I Think Another One Bites the Dust

[Dis]

Just now, jspice said:

She’s just calling a spade a spade. 

A spade a spade?

 

Telling me I did something I didn't is not calling a spade a spade. 

[Allupinnit]

You're squatting with this guy and kid because your financial life is a mess and you don't have the means to support yourself.  So they have to put up with you while you secretly wish you were anywhere else.  

No, my life is not perfect.  I am a stepmom myself and I warned you just how hard it is - I've made my share of mistakes for sure but what my H and I had was commitment and we don't bounce out the minute one of us "isn't happy."  Family and commitment aren't just something you try out for a few months and start cruising dating sites the moment things didn't turn out as you knew they would.  This is serious business and you're acting like a victim unlucky in love.

Own your life and your choices.

Best of luck to you.

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal message.

[Dis]

On 2/16/2021 at 8:04 PM, Allupinnit said:

You're squatting with this guy and kid because your financial life is a mess and you don't have the means to support yourself.  So they have to put up with you while you secretly wish you were anywhere else.  

No, my life is not perfect.  I am a stepmom myself and I warned you just how hard it is - I've made my share of mistakes for sure but what my H and I had was commitment and we don't bounce out the minute one of us "isn't happy."  Family and commitment aren't just something you try out for a few months and start cruising dating sites the moment things didn't turn out as you knew they would.  This is serious business and you're acting like a victim unlucky in love.

Own your life and your choices.  

Best of luck to you.

You're not making sense

 

So when you date someone with a kid, you can't leave even if it doesn't work out? That doesn't make any sense. 

 

Dating is hard enough but dating someone with a kid increases the odds of the relationship ending and I'm not saying somewhere I'm not happy and I don't want them to be unhappy by me staying either. It wouldn't be healthy for anyone if I stayed. 

 

Despite what you're assuming I went into this with a hopeful heart and with every intention of making this work for everyone involved, including his child. But people are people and we are not always guaranteed a happy ending even if there is a kid involved. 

 

Who says I'm squatting? What a nasty thing to say. Or using him for money? I make more than him. Usually when people need to move they do need  little time to save up for security deposits and moving expenses. I'm not unique in that sense. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comments.

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship!

Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?!

Humans are naturally serial monogamists, so consider reframing the failed relationships as normal relationships that ended.

It did seem you were trying to make a situation work that wasn't overly likely to. If you stayed in for yelling, you gave it a real shot IMO. If you (the both of you) can't get past that and reconcile/get back to getting along - well, to me that signifies genuine incompatibility. Probably the stress of semi-lockdown and your work situations has intensified everything.

I hope you are the kind of woman who likes her own kids even if you don't like others'. There are some women who view their kids as a ball-and-chain and I don't think it's particularly fair (or psychologically healthy) for the kids. Something to think about. This is NOT a recommendation, but given how you like wine in your underwear (IIRC), fun dates etc - well, life might be both easier and a lot funner without them. They are their own rewards (massive oxytocin boosters) but that doting, "cutesy" form of love + "mom duties" really isn't for everyone. Some genuinely love it, others not so much.

But at any rate, sounds like it's time to give things another go...

[mark clemson]

BTW, you might go really deep with that therapist for a bit in advance of starting to date another.

As for impact on the kid (as other posters have been mentioning) - I don't think you staying around for shouting matches and aggravation with the Dad and simmering resentment from you are going to do him much good. At any rate, what's done is done and ultimately he's his father's responsibility and not yours. You tried, it didn't work out. For next time around, consider avoiding single fathers if possible/as much as possible, as others have mentioned.

[Dis]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Humans are naturally serial monogamists, so consider reframing the failed relationships as normal relationships that ended.

It did seem you were trying to make a situation work that wasn't overly likely to. If you stayed in for yelling, you gave it a real shot IMO. If you (the both of you) can't get past that and reconcile/get back to getting along - well, to me that signifies genuine incompatibility. Probably the stress of semi-lockdown and your work situations has intensified everything.

I hope you are the kind of woman who likes her own kids even if you don't like others'. There are some women who view their kids as a ball-and-chain and I don't think it's particularly fair (or psychologically healthy) for the kids. Something to think about. This is NOT a recommendation, but given how you like wine in your underwear (IIRC), fun dates etc - well, life might be both easier and a lot funner without them. They are their own rewards (massive oxytocin boosters) but that doting, "cutesy" form of love + "mom duties" really isn't for everyone. Some genuinely love it, others not so much.

