I Think Another One Bites the Dust

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And for those saying the lesson is to not get together with single fathers, that’s not the lesson to be learned at all here

Any woman who wants to be #1 in her man's life, who has no time for other people's kids, with no inclination to be  step parent and who wants to be free from exes and the complications they bring,  needs to stay away from single fathers...
These issues are not unique to Dis. 

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I think if I'm being perfectly honest, I really don't like sharing my partner so I kind of feel like his son is competition.

It's not that messed up. It's how MANY if not most non-parents feel about their partner's children. There is a reason why it's better for a parent to date another parent. 

You need to respect your own limits. There is nothing wrong in not wanting to date a man without children. Your mistake is to not listen to your own limits.

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And for those saying the lesson is to not get together with single fathers, that’s not the lesson to be learned at all here. As the OP noted, this is just the latest in a string of failed relationships. The details change, but the pattern remains. 

Both are valid.
A woman who wants to be the sole focus of attention in a relationship and does not tolerate children/is not prepared to make the sacrifices required should have no business dating single fathers.
And yes, there is definitely a pattern here of failed relationships that need to be examined and understood. 

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

A woman who wants to be the sole focus of attention in a relationship

A woman or man who wants to be the sole focus of attention in a relationship likely has never had a successful relationship. People have hobbies, careers, friends, family etc. and when emotionally healthy pay attention to all those things. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

. People have hobbies, careers, friends, family etc.

BIG difference between that and a ready made family complete with the ever present ex...

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

BIG difference between that and a ready made family complete with the ever present ex...

Sure, but there’s a pattern of failed relationships here. This was just another in the string. If the OP thinks that the issue was that he was a single dad, and her problems are solved as long as she avoids single dads, she’ll continue to have struggles with relationships. 
 

In other words, her choosing to move in with a “ready made family” is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

In other words, her choosing to move in with a “ready made family” is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

Agreed. Most single non parent women who do not like kids that much and who do not want to be a stepparent or want to get involved in ex drama, give single fathers a swerve.
Here the OP knowing her own preferences and expectations, decided to ignore all that and went in full throttle, regardless.

[Dis]

Ok, technically I'm not scratching my head as to why this didn't work but I am a human being and don't we all, at the end of the day, have hope in our partner and our relationships? Don't we sometimes make mistakes? 

 

It's easy for posters who had an outside perspective to adamantly judge what happened...but the situation I was in looked different to him and I because we were in it. Relationships aren't mathematical equations, there's feelings and hopes and dreams involved. Logic sometimes takes a back seat when you really love someone. 

 

In retrospect I know exactly why it didn't and I think if I dug a little deeper into the ins and outs of things at the beginning, I would have backed out. But I really wanted to have hope. Don't we all? 

 

As I said in my previous post, I just had never been with a man who treated me so well so I wanted to ride that wave for as long as I possibly could. But as someone mentioned before, being treated well by someone isn't enough of a reason to be with them. I think I just don't assess compatibility with the men I date that well in the beginning. And then I get invested and I don't have it in me to leave. But I'm not unique in that sense, we've all been there done that. 

 

To the harsh critics out there, I think there's a little bit of hypocrisy in your posts only because we've ALL made mistakes when it comes to getting in relationships we shouldn't. There usually is some level of incompatibility, some things about a person that don't jive with you and we don't always make the best judgment calls. There is no one person who is perfectly made for us. All we can do is decide if the benefits out weight he risks and take it from there. 

 

And that's what I tried to do.... 

 

[Dis]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Hello Dis: I'm sorry it didn't work out. You gave it a shot, your heart was in the right place but it failed, happened to most of us. You already knew all this about yourself but now it's all confirmed, it's time to move on and I know you will do that just fine. 

See children are like emotional filters, they know deep down when they're not wanted and it's unfair for all involved that this relationship continues. 

I would suggest you move to a friend, or even your parents for 2-3 months, just enough time to get back on your feet. 

