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Posted (edited)

Hey guys, I'm glad to be back. I could use some support and to hear from some familiar faces (posters)

 

I posted last June/July about how I was moving in my my bf and his 5 year old. I'm 34, my bf is 39. 

 

I moved in with him in late July 2020. And, it all went downhill from there. Since then we've been fighting non-stop. We fight about me being unhappy that we have his son on ALL of our days off which is really tough because we're both nurses and I've been working on a COVID unit which has been really stressful. I want to be able to enjoy my days off but instead, I literally dread them because I know they will revolve around his son, we won't have time together or do anything fun together like go out for drinks/dinner or just be home alone enjoying ourselves. 

 

Our fights have gotten SO bad. All out blow outs on nearly all our days off. I was trying so hard to make myself be okay with dating someone with a kid. It was exhausting forcing myself to be someone I'm not. Like spending all my hours being a square peg trying desperately to fit myself into a round hole. Just. Doesn't. Work. 

 

I know it makes me somewhat of a monster to say the following things but, I really don't like his son. It's to the point where even being around him is equivalent to hearing nails on a chalkboard. His voice, him not listening, him interrupting us just grates on me in such a profound way. I've come to realize I never really wanted to deal with him, I just wanted my bf. But, it doesn't work that way, does it? My bf knows the gist of how I feel yet made no effort to make more time for us in a way that would've given us more of a chance. But then I think, what could he have done? I don't enjoy anything when his son is with us. In fact I'm as miserable as a person can be. I had a thought about a month ago, what if we get married and have a baby and I can't even enjoy my baby and being a first time mom because of his son? I really just want to start from scratch with someone. Plus his ex is really unpleasant and hostile. She has a huge attitude and my bf doesn't really see it. She just has to call every day and and do the pick up and drop offs at our place for the most part. I try to run errands to avoid her but she's always still here when I get back! Ugh. 

 

My bf has some very significant health issues as well. Enlarged liver and spleen, precancerous polyp in his colon, GI ulcers, Crohn's (he's on a steroid for that now), and just all out exhaustion from not sleeping enough. He sleeps 3 to 4 hours a night but won't go see a physician about it because he says he's been this way his whole life. He doesn't take care of himself at all. His body is breaking down. He says, "It hurts all over." nearly every day. I can't remember one day of our relationship when he wasn't tired. He never wants to do anything but sit on the couch and watch movies or play video games with his son within 2 feet of him at all times. I feel like I'm living in a private hell. I want to live! I want to travel and have spontaneous trips away and have dinner/drinks out. And even if we do get coverage for his son, my bf doesn't enjoy being out and we're usually bickering from built up resentments. I have a lot of those at this point. If I'm going to stand a chance at a long happy life with marriage and kids, I can't start off with someone so sick. What if we have a 2 year old and he can't work, or passes away. I don't want my life to be like that. 

 

I've never felt at home here. I feel like I'm just living in my bf and his son's apartment and a premade life I don't fit into. I really have no place at all here. I feel like I came into two people's lives and was just expected to assimilate to their lifestyle and abandon all my comforts, hopes and dreams. I feel so alone. 

 

We had a heart to heart a few nights ago where we agreed it's not going to work. We both cried. It was heartbreaking. It was that night that I left him, in my heart. Since then I've been gone in every way and my physical body is the only thing that has stayed. I know when my relationships end, deep down inside. I know the feeling. The sick, sinking feeling of letting go. And it hasn't stopped since that night. 

 

But at the same time I feel really relieved because I can't wait to be out on my own again, living in a place I actually like, back in my zone. I can't wait to date again when I'm ready and make better choices. I'm so excited for the future but I'm also feeling so so guilty. Besides my bf's health issues and his son he is my dream man. He is the first man to treat me like absolute gold every single day. He is the most kind, patient funny man I've ever met. I will miss him so very much and it will be hard to find another man who treats me as well as he did. He has a heart of gold, not a bad bone in his body. I already miss him so much it hurts. And when he inevitably gets sick, who will be there to take care of him and call his physician for him and make him soup and rub his back? Ugh, feel so sick and guilty. He deserves that. He deserves to be taken care of. 

