There's no turning back

[Marc878]

She’s been slandering his family, etc. Probably blame shifting to cover herself which is common cheater script.

I see no point in rolling over being a doormat, kissing her ass and helping hide her affair which destroyed his family and maybe another. 

The truth is a good thing. That’s the consequences of cheating. 

As far as their child he can only control his end. From his posts walking off from not only him but their child as well I don’t see much in the way of motherhood from her.

 

[Marc878]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I see no point in exposing her to all and sundry or telling the other man's wife.
These are tactics to stop the affair, but as they are separated and reconciliation is not an option then who cares if the affair continues or not?

Her other mans wife could be going through hell and not know why.

He may be able to split them up but depressed and angry and shamed women tend not to make good parents... and he needs her now to be the best parent she can be for his child.

If you’ve read the first of his posts she’s not a good mother anyway. Who walks off and leaves their child? She needs a good wake up call. Maybe she can improve.

Stirring up the OM's wife will keep him stuck in the chaos, as will informing all around, and who really wants to be seen as "the poor man whose wife cheated on him". or "the guy who couldn't even keep his wife from straying".
That may not elicit sympathy, it may elicit derision actually.
Keeping schtum and moving on to better things is the best strategy.
Leave the past in the past.

She’s been slandering his family. I’d set the record straight. The truth is good.

He’s only caught up in this if he allows it. Expose then back away.

[elaine567]

 

50 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

She’s been slandering his family, etc. Probably blame shifting to cover herself which is common cheater script.

I see no point in rolling over being a doormat, kissing her ass and helping hide her affair which destroyed his family and maybe another. 

The truth is a good thing. That’s the consequences of cheating. 

As far as their child he can only control his end. From his posts walking off from not only him but their child as well I don’t see much in the way of motherhood from her.

All this is good if you subscribe to the scorched earth policy or if revenge and retribution is your goal, but the OP has to live with these folks, he has to try and bring up a child in this.
There is a thing called dignity and taking the higher path, instead of getting bogged down in hate, anger and misery.
A kid growing up in a toxic environment with its parents being at each other's throats is not going to be a happy well adjusted kid.

“In every crisis, doubt or confusion, take the higher path - the path of compassion, courage, understanding and love.” -  Amit Ray

[Marc878]

It’s not scorched earth. He’s just correcting the scorched earth his cheating wife already threw out there. The truth is a good thing. It sets the record straight. The high road does not mean rolling over and letting yourself and your family be walked on. 
 

With a good limited contact policy there is no toxic environment. You go your way and she goes hers. 

 

[heart_stumble]

10 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

You're getting divorced and living in separate residences. What do you expect to accomplish by confronting her?

She knows she's cheating, so what if she knows that you know that she's cheating.

Not seeing the point.

 

Setting the record straight. Divorce will take maybe an year to finally be done.

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I don't see the point in confronting her either, you are done. Stay done. Trying to stir things up before the divorce is settled is not in your best interests.
She is not going to roll over and beg you for mercy. She is going to go on the defensive or worse go on the offensive.
You want a smooth divorce and good child custody arrangements, the last thing you want is an angry ex putting a spoke into every wheel, costing you extra money for legal fees as you have to fight every decision. Worse than costing you money, it will keep you stuck in emotional turmoil for months even years.
Leave it be.
Yes she done you wrong, she knows she done you wrong, rubbing her nose in it will not give you any relief. 
You can't erase the past, and you need to have a good relationship going forward for your child's sake.
Concentrate on the future and trying to be the best co-parent you can possibly be for your child.

Not stirring things up or rubbing it in her nose, setting the record straight that this is the real reason there's no turning back. She will go on the offensive yes, be angry etc that's part of dealing with this. Going on the offensive - with petty reasons and excuses maybe she brings it too every decision we'll cross that bridge then. Emotionally I'm out, she can only harm me by keeping my child away from me, that won't happen. Slandering my family and all that nonsense has to stop IMO. She didn't marry  and live with them for 4+ years? Divorce will take maybe an year to go through, I think that's more than enough time to cool off

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I see no point in exposing her to all and sundry or telling the other man's wife.
These are tactics to stop the affair, but as they are separated and reconciliation is not an option then who cares if the affair continues or not?
He may be able to split them up but depressed and angry and shamed women tend not to make good parents... and he needs her now to be the best parent she can be for his child.
Stirring up the OM's wife will keep him stuck in the chaos, as will informing all around, and who really wants to be seen as "the poor man whose wife cheated on him". or "the guy who couldn't even keep his wife from straying".
That may not elicit sympathy, it may elicit derision actually.
Keeping schtum and moving on to better things is the best strategy.
Leave the past in the past.

