Caligirl85 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 (edited) Help! Ok so dating a man 8 yrs older. He has 1 kid at home still. Problem is they r horrible slobs! Their house is dirty messy and smells. They don't seem to care! And when they come to sleep over they r leaving messes behind. My kids and I r much cleaner. Pee on toilet and floor, from the man!, messes like dishes and clothes on floor. Many other small things like he isn't motivated to get a decent paying job, jokes that im his sugar mama, hints I should buy him a new car, im not even wealthy ! Lol I get by but not gonna support a grown man. How should I dump him? Or am I being silly for considering these worthy of dumping him? He has bought a new mattress for my house, so I will gladly offer him to take it. Just feel things happened fast, 2 months in and he acts like we r married lol. Even calls my kids his. Im not ready for that. Advice? Edited February 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Formatting
basil67 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 How about "you're taking this faster than I'm comfortable with, you're a slob and I'm not going to buy you a new car. I'll return your mattress"
Trail Blazer Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 Why did you get involved with him if he's a slob? Surely there was some indication from your first few interactions which would have given this away? 1 1
Author Caligirl85 Posted February 20, 2021 Author Posted February 20, 2021 Amazingly he shown no signs of these issues at 1st. Dressed nice and smelled good. Then after 3 wks he started showing true colors and thats about the same time I seen his house . Lately he dont shave his face or dress nice around me. Huge turn off.
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 Let’s just say, we wouldn’t be celebrating our third month anniversary if this was my relationship. I’m sorry. 2
Wiseman2 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Caligirl85 said: ,2 months in and he acts like we r married lol. Even calls my kids his. Clearly you realize this is unhealthy. Hoarding should be a deal breaker for you. Stop subjecting your kids to this filth. End things ASAP. Why is he buying you a mattress after dating 8 weeks? It's all too much too soon, but you seem aware of that. Where is your children's father? Can they stay with thier father until you get rid of this guy? Edited February 20, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
Fletch Lives Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 Yes, it takes some time to get to know someone. Obviously it's not a match.
Wiseman2 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 8 hours ago, Caligirl85 said: Even calls my kids his. Be very careful of weirdos like this who want to get too close to your kids too soon. 2 1
Author Caligirl85 Posted February 20, 2021 Author Posted February 20, 2021 11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Clearly you realize this is unhealthy. Hoarding should be a deal breaker for you. Stop subjecting your kids to this filth. End things ASAP. Why is he buying you a mattress after dating 8 weeks? It's all too much too soon, but you seem aware of that. Where is your children's father? Can they stay with thier father until you get rid of this guy? My kids dad left us and chose the criminal path, no longer involved. I seem to b a magnet for loosers lol even tho I never done drugs drinking party or anything neg. Always done my best to b amazing mom and keep to myself. I broke it off this morning and gave the mattress back. Surprisingly he handled it well altho he kept saying things about how much he loves me and the kids and I will never find a man who loves us more. Definitely weird after 2 months. I feel sad(only because I feel I let my kids down again, and I hate hurting anyone's feelings, im too nice I think )but also very relieved. 5
Watercolors Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 45 minutes ago, Caligirl85 said: My kids dad left us and chose the criminal path, no longer involved. I seem to b a magnet for loosers lol even tho I never done drugs drinking party or anything neg. Always done my best to b amazing mom and keep to myself. I broke it off this morning and gave the mattress back. Surprisingly he handled it well altho he kept saying things about how much he loves me and the kids and I will never find a man who loves us more. Definitely weird after 2 months. I feel sad(only because I feel I let my kids down again, and I hate hurting anyone's feelings, im too nice I think )but also very relieved. Here's my take on your situation. You're only a magnet for "losers" because YOU choose them. You need to stop choosing these types of guys, and try to discern ahead of time that they match what you need in a partner and potential step father to your children. Glad to read that you broke it off. Do not let him breadcrumb you via text to come back to him. Just block and delete. You literally have no justifiable reason to stay in contact with him. If you choose to do that - stay in contact with him - it's for the wrong, wrong, WRONG reasons.
MsJayne Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 Losers latch on to you because you're kind and nice, and tolerant, and non-judgmental. The kinder you are, the more likely you are to attract people who are looking for someone to lean on. That's just a Yin and Yang thing. You have to practice being less charitable towards people who don't deserve it. Example: A person who comes into your home and fails to respect the way you live and behave accordingly, ie; pees on the bathroom floor and leaves it there for you to clean, is socially inept and disrespectful. That's all the information you need to make the decision to get them out of your sphere. Great that you sent Mr Mucky and his mattress on their way. 3 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 3 hours ago, Caligirl85 said: I broke it off this morning and gave the mattress back. I feel sad Sorry to hear that, but you made the right choice. 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 18 hours ago, Caligirl85 said: I broke it off this morning ...... You did the right thing. I would say for any relationship... you shouldn't take any real gifts for 6 months. When you are a teen... that's a long time... but as an adult... that's nothing when you are thinking of a lifetime. It takes that much time to just get to know someone. The first girl I got an apartment with ended the same way. She was great, and not really messy, but that was what I saw when she was living at home with her folks. When we got a place together... it lasted 6 months tops. She would leave stuff where ever she wanted. There was always dirty dishes in the kitchen, and clothes left laying around. Mind you, this was a small 1 bedroom apartment. The last straw was one day... I was already upset, and her bath towel was on the floor in the hall. I asked her why is it there... and she snapped. And... it was over. 1
BaileyB Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 20 hours ago, Caligirl85 said: I feel very relieved. Focus on this. Best wishes.