 

In order to move out I need to pay off quite a few large bills and save up for a security deposit so that will take time. It's killing me to be here when I'm done in my heart yet have to still be here. It's like torture. It really is. Feel like I'm crawling in my skin. Aching and yearning to leave. I left my beautiful house in the country for this...to live in a crappy apartment in a bad area with a kid I don't like, an ex I don't like and no life whatsoever. 

 

Despite our talk, my bf doesn't really know it's over. And I don't feel I need to tell him yet because it will be quite a while until I leave. I just don't want to hurt him and make him uncomfortable when I'm a ways away from leaving. But I'm really distancing myself from him and have been much more quiet than usual so he knows something is up. I'm not a dishonest person so it kills me because I feel like I'm lying to him every day. We work in the same building and he comes down to my unit to see me, he's been doing that a lot more frequently because I think he's trying to hold on. 

 

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! I just feel that in my heart I'm to tired for this s**t and just want to settle down and call it a day. Not because I'm desperate for that but because at 34, isn't enough, enough? 

 

So defeated.... just at yet another loss :(

Edited by Disillusionment373
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Posted
47 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I want to live! I want to travel and have spontaneous trips away and have dinner/drinks out.

That might be hard to do during a pandemic.

You say you want kids but you don't like his? That does not make sense.

Why does the ex not take the child more? Who has primary custody? or is it 50/50?

I sympathize though.... kids, the ex, and his health problems can be dealbreakers for some people. That's a lot of heath problems at that age. I didn't see the inside of a hospital other than for stitches for 40 years. You also have to understand this pandemic is hard too.

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Posted
1 minute ago, Fletch Lives said:

That might be hard to do during a pandemic.

You say you want kids but you don't like his? That does not make sense.

Why does the ex not take the child more? Who has primary custody? or is it 50/50?

I sympathize though.... kids, the ex, and his health problems can be dealbreakers for some people. That's a lot of heath problems at that age. I didn't see the inside of a hospital other than for stitches for 40 years. You also have to understand this pandemic is hard too.

Thanks for your reply, Fletch. I remember you from awhile back. 

 

So I should specify, it's not that I don't like kids, it's that I don't like this one. I have a friend who has 2 kids and she's a great mom, loves her kids, just doesn't really like other kids. If that makes any sense. 

 

I think if I'm being perfectly honest, I really don't like sharing my partner so I kind of feel like his son is competition. Which is messed up and I know that. I'm just not well suited to date someone with kids for many reasons. I don't really view him as a kid, just kind of an annoyance. Ugh. I sound sooooo awful and I know it! Ugh. And he never stops talking. This just isn't a good fit. It's really not. Not for his son either. He needs to have people in his life who love him. I know I'll probably get put on blast for my feelings but I really can't help how I feel and I am leaving so hopefully everyone will be better off. It's not like I feel this way but I'm choosing to stay. I know it's time to leave. 

 

By living I mean I don't want to just sit on the couch being stuck inside. Of course with the pandemic outings are limited but even if COVID wasn't around, we still wouldn't do much. It's just who my bf is. 

 

I'm worried about how dating will be with the pandemic though. I'm fully vaccinated but wonder if it's slowed down a lot. I assume it has. That's how over this I am. Already thinking of the future like that. 

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Posted

Hi friend!

 

So good to see a familiar face; although  I wish it was under better circumstances. 
 

I am so sorry to hear about what happened. This has been really tough on you and it’s heartbreaking to hear how sad you are. 
 

It’s super late here... so I will post again tomorrow. But just know I am sending you love and comfort. Hugs friend. ❤️

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Posted

Forgot to mention, they pretty much have 50/50 custody and his ex will not allow him to change that. She runs the show. He doesn't want to change it either even though we're losing our relationship over it. 

