I Think Another One Bites the Dust

[Dis]

15 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

 Why, even tongue in cheek, do you suggest that he should have told you anything like this when you went into it with full awareness of the challenges you'd face?  You articulated all of these things very clearly in your earlier post.  

You appear to be taking some a victim stance; blaming your ex for having nothing but "breadcrumbs" for you, and blaming his son for existing.  I think that's very unfair and I feel sorry for the little boy.  This must be a pretty bad experience for him, especially since you've been having loud fights on the regular.  If a person has kids, the kids ALWAYS come first.  If that's not the case, the person has a bad character.   

 

 

Oh no! That came across the wrong way. 

I was going to phrase it as 'this is what it's like dating a single dad' I don't feel he owed me some kind of cautionary prediction

"*sent with comedic effect" because I was joking

I chose this, unwisely so. Not at all a victim. 

 

Feel like some things are misconstrued on here. Makes it tough to communicate and be constructive. Not sure I should've started this thread because people are being mean spirited and also just taking the things I'm saying the wrong way. I know that's the internet for you but this is hard enough as it is...I would rather just leave the thread alone

Edited February 18, 2021 by Disillusionment373

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Feel like some things are misconstrued on here. Makes it tough to communicate and be constructive. Not sure I should've started this thread because people are being mean spirited and also just taking the things I'm saying the wrong way. I know that's the internet for you but this is hard enough as it is...I would rather just leave the thread alone

The written word is often ambiguous Dis, that's true on every forum, social media, texting, emailing, etc.  

I believe we learn by "doing."  In retrospect, sure you could say I shouldn't have moved in, I should have known better, but you loved him and wanted to take a chance.  It might have turned out the other way too, you might have realized you loved being a step mum!  And had that happy family you always dreamed of.

Sadly, it didn't work out that way but you would have never known that had you not tried.

Yes it's true, his young son may experience some confusion, I am not downplaying that possibility, but kids are quite resilient, in time he will be okay.

When one door closes, another opens.  A door that makes way for the person more right for you to enter, and the person more right for your ex too!  It's all a journey.

Please continue posting and keep us updated!  And be happy!!!

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

15 hours ago, Kamille said:

I wonder how it is that you got stuck in this situation. And I don't mean: oh why didn't you heed all the red flags? More: since you knew this was going to be challenging, what could you have done so that it might have worked? Where could you have been assertive? 

Did you suggest activities that you enjoy doing that included the kid, you and your boyfriend? Did you set up romantic dates with you and your boyfriend that took into account his limited energy? What are you doing to make your sex life more exciting?

I remember reading your other threads years ago. While this situation is very different from those, your pattern is the same: you notice the flags, but instead of asserting yourself and giving yourself options to improve things, you cast yourself as lacking agency and power to change the situation, this, until your only solution is to up and leave. And you become miserable in the process. 

The benefit of being more assertive will be this: you will notice sooner when things aren't right and you will have the power to make the right relationship work. And that's what it takes to make a relationship work: not the right guy, free of any baggage who makes you the center of all his attention, but you acting to make your relationship YOURS, with your voice heard and taken into account from day one because you speak up for the well-being of the relationship. 

While it was a relatively quick decline (moved in in the end of July, total of over a year together), I did fight for it with everything I had

 

I voiced to my bf that I was unhappy about not having enough/romantic alone time, over and over and over again. But, there wasn't much he could do about it as the custody arrangement wasn't going to change and he wasn't open to maybe having his ex take him an extra day out of the week. Time and time again I told him how I felt like we lived separate lives on the days we had his son but (every one of our days off), he's a father first and foremost and subsequently, our relationship fell by the wayside. In the end the issues we had were things that weren't able to be changed. 

 

I also tried to involve his son in activities. Like feedings the stray cats or my cat (I lost my beloved male cat in June but still have another). I helped him pick the veggies I grew, I came up with some simple chores for him to do so he could spend some time off his video game which he plays day and night. I would give him a quarter at the end of every day he did well as a reward.  I really did try to imerse myself in in the 'family life' but I didn't enjoy it at all. I was trying to get myself to like/bond with his kid but I guess I didn't have it in me. 

