Sexual experience

February 19, 2021

Hi everyone,

I'm a 20m who got broken up with by my gf 20f 3 months ago. It was a 5month long relationship. We had been close friends for 6 months prior.

Because of covid we didn't really get the chance to be intimate with each other since she lived with her grandparents and immune compromised parents. However, they saw no end to covid in sight so they let her stay at my place for a weekend. During our entire relationship her aunt died suddenly (they weren't close), and her grandfather was slowly declining in her home. He had dementia and some awful things were happening. When she came over things already didn't seem right. She wasn't affectionate with me as she used to be; it was always me initiating all contact, and no affectionate talking like we used to.

In short, I tried to initiate us being intimate and I just couldn't get into it. It seemed like she really wanted to, but at the same time I just didnt feel wanted by her, and being my first time it was really nerve racking. After I couldn't get into it, she said "I knew this would be a disaster" and then covered her face in embarrassment. I got completely turned off after she said that. She did oral 3 times during her stay and it just felt numb everytime. She ended up crying at some point because I think she took it personally, or because of her home situation, I'm not sure.

She went totally cold on me a week or two later when her grandfather went bed bound--broke up with me a week before he passed (4 weeks later). She said she lost feelings for me and was ademenet that she didn't know why--she said there was no reason she wouldn't want to be with me. She strung me along for a month while I kept helping her through school work and listening to her cry. I had to cut her off because my body felt like it was shutting down from her hot and cold behavior, and she wouldn't say whether we had a future.

I went 32 days NC and came back. I asked if we could talk casually as well as a few reflections I had. She said that something substantial has happened since we last talked, she has a lot on her plate, and just doesn't feel comfortable bringing up that time right now. It ended up re opening all the old wounds I had.

My questions: should I bother checking in again in the future? Should I just wait and see if she gets in touch with me? She treated me poorly through all this but I still love her.

Secondly: I feel genuinely scarred by that sexual experience. It may not seem like much to some, but it kills me. I have terrible anxiety that the next person I'm with will lose feelings for me because my lack of experience. I don't when I'm going to find another person I love either, so it might only get worse--I don't do hookups. And it just feels terrible that that was my first time and first love. I already felt insecure because she was with someone else before me, but I don't know how I'm going to cope after this. I'm incredibly scared. Can anyone offer some advice or solace here? I feel incredibly broken from everything that happened.

Edited February 19, 2021 by Thunder27

February 19, 2021

So sorry this has fallen flat, and you are gutted. It's not the end of the world when ending a relationship. It's normal and healthy. It teaches us things about ourselves, and prepares us for other relationships to marriage. This is your first, but it won't be your last relationship. You are only 20 with your whole dating life ahead of you. Feelings do go away. By the time this all blows over, you won't love her anymore and have moved on. There are other people to meet and fall in love with.

Edited February 19, 2021 by smackie9

February 19, 2021

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So sorry this has fallen flat, and you are gutted. It's not the end of the world when ending a relationship. It's normal and healthy. It teaches us things about ourselves, and prepares us for other relationships to marriage. This is your first, but it won't be your last relationship. You are only 20 with your whole dating life ahead of you. Feelings do go away. By the time this all blows over, you won't love her anymore and have moved on. There are other people to meet and fall in love with.

Thanks Smackie, appreciate that. I'm not the biggest fan of dating, its more daunting and stressful to think about than fun. Especially when I read stories on here.

Edited February 19, 2021 by Thunder27

February 19, 2021

Give yourself some time to heal from this incident. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes things are not in our control. When you are with the right person, things will happen naturally and they will be patient with you and not judge you for your lack of sexual experience. This girl was not right for you. Thats all.

February 19, 2021

12 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

Thanks Smackie, appreciate that. I'm not the biggest fan of dating, its more daunting and stressful to think about than fun. Especially when I read stories on here.

The stories you read here are only of those people having bad experiences but that is such a small portion of all the people who are actually dating out there. People with good experiences will not come to forums asking for help. So don't think what you see on the internet is what is happening with everyone.

Edited February 19, 2021 by winny

February 19, 2021

13 minutes ago, winny said:

Give yourself some time to heal from this incident. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes things are not in our control. When you are with the right person, things will happen naturally and they will be patient with you and not judge you for your lack of sexual experience. This girl was not right for you. Thats all.

Thanks for your kind words winny, this helps. I'm always beating myself up everyday over what happened, and everyone keeps saying she just wasn't right for me. I think I just need to accept that even though I thought me and her were special.

Edited February 19, 2021 by Thunder27

February 19, 2021

12 minutes ago, winny said:

The stories you read here are only of those people having bad experiences but that is such a small portion of all the people who are actually dating out there. People with good experiences will not come to forums asking for help. So don't think what you see on the internet is what is happening with everyone.