 

I just can't be with someone when there's another woman in the picture. Nothing is between them, just too much baggage. Too messy. Can't stand when she calls over stupid things she could just text about. Her attitude. Way too much to handle. 

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Posted
3 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Hi friend!

 

So good to see a familiar face; although  I wish it was under better circumstances. 
 

I am so sorry to hear about what happened. This has been really tough on you and it’s heartbreaking to hear how sad you are. 
 

It’s super late here... so I will post again tomorrow. But just know I am sending you love and comfort. Hugs friend. ❤️

Ahhh Hi!!! Good to see you! Thanks for the support and the kind words. It's been really tough. Can't wait to hear more from you! :) 

Posted

Keep in mind that kids go through phases so this might just be a bad phase.

But I understand, some people are not fond of kids that are not theirs - just life I guess.

And the ex - well, since he has a kid, he's tied to the ex for a total of 18 years.I understand the problem - I almost got into fights with two of my ex's ex's. (don't do this, lol). And I'm a laid back guy and very confident. But no matter how mature you are, jealously can still be a problem.

Romance  - yeah, I know it's  pandemic time  but women need romance like flowers need the rain.I used to always take my ex to dinner. Every Week, religiously. You need a Friday night date night. He needs to get a babysitter.

I'll admit, I don't know if I could handle a five year old and an ex. Maybe if my partner and I lived separately.

Posted
1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! I just feel that in my heart I'm to tired for this s**t and just want to settle down and call it a day. Not because I'm desperate for that but because at 34, isn't enough, enough? 

 

So defeated.... just at yet another loss :(

There are so many couples (much older than you) that are going through a divorce so try not to let the age factor discourage you. It's extremely difficult when you factor in children, especially children that aren't yours, demanding careers, health ailments, etc. You gave it your best shot.  

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Posted
18 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Keep in mind that kids go through phases so this might just be a bad phase.

But I understand, some people are not fond of kids that are not theirs - just life I guess.

And the ex - well, since he has a kid, he's tied to the ex for a total of 18 years.I understand the problem - I almost got into fights with two of my ex's ex's. (don't do this, lol). And I'm a laid back guy and very confident. But no matter how mature you are, jealously can still be a problem.

Romance  - yeah, I know it's  pandemic time  but women need romance like flowers need the rain.I used to always take my ex to dinner. Every Week, religiously. You need a Friday night date night. He needs to get a babysitter.

I'll admit, I don't know if I could handle a five year old and an ex. Maybe if my partner and I lived separately.

His son's age is literally the worst age for a kid IMO. He's not a toddler anymore so he's not cute anymore. But he's not at the age where he can do anything for himself so he's in my bf's hair at all times. And the talkingggggg, the kid drones on and on and on even when we're not in the room. He doesn't have the cognitive capacity yet to consider anyone else and just thinks the whole world revolves around him at every waking moment. He also doesn't ever say anything of interest so I can't connect with him on any level. He just sits there and talk and talks while he plays video games. Don't know how I'm supposed to vibe with that. 5 is just  bad age. But even if I did try to stick it out and wait until he gets older, I have an absurd amount of resentment it's not going away. 

 

Yeah I just want to feel pretty again and sexy and I want to be romanced. You're right. We NEED that. We do go out occasionally but not nearly enough to make up for the misery at home. Plus living with a kid is so very unsexy. Such a turn off. I won't mind that when I have my own kids but I feel like I'm losing every part of what I need in a relationship for someone else's kid. I can't live like that. 

 

And in terms of the ex, it's not just jealously, it's having a constant reminder of everything that is horrible just showing up at your door step two times a week. And the kid reminds me of her and never stops talking about her. Soooo much baggage! 

Posted (edited)

Welcome back Dis. I remember your post well re: moving in with your boyfriend and son. There were pages and pages of warnings and we all begged you to give it more time ... however .... 😬
 

Look I’m not going to say we told you so. You made an informed decision (I presume) and you decided to go for it. Sometimes we do have to take a leap of faith and see where it leads us...

