heartbrokenwife Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 (edited) Dear all, I have been volunteering my time to a friend to help her non profit organization without any pay. I do not take pay because I learn from this volunteering. But I took a break from it last it because of all what I was going through. See my previous posts. Now I'm calmer and sorting my life out and back to volunteering with her. But when she proposed some changes to the structure suddenly I felt it might not be good for the organisation. When I tried talking to her she completely became defensive and said I did nothing for the organisation and commited no time and did not follow up on what happened now I'm judging her. I said I just want to talk and it just blew up in my face. After the fact, I msgd her we'll talk about how she feels about me not helping last year and talk about the changes when she is more receptive. How do you think I should have proceeded? Personally I feel I should walk away after my commitment gets over. I feel her behaviour and feeling were not justified. Edited February 17, 2021 by heartbrokenwife Additional info
MsJayne Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 If you give your time for free she has no right to accuse you of not contributing. As far as you disagreeing with changes she wants to make, if it's her gig it's up to her, but there's no reason to get huffy because someone offered an opinion. I would walk away if you don't feel appreciated. 1
ShyViolet Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 You are doing this on a volunteer basis, this is not your job and you are not obligated to do anything. You have a right to take a break from volunteering if you have other things going on in your life. If she is being combative and hostile to you, then just walk way. 1
Calendula Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 Walk away vs not walking away depends on whether you mean just the volunteer work or both the volunteer work and your friendship with this person. The volunteer work and the relationship with your friend are (or at least should be) two different things. If she is generally someone you want to keep as a friend in your life, then I'd encourage you to do as you intend, to talk to her about what happened, what your intentions were in speaking up about the changes, and why her reaction was as it was. I think we can all agree that sometimes people have bad days and take what are meant to be helpful suggestions in the wrong way for completely unrelated reasons. Maybe she wasn't in a good place mentally to accept suggestions or observations, taking them as criticism on top of her own fears or doubts as to whether the changes she was trying to make would be good for the organization. Maybe someone else had said similar things in a more negative way before you did and you ended up getting the backlash instead of that other person because she was closer to you emotionally. Maybe she truly doesn't want external input on her decisions and "help" that isn't wanted is never helpful. In this case it sometimes helps to preface comments or suggestions with the simple yes/no question, "would you like my opinion about ___?" rather than just volunteering your opinion spontaneously. It does sound like what she said to you was hurtful and unfair to you and an apology may well be warranted, but you still have to give her time and opportunity to see her error and offer such an apology. What could she say or do to make it right between you? If you can identify this (how to make it right), then tell her directly what it is and don't expect her to figure it out on her own. Friendship can sometimes be complicated by shared activities or responsibilities when relationship boundaries get blurred. If you haven't been a part of the picture for either her or her organization for more than a year, things with her may have changed more than you realize. She may also not be aware of what you've been dealing with. Your relationship with her may well need to adapt according to both of your new circumstances. Perhaps it will help to spend some time considering how you want this person to fit in your life in the future (if at all) and whether you still gain what you once did (or something new) from your participation in her organization. 1
Author heartbrokenwife Posted February 17, 2021 Author Posted February 17, 2021 Thank you all of you. In general she is a decent person. tries to be helpful. I too assume what Calendula said may be true. I felt she may have had a bad day. so I left her a text as I said we will talk when she feels better and I don't want to impose. No response from her. But I do think I will walk away from the volunteering. If my time and work is only valued and they don't care about me as a person i shouldn't be staying. Plus I don't feel a part of the team anymore. She said - its her program and her organization. If that's the case I have no business continuing this. I did not miss an entire year Calendula. I missed maybe six months and caught up quickly. She knows my situation too. she was just being an ass. I think its better we are just friends. Some people are not meant to work with each other
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