 

In terms of what you said about me feeling I don't have the power or energy to change things before giving up...what I do is the complete opposite of that. When a relationship of mine isn't working I will go well out of my way to try to fix things, try to change anything within my power, communicate, attempt to problem solve and I'll do that not until I've done my part but until my reserves as a partner and a person are depleted. Which is why when I do walk away, I have no regrets about anything and do just fine on my own because I know in my heart there was nothing else I could do. 

 

I have tried and tried with my bf and soon to be ex. I have broached our issues from every angle and done everything within my power to salvage this. But, we have two glaring major incompatibilities which can't be remedied. First being him being a father and the second, his chronic health problems. And these two issues were more than enough to turn that switch in my heart off after as much effort I could muster was put in. I don't want to continue, I want to leave. Once I get that definitive feeling, there's no coming back because that feeling means there's nothing else that can be done. 

[Dis]

On 2/17/2021 at 5:59 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

This was inevitable, but I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I'm 10 years older than you, had the same hopes for marriage and family at your age (still do, but I know the odds are lower now for kids), and as I mentioned before, see a lot of myself in you. I'm also a starry-eyed Cancerian dreamer who grew up with an abusive, neglectful dad. 

So here's a little advice from 10 years in the future. 

First off, get out of there and get your own place again ASAP. As a nurse, you should easily be able to pick up plenty of extra shifts to pile up a bunch of overtime cash and move out fast. You don't like being at home, anyway, so put your energy where it needs to be. You won't be able to begin the healing till you're out of there.

After a healing period, focus on finding husband and father material. If you really want kids of your own, at 34, you don't have time to waste. The biggest mistake I've made in dating is not being picky ENOUGH, overlooking red flags and assuming it would all work out. I've learned that people reveal their character very quickly, and if something rubs you the wrong way, it's for good reason. Go slowly, get to know the person, take your time, err on the side of caution. 

Vet potential mates with your friends, therapist, counselor, this forum, and everyone close to you. Take heed of warning signs and don't bother with anything off or complicated. Move on and be strong on your own while you hold out for something really good. The right man for you will pass all the scrutiny with flying colors.

I 100% agree with the advice to avoid single dads completely. You don't need the baggage. 

Ultimately your issue is low self-worth. The only reason we ever settle for less than we want is we think we can't get it or don't deserve it. That desperation to couple up with anybody remotely appealing comes from a scarcity mentality. Replace that with an abundance mentality and get strong and stable on your own. 

LOVED this Ruby and so good to see you! Always love hearing from you

 

I've already started picking up extra shifts. The shift I'll be working on Saturday will be double time. Because you're right, I don't want to be home anyway and my goal is the get out ASAP. I can't tell you how anxiety inducing it is to be here. How miserable it is. I haven't wanted to get out of a living situation more in my entire life. Feel like I'm trapped even though I'm not and will get myself out of here. 

 

Besides my current bf, I never used to look for husband/father material. Not that I did that intentionally but now that I guess I wasn't really mindful of needing that in a partner. One of the reasons I chose my current bf is because he would be a loving husband/father, just not the right one for me. So I am starting to acknowledge that I need those things in a man. But at the same time I'm not picky enough at all. There are so many things I need from a man and it's like, once I find a few of those I just go for it without realizing I need even more than that for things to last. I do think I've made progress with being more selective but not enough. I think like you said, I'm not allowing myself to be picky because I feel like I'm running out of time and there's not a lot to chose from. (Scarcity mentality). But looking back on who/where I was before my bf, I had the whole world at my finger tips. I had a home I loved, lot's of dates, some good quality men to chose from and the continue to discover. I'm stunned I let that all go...for this  

 

And I am able to tell when I shouldn't be with someone pretty quickly. It's not hard to see after a little while. My mistake is not backing out once I figure it out. Once I get back to a good place like I was before all this, I'll go about things differently, like I should've back then. 

 

I love your advice because I feel like we're so similar. Thanks so much for imparting your wisdom   I need it 

[Ruby Slippers]

Girl, yes. I totally relate to everything you wrote. I think a sad reality is that people from abusive backgrounds tend to subconsciously recreate difficulties around us so we can work through them, resolve unresolved battles in ourselves. It makes us very strong and resilient people, but it doesn't have to be such a fight. Until we get our mind right, even with a glorious buffet in front of us, we'll choose the junk because it's familiar. We have all the best intentions, but an ingrained pattern of putting ourselves and our needs last. It's tragic. But predictable.