I’m so sorry that you’re now in a position where you’re unhappy. You deserve to be happy. This is the goal. 
 

I don’t judge you for your feelings towards his son. 5 year olds are demanding, attention seeking, and time consuming. I’m also wondering whether the issue is that your ex is too physically sick to do any meaningful activities with him? I’ve had two 5 year olds (they are 9 and 7 now)  They need a lot of attention, a lot of activity and a lot of exercise. If this doesn’t happen, they start to climb the walls and yes they talk and talk ... it’s normal but it’s hard when the child in question is not yours ...

 

Sounds like you’ve made the decision that you’re moving out. That’s great if that’s what you want. 
 

My only other suggestion would be: As you’re both nurses couldn’t you change your shift patterns so that your time off doesn’t mirror his exactly? That way you get some time on your own to do what you want to do. Obviously that means that you don’t get the quality time with your bf but it sounds like he’s too sick to want to do anything/ go anywhere with you anyway. Is this an option? 

 

Edited by Calmandfocused
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Posted

Are we really surprised?
I don't remember anyone on your last thread being supportive of your decision to move in with this guy.
Being a step parent is very hard and some people are naturals, others  with morph themselves and their life in order to make the best of it.
BUT  it was always obvious you were never going to be a good step parent. you were in love with love, not in love with this guy and his son.
I get loving a guy warts and all, but his son, his ex, his baggage and his lifestyle were never going to meet your expectations.
Stay away from single Dads... you, like so many single women need to be #1 in a guy's life.

.

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Posted
15 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Welcome back Dis. I remember your post well re: moving in with your boyfriend and son. There were pages and pages of warnings and we all begged you to give it more time ... however .... 😬
 

Look I’m not going to say we told you so. You made an informed decision (I presume) and you decided to go for it. Sometimes we do have to take a leap of faith and see where it leads us...

I’m so sorry that you’re now in a position where you’re unhappy. You deserve to be happy. This is the goal. 
 

I don’t judge you for your feelings towards his son. 5 year olds are demanding, attention seeking, and time consuming. I’m also wondering whether the issue is that your ex is too physically sick to do any meaningful activities with him? I’ve had two 5 year olds (they are 9 and 7 now)  They need a lot of attention, a lot of activity and a lot of exercise. If this doesn’t happen, they start to climb the walls and yes they talk and talk ... it’s normal but it’s hard when the child in question is not yours ...

 

Sounds like you’ve made the decision that you’re moving out. That’s great if that’s what you want. 
 

My only other suggestion would be: As you’re both nurses couldn’t you change your shift patterns so that your time off doesn’t mirror his exactly? That way you get some time on your own to do what you want to do. Obviously that means that you don’t get the quality time with your bf but it sounds like he’s too sick to want to do anything/ go anywhere with you anyway. Is this an option? 

 

Hi! Thanks for your reply and not rubbing the I told you so's into much ;)

 

Yeah but I get it. I made a bad decision and I take full responsibility for that. I think the reason why I made the decision I made was because for the first time I finally met a guy who treated me so very well. That was foreign to me and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to enjoy it for as long as possible. It was so nice being treated well and valued and respected. 

 

As for your suggestion, it wouldn't work for two reasons. 1st being, if I changed my rotation I would get no time whatsoever with my bf so what would be the point? The second is, I want nothing to do with a single dad or his kid ever again. Not on any level even of I don't see the kid. I know I'm selfish for saying this but I need to come first with my man. 

Yes he needs to do a lot more with his son. I totally agree. He's just too tired. Which brings in the concern of, how could he be an active dad to our kids if we had them? 

And thanks for being understanding about my feelings about his son. I feel like such an a****le saying but I absolutely cannot wait to never see his son again. Can't wait till O can be home again, in my own place with no 5 year old driving me up a wall. Ugh. What a bad match. Can't believe the position I got myself into. 

