Came on here to vent. Ex did the Adele email after 3 years then dumps me a month later.

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

On to chill and vent. Ex contacted me after 3 years about a month ago. Full Adele email, apologies, taking blame everything everyone always hopes for.

We were due to bubble next week. I messed up the pre bubble isolation rules (I thought we were just going to bubble and not do an isolation before) - kinda due to the communications you can have during COVID. I apologised and was happy for her to get a little angry at me as hey I bo booed. 

She’s called it off. Clearly didn’t actually love me enough to see past a minor muck up. Jeez it’s sad but I suppose she loses out on a good man. If it wasn’t that she would’ve found something else to dump me for eventually.

I’ll cope. Just feel silly for hey believing in her,  telling my family yeah I want her and falling for it.

[kendahke]

That "minor muck up" can have life threatening consequences...

Not taking the pre bubble isolation seriously enough may have told her all she needed to know about trying to resurrect the zombie of that dead relationship.

This has nothing to do with you being a good man.  You're not the man for her, good or bad. 3 years apart with no contact speaks to that.

Don't resurrect zombies.

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

I would have done anything required. I just mixed up what she was expecting me to do. 
 

She wasn’t so bothered when we met up after the Adele style email. I’m not saying that excuses anything. 
 

I was 100% up for it. I was taking everything seriously in the relationship. I do understand there are consequences to messing up Covid rules. I try generally to live by them. 
 

I would have expected grace for what happened. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said:

 Ex contacted me after 3 years about a month ago. 

We were due to bubble next week.

Have you been touch all along? What was the breakup about? Why were you going to bubble together after all this time? Are you long distance?

[ExpatInItaly]

Had she recently become single, by chance?

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been touch all along? What was the breakup about? Why were you going to bubble together after all this time? Are you long distance?

No. Quite a lot of things were happening at time of break up - court cases, deaths etc. for both of us. She couldn’t handle it and pushed me away. 
 

We weren’t in contact. She contacted me a couple of times after the relationship was over. 
 

After we were apart for 6 months she contacted me as her therapist suggested she should as part of healing. I really didn’t need that. I was happy to be oblivious . I was with someone else and left her hoping to get back with my ex. Things went quite sour then. 
 

There is a connection. She just doesn’t love me enough. I’m an easy use. 

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Had she recently become single, by chance?

No. Claims she knew she wanted back with me for a year. I think she didn’t contact me due to Covid fears. 
 

Could be I’m the only person she knew would answer during these Covid times. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said:

Could be I’m the only person she knew would answer during these Covid times. 

I think this is a big part of it. 

It sounds like she's dangled the carrot more than once. It's time to stop replying to her, for good. She doesn't seem to have serious intentions to reconcile with you.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said:

We weren’t in contact. She contacted me a couple of times after the relationship was over. 
After we were apart for 6 months she contacted me as her therapist suggested she should as part of healing. I really didn’t need that. I was happy to be oblivious .

Sorry to hear that. It may be best to delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Stay "oblivious". Why disrupt your life or disturb your peace because she comes up with some lame therapeutic healing excuse?

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. It may be best to delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Stay "oblivious". Why disrupt your life or disturb your peace because she comes up with some lame therapeutic healing excuse?

She did it after 6 months. Claimed she was sorry. I think she was seeing a therapist but no therapist should tell her to interrupt my life. I was trying my best to heal. 

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

Weren’t really long distance. Bout 25 miles. In the uk that’s considered pretty far. 

[MsJayne]

You sound like you've been very doormatty in this non-relationship. Next time she contacts you try a bit of good old fashioned rudeness..like, "What do you want this time?"  Her getting all huffy over isolation and bubbles and whatever, who does she think she is, after three years apart, expecting you to tolerate being castigated over some petty issue? Let her go for good, she will find some other guy to find fault with, you can guarantee it.

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

15 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You sound like you've been very doormatty in this non-relationship. Next time she contacts you try a bit of good old fashioned rudeness..like, "What do you want this time?"  Her getting all huffy over isolation and bubbles and whatever, who does she think she is, after three years apart, expecting you to tolerate being castigated over some petty issue? Let her go for good, she will find some other guy to find fault with, you can guarantee it.

When we were together I got caught blindsided when she hit crisis and tried to push me away. She saw me cry - she knew she had me on the hook. In a normal relationship it’s ok to cry and it’s not about power plays. I know in my heart that’s when she lost respect for me.

 

She claims what I did resulted in her feeling like “she had been hit by a bus”. I don’t buy that. Yes be angry a bit but it’s not that crazy a deal - I hadn’t abandoned her or anything. It just meant we would have to wait 3 days after we were going to bubble originally. Maybe she self sabotages herself. She’s 40 and has no sign of any meaningful relationships. If you are hurt by someone and they’ve wronged you, you let them know and you let them make it right.