 

Thanks for the support, G. I know it may not have been the wisest decision but I couldn't move on from him until I gave it my all. At least now I know I can walk away and be at peace. I'm too stubborn to do it any other way. 

 

It is unfair to everyone and I know that, that's one of the many reasons I'm leaving. My bf deserves to be with someone who's a  better fit for him and his son deserves to be around people who love him. 

 

I would love to move in with family or a friend but because I work on a COVID unit, I highly doubt anyone will want to welcome me into their homes. Just not a safe thing to do. 

 

It really is killing me to be here though. I'm itching to get out of here. I never really felt as home here but not that I know I'm done, I feel like I'm crawling in my skin to leave. This is going to suck big time. 

[Dis]

5 hours ago, introverted1 said:

There were pages and pages of people telling her not to do it in her last thread (and the one before that).

 

Dis, I think some time spent introspecting is in order here.  Nothing you've written differs from what everyone here predicted in your last thread.  In fact, it is exactly what YOU yourself predicted:  that you would not be able to handle having your bf's son with you on all your days off.  You said exactly this in your previous thread.

Take some time to examine your own motives and actions, possibly with the help of a therapist. it's important to understand why you took an action you knew would end in failure, so you can unlearn that negative pattern and begin to develop patterns that are not toxic to others or to yourself.

Hey my friend,

 

I have a therapist. At our next appt I'm going to update her and talk about everything. 

 

I think the reason why I kind of throw caution to the wind and jump in is because of the abuse from my father growing up, the conditioning of both of my parents that I wasn't valued and that whatever went wrong in the family, was my fault. I remember being 7 years old and my dad punched me in the face, my mom picked me up and brought me to my room, she said I shouldn't have been doing X,Y and Z and that I'm causing a lot of stress for everyone. I was blamed for a lot things and also taught not to have expected emotions when my dad would lose him temper, not to be upset that I wasn't protected or looked out for. I had no reason to feel any kind of negative emotion because things weren't 'that bad'. Even now, I can't even tell my parents if a relationship ends because they'll say something like, what did you do? Or, they'll just show a general indifference to whatever is happening in my life and not want to be bothered by it. 

 

So I think as a result, if a man shows that he wants to be with me, a part of me just feels relieved and like maybe I can set down some roots and belong to something. Belong to someone. I just want a chance at a normal, happy life where I fit into something. I'm tired of feelings like I'm floating alone in the breeze. 

[poppyfields]

Hi Dis, I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I just ended my long-term relationship as well.  Gaeta posted on a different thread that 2021 will be a time of transition, so perhaps there is some truth to that.

Anyway, I have some thoughts and hope you won’t take offense and will at least think about what I am about to say. 

It seems to me you might be in love with the idea of love rather than in love with the man himself.  You also love lots of attention and it appears you allow the attention you receive to skew the reality of whatever situation you find yourself in.  Just an observation from reading your posts Dis, NOT a judgment.

You also admit you have a pattern of abusive relationships, including with your own father. Which if memory serves me correctly was quite severe, with him dragging you by your hair down the stairs.  I have struggled with my own share of abuse growing up, from my mother, and I now believe it has negatively impacted every single choice I have made and every single romantic relationship I have ever had, in one form or another.

I think I mentioned in your previous thread that while your current boyfriend never physically or verbally abused you, he exhibited his own style of abuse imo, mentally/emotionally.  It was subtle and insidious, which is equally as egregious as physical and verbal abuse.

I think this way because reading your previous thread, it was clear he pushed you into this role of step mom pretty much from the get go. 

You are a caring nurse, he found the perfect candidate for the role, and did all he could to ensure that you’d be on board with this.  Manipulating you (imo), pushing you before spending enough time together to know if you were even the right fit for each other!  Let alone would make a great step mom for his son.

And you, being in love with the idea love and all the attention he gave you fell right into what I believe to be his trap.  Again, subtle but I could see it.

I recall on your other thread even admitting you were excited for it, the chance to become mom and a family.  I believe at the time, you had only been dating a few months!   Much MUCH too soon to even be considering anything so life-changing.

