Olga0987 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 Hi there, Ive been dating this guy for more than 6 months now.. he’s getting through divorce, has a daughter and recently his mum is sick and has work isssues as well. He told me that he needs some time alone bacuase he’s not in the best shape and don’t want to talk anybody. I told him that I understand it and I’m here if he needs me.. but his response was very cold but he thank me for understandin. I have the feeling that it can’t be the end of our relationship and I’m not sure what to do.. how long to wait for him to get in touch with me...
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 He has ended it. He did not appreciate your offer to stick around in case he needs you, as he knows he doesn't and won't need you, he is trying to get away from you, to put it bluntly. Divorcing men often get involved with women to help then through it, but once there is light at the end of the tunnel, and he starts to see the possibility of lots of other women and he is now a free man, then getting rid of the gf is not unusual. All these problems he cites could be improved by you being there, but he doesn't want you there so best to just move on... 2
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 38 minutes ago, Olga0987 said: I have the feeling that it can’t be the end of our relationship and I’m not sure what to do.. how long to wait for him to get in touch with me... You don’t. You live your life and if he comes back around, you deal with that then. I’ve been in a similar situation, dating for a few months before he told me that he needed time to get his life in order - also just getting divorced. We went our separate ways, I lived my own life - travelled, bought a new home, dated. A year and a half later, he sent me an email... and we now live together, it’s been five years. He says to me today that had we stayed together then, we would not be together now. So, I say let him go... he clearly has things he needs to deal with. If it’s meant to be, he will come back to you. But, don’t wait for him. Live your life and see what happens. 4
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 54 minutes ago, Olga0987 said: Hi there, Ive been dating this guy for more than 6 months now.. he’s getting through divorce, Do not date these men (or women). Do not date people with unfinished business. You always end up being a temporary balm on their wounds. 4
Author Olga0987 Posted February 18, 2021 Author Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) This doesn’t sound optimistic but thank you for a reply. Maybe I should also mention that he’s been honest with me for the whole time. He’s working a lot as he has a high position in the company and he has shared custody over hist daughter at the moment and spends a lot of time in car as well.. I’ve told him that I accepted that I will never be on the first place and I’m not going to fight about it. Ive seen how exhausted and emotionally drained he’s been recently.. but when we are together he’s focused on me. We talked about our future and he has told me that he wants to finish the custody case first and divorce to fully start a new chapter in his life. maybe I’m naive.. but I was the first woman that he’s been dating for so long.. I should mention also that he’s not with his ex around two years now (she was cheating on him) and I’m a little heartbroken that he would be able to finish it with me like that.. Edited February 18, 2021 by Olga0987
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Olga0987 said: Ive seen how exhausted and emotionally drained he’s been recently.. but when we are together he’s focused on me. We talked about our future and he has told me that he wants to finish the custody case first and divorce to fully start a new chapter in his life. Notice how this sentence is missing *with you*
Author Olga0987 Posted February 18, 2021 Author Posted February 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Notice how this sentence is missing *with you* Yes, he said with me. He wants to introduce me to his daughter but in the small steps as she is only 6 years old. I know that I’m giving a lot of excuses for him.. but I feel he wouldnt tell me that he wants to be with me and meet his daughter if he didn’t mean it. He s not a type of person who has problems with telling somebody straight to face to f*** off..
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 22 minutes ago, Olga0987 said: I should mention also that he’s not with his ex around two years now (she was cheating on him) It doesn’t matter. He has not settled his divorce. He has a lot to settle with his ex. He needs to care for his child. He’s got work stress and life stress... there is no place in his life for a serious relationship right now and he has work to do before he’s ready. Yes, it’s heartbreaking but better to let him be - it is not likely to be a successful relationship for you when there is this much stress and this much that needs to be sorted. It’s not that you are not his #1, you aren’t even on the list right now... 1
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Olga0987 said: I feel he wouldnt tell me that he wants to be with me and meet his daughter if he didn’t mean it. Maybe he did, but he has reconsidered. My guy thought he was ready to date and have a relationship too... but when the rubber hit the road, he realized that he wasn’t ready. Seriously, respect the fact that he has done the right thing by you - better to be honest than string you along and waste your time. Obviously, you wanted a different result here but you must respect his decision. Edited February 18, 2021 by BaileyB 1
Crazelnut Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 To be nitpicky and legalistic, this guy is married. You were a soft landing place during his separation, but he clearly is done with that phase. I'm sorry, but this guy sounds like just another confused divorcing "sad dad" who mistakenly thought he was ready for a relationship. 4
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) 53 minutes ago, Olga0987 said: Yes, he said with me. He wants to introduce me to his daughter but in the small steps as she is only 6 years old. I have no doubt he meant it when he said it. Here how it works when you date a man with unfinished business. They truly believe themselves when they say you're amazing and want to move on with you, but it's temporary, it's how they feel in the moment but at some point, when reality sets in, they start feeling differently and that's when they ask for *time* it's because they need to be away from you, to see if they feel better without you, it's the beginning of the end. Now, you on the other end are not coming out of a divorce, your head is clear, you're not struggling with the loss of a marriage, custody battles, financial loss etc. You have all of your head to know this man isn't in a place to know what he wants and everything he says is temporary. Edited February 18, 2021 by Gaeta 2
Miss Spider Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 Yeah sounds like a characteristic sign of those people who come in really hot at the beginning with no plans to follow through. I’ve been one of those people and it isn’t always fake/lie( but it certainly can be.) A lot of times people just get swept up in the lust, infatuation, fantasy etc and then it burns out just as quick as it started. Also co-signing on the whole rebound thing, probably. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 Still married usually means not ready for a new relationship. You were the rebound girl, and he broke up with you. 2
ShyViolet Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 I strongly suspect that he's using these family issues as an excuse to take a step back from his relationship with you. If he was really into you, he would want to get through these things with you at his side, not take a break from you. Just listen to him and accept it. Leave him alone. If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't then you will know it's over.
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 Why didn't you just ask if he wanted to end the relationship right then and there??? Go ask him now. If he doesn't answer, take that as a yes and just move on.
Wiseman2 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 8 hours ago, Olga0987 said: Ive been dating this guy for more than 6 months now.. he’s getting through divorce You dodged a bullet. 6 mos. dating should be about building Your relationship not untangling his marriage.
Snow_Queen Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 There are many red flags here but it doesn’t matter now. Divorce takes a while, years in some cases, to recover from. There is no need to wait for him to reach out. He clearly ended the relationship. He said, point blank, that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now.
spiderowl Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 People who are just coming out of relationships are not ready for real involvement; they don't have the time, space, mental capacity. It is natural that he would seek comfort, love and a good friend at such a time, but he is not in a place to offer what you need. If a guy asks for space, give him space and plenty of it. In most circumstances, it is a break-up. Assume it is a break-up and do not contact him. You need to be able to get over this yourself. I am not saying he has been dishonest, nor am I saying he was using you. He liked you and needed comfort. You have needs too and a guy who is confused and tired with all the conflicting demands on his life is not right FOR YOU. This is a time to look after yourself. It is best to be wary of anyone who has just come out of a relationship, especially if they did not choose to leave it. He did not choose: he divorced because the woman he loved cheated on him (if we assume he is telling you the truth). This means he may still be attached to her at some level. You deserve someone who is available to you physically and emotionally. Put this down as an experience you can learn from and once you have got over the feeling of loss, you can look outwards to something better, new opportunities that won't have all these complications. 1
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