Sadly I've been consuming endless amounts of bad relationship experiences from friends, family, and forums. Just feel scared, especially because this relationship was the worst experience of my life.

February 19, 2021

You are not compatible with this girl. It certainly won't help your self-esteem and confidence to continue being involved with a girl who makes you feel unwanted and insecure and uncomfortable. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on from this girl, be done with her, and start fresh. She is not the only girl in the world. You are so young and you are just starting out in your dating life. The way to get more confident is to just have more experiences. Don't allow yourself to avoid things just because you're anxious. Make yourself get out there and experience life.

February 19, 2021

14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You are not compatible with this girl. It certainly won't help your self-esteem and confidence to continue being involved with a girl who makes you feel unwanted and insecure and uncomfortable. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on from this girl, be done with her, and start fresh. She is not the only girl in the world. You are so young and you are just starting out in your dating life. The way to get more confident is to just have more experiences. Don't allow yourself to avoid things just because you're anxious. Make yourself get out there and experience life.

Thanks shy, I just don't know how much can be attributed to grief. In every other aspect, things seem to work smoothly and I've never felt such a connection with any person in general before. We used to talk for 6 hours a day, and we agreed on so much. I feel like if the timing was different, maybe it wouldn't have been so awful.

February 19, 2021

7 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

Thanks shy, I just don't know how much can be attributed to grief. In every other aspect, things seem to work smoothly and I've never felt such a connection with any person in general before. We used to talk for 6 hours a day, and we agreed on so much. I feel like if the timing was different, maybe it wouldn't have been so awful.

She was your first, if I'm understanding your post correctly. When you are inexperienced and new to relationships, you have a tendency to latch onto the person and have a really hard time letting go, even if the relationship is not good for you. You have a tendency to idealize the person in your mind and not see things objectively. Just be aware of that. You're not seeing things objectively. In the back of your mind you feel like she's the only girl in the world; your only option. That is very, very far from true.

February 19, 2021

2 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

I'm a 20m who got broken up with by my gf 20f 3 months ago.

I tried to initiate us being intimate and I just couldn't get into it.

I have terrible anxiety that the next person I'm with will lose feelings for me because my lack of experience.

Sorry this happened. Are either of you virgins or not in relationships before? Did you have privacy? This has nothing to do with the health of her family or grief.

It seems like you have significant performance anxiety and a therapist could help you with that. It could just be lack of attraction, lack of experience or lack of chemistry between you two. Don't worry about it. If you actually feel so upset about it, do contact your doctor/therapist to discuss the anxiety.

Edited February 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

February 19, 2021

1 hour ago, Thunder27 said:

Thanks for your kind words winny, this helps. I'm always beating myself up everyday over what happened, and everyone keeps saying she just wasn't right for me. I think I just need to accept that even though I thought me and her were special.

You were special...at the time. This is totally normal. You will have other special times with other girls. Change your mindset. I always was excited to meet someone new, or the adventure in it. Kinda hard when we are all stuck at home right now, but when life gets back to normal..hopefully by summer, there will be plenty of girls looking for the same as you.

Edited February 19, 2021 by smackie9

February 19, 2021

31 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She was your first, if I'm understanding your post correctly. When you are inexperienced and new to relationships, you have a tendency to latch onto the person and have a really hard time letting go, even if the relationship is not good for you. You have a tendency to idealize the person in your mind and not see things objectively. Just be aware of that. You're not seeing things objectively. In the back of your mind you feel like she's the only girl in the world; your only option. That is very, very far from true.

She was my first yeah. I'll keep this on mind, I'm sure you're right about this. Thanks.

February 19, 2021

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Are either of you virgins or not in relationships before? Did you have privacy? This has nothing to do with the health of her family or grief.

It seems like you have significant performance anxiety and a therapist could help you with that. It could just be lack of attraction, lack of experience or lack of chemistry between you two. Don't worry about it. If you actually feel so upset about it, do contact your doctor/therapist to discuss the anxiety.

It's my first relationship ever, and her second but first adult relationship. The thing is is that I was very eager to before, but something just didn't seem right when she was here. In the first few months I feel that I would been able to do it no problem. We did things over the phone a handful of times and it went very well too.

I think if she would have just said I love you or something then it would been fine, but there was just nothing. Maybe the spark died, I'm not sure. But I didn't have romantic feelings for her after she left, although it was hard to in general since she was crying the whole month.

Thanks for the response.