Anyway, again I am not judging you at all, please know that.  I realize that I too have made some extremely poor decisions in how I have chosen to conduct myself in relationships, why I have chosen the men I have chosen and rejected the men I have rejected, and it all relates back to the abuse I received growing up, from my mom, which took me forever to even admit!  To myself and others.

As such, I have made the decision to be on my own for a long while, no dating, no relationships.  To focus on myself and my dreams without the influence of any man or any romantic entanglements.

You are 34, there are still plenty of years left for you to find that “one right man” and for you to become a mom.  But I don’t think you will find him without doing some major introspection and deep diving into yourself and the choices you have made.

Again, I hope you don’t take offense to this and I wish you the best of luck on your journey Dis.  xoxo

Edited February 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I would love to move in with family or a friend but because I work on a COVID unit, I highly doubt anyone will want to welcome me into their homes. Just not a safe thing to do. 

Given the fact you've been vaccinated Dis, you are safer than most.

But if you don't want to do that (which I understand), after finding a suitable apartment (which was not difficult), what I did was looked around for hotels that offered decent weekly rates and moved in for two weeks until my apartment was ready.  

If you're serious about ending this, my suggestion is rip the bandaid off, tell your boyfriend it's not working for you and why and get the hell out of there.  The longer you prolong this, the harder it will be for everyone, including his son who has most likely become quite attached to you.

Edited February 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Dis, I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I just ended my long-term relationship as well.  Gaeta posted on a different thread that 2021 will be a time of transition, so perhaps there is some truth to that.

Anyway, I have some thoughts and hope you won’t take offense and will at least think about what I am about to say. 

It seems to me you might be in love with the idea of love rather than in love with the man himself.  You also love lots of attention and it appears you allow the attention you receive to skew the reality of whatever situation you find yourself in.  Just an observation from reading your posts Dis, NOT a judgment.

You also admit you have a pattern of abusive relationships, including with your own father. Which if memory serves me correctly was quite severe, with him dragging you by your hair down the stairs.  I have struggled with my own share of abuse growing up, from my mother, and I now believe it has negatively impacted every single choice I have made and every single romantic relationship I have ever had, in one form or another.

I think I mentioned in your previous thread that while your current boyfriend never physically or verbally abused you, he exhibited his own style of abuse imo, mentally/emotionally.  It was subtle and insidious, which is equally as egregious as physical and verbal abuse.

I think this way because reading your previous thread, it was clear he pushed you into this role of step mom pretty much from the get go. 

You are a caring nurse, he found the perfect candidate for the role, and did all he could to ensure that you’d be on board with this.  Manipulating you (imo), pushing you before spending enough time together to know if you were even the right fit for each other!  Let alone would make a great step mom for his son.

And you, being in love with the idea love and all the attention he gave you fell right into what I believe to be his trap.  Again, subtle but I could see it.

I recall on your other thread even admitting you were excited for it, the chance to become mom and a family.  I believe at the time, you had only been dating a few months!   Much MUCH too soon to even be considering anything so life-changing.

Anyway, again I am not judging you at all, please know that.  I realize that I too have made some extremely poor decisions in how I have chosen to conduct myself in relationships, why I have chosen the men I have chosen and rejected the men I have rejected, and it all relates back to the abuse I received growing up, from my mom, which took me forever to even admit!  To myself and others.

As such, I have made the decision to be on my own for a long while, no dating, no relationships.  To focus on myself and my dreams without the influence of any man or any romantic entanglements.

You are 34, there are still plenty of years left for you to find that “one right man” and for you to become a mom.  But I don’t think you will find him without doing some major introspection and deep diving into yourself and the choices you have made.

Again, I hope you don’t take offense to this and I wish you the best of luck on your journey Dis.  xoxo

Hi!!! Good to hear from you!

 

I'm SO SO sorry about the end of your relationship! You deserve so many good things and I hope that whatever you chose to do, you will be happy. 

