Pink86 Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 So I just started dating this guy 4 months ago. I was a single mom with two kids and my new bf is a millionaire. We are completely in love. He wants to get a house with me which I am all for eventually. Until then I told him we need to date longer to see if we like each other before taking that step. I work and kinda barely getting by with two kids. He has no kids. I’m sometimes struggling and he never offers to help me. I never ask for anything or even hint around but he knows I struggle and never offers. Do you think there is a reason why? Do you think he is testing me to see if I ask for money? I don’t but I mean he makes 3 million a year. Not exactly sure what to do. Am I being a jerk wondering why he doesn’t help?
basil67 Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 I don't think you're being a jerk, but I would say that you're getting ahead of yourself At four months in, with this income disparity, I would suggest that you should not be financially worse off. He could pay for dates, and chip in for the groceries if he eats at your house a lot. If you're his plus 1 for a fancy event, and you literally have nothing to wear, he could buy your dress and shoes. If he takes long hot showers at your house and your utility bill has skyrocketed, then he could contribute to that. But not your regular running costs. If you do decide to move in together, that's the time to discuss how the expenses will be split. Some married couples put everything they have together no matter who earns what and some always keep it separate. You'll need to make sure your views/needs are in alignment. 4
Calmandfocused Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 I say this from the perspective of a single mum, also with 2 children. You and your children are Your financial responsibility. Yours and your ex husband’s/ partner’s. Irrespective of how financially solvent your new boyfriend is, it is not his job to support you. You are being completely unreasonable if you believe otherwise. It doesn’t matter how much “in love” you are. You’re not married. After 4 months he doesn’t really know you well enough to know what you’re about. Based on what you’ve posted I’d be wary too if I was this guy. Of course he’s being careful in case you use him for his wealth. I don’t blame him. If you were saying that he makes you pay for dates when he knows you’re struggling I’d say he’s being a jerk. But you’re not saying that. You’re saying that you want him to “help you out” which is basically wanting him to give you money and that is not cool! 7 3
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 10 hours ago, Pink86 said: I’m sometimes struggling and he never offers to help me. What you see is what you get. Even millionaires can be cheap and greedy. When I met my ex-bf he was barely getting by, he had just arrived in my country on a work permit. I never handed him money but before our 4 months dating if I made bread, or pies, cakes I'd make extra for him. On the weekends he'd visit I'd make a big stew and before he leave I'd tell him he has to bring some home cause it's too much left over for me. I helped him, but I never made it come across as it was 'help'. Bottom line your boyfriend should help you, not with money but with things here and there to make your life easier and he doesn't need to be a millionaire to do that. If he's not then dump and go back fishing. 5 1
littleblackheart Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) Would you still be dating him if he had 3 pounds to his name? That's the question you need to ask yourself. Do your lifestyles and personalities match? Have you talked about it and have set up boundaries between the 2 of you? What's the current situation? How did you two meet? He may (rightly) try to figure out whether you're in this relationship for the right reasons; to be fair to him, if you're asking yourself why he's not helping, it's not a great sign - unless something else is troubling you that you have not shared in your OP? Edited February 16, 2021 by littleblackheart 2
introverted1 Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 You should not be expecting any more or less from this man than you would from a bf who made the same as you do. Period, end of. 6
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 12 hours ago, Pink86 said: We are completely in love. So, what does he do for you? Men in love *do* things for their gf, could be gifts, could be putting up shelves, shovelling your front steps, could be bringing a reserve of your preferred cake. 2
CollinW Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, Gaeta said: Bottom line your boyfriend should help you, not with money but with things here and there to make your life easier and he doesn't need to be a millionaire to do that. If he's not then dump and go back fishing. Both your and OPs posts come off as entitlement. The idea of being in a relationship isn't to develop codependency or try to exploit a person's feelings for favors. No one who's struggling should be dating in the first place imo. Expectations of improving someone's life are reserved for marriage, get yourself together and then try when you're whole and have something to offer. I couldn't imagine walking into any dating situation with my hand out expecting anything other than respect, attention, and reciprocation for the affection I feel comfortable offering. Edited February 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed inappropriate remark. 1
Acacia98 Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 The money thing is tricky when your relationship is young. I haven't quite figured it out yet. But I know that it's bad when somebody feels entitled to their boyfriend's/girlfriend's money. It's also bad when your boyfriend or girlfriend watches you struggling with fundamental stuff and shrugs their shoulders because they can't be bothered. Someone who loves you and empathizes with you should want to help you. Not necessarily by giving you money, but in some way. 4
Wiseman2 Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 Unfortunately you may think he's price charming who'll take you way from all this. However his actions indicate that "slumming it" is what he thinks he's doing. Run from this guy. 1