Edited February 19, 2021 by Thunder27

February 19, 2021

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You were special...at the time. This is totally normal. You will have other special times with other girls. Change your mindset. I always was excited to meet someone new, or the adventure in it. Kinda hard when we are all stuck at home right now, but when life gets back to normal..hopefully by summer, there will be plenty of girls looking for the same as you.

I hope so. Frankly, I just want a family, and that was something that really brought me and her together, even as friends. It might take a bit longer for me, but I try to stay optimistic. And you're right, going through a break up while locked at home is a nightmare. I'm in a group chat with 2 other people and we're trying to cope.

February 19, 2021

3 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

Sadly I've been consuming endless amounts of bad relationship experiences from friends, family, and forums. Just feel scared, especially because this relationship was the worst experience of my life.

Life will throw many curveballs are at you... relationships and otherwise. You cannot live life by fearing what all will go wrong. Remember you are strong enough to deal with bad experiences. You will deal with it. Face it with courage. Don’t let it bring you down.

February 21, 2021

On 2/19/2021 at 4:16 PM, winny said:

Life will throw many curveballs are at you... relationships and otherwise. You cannot live life by fearing what all will go wrong. Remember you are strong enough to deal with bad experiences.

If I may add to this wise advice - you can take pride because life has thrown you a curveball and you have dealt with it. Sure, this relationship didn’t go the way you wanted it to go but seriously - that’s life and I’m sorry to say, that’s relationships. Those who have not had a relationship fail have not lived. Think of it this way, the “worst” happened and... you are fine. Nothing has changed in your life such that you are not able to continue with school, enjoy your friendships, and date other women. In truth, you are better for this experience because you have a little more experience with women/relationships and you now have the knowledge that if the relationship doesn’t work out (for whatever reason), you will get through it.

On 2/19/2021 at 12:05 PM, Thunder27 said:

I have terrible anxiety that the next person I'm with will lose feelings for me because my lack of experience.

Not to be cliche, but with the right woman it will not matter. And respectfully, you are 20 years old. You are not expected to have sexual experience at 20 years old. Don’t make problems where none exist.

February 21, 2021

On 2/19/2021 at 1:02 PM, Thunder27 said:

Sadly I've been consuming endless amounts of bad relationship experiences from friends, family, and forums. Just feel scared, especially because this relationship was the worst experience of my life.

You are catastophizing. Take a deep breathe and stop with the “worst” and “I don’t know if I’ll find another girl” and “I don’t know how I will cope.” These kinds of statements are not true and they are not helping you.

There must have been good things about this relationship - you were friends for months, you say that you talked all the time. Of course, the relationship ended and it was an awkward and uncomfortable end... but, the memory of this experience will fade with time and as you have other experiences. It is quite simply, one moment in your life. I hate to tell you this, but you will go on to have other experiences - both good and bad. You will have other relationships - both good and bad.

Focus on the positive, the fact that you built a nice relationship with this woman and the fact that you broke up and the sun came up the next day. Do this, and you will create resiliency. If you focus on the way it ended, you will create anxiety and trauma for yourself. Stop collecting bad experiences, do something that brings you joy, and give it time... it will feel better with time.

February 21, 2021

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You are catastophizing. Take a deep breathe and stop with the “worst” and “I don’t know if I’ll find another girl” and “I don’t know how I will cope.” These kinds of statements are not true and they are not helping you.

There must have been good things about this relationship - you were friends for months, you say that you talked all the time. Of course, the relationship ended and it was an awkward and uncomfortable end... but, the memory of this experience will fade with time and as you have other experiences. It is quite simply, one moment in your life. I hate to tell you this, but you will go on to have other experiences - both good and bad. You will have other relationships - both good and bad.

Focus on the positive, the fact that you built a nice relationship with this woman and the fact that you broke up and the sun came up the next day. Do this, and you will create resiliency. If you focus on the way it ended, you will create anxiety and trauma for yourself. Stop collecting bad experiences, do something that brings you joy, and give it time... it will feel better with time.

Thank you, Bailey; I appreciate your responses a lot. I find myself getting worse, my chest feels like someone is sitting on it, and I'm experiencing heart pain. Posts like this are keeping me above water. I'm going to do my best to internalize everything everyone is telling me--I do want to be stronger from this. Getting through the initial pain is tolerable, but I just know what I'm looking for is rare, and dating is not something I look forward to. I'll try to stay optimistic though. You're absolutely right about building resiliency; I have a long time tendency of being pessimistic, I have to change my mindset.

There were absolutely good moments. The first two months being a couple were probably the best of my life. I'll try to treasure those, it kind of bought me out of a 10 year depression so I'm thankful for that. Its bad that I lost her as my gf, but it feels like I lost my best friend of a year too.

Thanks again.

Edited February 21, 2021 by Thunder27

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