 

You're right about all the above, to a T. The only thing that isn't spot on, is that my current bf is abusive. I was actually the one to push to move in. He never tried to pressure me at all. He is honestly, the most wonderful man I've ever met and even after I leave, I will still think the world of him and wish him nothing but happiness. I have been to difficult in this relationship because of my resentments about his kid and he was nothing but patient and understanding, to the point where he made endless concessions to try to make me happy. He is not the problem...

 

I am

 

Like you said, (and I love the way I worded it) I chose the men I chose and I reject the men I reject because of my childhood. I do it all subconsciously. I don't even realize I'm making these predestined decisions because of everything that happened to me as a kid. Upon reflection with my therapist, it's like every move I make all correlates with the abuse from my childhood in some way or another. And here I am, getting older and still obviously making bad decisions but I can't seem to break free from my thinking pattern because it's been engrained in me for so long. 

 

I really do love love. I love being in the presence of someone who cares about me, sharing moments, being affectionate, being 2 people together against the world. I love having someone to rely on in some way so much so that I'll just accept a partner without giving any incompatibilities too much thought. Once I set my sights and feel like I might have someone to rest with, I take it. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. When I did online dating again briefly awhile back, I will say I did pass on some men. One was clearly a jerk and probably a love bomber, the other one I just didn't click with and felt something was missing (kind of got an anxious vibe from him which I know means something is wrong) so I did start to evaluate men more than I did before. I will say, my bf did change my taste in men to the point where I'm not longer attracted to a***holes. I genuinely like a nice guy now. I'm so grateful for that. But the work doesn't end there because I still need to learn how to assess for incompatibilities before jumping in. 

 

I think what you and other posters are saying is hitting home because, I really do keep making the same mistake...over and over. Not evaluating the men I date. It's come to a point where I really feel if I don't make changes, it's always going to be this way. And I'm just getting to old for it. Hopefully my therapist can help with this. She's been super helpful so far. She challenges me. I like that. I don't want a therapist who is a Yes woman. I want someone who puts me to work. And she does. 

 

xoxo

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

You're right about all the above, to a T. The only thing that isn't spot on, is that my current bf is abusive. I was actually the one to push to move in. He never tried to pressure me at all.

First off Dis, thank you for the kind words.

To the above quote, that's not how I remember it, but I believe you and will go back and have a second read.  I could certainly be wrong in my perceptions.

I think you should get rid of the notion that you're "old."  You're not!  What I think gets old is making the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results, that most certainly gets old!

Take the time to work on you, that's what I'm doing.  I know some folks poo poo therapy but if you have a good one, it can be of great benefit!  I had to go through a few before finding the right one for me.

It sounds like you found a good one too!

All the best Dis and please keep us updated!

Edited February 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Ok, technically I'm not scratching my head as to why this didn't work but I am a human being and don't we all, at the end of the day, have hope in our partner and our relationships? Don't we sometimes make mistakes? 

It's easy for posters who had an outside perspective to adamantly judge what happened...but the situation I was in looked different to him and I because we were in it. Relationships aren't mathematical equations, there's feelings and hopes and dreams involved. Logic sometimes takes a back seat when you really love someone. 

In retrospect I know exactly why it didn't and I think if I dug a little deeper into the ins and outs of things at the beginning, I would have backed out. But I really wanted to have hope. Don't we all? 

As I said in my previous post, I just had never been with a man who treated me so well so I wanted to ride that wave for as long as I possibly could. But as someone mentioned before, being treated well by someone isn't enough of a reason to be with them. I think I just don't assess compatibility with the men I date that well in the beginning. And then I get invested and I don't have it in me to leave. But I'm not unique in that sense, we've all been there done that. 

To the harsh critics out there, I think there's a little bit of hypocrisy in your posts only because we've ALL made mistakes when it comes to getting in relationships we shouldn't. There usually is some level of incompatibility, some things about a person that don't jive with you and we don't always make the best judgment calls. There is no one person who is perfectly made for us. All we can do is decide if the benefits out weight he risks and take it from there. 

And that's what I tried to do....