Not exposing to all and sundry, only the people who matter.As far as OM's wife, I think that's vindictive.

7 hours ago, Marc878 said:

She’s been slandering his family. I’d set the record straight. The truth is good.

He’s only caught up in this if he allows it. Expose then back away.

This!! It's been limited NC so far, don't see anything stopping it from being that way going forward.

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

All this is good if you subscribe to the scorched earth policy or if revenge and retribution is your goal, but the OP has to live with these folks, he has to try and bring up a child in this.
There is a thing called dignity and taking the higher path, instead of getting bogged down in hate, anger and misery.
A kid growing up in a toxic environment with its parents being at each other's throats is not going to be a happy well adjusted kid.

“In every crisis, doubt or confusion, take the higher path - the path of compassion, courage, understanding and love.” -  Amit Ray

No revenge or retribution, WS can't have her cake and eat it. The high road = be a doormat. No thank you. I have no feelings of hate, anger or misery right now, moved past that but I have self-respect. Like @Marc878 said with limited contact no toxic environment. She will never see me in her house and vice versa.

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, heart_stumble said:

Not exposing to all and sundry, only the people who matter.As far as OM's wife, I think that's vindictive.

How is this vindictive?  She is in the same boat you’re in. Would you want her to inform you if she knew and you didn’t?

[heart_stumble]

So I confronted WS in person a couple of days ago. It went as I predicted, denial, denial until I presented undeniable evidence. Went to blame-shifting and WS seemed more concerned about the source of the information and who else knows..!!?? I was dumbfounded. Then she went on to the fact that she had checked out of the relationship, I asked her then why didn't she just walk away. Why keep up the lies and charade...keep me thinking we're reconciling when you're already out. Long story, it became dramatic, I told WS I have no intention now of using the evidence against her (it may mess up her career) WS's only thoughts were that I'm out to destroy her.

I left and decided to keep off for the next 2 days, then WS Dad calls me and it just sounds like WS talking - blaming my family for the breakdown and other issues that IMO could be worked around, says I should have not gone around shouting to the world about WS behaviour and should have talked to him about it first!!?? (I've kept it only to my family and very close confidants) This after he admits he first heard about our problems an year ago...and he's fine with what WS did and far as he's concerned its over. i didn't respond because in IMO there's nothing to say to him really.

Anyway the whole infidelity is being played down on her end, already painted the picture to her family that I'm out to ruin her. I'm not engaging in any arguments at the moment because it's all BS to me at the moment and WS only seems ready to fight and argue right now. Will give it a couple of days. To me facts are facts whether we face them now or later. Child sharing seems was going smoothly before confrontation, lets see how it goes now. It's still informal at this point.

[Marc878]

No surprise. Blood is thicker than water.  Her family will take her side no matter what. Her father is running interference for her.

You aren’t ruining or destroying her she did that herself.  IMO her father is nothing to you and I’d ignore him. No contact. Never answer him again.

Are you ok with this being blamed on your family? It isn’t your job to help hide her affair.
 

Again her OM’s wife should be informed. What are you afraid of?  It is the decent thing to do.

If you haven’t figured it out yet your soon to be x wife is an ordinary cheater. Nothing special about her at all. Very, very typical. They all lie, hide and deny.
 

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Marc878

[emprosnet7]

On 3/27/2021 at 12:47 PM, elaine567 said:

 

All this is good if you subscribe to the scorched earth policy or if revenge and retribution is your goal, but the OP has to live with these folks, he has to try and bring up a child in this.
There is a thing called dignity and taking the higher path, instead of getting bogged down in hate, anger and misery.
A kid growing up in a toxic environment with its parents being at each other's throats is not going to be a happy well adjusted kid.

“In every crisis, doubt or confusion, take the higher path - the path of compassion, courage, understanding and love.” -  Amit Ray

Some people must learn that their actions have consequences. Covering every time is giving the signal that they can get away with it and they never learn, causing more harm in the future.

[heart_stumble]

Well been a while since I posted here. I'll try to be brief:

in a nutshell, confrontation happened before Easter, over two days. Day 1 - We met at a public restaurant, not many people on the day so it was quite private. Basically she denied everything at first, saying she'd never do anything while still married to me. Showed her the evidence, the story changed to how she had already emotionally checked out by the time she decided to sleep with AP. Got on the offensive, more worried about the evidence leaking out and the damage to her reputation and OM...the whole time I'm like WTF? Really? In the whole sobby drama (by this time we'd moved to her car) Threatened quitting her job etc blah blah asked me to delete all the evidence and tried forcing me to declare how I got it. I gave her the copy I had printed out and walked out.