dramafreezone Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 On 2/19/2021 at 5:07 PM, Caligirl85 said: Help! Ok so dating a man 8 yrs older. He has 1 kid at home still. Problem is they r horrible slobs! Their house is dirty messy and smells. They don't seem to care! And when they come to sleep over they r leaving messes behind. My kids and I r much cleaner. Pee on toilet and floor, from the man!, messes like dishes and clothes on floor. Many other small things like he isn't motivated to get a decent paying job, jokes that im his sugar mama, hints I should buy him a new car, im not even wealthy ! Lol I get by but not gonna support a grown man. How should I dump him? Or am I being silly for considering these worthy of dumping him? He has bought a new mattress for my house, so I will gladly offer him to take it. Just feel things happened fast, 2 months in and he acts like we r married lol. Even calls my kids his. Im not ready for that. Advice? Sounds like a winner. How did he last this long without you seeing any red flags?
SaraSays Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 Do you have a strong boundary, as it pertains to men meeting your kids? If you do, what has to happen or be in place, or how much time has to pass, for you to consider it time for them to meet?
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 On 2/20/2021 at 2:07 AM, Caligirl85 said: Advice? Yes, set better standards for the men you let in your life. You need better boundaries too. Only two months in and you're all doing family sleepovers? The heck? Wait. Slow down next time. Don't do the insta-family thing. It's not fair to the kids.
spiderowl Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 Glad you got out of that one, OP. You did well to end it. Please don't feel sorry for him, he brought it on himself. Next time maybe take it a lot slower, give yourself time to get to know the guy properly. Date for a while and see how he behaves rather than bringing him into your home too soon. Looking back, were there any hints that he might have been slobbish?
mortensorchid Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 Eeee ... This sounds strange on all levels. Just move on, say you don't think you're compatible. If the guy's a slob then he's a slob and that's not going to change.
smackie9 Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 (edited) Hording and slobbiness is a sign of mental illness/depression/alcoholism. In my industry, I have seen plenty of it over the last 30 years. There is nothing you can do for this guy, ...you did the right thing by getting rid of him. Edited February 21, 2021 by smackie9 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 I'm wondering if giving you the mattress was his way of trying to make you feel indebted to him, so you would keep him around. Not saying it worked, but perhaps that was his intention. In any event, congratulations on getting him out of your life. Unfortunately, men like this don't like to let go of a good thing that easily. Be careful.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 There is a solution to him being a slob: You hire a house keeper. The rest of it. . . just no. You break up with him by telling him this isn't working out for you & that is it. You don't have to go into detail about him & his child being slobs. If you do he will promise change but not actually reform his ways. He sounds lazy & entitled. I dated a lazy man like that once. I supported him financially but he was neat as a pin. My house was always immaculate because he cleaned & he made dinner so I was OK with the financial disparity.
JRabbit Posted February 24, 2021 Posted February 24, 2021 Please don't dating interests into your kids life. Kids should be introduced when things get serious, after some time. This does a lot more to children than people realize.
Author Caligirl85 Posted February 24, 2021 Author Posted February 24, 2021 After a couple failed relationships, and my kids mtg them early on I agree. I see they have little faith that a man will stick around. I will b waiting a long time to introduce them now. What is ur idea of a perfect time frame? Is there one? Seems men say they love me fast, I dont typically respond with an i love you back right away. I now feel 6 months bc I honestly haven't had a relationship besides my marriage that lasted longer than a few months. 1
Author Caligirl85 Posted February 24, 2021 Author Posted February 24, 2021 On 2/22/2021 at 12:52 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: I'm wondering if giving you the mattress was his way of trying to make you feel indebted to him, so you would keep him around. Not saying it worked, but perhaps that was his intention. In any event, congratulations on getting him out of your life. Unfortunately, men like this don't like to let go of a good thing that easily. Be careful. I agree! After breaking up I started feeling like he prob actually thought it would make me less likely to break up. He gave my son weights, daughter a used xbox, and another son got a used tv for gaming, I let the kids keep those things bc they use them but I asked them(they r teenager) if they felt weird keeping them. They said nope they use the items. I felt weird with him practically trying to move in , leaving 3 pairs of clothes ect. In the future I wont b having overnights or men over for months! This went way too fast and was off. 1
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