Learn from my mistakes! You don't HAVE to go through the same drama to learn the lessons. 

[Dis]

17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Girl, yes. I totally relate to everything you wrote. I think a sad reality is that people from abusive backgrounds tend to subconsciously recreate difficulties around us so we can work through them, resolve unresolved battles in ourselves. It makes us very strong and resilient people, but it doesn't have to be such a fight. Until we get our mind right, even with a glorious buffet in front of us, we'll choose the junk because it's familiar. We have all the best intentions, but an ingrained pattern of putting ourselves and our needs last. It's tragic. But predictable.

Learn from my mistakes! You don't HAVE to go through the same drama to learn the lessons. 

Read this and cried. 

 

What you said is something I've just realized and have been coming to grips with for the past few months. Never read something so validating in my life. 

 

I feel like half of the strife I go through, I create. I don't do it intentionally but I do it because I cannot be at peace with peace. If things are good between my partner and I, I feel like I don't belong in it. But if things are tumultuous, I feel right at home. 

 

The only reason I've recovered from the things I've gone through is because I go over and over it in my head. I recreate it. I relive it. I feel I need to do this to heal and piece everything together. I guess I'm trying to piece my childhood together via my relationships now which results in complete dysfunction. But it's like I can't stop. I have to keep figuring it out, acting it out, dreaming it out. And even after the worst fights and break ups, I'm totally fine...because it's 'normal' 

 

I've been talking to my therapist about ways to come to an end with all this and move forward in peace. She says it starts with forgiveness. When she told me that I was in the process of writing my parents a goodbye letter because I felt like having a relationship, although a very distant one wasn't healthy for me. But that didn't give me closure either. I just want to find out how to let go of some of this and gain some level of peace...if I don't, things will be this way no matter who I chose.  

[Dis]

On 2/18/2021 at 6:28 AM, elaine567 said:

Trouble was she was pretty self reliant, good job, nice house but she  threw her house away for "love" and got herself involved with a guy with a kid who earned less than her, was lesser in rank though older and lived in less salubrious circumstances...
She self sabotaged and "settled".

I really did

 

Before him I had a home I adored, was fully self sufficient and had a lot of options dating wise. 

 

My bf and I go into a fight months ago and I said, "I'm settling for the Salvation Army version of the Prada future I had always wanted". Super messed up thing to say and I feel awful about it. I would just hate my life if I stayed. I would be settling in every way. Settling for an already made family, settling for dealing with a kid I don't want to deal with, a guy who doesn't make too much money, a crappy apartment, no vacations. 

[Highndry]

On 2/16/2021 at 1:44 PM, Disillusionment373 said:

I really do love love. I love being in the presence of someone who cares about me, sharing moments, being affectionate, being 2 people together against the world. I love having someone to rely on in some way so much so that I'll just accept a partner without giving any incompatibilities too much thought.

It does not sound like you are in the right head space to be in any relationship, let alone one with a child. I kind of feel bad for this poor kid. You don't have to say anything for somebody, in this case his child, to know you don't like them. The vibe is there. I have read much about what you want and like, but little about what you're offering. Relationships are give and take, but mostly give. We give as much to the other as we can, and hopefully get as much in return. They are a lot of work and compromise. I don't think you picked the right person whatsoever, and I would hope, for the sake of the child and his dad, that you move out quickly.

[NuevoYorko]

18 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I would just hate my life if I stayed. I would be settling in every way. Settling for an already made family, settling for dealing with a kid I don't want to deal with, a guy who doesn't make too much money, a crappy apartment, no vacations. 

How are you feeling about your choice to remain in a situation you despise so bitterly - and not to tell this man that you are done -  because you find it more convenient than moving out pronto?   You will likely need  to put your vacations and a guy with money on hold for a little longer than you'd like, but it seems to me to be inarguable that moving now is the right thing to do.  

[Woggle]

At the end of the day you are not happy and in the long he will not be happy being with somebody who feels that way so just do the best thing for everybody and end it for good.

[Dis]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

How are you feeling about your choice to remain in a situation you despise so bitterly - and not to tell this man that you are done -  because you find it more convenient than moving out pronto?   You will likely need  to put your vacations and a guy with money on hold for a little longer than you'd like, but it seems to me to be inarguable that moving now is the right thing to do.  

