Year relationship & trauma

[gingerginger]

I'm (F) dating another who's older than me. We've had a fun and loving relationship the past year. I find myself incredibly comfortable with her and she has expressed how much she loves me and wants a future with me. In general I'm a cynical and doubtful person, about everything, so sometimes those feelings get in the way of what I want. Overall there is nothing wrong.  She's mature, has most aspects of her life together, kind, understanding, can give me space when needed, is attentive, and treats me well. 

Potential "problems":

We're different.

• I'm very quiet and introverted and even around my closest friends I don't share every single thought that flows through my head or every single thing that's happened in my life. On the contrary, she's disclosed a lot about herself.  I generally find my life uninteresting because for 70% of it so far, I was stuck in a place of depression.. I'm not in that space anymore, but the thing is there is not much to tell about my life.  She is talkative and discloses a lot about herself, even outside of our relationship. This doesn't bother me, but it worries me that I can't really match that. I genuinely feel like I have nothing to add. I'm a very simple person, who's life started late because of my depression. 
• She's very spiritual and holistic.  This hasn't caused much conflict but spiritually or religiously there isn't much I believe in. 

Trauma

• We both come from childhood trauma. Hers is without a doubt more severe than mine. I am deeply empathetic to that and cannot imagine living life through something so horrible that happened as a child.  Recently, something happened where that trauma returned and she had an episode/break. This was very difficult and she basically became a completely different person for a few days without warning. This included blacking out, spending tons of money, and generally not being herself. I helped her through it, but it just unwillingly changed my view of her. Now, I find it difficult because it seems like she is sensitive to everything in a way she wasn't before, or didn't express before.  She talks to me about how she cries everyday, over things that I personally would consider small. She also always speaks negatively about things in her daily life, like making doctor's appointments and how a certain thing will for sure have a negative impact and make things worse and cause more trauma.  It just feels like everything is connected to this trauma. Whether it's going for a walk in a neighborhood that's changed, being on the bus, working, appointments, dealing with medical bills.... it feels like it is everything. 
• I, on the other hand, have been hardened by the past year, the violence and presidency we saw, and my past in general. I do get sad, and I'm on depression medication, but I guess the smaller things in life don't bother me anymore. I don't think this is a good trait that I have, but it's just how I am. 
• I mentioned she's holistic, so she doesn't really believe in pharmaceutical help and would rather not have to take prescription drugs to manage her states. She also has friends, who are medical professionals, who feel the same way, and have shown support around not using prescription drugs.  While I think it's a good idea to be cautious of prescription drugs, I also find the idea that the "pharmaceutical industry is just trying to drug everyone" to be overblown, and kind of offensive considering I rely on prescription drugs to manage my life. 
• I find myself feeling impatient, and then I feel like a terrible person. It is just hard when everything comes back to that childhood trauma, and when she won't consider prescription drugs as a solution. I understand not wanting to be drugged, but it's hard when she talks about daily crying and how difficult it is to manage certain things.  I don't know if it's because I'm more internal, and she's more external, but we experience things so differently that I wonder if we are truly compatible.  

 

FYI, she is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, but doesn't seem to want to take their advice on medication to regulate her mood.  I don't know what to do. I love her, and we've had amazing times together, but I also don't know how to move forward from this. 

 

Edited February 16, 2021 by gingerginger
making more obscure

[Crazelnut]

Sorry you're having such a tough time in the relationship. I'm going to be blunt. Your R is going to be a soul-sucking experience if she won't do what her doc is suggesting. If she doesn't medicate, your entire life will revolve around her mental illness. Your mood will depend on her mood. Your needs will always come second. You will become her emotional caretaker.  It's a crappy way to live. Ask me how I know this. 

You need to have a serious talk with her. Make your staying in the R contingent upon her taking meds for her illness. (Btw, that sounds like a manic episode. If she is bipolar, it's *critical* that she stays on her meds.) 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Make your staying in the R contingent upon her taking meds for her illness.

Respectfully, you can’t force the woman to take medication. There is the fact that you can’t force someone to treat their mental illness, and then there is the feeling that you actually shouldn’t try to force someone to do something they don’t want to do. Ask me how I know this.

The decision to take a medication, even to treat a mental illness, is a person decision. There are many people in the world who have an undiagnosed, untreated mental illness. If you don’t like her decision, if her decision not to treat her mental illness is negatively affecting your mental health and happiness, as crazelnut says - the best option you have is to end the relationship. 

Your mood will become dependent on her mood. And to be fair, you are working hard enough to take care of yourself. You can’t be responsible for this woman. You can’t let her (unintentionally) ruin the progress you have made dealing with your own depression.

You need to take care of yourself. Sometimes, we love someone but we can’t be with them. We have to love them from afar. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[Crazelnut]

I don't see anything wrong with what I said. She is absolutely free to refuse medication, but she should understand that one of the consequences is losing her partner. 

[Miss Spider]

She won’t get help... the bottom line is being with a person who is depressed that won’t take their meds is hard(been there done that). It’s draining. Please try not to feel too guilty for that. If a person isn’t helping themselves, you become an enabler of sorts anyway. And any holistic/alt treatment steps she’s taking clearly isn’t helping. 

[spiderowl]

I'm all for people treating their depression with what works for them.  Some will use prescribed medication; some won't.  I have found that I need it.  If I don't take a small dose of antidepressant, I have pain, I get more depressed, I am more tearful and anxious.  I know full well if I stop taking them then I am likely to get like that again.  I choose to take them on the basis that feeling like that is pretty horrible.

I do know people who think everything natural is best.  Maybe it is?  Maybe they will live longer than me, who knows?  However, if they won't even try antidepressants to see if it will help, they are stuck with other options.  I don't know if herbal treatments work - I have never found anything that did.  Exercise makes no difference.  Counselling can help, with a good counsellor, but is not easily available through the local health authority and is expensive privately.

When I see people trying every natural remedy they can think of to treat something and yet not considering pharmaceuticals, I honestly think people are not being rational.  They do not know what is in some of those herbal or natural remedies and they believe that candles or stone massage or whatever is really going to help their depression.  Yes it might do because it feels nice!  I suppose massage type therapies are the best natural therapy because one is not swallowing unknown chemicals.  Taking herbal remedies is not really 'safer' than prescription medications in my opinion, unless a great deal is known about the effect of a herb and the quantities are carefully measured.  Even then, an individual can be allergic to it.  I have nothing against herbal remedies but with any medication one has to be careful of who is prescribing it and what is being prescribed.

The point I am making is, it can be hard to watch someone who clearly needs help, trying to treat themselves when it is not working.  You can stand and watch or decide it's not for you.  You don't have to go along with it for years and suffer that person's moods or struggles.  They have options, as do you.  I am not saying that people suffering depression have many options - it's just not true, too little is known about depression for us to have much to help - but struggling on with things that don't work is hard too.

She probably doesn't realise that antidepressants can help.  They do have side-effects which can bring their own problems.  They are not a magic bullet.  The problem with serious depression and anxiety is that people can become irrational.  It does not seem irrational to them to avoid whatever it is they avoid - like only having camomile tea because of the potential harm others might cause - but it can slowly get worse until it becomes a psychotic depression.  I have seen this in someone and it is worrying and very frustrating.  The depressed person suffers a great deal and becomes beset with anxiety and fears over all sorts of things.  I hope that is not what is happening with your girlfriend but it is a serious matter if it does.

Unless you want to live with this stress for years, I would suggest having a talk with her about the effects it is having on you and suggesting she consider prescription medication for a couple of months, just to give it a fair trial.  If she refuses to listen, then only you know whether you to continue coping with this or not.