But at any rate, sounds like it's time to give things another go...

Hey Mark! Hope you're well. 

 

Guess I'm just not ready for kids yet even if they aren't my own.

 

I will be happy to make all the sacrifices I need for my kids when I'm ready but I guess I'm just not okay with doing that for anyone else's kid. I didn't find step parenting to be rewarding at all and I don't think I felt anywhere close for this kid as I would about my own. 

 

I'm just going stir crazy here and that combined with me itching to get out of here...I have so much anxiety. We rarely ever went out to the point where I told my bf how unhappy and pent up I was and he responded with, "Want to go to the gas station?" Smh! 

 

I spent all my days just kind of existing in the background while my bf and his son played video games. Where would I fit into that? I don't know how I would even start assimilating to this life. 

There is no chance of reconciling. In my heart I'm done and everyday I'm working towards moving out. 

[Dis]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

BTW, you might go really deep with that therapist for a bit in advance of starting to date another.

As for impact on the kid (as other posters have been mentioning) - I don't think you staying around for shouting matches and aggravation with the Dad and simmering resentment from you are going to do him much good. At any rate, what's done is done and ultimately he's his father's responsibility and not yours. You tried, it didn't work out. For next time around, consider avoiding single fathers if possible/as much as possible, as others have mentioned.

You will have to remind me to breathe before you have to remind me to stay away from single fathers lol 

 

We don't fight anymore. I'm done with the relationship so there's no sense in fighting for it. The only reason why we argued so much was before we knew we couldn't change our issues so I guess it was our way of doing the very little we could do to express our frustrations and have some kind of control. 

 

I honestly do think his son will be happy when I leave. He doesn't seem to like me too much. I think it will be good for him and my bf for them to get back to their lives. 

 

I will go into a lot of depth about this with my therapist and won't date until I do a lot of reflection and come up with ways to be healthier in my relationships. 

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I will go into a lot of depth about this with my therapist and won't date until I do a lot of reflection and come up with ways to be healthier in my relationships. 

   

I think that's smart dis.  I am doing the same.  Wishing us both the best of luck! 

[Dis]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

   

I think that's smart dis.  I am doing the same.  Wishing us both the best of luck! 

poppy I just read your thread about your break up and I feel like I could've written it!

 

My last ex was verbally lashing and by the end of it I felt as if I had been reduced to a puddle...so I didn't cry after the break up either. Also like you, when I felt my relationships were over, it happened really quickly. In the blink of an eye. One last straw breaks and my heart immediately checks out. 

 

Also the issues regarding childhood abuse and how we seek out the opposite of what is healthy for us. We seek out the traits of the abusive parent. I never respected a man unless I knew he was going to be assertive, aggressive and tbh, treat me poorly. I passed up on so many guys who would've treated me so well because I was so turned off by how kind/attentive/gentle they were. 

 

If there is anything I'm grateful for about this relationship, although it's coming to an end, is that it feels really nice to be treated well and I've actually started to develop at taste for nice men and a dislike for men who I can sense have that a**hole vibe. 

 

I hope you're in NY now and at peace with your new exciting life! So brave of you to make such a big transition during a break up. Really admirable. 

 

I'm also a water sign, Cancer! 

[Interstellar]

Well, he’s in love with you not with his son. His love for you is different  compared to his son. A romantic one, and the other the parental kind.

Having said that, you don’t like his son and it’s better to break it off with him and date someone with no kids.

Edited February 17, 2021 by Interstellar

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry.  

I've followed your threads for a long time and posted in them.  

A pattern I see is not only that you jump into things that are clearly not good choices very quickly, but you come here and ask what people think before you make the leap.  Consistently LS members advise that you don't jump, but you jump.

Not saying that internet strangers should be determining your life path; my feeling is that you already know it's not a good choice.  Why do you ask for advice?

There seems to be a bit of defiance at play.  Not of the internet strangers, but of reality.  It's like you believe that "love conquers all" and you are going to prove it to the naysayers.   But you're setting up scenarios that are 99% clearly impossible.  This was one of them.  You'd only been dating a few months, I think you'd met the kid one time, you knew you loved your home and would be moving to a place that was small and not what you like, that you'd be with the kid on every day off.  You thought his ex was a bad person without ever meeting her.  You even mentioned specifically that it would be a problem for you not to be able to walk around in your underwear and have spontaneous sex.  Nothing at all wrong with that!  It's absolutely valid - and completely impossible in the life you were getting into.  There is something wrong with setting yourself up for heartache, not to mention then needing to start over with a whole new home.

