many are giving into the pressure of trying to find and have someone Can you give us an example of that pressure? This is not something I have experienced, not even in my 10 years of being single. When I started dating my latest ex I'd say it had the opposite effect on my family & friends. They were full of concerns actually. My mother always told me I should say single a man is too much trouble lol, then my siblings were concern a man would take advantage or steal from me. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 6 minutes ago, MrPlop said: You know what's scarier than being single? Getting used to it. You just get used to it and become very comfortable & selfish, you have a very short fuse and don't put up with anybody's bs. That's scary right there. What’s wrong w that 1
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, MrPlop said: You know what's scarier than being single? Getting used to it. You just get used to it and become very comfortable & selfish, you have a very short fuse and don't put up with anybody's bs. That's scary right there. I was single from age 40 to 50, and when I met my ex everything felt in place naturally, I never felt it was a bother, no short fuse, we never argued, never stepped on each other's toes.
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 24 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: It is a daily challenge to be fully appreciative of my life without a SO but so worth it to find inner peace/happiness. See, that little bit there is something to work on. Many people value themselves through the eyes of someone else. If that someone isn't there they don't see their value and it feels like they've lost their identity. 1
MrPlop Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: What’s wrong w that When you are dating someone you need to let some stuff slide. I believe when you spend too much time by yourself (either lack of romantic relationships or friendships) you start losing the ability to communicate/convey your feelings properly and expect people to understand you. 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I was single from age 40 to 50, and when I met my ex everything felt in place naturally, I never felt it was a bother, no short fuse, we never argued, never stepped on each other's toes. Perhaps it's just a phase we all go through, I for one have no patience for childish behavior. 3 1
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, MrPlop said: When you are dating someone you need to let some stuff slide. I believe when you spend too much time by yourself (either lack of romantic relationships or friendships) you start losing the ability to communicate/convey your feelings properly and expect people to understand you. Perhaps it's just a phase we all go through, I for one have no patience for childish behavior. Yes in a relationship you let the small stuff slide. I find it easier as I age. There are a lot of things I got upset over when I was in my 20s and 30s that I don't care about anymore. In my case I have a much easier time letting go of details since I'm older. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, MrPlop said: When you are dating someone you need to let some stuff slide. I believe when you spend too much time by yourself (either lack of romantic relationships or friendships) you start losing the ability to communicate/convey your feelings properly and expect people to understand you. I agree completely but you wouldn’t be dating someone bc you are single and comfortable. Not sure how I see why it should come to the latter conclusion unless you have 0 social interactions or relationships with other people like friends, but respect your opinion. Edited February 22, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
MrPlop Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Yes in a relationship you let the small stuff slide. I find it easier as I age. There are a lot of things I got upset over when I was in my 20s and 30s that I don't care about anymore. In my case I have a much easier time letting go of details since I'm older. Definitely, as someone in their very late 20s I live under constant pressure of achieving goals and making something out my life, and have no time, nor will put up with a partner that is still trying to figure things out. Being there, done that. 1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I agree but you wouldn’t be dating someone bc you are single and comfortable. Not sure how I see why it should come to the latter conclusion unless you have 0 social interactions or relationships with other people like friends, but respect your opinion. Ofc, don't ever date for self gains. I just think it's harder for introvert or "lonely" people to communicate and sometimes you get frustrated and give up. And you only have yourself to blame for your own social shortcomings honestly. Edited February 22, 2021 by MrPlop 2 1
MsJayne Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 14 minutes ago, MrPlop said: When you are dating someone you need to let some stuff slide. I believe when you spend too much time by yourself (either lack of romantic relationships or friendships) you start losing the ability to communicate/convey your feelings properly and expect people to understand you. So true. I'm currently struggling a bit getting used to living with a partner after 20 years of casual relationships, living alone, and flicking guys off if they did anything which irked me. Now I'm having to really think hard about whether something is a big deal to me or should just be let go. Singledom is good when you're young and can do stuff on your own, (like travel, move far away for a new job, etc), but not so great for older people, so OP should value the single time and use it to develop emotional and social independence, but don't get so used to it that relationships become really hard work and a partner feels like a burden. 1
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 1 minute ago, MsJayne said: So true. I'm currently struggling a bit getting used to living with a partner after 20 years of casual relationships, living alone, and flicking guys off if they did anything which irked me. Living with someone is probably something I will never do again. My last relationship was 5 years and we each kept our respective home. That 1-2 nights a week away from each other kept the relationship balanced and our finance apart. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, MrPlop said: Ofc, don't ever date for self gains. I just think it's harder for introvert or "lonely" people to communicate and sometimes you get frustrated and give up. And you only have yourself to blame for your own social shortcomings honestly. Yeah. Also don’t get to the point you tolerate bs for the sake of a relationship.I’ve seen that happen a lot. It’s not even for the sake of the relationship, so much as it just seems normalized. But you’re right that with other people, especially in close relationship like significant other, you usually do have to tolerate things and compromise. It’s about finding balance and everything else, but again, if you’re truly comfortable being single it’s not as much a prob. It’s only a problem when you do really want a significant other and you don’t feel it’s worth it to compromise because you’re comfortable enough. Edited February 22, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 58 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I was single and happy... until I met my bf. ... every time I get there somebody has to come around and mess it up xD ah well. I love being single and honestly if I hadn’t by luck met someone as awesome as my bf, I’d still prefer it that way. But he’s just too awesome Honestly I'm still working on getting to that sweet spot of being completely happy on my own but when that right person comes, everything falls into place. What about being single did you enjoy @Shortskirtslonglashes?