Day 2 - She calls and asks for a meetup, I oblige. Long story short > She tries to corner me into admitting I hacked her mail, I'm like we lived together...Shared a common laptop for many things, I think her Paypal password is still even saved on my browser 🙄 Then goes on to say she told OM about the evidence I have. I didn't respond, because I didn't see what that has to do with me, I feel it was to try and intimidate me because he's kind of a big deal. f*** that. I end with, I just want to have unrestricted access to my child and that whatever her and AP are doing should not hamper that.

Her Dad gets wind of the story, and it's painted that I'm out to ruin her life/career. Anyway I call him to tell him about the affair, He listens then starts on a rant and threats that he'll do what he can to protect his kids, even as far as supporting the A. In my mind it just sounds exactly like my STBXW talking - all the excuses > my family not being supportive, her feeling neglected by them, me giving up on the family (apparently since I spent a lot of time cycling last year) - I get to a point I don't even want to engage. He says some disrespectful things conversation ended.

After that I don't speak to her for about 2 weeks, only to schedule picking up my kid on Weekends. It's been about a month + since that whole scene. During the time she called to try and dig into how much more I know about her and AP, because during confrontation I didn't reveal all as it just became too dramatic. I don't indulge in this, just tell her there's nothing to talk about. At some point she chats me asking why I want to destroy her career...I don't respond. Then she says she's quitting her job.I don't respond. Then during one of the weekend child pick-ups tried to talk me into signing an agreement for child sharing and include a clause that I would never use the evidence about the A against her, I almost threw up. Instead I asked her to mail it, and i would seek legal counsel on the agreement. Nothing sent since, I think this was about 2 weeks ago. So last couple of interaction she seems to be nice, throwing some superlative comments on some things we have to handle for our kid - "very good news" checked up on me once - "how are you doing". I really don't want to entertain any of it because I still feel emotionally attached at a time when I'm trying to do the complete opposite. In my gut I just can't trust anything from her right now. Why does this feel like it's going to be tough 😤

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, heart_stumble said:

Why does this feel like it's going to be tough

You made it tough.
You poked the hornet's nest, what did you really expect?
Trouble is your poor kid will be the victim of all this adult fighting...

[Marc878]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You made it tough.
You poked the hornet's nest, what did you really expect?
Trouble is your poor kid will be the victim of all this adult fighting...

The kid will be the victim of a low life cheating and manipulative mother and her family. They have zero morals apparently.

[elaine567]

Just now, Marc878 said:

The kid will be the victim of a low life cheating and manipulative mother and her family. They have zero morals apparently.

Ok but the OP has now compounded things.

[Marc878]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Ok but the OP has now compounded things.

Nope, his wayward destroyed the marriage and blew up the family. [redacted]
 

 

 

Edited May 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating

[elaine567]

Well it is his kid, surely a father would want to do the best for his kid, not wallow in resentment and getting even...
The kid will respond to what he/she sees and his parents fighting over past stuff that cannot be resolved amicably, does the kid no favours whatsoever...
Here the OP had the choice to let sleeping dogs lie for the sake of his kid.
He and his wife are done, finished, finito... nothing good was going to come of raking over the coals again.
BUT he couldn't leave it be, he CHOSE to stir up trouble and his kid will now pay the price..
Well done that man....

[Harry Korsnes]

Question? Does say anywhere that the child knows?

[Marc878]

6 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Question? Does say anywhere that the child knows?

Good point. No it doesn’t.

[vla1120]

Anything she did that is jeopardizing her career is on her. That being said, I'm sure you wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her source of income since that's not in the best interest of your child.  The families shouldn't be so involved in these proceedings. Remember your child is half of each family. It's in the best interest of your kid to do your part in keeping the peace so your child can have the benefit of both families. Anything she does to ruin that is on her. 

Edited May 17, 2021 by vla1120

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Anything she did that is jeopardizing her career is on her. That being said, I'm sure you wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her source of income since that's not in the best interest of your child.  The families shouldn't be so involved in these proceedings. Remember your child is half of each family. It's in the best interest of your kid to do your part in keeping the peace so your child can have the benefit of both families. Anything she does to ruin that is on her. 

This takes two. He can’t do it alone. Truth is like poison to a cheater. They will use anything at their disposal including children to hide their actions.

There is a fine line between being the bigger person and becoming a disrespected doormat. 