It's also a pattern that you get defensive when you get responses that you don't like.  These forums do bring out the mean in a lot of people.  We risk that when we come here with our problems.  It's very predictable.  

You coming here with these experiences is actually meaningful to explore.  

I will challenge you on one area where you're defensive:  the "why not take a chance on love" angle.  

Yes, we need to take that chance if we want to find a true loving relationship.  BUT, as adults, we need to gather information and experience and be realistic about what we get before we jump into an entirely new life - especially when it's a life that we know without much doubt at all that we won't like.  Why?  Because a person makes us feel good.  That is not mature or healthy.  

You have been in abusive relationships and I can see why; you'd be extremely susceptible to "love bombing."  A bad person can make another person feel like the most desired, cherished one in the world.  This guy, of course, was not doing you harm and I'm sure he did it all out of real love for you, but for good self care you really need to develop much more standards than feeling that you're on a pedestal in order to jump into a relationship.

It's a fact that no person will remain on a pedestal, no matter who they are or who put them there.

For me personally, a woman who wanted to be the center of my life to that extent would send red flags waving.  I honestly think you will attract men with problems, if they are in your age range and are prepared to abandon their other interests, friendships and independence in order to lavish all of their attention on their romantic interest.  It seems unhealthy to me and like the man might not have much of a life of his own.  

I'm glad to see you and hope you don't leave when you get sick of people's opinions.  If the person is being cruel just block them.  I'd like to know how it goes in your therapy.  If you choose to learn new ways to approach a relationship I think you can actually use the input of people who are familiar with your patterns to your benefit.

Take care. 

Edited February 17, 2021 by NuevoYorko

[Dis]

15 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's not that messed up. It's how MANY if not most non-parents feel about their partner's children. There is a reason why it's better for a parent to date another parent. 

You need to respect your own limits. There is nothing wrong in not wanting to date a man without children. Your mistake is to not listen to your own limits.

G, read your thread

Took me by surprise 

You are are so strong and loved ((((hugs))))

[Dis]

51 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sorry.  

I've followed your threads for a long time and posted in them.  

A pattern I see is not only that you jump into things that are clearly not good choices very quickly, but you come here and ask what people think before you make the leap.  Consistently LS members advise that you don't jump, but you jump.

Not saying that internet strangers should be determining your life path; my feeling is that you already know it's not a good choice.  Why do you ask for advice?

There seems to be a bit of defiance at play.  Not of the internet strangers, but of reality.  It's like you believe that "love conquers all" and you are going to prove it to the naysayers.   But you're setting up scenarios that are 99% clearly impossible.  This was one of them.  You'd only been dating a few months, I think you'd met the kid one time, you knew you loved your home and would be moving to a place that was small and not what you like, that you'd be with the kid on every day off.  You thought his ex was a bad person without ever meeting her.  You even mentioned specifically that it would be a problem for you not to be able to walk around in your underwear and have spontaneous sex.  Nothing at all wrong with that!  It's absolutely valid - and completely impossible in the life you were getting into.  There is something wrong with setting yourself up for heartache, not to mention then needing to start over with a whole new home.

It's also a pattern that you get defensive when you get responses that you don't like.  These forums do bring out the mean in a lot of people.  We risk that when we come here with our problems.  It's very predictable.  

You coming here with these experiences is actually meaningful to explore.  

I will challenge you on one area where you're defensive:  the "why not take a chance on love" angle.  

Yes, we need to take that chance if we want to find a true loving relationship.  BUT, as adults, we need to gather information and experience and be realistic about what we get before we jump into an entirely new life - especially when it's a life that we know without much doubt at all that we won't like.  Why?  Because a person makes us feel good.  That is not mature or healthy.  

You have been in abusive relationships and I can see why; you'd be extremely susceptible to "love bombing."  A bad person can make another person feel like the most desired, cherished one in the world.  This guy, of course, was not doing you harm and I'm sure he did it all out of real love for you, but for good self care you really need to develop much more standards than feeling that you're on a pedestal in order to jump into a relationship.

It's a fact that no person will remain on a pedestal, no matter who they are or who put them there.