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Can you give us an example of that pressure? This is not something I have experienced, not even in my 10 years of being single. When I started dating my latest ex I'd say it had the opposite effect on my family & friends. They were full of concerns actually. My mother always told me I should say single a man is too much trouble lol, then my siblings were concern a man would take advantage or steal from me. Just being surrounded by friends who are in long term relationships and seeing so many people getting engaged on social media. Despite being in my 20s, I feel like many girls my age still think of being married as a life goal and something to achieve before they are 30.
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 31 minutes ago, MrPlop said: Definitely, as someone in their very late 20s I live under constant pressure of achieving goals and making something out my life, and have no time, nor will put up with a partner that is still trying to figure things out. Being there, done that. I recently had a conversation about this that dating as you get older seems to be challenging for me because there is a list of criteria/standards that keep growing, making it harder to find someone to meet those things. When I was high school, even college it was "Oh that guy is cute, let's date!" Now it's stability, loyalty, kindness, etc. etc. the list keeps growing and like you said, more things I would not put up with in a partner.
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 28 minutes ago, MsJayne said: So true. I'm currently struggling a bit getting used to living with a partner after 20 years of casual relationships, living alone, and flicking guys off if they did anything which irked me. Now I'm having to really think hard about whether something is a big deal to me or should just be let go. Singledom is good when you're young and can do stuff on your own, (like travel, move far away for a new job, etc), but not so great for older people, so OP should value the single time and use it to develop emotional and social independence, but don't get so used to it that relationships become really hard work and a partner feels like a burden. You're totally right, singlehood can be so fun just that we're in covid times, making it less fun . It's just hitting harder I feel during these times. But yes, working on myself right now to become more independent 1
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 6 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Just being surrounded by friends who are in long term relationships and seeing so many people getting engaged on social media. Despite being in my 20s, I feel like many girls my age still think of being married as a life goal and something to achieve before they are 30. Ok so it's more like a pressure you self-impose on you. I was thinking maybe you have a mother putting pressure on you for grand children. Remind yourself what you see on social media is what people want you to see. Behind the pretty pictures often is a toxic and dysfunctional relationship. 1
MrPlop Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: I recently had a conversation about this that dating as you get older seems to be challenging for me because there is a list of criteria/standards that keep growing, making it harder to find someone to meet those things. When I was high school, even college it was "Oh that guy is cute, let's date!" Now it's stability, loyalty, kindness, etc. etc. the list keeps growing and like you said, more things I would not put up with in a partner. Yes, sometimes we fall into the trap of being "too picky" as well when we ourselves don't have a lot to offer either. A personal deal breaker it's not whether someone has material gains or even a career, but rather when they have no ambition whatsoever or the will to grow alongside you. That's what I mean by still trying to figure things out.
Buckeyestrong45 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, MrPlop said: Yes, sometimes we fall into the trap of being "too picky" as well when we ourselves don't have a lot to offer either. A personal deal breaker it's not whether someone has material gains or even a career, but rather when they have no ambition whatsoever or the will to grow alongside you. That's what I mean by still trying to figure things out. The OP is getting old, she has to date in order to get married. Does she want to grow old by herself??? I know and understand for a fact that the woman that I am trying to reveal my past to will forgive me for my misdeeds and accept me. I don’t understand how people enjoy single life unless they want to grow old by themselves. Just stating facts.
MrPlop Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Buckeyestrong45 said: The OP is getting old, she has to date in order to get married. Does she want to grow old by herself??? I know and understand for a fact that the woman that I am trying to reveal my past to will forgive me for my misdeeds and accept me. I don’t understand how people enjoy single life unless they want to grow old by themselves. Just stating facts. Apples to apples though, OP said she was in her 20s and still has time to fall in & out of love plenty of times. Let's say she was in her 40s, and she's been single due to having very high standards, do you think people can truly let go of said standards just because they feel they're getting old? They might settle alright but they will still be bitter inside telling themselves they could've done better. Edited February 22, 2021 by MrPlop 1
Phallacy Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 I have a hard coded script that says dating>sex>marriage. I followed that script 3x. Each time I committed and loved easily. I am now flummoxed by logic. I refuse to do what hasn’t worked before. I will no longer say I love you first. I also no longer initiate contact. Sure, I’ll respond. There has to be more to dating then status and sex.
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