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, CollinW said: Both your and OPs posts come off as entitlement. The idea of being in a relationship isn't to develop codependency or try to exploit a person's feelings for favors. No one who's struggling should be dating in the first place imo. Expectations of improving someone's life are reserved for marriage, get yourself together and then try when you're whole and have something to offer. I couldn't imagine walking into any dating situation with my hand out expecting anything other than respect, attention, and reciprocation for the affection I feel comfortable offering. You understood NOTHING of my post. You are completely off track. My post had nothing to do with 'expectation' it had to do with how people show their love. I was asking her what this man does for her to show his love as he says he loved her. And love can be expressed different ways, through actions of service, attention to details, gifts. Have you dated a millionaire before? well guess what I have! and it ended up being the most unhappy 4 years of my life!! absolutely! I am telling her this struggling mother of 2 to drop him if he's not a good man to her because money won't bring her love, affection, respect, connection, communication, respect ! and life is loooong when you're in a fancy house with a man that won't love you the way you need to be loved. Edited February 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed quoted inappropriate remark. 2 1
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: It's also bad when your boyfriend or girlfriend watches you struggling with fundamental stuff and shrugs their shoulders because they can't be bothered. Someone who loves you and empathizes with you should want to help you. Not necessarily by giving you money, but in some way. This man should be judged the same way a regular joe blow would be judged. What kind of man tells a woman he *loves her* but do nothing about the milk missing in the fridge? If he does absolutely nothing then he's not worthy of OP's love because any man in this world on minimum wages would help in small ways the struggling woman he *loves*, groceries, gas in the car, fixing things in her house to avoid cost of repairs, anything. 2
littleblackheart Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 It's also important to be able to leave the relationship with a plan B in place should things go pear-shaped (I don't wish it on either of you, but these things happen). I think you are right to wait until you know for sure you are for keeps before moving in with him; you have children and much more to lose than him if ever there were trouble in paradise. He can always get a new house, whereas things will be a bit trickier for you (single parent with 2 children right here!). How well does he get on with your kids? And them with him? It's good that you're completely in love, but a financial disparity this massive is a risk to your independence, OP, not his. Other than that, money comes and goes, he might not be wealthy for ever. So really, it's only a problem if you're not a right match in most other ways (values, worldview, character, lifestyles, good communication, respect, connection, ie the important things), and that needs time and patience to establish. 4 months is a bit too soon to know for sure, imo. And whatever happens, keep your job! 1
CollinW Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: I was asking her what this man does for her to show his love as he says he loved her. And love can be expressed different ways, through actions of service, attention to details, gifts. Sure, but her problem isn't that she doesn't feel loved or else she wouldn't have said they were in love. Her problem is that he's not helping her financially and she feels he should become he has money. The questioning how he helps her seems to be a red herring in order to justify a particular attitude towards his behavior. Because if it's important, then why aren't you asking what she does to show her love, since she said he loves him too. That in turn could provide justification for him actually feeling the need help her financially.
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 OP has never mentioned she wanted money from him. She is speaking of *help* and help can come in different type of forms. Like someone mentioned is he spending time at her place, eating there, using hot water, if so and he knows she struggles then he should help. If he was not a millionaire, if he was a regular joe blow, should he help her when the going gets tough? Being a millionaire or not does not give him a pass at *helping* with small things.
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 38 minutes ago, CollinW said: Sure, but her problem isn't that she doesn't feel loved or else she wouldn't have said they were in love. Her problem is that he's not helping her financially and she feels he should become he has money. The questioning how he helps her seems to be a red herring in order to justify a particular attitude towards his behavior. Because if it's important, then why aren't you asking what she does to show her love, since she said he loves him too. That in turn could provide justification for him actually feeling the need help her financially. I asked what he does to show his love because it's in men's nature to *help* the woman they love. If he is not helping at all, in any kind of way, if he doesn't help with tasks, doesn't fix the odd thing for her, doesn't notice little things here and there she would need then she may want to revise why she feels loved by him. Yes I could have asked her how she is showing her love to him. Again she did not ask for money. She asked for help. One day while making dinner my pressure cooker broke. I loved that thing it saved me so much time. My ex says nothing, couple of days later he comes to see me with a brand new pressure cooker. Saved me $100. That's love, attention, help all tangled together. 2
poppyfields Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I asked what he does to show his love because it's in men's nature to *help* the woman they love. If he is not helping at all, in any kind of way, if he doesn't help with tasks, doesn't fix the odd thing for her, doesn't notice little things here and there she would need then she may want to revise why she feels loved by him. Gaeta, this is simply not true, not for everyone. I mean if her love language is "acts of service" then him "doing" would be a huge plus and VERY sweet and endearing. But I don't think a man is required to do such things lest she won't feel loved by him or it means that he doesn't love her. That may be true for you, and I respect that, but it's not true for every woman, including myself. There are many ways a man might show his love and it's not always by helping her, either by doing around the house or odd jobs here and there, or financially. An example would be what if he became disabled and physically was not able to help? Would she not feel loved by him or let's say it was a long distance relationship, would she not feel loved by him then? There are simply too many nuances to say black and white it's a man nature to help and if he doesn't, she won't feel loved or he doesn't love her. Edited February 17, 2021 by poppyfields