For me personally, a woman who wanted to be the center of my life to that extent would send red flags waving.  I honestly think you will attract men with problems, if they are in your age range and are prepared to abandon their other interests, friendships and independence in order to lavish all of their attention on their romantic interest.  It seems unhealthy to me and like the man might not have much of a life of his own.  

I'm glad to see you and hope you don't leave when you get sick of people's opinions.  If the person is being cruel just block them.  I'd like to know how it goes in your therapy.  If you choose to learn new ways to approach a relationship I think you can actually use the input of people who are familiar with your patterns to your benefit.

Take care. 

Hi Neuvo!!! So good to see you! Thank you for this!  

 

As always, hitting the nail on the head

 

Funny you mentioned me believing love with prevail above all else because when my bf and had that talk the other night, I knew that love, on it's own, wasn't enough to make things work. Not in the least. There were soooo many initial incompatibilities regarding who were were and I agree this stood next to no chance of working...to the point where I'm in disbelief looking back on my decisions now. It almost feels eriee how significantly I overlooked all the warning signs that not only was this not going to work, but I gave up my beautiful house...for this. It honestly feels like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I'm stuck for now in an apartment I hate I hate, with a kid I just don't like and a man I let go of and it feels like I'm in purgatory. I can't tell you how awful this feels. When I do move out I feel like I'm going to spend the first hour in my new place crying tears of relief. 

 

And like you said, this is a situation I put myself in despite knowing full well this was never going to work. I really did want to believe in our love and some miraculous turn around where I wake up on day and I just suddenly do a 180 and I love everything. The level of delusion I was at is unbelievable. I'm not trying to admonish myself but I'm just really really disappointed in my choices here. I would equate it to meeting some cute guy on the street at night in a bad area in the rain and he tells me to come back to him place to dry off and I know it's  bad idea but I go and then end up getting locked up and tortured or something. Wtf is my head at?  

 

And yeah, looking back on it, as I said before, the only reason I went into this was because he treated me so well and that was new and much appreciated. But like you said, that wasn't enough to make this work, not when we were incompatible in every other way. I just got carried away with how wonderful he was and turned a blind eye to everything else that negated the main reason I wanted to be with him. 

 

As for how I feel about my bf having hobbies or friends, doesn't bother me at all. Those things are a far cry from having a kid who takes up every second of every day off. 

 

I've learned in all this that a working relationship requires many areas of compatibility, not just one or two. I think that's the crux of where I went wrong in this. I thought because he was good to me that would override all our other problems. Not. The. Case. I will be addressing all this with my therapist for what will probably be a long time. I like her and I need to figure this all out. I'll keep posting because I don't have a lot of support elsewhere and for the most part, people are wonderful here. 

 

As far as me being defensive, I'm open to constructive feedback and do need to hear it, but not nasty comments. That coupled with how anxious I am being here when I want nothing more than to leave...I'm having a hard time. Like I said, this feels like a nightmare. Feels like I'm trapped in some kind of hell, physically. 

Edited February 17, 2021 by Disillusionment373

[Wiseman2]

It's a good call to get out of there like a bat out of hell.

In the meantime, ignore him and focus completely on finding a comfortable affordable place to live.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I totally get it. I hate being around kids for exactly the reasons you say. Unlike you, I never wanted my own. I don't even find them cute at any age - just extremely annoying. The only ones I can tolerate are those that are quiet so that I can pretend they are not there.

I have also stopped dating for this reason. I am few years older and 90% of men have kids (the rest want to have kids and are looking for women in their 20s). And it's not just the kids, it's also the weird baby mamma dynamic. Somehow they are always pushy and obnoxious. You always play second fiddle to the kids and sometimes to the ex as well. Divorced men will spend all their salary on child support/kids which means almost none left for dinners out, flowers, gifts for you. And you have to be understanding because to the whole world their kids are supposed to be the center of universe.

Just a word of caution: I have noticed a sharp decline in what is available on the dating market at around 37. That's when last of the last decent, single people pair up. Also for men wanting children, that's the age where they stop considering you as an option for a LTR, they will still do casual of course.

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

The level of delusion I was at is unbelievable. I'm not trying to admonish myself but I'm just really really disappointed in my choices here.

I’ve noticed a pattern with people who came from dysfunctional childhoods, and one of those patterns seems to be an idealization/ fantasy of what love and marriage is. Likely it’s because they weren’t exposed to a healthy relationship during their formative years, so their ideas of love came from books, movies and TV shows. There is a “love conquers all” theme that persists in these formats. And yes, it is delusional. 
 