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Posted

Move out asap. You can't work fulltime be his kids nanny, his nurse or housekeeper and have a quality life.

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Posted
5 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?!

Respectfully, Dis, it's because of the choices you make time and time again. You keep pursuing unavailable or unsuitable-for-you men, even despite dozens of people pointing out why it's a terrible idea. As long as you continue to do this nothing will change.

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

 

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! I just feel that in my heart I'm to tired for this s**t and just want to settle down and call it a day. Not because I'm desperate for that but because at 34, isn't enough, enough? 

The reason it keeps happening is because you keep doing the same thing over and over. To stop the pattern it means you’re going to have to act in ways that aren’t natural for you. You’ll have to embrace short term pain for long term gain.

 

What this means is that at the beginning of your next relationship, instead of getting so caught up in the limerance drug, force yourself to give it time. That’s going to be uncomfortable for you because you’re addicted to “losing yourself” in the infatuation phase. 
 

I’d recommend being exclusive with someone for a minimum of one year before moving in together. And then living together for a minimum of six months before planning for next steps (I.e marriage, kids etc.). 

Edited by Weezy1973
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Posted (edited)

I read your post and it’s all there - all the reasons why we told you this wasn’t going to work. 

You insisted on rushing into this when we told you, being a step parent is hard, your relationship will change, the infatuation you were feeling wouldn’t last... nothing about this is surprising, except maybe to you.

To be fair, you lasted longer than I thought you would...

There are so many more things to consider when picking a partner than “he makes me feel good when I’m with him...” 
 

Edited by BaileyB
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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

He doesn't have the cognitive capacity yet to consider anyone else and just thinks the whole world revolves around him at every waking moment.

He’s five years old! This is entirely normal. 
Five is actually the best age ever! They are so fun - able to do more for themselves but still really cute, interested in everything, ready for any adventure. 

4 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I need to come first with my man. 

You are more alike than you are different. Lesson learned, you need to find a man who does not have children...

Edited by BaileyB
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Posted
13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I read your post and it’s all there - all the reasons why we told you this wasn’t going to work. 

You insisted on rushing into this when we told you, being a step parent is hard, your relationship will change, the infatuation you were feeling wouldn’t last... nothing about this is surprising, except maybe to you.

To be fair, you lasted longer than I thought you would...

There are so many more things to consider when picking a partner than “he makes me feel good when I’m with him...” 
 

Yes it’s a shame. Part of me hoped we were all wrong ....

As I said earlier in the post, I don’t judge Dis one bit for how she feels towards the boy. I fully understand it in fact. 
 

However I do feel really sorry for the boy. He’s the real victim here in this car crash! He may feel really differently towards Dis. He’s probably attached and this will be yet another loss in his young little life. 
 

Ive no problem with adults “experimenting” with rushed decisions/ bad choices etc but when children are involved, it’s a compete game changer. You not just effing your own life, there’s innocent people affected by these actions. 

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Posted (edited)

Hello Dis: I'm sorry it didn't work out. You gave it a shot, your heart was in the right place but it failed, happened to most of us. You already knew all this about yourself but now it's all confirmed, it's time to move on and I know you will do that just fine. 

See children are like emotional filters, they know deep down when they're not wanted and it's unfair for all involved that this relationship continues. 

I would suggest you move to a friend, or even your parents for 2-3 months, just enough time to get back on your feet. 

 

Edited by Gaeta
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Posted
19 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yes it’s a shame. Part of me hoped we were all wrong ....

As I said earlier in the post, I don’t judge Dis one bit for how she feels towards the boy. I fully understand it in fact. 
 

However I do feel really sorry for the boy. He’s the real victim here in this car crash! He may feel really differently towards Dis. He’s probably attached and this will be yet another loss in his young little life. 
 

Ive no problem with adults “experimenting” with rushed decisions/ bad choices etc but when children are involved, it’s a compete game changer. You not just effing your own life, there’s innocent people affected by these actions. 