It's been 7 days since I decided I was done

 

Who can move within 7 days of first deciding they were going to relocate? Sorry but that's not realistic. It takes planning, money and time to move. 

 

There are people out there who live with each other for a short time during a break up. It happens when people live together and I have no reason to feel badly about it when I'm actively doing everything I can to move out ASAP. 

 

I'm not telling him until the times looms closer because although I'd like to, I know him and I think it will be harder for him if I do that. I'm not serving myself by making that choice. 

Edited February 20, 2021 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

*** Also want to note I pay half the bills/rent at the apartment

 

I'm pulling my weight and would never rely on someone to do that for me

Edited February 20, 2021 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

17 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

*** Also want to note I pay half the bills/rent at the apartment

 

I'm pulling my weight and would never rely on someone to do that for me

Probably should've brought that up sooner

 

Kind of negates the living off my bf/taking advantage of him comments

[jspice]

53 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Probably should've brought that up sooner

 

Kind of negates the living off my bf/taking advantage of him comments

I don’t think a single person who commented on this thread thinks you’re taking financial advantage of him. You’ve made it clear that you earn more. Several times. 
 

You don’t seem to understand exactly what it is you did wrong in this situation and that means you’re just going to keep doing the same thing. You’re not the victim in this situation but you believe you are. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Who can move within 7 days of first deciding they were going to relocate? Sorry but that's not realistic. It takes planning, money and time to move. 

I did exactly this when I left my marriage.  I was gone within 2hrs of making the decision and took a couple of bags and a pillow.  A week or two later with access to a car, I packed more bags and then got a removalist van when I'd found a new place.   If you really want out, find someone who's got a spare bed or couch and move.  Arrange your new digs from there.  

[Dis]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

I did exactly this when I left my marriage.  I was gone within 2hrs of making the decision and took a couple of bags and a pillow.  A week or two later with access to a car, I packed more bags and then got a removalist van when I'd found a new place.   If you really want out, find someone who's got a spare bed or couch and move.  Arrange your new digs from there.  

That's wonderful you were able to do that girl

 

But I think it's a rarity, honestly

 

But I'm glad you got yourself out of a bad situation. I wish I had the resources to do the same. Also have a cat I would never leave behind and enough belongings to fill a 16ft to 20ft Uhaul. Not a van. And I don't even know who will help me move.

 

Suffering here

[Dis]

Also found out some very bad new tonight at work while working double overtime

 

My extra pay won't be issued to me until 6 weeks from now due to workplace policies 

 

I got home and had an anxiety attack

[Ruby Slippers]

Your stuff doesn't matter. Crash with a friend or family member and retrieve your stuff when you can, either in your new place, in storage, maybe sell off a lot of it.

I've lived with a boyfriend twice. Both times, one us moved out within days of breaking up. It's not easy but you figure it out.

You don't have to, but you'll be in limbo as long as you're there.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I wish I had the resources to do the same. Also have a cat I would never leave behind and enough belongings to fill a 16ft to 20ft Uhaul. Not a van. And I don't even know who will help me move.

Parents? Friends?  Is there nowhere that you and your cat could go?

The stuff can go into a storage unit if you're not willing to ask him to house it for a month or so.  The removalist's job is to help you move.  

[Dis]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

Parents? Friends?  Is there nowhere that you and your cat could go?

The stuff can go into a storage unit if you're not willing to ask him to house it for a month or so.  The removalist's job is to help you move.  

Thanks for you gentle response. This has been really hard and it's not easy. I really am trying my best.

My parents live out of state. My friends do too otherwise I would stay with them. I did have an offer from a guy I used to date, but I'm not taking it as he's not the nicest person and is clearly only offering because he wants to hookup. 

 

The storage unit I do have is very small yet it costs a lot of money per month. It's all filled up. Removalists cost a good amount of money in my state. 

 

Honest to God, hand to God. Physically and financially, I don't have the option to move until I save up and find a semi-permanant place to live. 

 

Plenty of people cohabitate during a break up and I guess I'm one of them. Currently my cousin and a friend are having to do the same. I think with sites like LS,  posters tend to be overly critical and extremely unrealistic with the solutions they present. And if they were in the same position as me, they would do the same as I'm doing. We can't move mountains in the real world. At the end of the day, this isn't an abnormal situation and if I had an accountant or a real estate agent's input to vouge for my situation, they would reiterate that a move is just not possible at this point in time.