With all due respect, Dis, this would be fine if it were just you and bf.  But there was a small child involved in all this.  And the wave you rode threatens to drown him. You still seem oblivious to the damage this will do to him.

That's the thing about children:  they are reliant on the adults in their lives to make good decisions for them.  In this case, both you and your bf rushed into living together without considering how this would impact his son.  This was a little boy who was already reeling from his parents' divorce, and showing signs of stress behavior as a result. I can only imagine what the last 7 months have been like for him, and how he will react to your departure.  Perhaps you and your bf can consult with a counselor to discuss the best way to handle this situation for the child. Even though you don't like him, I hope you will want to take whatever steps you can to minimize damage to him.

 

 

[Dis]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Given the fact you've been vaccinated Dis, you are safer than most.

But if you don't want to do that (which I understand), after finding a suitable apartment (which was not difficult), what I did was looked around for hotels that offered decent weekly rates and moved in for two weeks until my apartment was ready.  

If you're serious about ending this, my suggestion is rip the bandaid off, tell your boyfriend it's not working for you and why and get the hell out of there.  The longer you prolong this, the harder it will be for everyone, including his son who has most likely become quite attached to you.

Problem with moving more than once is I have A LOT of stuff. We filled up a 16ft or 20ft Uhaul to the brim when I moved here. I'm not doing that more times than I need to. Plus I have no idea yet who will help me move. I don't have a lot of support and the few good friends I have live states away. 

 

It's just not feasible for me to move to a temporary place.

 

I'm also not putting it off. Not at all. I have a lot of bills I have to pay off before I leave in order to get a new place. Plus I have to save up for a security deposit. I also need to buy a mattress and frame as I threw my last one out. I'm already chipping away at my bills as quickly as I can. I want to get tf out of here. Also in my state there are slim to no rental properties opening up in the winter. Which might work out okay because by the time spring comes I'll have enough money to leave. Another issue I have is (if any of you remember from a previous thread), I will not move into an apartment for reasons regarding anxiety. I get really bad anxiety living in apartments so I need to find a little house. No it is not a petty thing I'm trying to be finicky about. I do not fair well in apartments and I've lived in enough to know that. I was able to find my last place which I absolutely loved in a pinch. I'm hoping I'll be able to do the same again. 

[Dis]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

With all due respect, Dis, this would be fine if it were just you and bf.  But there was a small child involved in all this.  And the wave you rode threatens to drown him. You still seem oblivious to the damage this will do to him.

That's the thing about children:  they are reliant on the adults in their lives to make good decisions for them.  In this case, both you and your bf rushed into living together without considering how this would impact his son.  This was a little boy who was already reeling from his parents' divorce, and showing signs of stress behavior as a result. I can only imagine what the last 7 months have been like for him, and how he will react to your departure.  Perhaps you and your bf can consult with a counselor to discuss the best way to handle this situation for the child. Even though you don't like him, I hope you will want to take whatever steps you can to minimize damage to him.

 

 

Which is why I'm leaving

 

I'm not tearing myself apart about it. What is done is done and I'm removing myself from the situation. 

 

It is what it is. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Don't we sometimes make mistakes? 

Sure we do. But Dis, you had literally pages and pages of people telling you that this was not a good plan for the following reasons A), B), C), and D) and you ignored every warning, every red flag, and every voice of wisdom and experience. 

There is hope, and then there is willful ignorance. 

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

As I said in my previous post, I just had never been with a man who treated me so well so I wanted to ride that wave for as long as I possibly could.

Again, and I’m not saying this to be harsh but you really need to consider this, at the expense of the child. You took your pleasure at the expense of this child, and that is not fair to the child. 

[Maldives]

just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?!

 

This should be staring you right in the face despite pages of pages of advice warning not to from us on here you still pushed ahead there's your answer it was your decision the decision you made and chose it's the choices your accepting and making that's why it keeps happening you know deep down it's not right but you do it anyway your not listening to your gut feel your intuition your truth. 