[basil67]

What's an Adele style email?  I'd like to offer an opinion, but need better understanding.

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What's an Adele style email?  I'd like to offer an opinion, but need better understanding.

One where she says she’s sorry for everything she did wrong and hopes it’s not too late and wants to get back.

 

like in the Adele song “Hello”

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

She couldn’t help herself. She just sent an email justifying herself. 

I told her to “go away as she’s treating me like a mug”

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said:

She claims what I did resulted in her feeling like “she had been hit by a bus”. 

What you did? What, mucked up her bubble by mistake? Give the woman a stage and spotlight so she can ramp up the drama a bit more. Sounds like things are already a bus crash without your input.  And if seeing you cry caused her to lose respect for you perhaps she'd be best off dating an android and then she can totally focus on her own emotions. Any person who brings negativity and drama into your life needs to be cut loose. 

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

16 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

What you did? What, mucked up her bubble by mistake? Give the woman a stage and spotlight so she can ramp up the drama a bit more. Sounds like things are already a bus crash without your input.  And if seeing you cry caused her to lose respect for you perhaps she'd be best off dating an android and then she can totally focus on her own emotions. Any person who brings negativity and drama into your life needs to be cut loose. 

She’s gone. I just need to focus on myself again which isn’t as hard as you think. 
 

My brains playing tricks but I know I didn’t do anything that in a proper relationship that wouldn’t get forgiveness.

 

After 3 years I should have been on unlimited free passes. Instead she wanted to mess me about.

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

Damn I blocked her out. She emails from another email asks me round for dinner. I point out that’s not a good idea and she needs to think about why she contacts me. 
 

Cue it being turned round to her deciding to take some time to think about if she wants to be in a relationship with me. 
 

Sucked straight back in. I don’t have the fight in me anymore. 

[Fletch Lives]

When it comes to relationship advice, don't listen to Adele  

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said:

Damn I blocked her out. She emails from another email asks me round for dinner. I point out that’s not a good idea and she needs to think about why she contacts me. 
 

Cue it being turned round to her deciding to take some time to think about if she wants to be in a relationship with me. 
 

Sucked straight back in. I don’t have the fight in me anymore. 

Why are you still responding to this woman? If she doesn't have the capacity to respect your boundaries by leaving you alone once you block her, you shouldn't reward her by responding to her efforts to communicate with you. Just ignore her.

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

I know it’s rewarding bad behaviour. I’ve advised previously I didn’t want contacted. 

[Mrin]

On 2/21/2021 at 2:14 PM, everyoneComesHereOnc said:

She claims what I did resulted in her feeling like “she had been hit by a bus”. I don’t buy that. Yes be angry a bit but it’s not that crazy a deal - I hadn’t abandoned her or anything. It just meant we would have to wait 3 days after we were going to bubble originally

A few things:

1. You guys definitely sound like a mismatch. So continue on not allowing her back in.

2. But - I do want to point out the above. And you actually did something similar in other posts where you referred to it as a "boo boo" and said it you would have expected her to handle it with grace. Basically, you did a champion job of invalidating her feelings. My hunch is that this is a personality trait of yours and this isn't the first time someone has said these words to you. I wasn't privy to your conversation with her but my guess is you said things like "this isn't that big of a deal" and "I don't see why you're so worked up about this" and "it isn't like I intentionally violated the plan" etc right? Yeah that's all invalidation territory there buddy. To a feeler - like your ex - that's incredibly insulting and only makes things ten times worse. Trust me I have a PhD in invalidating other people's feelings. I'm a pro at this. 

I'll give you an analogy. Imagine you're back in school as a young kid and you're running on the playground with your friends playing tag. One of your friends pushes you while you're running and you fall to the ground and skin your knee. You cry out in pain because you're hurt. And your friend says "that wasn't a big fall you shouldn't be hurt" or "I didn't mean to push you down". Do you look up at him and say, "oh right never mind. That didn't hurt”. No, it still hurts and you probably stay on the ground until it stops hurting. 

Same thing here. She got her feelings hurt/upset because something you did. And you basically told her she shouldn't be upset or hurt. And you even tried to make this all about whether you intended to hurt her feelings. Like that makes a difference?? Again think back to the playground. 

Like I said before, I think you two are mismatch. But I want you to think about whether what I said above is true and whether you have a tendency to invalidate other people's feelings. Believe me brother, if you do, it will keep coming up future relationships.

Best of luck,

Mrin

[Miss Spider]

My guess is pickings are slim and she’s going through a heavy drought causing her to go back in her black book of old options...Is this really what dumpees dream of? Three years later? You’re right to feel a bit insulted by this. I would. 

Edited March 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[everyoneComesHereOnc]

I said sorry and I gave her some time. I even agreed she had the right to be angry at me. I pointed out I knew she was disappointed and I was willing to do what was needed to make it right. 
 

I don’t know what else I could’ve done on a genuine mistake.