 

I know in my heart I'm doing my very best to move asap. I'm doing anything wrong. I will move eventually and will wish my bf and soon to be ex all the very best this world has to offer. My side of the street is clean and so is his. We just weren't right for each other. 

Edited February 22, 2021 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

18 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Your stuff doesn't matter. Crash with a friend or family member and retrieve your stuff when you can, either in your new place, in storage, maybe sell off a lot of it.

I've lived with a boyfriend twice. Both times, one us moved out within days of breaking up. It's not easy but you figure it out.

You don't have to, but you'll be in limbo as long as you're there.

I don't have anywhere to go besides a guy's house who I used to date who offered to let me live with him. He doesn't have good intentions. Just wants to hookup. 

 

My stuff doesn't matter. But having an option to live somewhere else does. 

[Highndry]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I did have an offer from a guy I used to date, but I'm not taking it as he's not the nicest person and is clearly only offering because he wants to hookup.

Wow...

[Dis]

14 minutes ago, Highndry said:

Wow...

Yeah, I know. Not good. 

[Dis]

 

***UPDATE***

I told my bf tonight

 

I'm currently sobbing so bear with me. I told him I was going to move out. He was so, so kind about it. He told me he knew. When we stopped having sex and with me being distant. He knew. We cried and hugged each other. I thanked him for being so sacrificial in attempt to make this work. I thanked him for doing everything he did. We even talked about my financial situation and when I can move out. He said he would help me move but I respect him too much to let him do anything but heal. I told him that. I told him how could I ever find anyone as kind and wonderful as him? We cried and laughed during the breaks of crying. I told him I didn't want to hide anything from him. I didn't know if it was better if I told him sooner or later. He said he knew anyway. 

 

I told him how I've been hearing people say that because I couldn't handle his kid, that I'm not meant to be a mom and wouldn't be good to my kids. How that was breaking my heart.  He hugged me and told me his son vs my kids will be two very different things and I would be a great mom. How can I say goodbye to this man? The kindest man. 

 

We laughed about inside jokes. We cried about letting go. I told him I was crawling in my skin being here but I would miss him so much. He told me he could tell. That I seemed like a compressed coil. I asked him, how is it going to be with us now? He said we will continue on how we have been the past 3 weeks. We will love each other before we say goodbye.

 

Break ups are so much harder when you really love each other and the only reason why you're leaving is because of external circumstances 

 

I tucked him  into bed as he wasn't feeling well. I kissed him and then kissed him on his forehead. We both said, "Good night babe, I love you." 

 

And that was that and now I am turning into a pile of tears on the couch

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Disillusionment373

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

 

***UPDATE***

I told my bf tonight

 

I'm currently sobbing so bear with me. I told him I was going to move out. He was so, so kind about it. He told me he knew. When we stopped having sex and with me being distant. He knew. We cried and hugged each other. I thanked him for being so sacrificial in attempt to make this work. I thanked him for doing everything he did. We even talked about my financial situation and when I can move out. He said he would help me move but I respect him too much to let him do anything but heal. I told him that. I told him how could I ever find anyone as kind and wonderful as him? We cried and laughed during the breaks of crying. I told him I didn't want to hide anything from him. I didn't know if it was better if I told him sooner or later. He said he knew anyway. 

 

I told him how I've been hearing people say that because I couldn't handle his kid, that I'm not meant to be a mom and wouldn't be good to my kids. How that was breaking my heart.  He hugged me and told me his son vs my kids will be two very different things and I would be a great mom. How can I say goodbye to this man? The kindest man. 

 

We laughed about inside jokes. We cried about letting go. I told him I was crawling in my skin being here but I would miss him so much. He told me he could tell. That I seemed like a compressed coil. I asked him, how is it going to be with us now? He said we will continue on how we have been the past 3 weeks. We will love each other before we say goodbye.

 

Break ups are so much harder when you really love each other and the only reason why you're leaving is because of external circumstances 

 

I tucked him  into bed as he wasn't feeling well. I kissed him and then kissed him on his forehead. We both said, "Good night babe, I love you." 

 

And that was that and now I am turning into a pile of tears on the couch

 

Breaking up is hard to do, but you did the right thing. Sorry, dis. Hope you feel better soon