Agree completely. As the step mother of a teenager, I know first hand the sacrifices that are required - I made them this weekend! 

It’s not easy, but I do it for my partner and the child. 

As to Dis comments that it would be different if he was younger and cuter or older and could talk more with her - it wouldn’t. If he was younger he would require more care and if he was older he wouldn’t want to talk with his step mother... ;) 

Dis is not meant to be a parent, and that’s ok. It is unfortunate that she insisted on learning this lesson the hard way because while she walks away, scratching her head about why it didn’t work again! this child has had his home turned upside down twice in the last six months. And considering that he has also experienced the divorce of his parents, he is at risk of some serious attachment issues because the adults in his life are not making the best decisions. 

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Posted

You are not suited to be a step parent of children.  That's unfortunate.  Do everyone - including yourself, the kid, and your boyfriend - a favor and end this and move out as soon as possible.   Sounds like you've learned your lesson.  Don't get with another single father though that may limit your dating pool as you get older.  

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Posted

Ya I hear "Being a step mom, how hard can it be?" on the boards from time to time. I guess I missed your last thread...I would have said don't do it! I would have come with a warning that their kid/kids always come first, and never the relationship. It's just the way it is. Being in a pandemic doesn't help either... it's possible the outcome of this may have been different. It has changed everything for a lot of people. It's something that's out of your control, so don't beat yourself up over it. Before you get on the launch pad....communicate with him how you feel, the fighting, and your plan to move on. Just maybe he's willing to adjust and make a compromise. usually these conversations snap people out of it, and gain a new perspective on their behavior and how it's effecting the other. You just never know unless you get right down to it with him, and if it's doesn't work out, at least you tried, and will have closure.

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Posted
7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ya I hear "Being a step mom, how hard can it be?" on the boards from time to time. I guess I missed your last thread...I would have said don't do it!

There were pages and pages of people telling her not to do it in her last thread (and the one before that).

 

Dis, I think some time spent introspecting is in order here.  Nothing you've written differs from what everyone here predicted in your last thread.  In fact, it is exactly what YOU yourself predicted:  that you would not be able to handle having your bf's son with you on all your days off.  You said exactly this in your previous thread. :(

Take some time to examine your own motives and actions, possibly with the help of a therapist. it's important to understand why you took an action you knew would end in failure, so you can unlearn that negative pattern and begin to develop patterns that are not toxic to others or to yourself.

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Posted

And for those saying the lesson is to not get together with single fathers, that’s not the lesson to be learned at all here. As the OP noted, this is just the latest in a string of failed relationships. The details change, but the pattern remains. 

Posted
7 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Thanks for your reply, Fletch. I remember you from awhile back. 

 

So I should specify, it's not that I don't like kids, it's that I don't like this one. I have a friend who has 2 kids and she's a great mom, loves her kids, just doesn't really like other kids. If that makes any sense. 

 

I think if I'm being perfectly honest, I really don't like sharing my partner so I kind of feel like his son is competition. Which is messed up and I know that. I'm just not well suited to date someone with kids for many reasons. I don't really view him as a kid, just kind of an annoyance. Ugh. I sound sooooo awful and I know it! Ugh. And he never stops talking. This just isn't a good fit. It's really not. Not for his son either. He needs to have people in his life who love him. I know I'll probably get put on blast for my feelings but I really can't help how I feel and I am leaving so hopefully everyone will be better off. It's not like I feel this way but I'm choosing to stay. I know it's time to leave. 

 

By living I mean I don't want to just sit on the couch being stuck inside. Of course with the pandemic outings are limited but even if COVID wasn't around, we still wouldn't do much. It's just who my bf is. 

 

I'm worried about how dating will be with the pandemic though. I'm fully vaccinated but wonder if it's slowed down a lot. I assume it has. That's how over this I am. Already thinking of the future like that. 

Why did you fall in love? Why move in?

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