The other thing I’ve noticed about your posts @Disillusionment373 is the emotional extremes. It’s possible that you struggle with self soothing (not uncommon considering the trauma you experienced as a child) so your emotions are extreme. High highs, and low lows. That also leads to questionable behaviors as you “chase” the highs and fear the lows. It’s good to think rationally about things so the downwards spiral can get put into perspective. Also good to remember that feelings/emotions don’t mean anything. They shouldn’t be used to guide our behavior.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I totally get it. I hate being around kids for exactly the reasons you say. Unlike you, I never wanted my own. I don't even find them cute at any age - just extremely annoying. The only ones I can tolerate are those that are quiet so that I can pretend they are not there.

I have also stopped dating for this reason. I am few years older and 90% of men have kids (the rest want to have kids and are looking for women in their 20s). And it's not just the kids, it's also the weird baby mamma dynamic. Somehow they are always pushy and obnoxious. You always play second fiddle to the kids and sometimes to the ex as well. Divorced men will spend all their salary on child support/kids which means almost none left for dinners out, flowers, gifts for you. And you have to be understanding because to the whole world their kids are supposed to be the center of universe.

Just a word of caution: I have noticed a sharp decline in what is available on the dating market at around 37. That's when last of the last decent, single people pair up. Also for men wanting children, that's the age where they stop considering you as an option for a LTR, they will still do casual of course.

This is true for the most part but I met my H at age 37 exactly and he was a single father.  He makes me the center of his universe, but saying it wasn't an adjustment would be a huge lie.  My H's ex isn't a problem, either.

Bolded for truth.

[Ruby Slippers]

This was inevitable, but I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I'm 10 years older than you, had the same hopes for marriage and family at your age (still do, but I know the odds are lower now for kids), and as I mentioned before, see a lot of myself in you. I'm also a starry-eyed Cancerian dreamer who grew up with an abusive, neglectful dad. 

So here's a little advice from 10 years in the future. 

First off, get out of there and get your own place again ASAP. As a nurse, you should easily be able to pick up plenty of extra shifts to pile up a bunch of overtime cash and move out fast. You don't like being at home, anyway, so put your energy where it needs to be. You won't be able to begin the healing till you're out of there.

After a healing period, focus on finding husband and father material. If you really want kids of your own, at 34, you don't have time to waste. The biggest mistake I've made in dating is not being picky ENOUGH, overlooking red flags and assuming it would all work out. I've learned that people reveal their character very quickly, and if something rubs you the wrong way, it's for good reason. Go slowly, get to know the person, take your time, err on the side of caution. 

Vet potential mates with your friends, therapist, counselor, this forum, and everyone close to you. Take heed of warning signs and don't bother with anything off or complicated. Move on and be strong on your own while you hold out for something really good. The right man for you will pass all the scrutiny with flying colors.

I 100% agree with the advice to avoid single dads completely. You don't need the baggage. 

Ultimately your issue is low self-worth. The only reason we ever settle for less than we want is we think we can't get it or don't deserve it. That desperation to couple up with anybody remotely appealing comes from a scarcity mentality. Replace that with an abundance mentality and get strong and stable on your own. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal message.

[Dis]

12 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I totally get it. I hate being around kids for exactly the reasons you say. Unlike you, I never wanted my own. I don't even find them cute at any age - just extremely annoying. The only ones I can tolerate are those that are quiet so that I can pretend they are not there.

I have also stopped dating for this reason. I am few years older and 90% of men have kids (the rest want to have kids and are looking for women in their 20s). And it's not just the kids, it's also the weird baby mamma dynamic. Somehow they are always pushy and obnoxious. You always play second fiddle to the kids and sometimes to the ex as well. Divorced men will spend all their salary on child support/kids which means almost none left for dinners out, flowers, gifts for you. And you have to be understanding because to the whole world their kids are supposed to be the center of universe.

Just a word of caution: I have noticed a sharp decline in what is available on the dating market at around 37. That's when last of the last decent, single people pair up. Also for men wanting children, that's the age where they stop considering you as an option for a LTR, they will still do casual of course.

Uhhh, thank you for this. So glad I'm not the only one who feels like this way. 

 

If I can break down how I view how my bf should've phrased what dating/living him and his son would be like, it would be like this...