[heart_stumble]

On 5/16/2021 at 4:39 PM, elaine567 said:

Well it is his kid, surely a father would want to do the best for his kid, not wallow in resentment and getting even...
The kid will respond to what he/she sees and his parents fighting over past stuff that cannot be resolved amicably, does the kid no favours whatsoever...
Here the OP had the choice to let sleeping dogs lie for the sake of his kid.
He and his wife are done, finished, finito... nothing good was going to come of raking over the coals again.
BUT he couldn't leave it be, he CHOSE to stir up trouble and his kid will now pay the price..
Well done that man....

For the record, we did not have a full blown confrontation/fight with angry shouting etc in front of our kid. It was very calm, Little one only got impatient because the car wasn't moving. Yup, I chose to not let sleeping dogs lie.

On 5/17/2021 at 8:19 PM, vla1120 said:

Anything she did that is jeopardizing her career is on her. That being said, I'm sure you wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her source of income since that's not in the best interest of your child.  The families shouldn't be so involved in these proceedings. Remember your child is half of each family. It's in the best interest of your kid to do your part in keeping the peace so your child can have the benefit of both families. Anything she does to ruin that is on her. 

True, I've said it before if she lost her income I would be forced to take care of her unless I launched a legal case against her showing she's unable to provide care. Nope, let the lawyers just eat from the divorce proceedings. How she handle's custody will determine whether its a gloves off approach, so far things are smooth. Anything else, little one is smart, she'll figure it out.

On 5/17/2021 at 10:34 PM, Marc878 said:

This takes two. He can’t do it alone. Truth is like poison to a cheater. They will use anything at their disposal including children to hide their actions.

There is a fine line between being the bigger person and becoming a disrespected doormat. 

True. I won't be surprised at any sudden moves to hide her actions, right now I only trust that she'll take care of herself and the little one, no one else. I'm done being taken for a ride. The disrespect is nonsense I chose not to be a part of.

 

Getting over it is a journey, it's been tough so far but I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Harry Korsnes]

On 5/21/2021 at 9:10 PM, heart_stumble said:

For the record, we did not have a full blown confrontation/fight with angry shouting etc in front of our kid. It was very calm, Little one only got impatient because the car wasn't moving. Yup, I chose to not let sleeping dogs lie.

True, I've said it before if she lost her income I would be forced to take care of her unless I launched a legal case against her showing she's unable to provide care. Nope, let the lawyers just eat from the divorce proceedings. How she handle's custody will determine whether its a gloves off approach, so far things are smooth. Anything else, little one is smart, she'll figure it out.

True. I won't be surprised at any sudden moves to hide her actions, right now I only trust that she'll take care of herself and the little one, no one else. I'm done being taken for a ride. The disrespect is nonsense I chose not to be a part of.

 

Getting over it is a journey, it's been tough so far but I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi there? Its been a while.

How you hanging out?

[heart_stumble]

On 5/30/2021 at 11:28 PM, Harry Korsnes said:

Hi there? Its been a while.

How you hanging out?

Hello good people. Hey @Harry Korsnes thanks for the check up. I'm doing fine about two months since I last posted here.

Co-parenting has been smooth so far. The only discussion which we didn't really come to agree on was play school for our daughter. I felt the cost wasn't justified for a 2.5 year old, but we got around to an agreement of how to go forward and get her in.

Besides that, the last discussion we tried to have about our relationship began with her bringing in AP's plight..."ow, he's so stressed blah blah" I was amazed at the audacity, managed to keep my cool. Tried to insinuate that one of my friends might be seeking vengeance on my behalf!?🤦🏾‍♂️ (he's a recent buddy of mine, who's really been there for me and she has never met him. Don't even know how she got around to getting his name) I knew it was total BS. I even called said friend who was shocked as I was. He frankly has his own life and issues to deal with, let alone being my hero. Anyway, I calmly brushed it off before and ended the conversation, paid for coffee after she left. I got to our meet point earlier and started working before she arrived. This was about a month ago.

She recently got an award at work, fruits from her past work exploits, during the time I stepped up daddy duties - bath times, time with little one, feeding play, development etc.She was like how she wouldn't have gotten it without my support etc...I just said congrats and you did well. Had me confused a little bit, why is she telling me this?

Overall I feel like I'm getting so much better. Got one room in the new house that's filled with stuff - some hers, for in-laws that I haven't mustered the energy to clean out. But I feel that coming very soon, given the progress. Been mountain biking a lot on the weekends, when I'm not with my young one. Thanks LS.