If you already know it's not gonna suit don't do it despite how good it looks 

Edited February 16, 2021 by Goodguy05

[Dis]

46 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

Again, and I’m not saying this to be harsh but you really need to consider this, at the expense of the child. You took your pleasure at the expense of this child, and that is not fair to the child. 

That's ridiculous and I will not have some stranger on the internet tell me I willingly hurt a child just because I dated his Dad and wanted, with every fiber of my being for things to work

 

That's unacceptable and I won't tolerate that from you or anyone else. You seem to pass harsh judgements on to posters and paint yourself out to be a Saint. Stop. 

[Dis]

A guy I used to date offered to let him stay at his place until I find a place. 

 

I think he offered because he just wants to smash so...nope

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I don't even realize I'm making these predestined decisions because of everything that happened to me as a kid. Upon reflection with my therapist, it's like every move I make all correlates with the abuse from my childhood in some way or another. And here I am, getting older and still obviously making bad decisions but I can't seem to break free from my thinking pattern because it's been engrained in me for so long. 

This is such a valuable insight and is indeed the core of your struggles. Essentially your instincts when it comes to relationships are bad because of your childhood. So at the end of the day it means you’re going to have to do things that you don’t want to do in order to succeed. And that’s what’s so hard.

 

For example, putting rules in place about when to move in with someone. Like I said previously, if you have a rule to not move in for at least a year of exclusive dating, that would have better outcomes. But you won’t like hearing that because what you want to do is get lost in those early lovey limerance feelings and just do what feels good in the moment. And so that’s the battle.

 

It’s like the alcoholic where every cell is his body wants that drink, if he wants to succeed in getting sober, he will force himself not to take the drink. And it won’t feel good or natural at the time.

[Allupinnit]

I feel so sorry for this little boy.  And I can't believe you feel such disdain for this man and his son that you're already thinking of dating again.  Please try and have some empathy for this child.  I think you need a long break from dating and men - I had warned you that you can't just try this family thing on for size and you're ready to bounce because "you're not happy" after knowing alllllll of these things before moving in with your bf.  

Why do you have to stay there?  As a nurse I imagine you make good money - do you have a lot of consumer debt and bad credit?

Seriously consider the choices you are making here - you think it's fine to do whatever feels good at the moment but you are living out some serious consequences that not only affect you but those around you.  You sound very self-absorbed.  

[Dis]

47 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I feel so sorry for this little boy.  And I can't believe you feel such disdain for this man and his son that you're already thinking of dating again.  Please try and have some empathy for this child.  I think you need a long break from dating and men - I had warned you that you can't just try this family thing on for size and you're ready to bounce because "you're not happy" after knowing alllllll of these things before moving in with your bf.  

Why do you have to stay there?  As a nurse I imagine you make good money - do you have a lot of consumer debt and bad credit?

Seriously consider the choices you are making here - you think it's fine to do whatever feels good at the moment but you are living out some serious consequences that not only affect you but those around you.  You sound very self-absorbed.  

And you sound like you like to attack random stranger on the internet while judging situations you know little about 

 

I don't know about you but I generally try to find some level of understanding for people because for the most part, we're all fighting our own battles and we're all trying our best

 

But this is a running theme for you. I've seen your posts. You may not know it but there are actual people who you're talking to on here. People who are hurting and need constructive advice/support. Would you say the same things to someone's face? I think not. But you're an internet hero, you're strong hiding behind that screen, right? 

 

Casting judgements and you're life is perfect, sound right? 

 

I've learned when people attack me when I've kept my side of the street clean, this issue is them. Not me. 

 

Hope you find peace and develop kindness in your heart for others even when you disagree with their line of thought

[jspice]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

That's ridiculous and I will not have some stranger on the internet tell me I willingly hurt a child just because I dated his Dad and wanted, with every fiber of my being for things to work

 

That's unacceptable and I won't tolerate that from you or anyone else. You seem to pass harsh judgements on to posters and paint yourself out to be a Saint. Stop. 

She’s just calling a spade a spade.