 

Hey baby, I really love you and want you to be a part of my life. But is being together is going to have to be as follows.... my son comes first in every way shape and form which means you'll kind of just be background noise. He eats up my time, money, attention, thoughts, and love. You'll be lucky if you get a date night here and there but when you do, just know I'll be super tired from my son waking me up at 6am so I won't enjoy it much and guess what? Neither will you. But please don't think I won't throw out some breadcrumbs for you to munch on while you starve for my attention and alone time. Bottom line is you'll feel you need to compete with my son, you will feel driven up a wall by him, you will feel like you have no space of your own in my home, no sense of belonging but despite all that, I'd like it if you could just love my son like he's your own child and think he's adorable, That'd be great. Oh look! He's having a melt down on the kitchen floor, curling himself into some kind of weird ball and screaking like a howler money...isn't he sooooo cute?! Aren't you soooo happy you gave up your peaceful, quiet, beautiful house in the country where you could do whatever you wanted so you could move to this s**thole and deal with my little brat???? Also, I'll give you some B list sex once a week considering I'm so tired and we're both turned off from having a kid in our hair all day. Don't act like you're not impressed with all this hot s**t I have to offer. Sounds like an awesome deal, huh? 

 

*sent with comedic effect   My bf is a good guy and wouldn't make it seem like this, I just have to laugh or I'll cry 

 

Thanks also for the tip at the end of your post. Love little helpful tid bits like that and will definitely keep it in mind! 

 

 

[basil67]

With all due respect, if you'd taken the time to get to know him and his son better, he wouldn't have needed to tell you what his life is like.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

 

 

If I can break down how I view how my bf should've phrased what dating/living him and his son would be like, it would be like this..

 Why, even tongue in cheek, do you suggest that he should have told you anything like this when you went into it with full awareness of the challenges you'd face?  You articulated all of these things very clearly in your earlier post.  

You appear to be taking some a victim stance; blaming your ex for having nothing but "breadcrumbs" for you, and blaming his son for existing.  I think that's very unfair and I feel sorry for the little boy.  This must be a pretty bad experience for him, especially since you've been having loud fights on the regular.  If a person has kids, the kids ALWAYS come first.  If that's not the case, the person has a bad character.   

 

 

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ve noticed a pattern with people who came from dysfunctional childhoods, and one of those patterns seems to be an idealization/ fantasy of what love and marriage is. Likely it’s because they weren’t exposed to a healthy relationship during their formative years, so their ideas of love came from books, movies and TV shows. There is a “love conquers all” theme that persists in these formats. And yes, it is delusional. 

Books. movies and TV shows etc. have such a sphere of influence that I guess it is not only kids from dysfunctional families who end up with the 
Cinderella/Prince Charming/True love/Happy ever after idea of relationships.
The real world is often harsh and it is a relief to immerse oneself in fantasy and when fantasy appears to meet real life then it takes a very strong person to reject it.
"Love" is what everyone really wants.

[World Peace Guy]

I know "your biological clock is ticking", but desperation is a bad thing. You won't meet Mr. Right, while you are dating/living with someone else. You need to be self reliant in your emotions and finances and everything. You need to gain personal strength. You need to get to the point where you don't need anyone, and then you'll find someone. Love yourself, and that will make you loveable to others.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said:

You need to be self reliant in your emotions and finances and everything

Trouble was she was pretty self reliant, good job, nice house but she  threw her house away for "love" and got herself involved with a guy with a kid who earned less than her, was lesser in rank though older and lived in less salubrious circumstances...
She self sabotaged and "settled".

[Kamille]

I wonder how it is that you got stuck in this situation. And I don't mean: oh why didn't you heed all the red flags? More: since you knew this was going to be challenging, what could you have done so that it might have worked? Where could you have been assertive? 

Did you suggest activities that you enjoy doing that included the kid, you and your boyfriend? Did you set up romantic dates with you and your boyfriend that took into account his limited energy? What are you doing to make your sex life more exciting?

I remember reading your other threads years ago. While this situation is very different from those, your pattern is the same: you notice the flags, but instead of asserting yourself and giving yourself options to improve things, you cast yourself as lacking agency and power to change the situation, this, until your only solution is to up and leave. And you become miserable in the process. 

The benefit of being more assertive will be this: you will notice sooner when things aren't right and you will have the power to make the right relationship work. And that's what it takes to make a relationship work: not the right guy, free of any baggage who makes you the center of all his attention, but you acting to make your relationship YOURS, with your voice heard and taken into account from day one because you speak up for the well-being of the relationship. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by Kamille