Acacia98 Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Gaeta said: This man should be judged the same way a regular joe blow would be judged. What kind of man tells a woman he *loves her* but do nothing about the milk missing in the fridge? If he does absolutely nothing then he's not worthy of OP's love because any man in this world on minimum wages would help in small ways the struggling woman he *loves*, groceries, gas in the car, fixing things in her house to avoid cost of repairs, anything. Yep. It's something that's come up in my life and my friends' lives. Sometimes we're the ones struggling. Sometimes the guys we're dating are the ones struggling. The humane thing to do is to help the person you claim to love when, for example, they have nothing to eat, are sick and can't afford medical treatment, or can't afford to pay for heat in the middle of winter. But there are definitely people who'll say "It's not my problem," and still expect "the love of their life" to sit down for an expensive dinner with them on date night. I find that disconnect very weird. IME, it's often very rich folks or folks from highly individualistic pockets of Western society who think like this. And it's one of the reasons why dating someone of another culture or class can be difficult. And that attitude carries over into marriage if one actually gets married to that person. The person is not going to suddenly become generous because you "passed the test" and proved you were not a golddigger. Edited February 17, 2021 by Acacia98 2
littleblackheart Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 On 2/16/2021 at 3:59 AM, Pink86 said: I never ask for anything or even hint around but he knows I struggle and never offers OP, can you clarify your statement? Are you referring to financial help specifically? You say you are completely in love - how is this manifesting concretely? Could it be he's being extra respectful of your independence, and worries about overstepping? 3
World Peace Guy Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 Drop the expectations. No, it doesn't mean anything that he hasn't offered to help. I've been working on a plan to save mankind for 20 years, and I've seen pretty much everyone is like this. People don't see how others live. They don't put themselves in others shoes. Still, it might be a good idea to find out if he cares to much for his money. Rich people often worship money, to the point of being a huge problem. Might be a good idea to ask him for a small loan, make up some story about why you don't have the money. Then pay it back a little late, and only half the money or something, making some excuse for not having it all. Just to find out just how important money is to him. If you ask him for a loan for a few hundred dollars, and he tells you don't worry about paying it back, or something, he may be a good one. If he's crazy about getting it back, he's a lost cause. But him not offering, that's probably just not paying so much attention. He may be distracted by your eyes or something. It doesn't mean anything. You could say, he doesn't really know you, but... That isn't what makes a marriage work anyway. What makes a marriage work, is when two people make the marriage their priority. Doesn't matter if they know anything about each other, even if they never met before the wedding. It is all about what happens afterwards, that makes a marriage work.
Wiseman2 Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 47 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said: Might be a good idea to ask him for a small loan, make up some story about why you don't have the money. Then pay it back a little late, and only half the money or something, making some excuse for not having it all. Just to find out just how important money is to him. I disagree that lying and scamming anyone to "test" them is a good idea. 2
Acacia98 Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 41 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said: Might be a good idea to ask him for a small loan, make up some story about why you don't have the money. Then pay it back a little late, and only half the money or something, making some excuse for not having it all. Just to find out just how important money is to him. If you ask him for a loan for a few hundred dollars, and he tells you don't worry about paying it back, or something, he may be a good one. If he's crazy about getting it back, he's a lost cause. I feel like manipulating him in this way will suggest to him that she's in it to use him. And that is a genuine concern for anyone, rich or otherwise.
Crazelnut Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 Yes, you're being a jerk. (Hey, you asked!) It's only 4 months in. You are in no way entitled to any of his money. He is in no way obligated to help you financially. (We know you're talking about $$, not help putting up shelves.) If he were to see your post, he would (and SHOULD) run far away from you. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 My experience has been the very wealthy men I've dated have been the stingiest. The kindest most gifting have been those who are comfortably financially well off (upper middle classish). I even had one very rich guy ask me to get some expensive tickets for a concert for us to attend telling me he'd pay me back. He never did! They were expensive tickets, too. I didn't mention it because I figured it was worth it to see what the guy was made of. When I dated my husband, he was very poor and I wasn't. I paid for everything we did. So if someone is reading this and thinks I'm being sexist or entitled is why I added this about dating my H. To me, it's common decency for someone who is dating a person who is struggling financially (especially when the woman who is struggling has children) to help them out. I think many very wealthy people (not all, but many) are wealthy because money is their priority. Therefore, they have a hard time parting with it. 2
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, World Peace Guy said: Might be a good idea to ask him for a small loan, make up some story about why you don't have the money. I do not recommand to do that at all. This is something you may consider after a year dating and you know you're in for the long run, not 4 months. Edited February 17, 2021 by Gaeta 2
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