Can a low/high libido be the end of us?

[circleoflife]

Hi there, I'm a 24 year old male and my partner is a 27 years old. 

We have been together for a little over 2 years now. We have been living together for just over one year and have a puppy together. 

This is the first relationship i have been in where my partner has actually been good for me. She has drive in her own career, she has a great friendship group and family, and she's supportive of me and my endeavours. We get along so well in almost every area of our lives. We both love to eat out and have a few drinks together, we love to stay in and keep quiet together. We converse well. We have very similar goals or wants in life. She doesn't want to rely on me, she's always working hard to try and put in 50/50 with everything. We rarely fight and if we do its usually just bickering about cleaning up after each other haha the normal couples bickering. 

From the start I had some reservations, and I did struggle to commit. I had these reservations because i felt our libido/sex drive were on different levels. And i know sex is not everything in a relationship but for me having the same level of passion and being able to connect with my partner on that same level is a big thing. Vice Versa, if i was in a relationship with a great sex life but that was it, that was all we had I don't believe I'd stay (in the past i haven't). Obviously i did end up committing to this relationship, because i loved the person she was and what she stood for, we got along so well and I thought maybe this is something that might improve with time. I have spoken to her about this a couple times, and she appreciates and i appreciate that we are able to talk about this reasonably comfortably together. But I feel it only helps for a short period, and i feel in a way it actually just makes her feel more anxious. Sometimes if we have a few drinks together she can be a lot more passionate like myself, but to me I'm looking for that when we're sober not drinking. Sadly I've been starting to lose interest in trying and I've been feeling maybe this wasn't 100% the right relationship. I look into the future and I'm not sure if i will be 100% happy because i don't see it getting better i see it getting worse as we get older. I feel like we're suppose to be in the part of relationship where we are all over each other and having fun. Im struggling. I'm giving myself some space to sit and think about it all, I'm leaning towards breaking up because i just don't feel 100% anymore.

I have spoken to some friends about it and they say, "well you need talk to her" or "you just have to do what makes you happy". But the more i talk to her about it the more she is probably feeling anxious and upset about it. 

Any thoughts or advice from anyone? 

[Ami1uwant]

What exactly is the difference?  Affection? You want sex and she says no? You want to try things different in sex snd she doesn’t?

 

what does she do for work? If she is in a field like lawyer trying to partner or a dr on residency or a professor trying to get tenure and she’s focused on her career and is under work stress it affects sex drive.

 

if you need her to drink a few to loosen up and she opens up you need to talk to her about this and why she is reserved snd holding back. Maybe she has doubts about you.

 

 

 

 

[circleoflife]

1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said:

What exactly is the difference?  Affection? You want sex and she says no? You want to try things different in sex snd she doesn’t?

 

what does she do for work? If she is in a field like lawyer trying to partner or a dr on residency or a professor trying to get tenure and she’s focused on her career and is under work stress it affects sex drive.

 

if you need her to drink a few to loosen up and she opens up you need to talk to her about this and why she is reserved snd holding back. Maybe she has doubts about you.

 

 

 

 

The difference is I tend to show more affection and passion and I feel that it’s rarely reciprocated. I’m not trying to have sex all the time but I think I have been told no more often than yes. 
 

She is a dancer and I’m in construction we work very opposite hours. So I’m working during the day and weekdays and she’s teaching during the afternoon/evening and then has dance gigs on the weekends. I have thought maybe that has something to do with it. 
 

Speaking to her about these topics, I don’t think she has any doubts about me. She says she sees her future with me. 

[Ami1uwant]

7 minutes ago, circleoflife said:

The difference is I tend to show more affection and passion and I feel that it’s rarely reciprocated. I’m not trying to have sex all the time but I think I have been told no more often than yes. 
 

She is a dancer and I’m in construction we work very opposite hours. So I’m working during the day and weekdays and she’s teaching during the afternoon/evening and then has dance gigs on the weekends. I have thought maybe that has something to do with it. 
 

Speaking to her about these topics, I don’t think she has any doubts about me. She says she sees her future with me. 

You work opposite shifts which is part of the problem.

have you two taken vacation and not worked for say a week? How was it then.

 

how has it been when you are passionate together? Are you satisfied?

 

 

[circleoflife]

1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said:

You work opposite shifts which is part of the problem.

have you two taken vacation and not worked for say a week? How was it then.

 

how has it been when you are passionate together? Are you satisfied?

 

 

No haven’t had vacation together for a long time. And we have been under high stress with COVID I suppose. 
 

When we have been passionate together I have definitely been satisfied. It has been so rare that we are on that level with each other though.

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, circleoflife said:

No haven’t had vacation together for a long time. And we have been under high stress with COVID I suppose. 
 

When we have been passionate together I have definitely been satisfied. It has been so rare that we are on that level with each other though.

Why are you guys under stress?  What have you done in handling this?

 

 

[central]

Differences in libido is one of the biggest issue in relationships, and at least will cause resentment.  It was the main reason for ending my first marriage.  Unless there is a specific cause for the difference that actually has a solution, then this will NOT get better, and may well get worse.  The low libido person controls sex, and if they're happy with the amount, they have no reason to change.  Anyway, unless there is a clear solution, it's time to move on and find a better match.  (There are no guarantees that will last either, esp. once children enter the equation, but the odds are much better.)  Also, don't marry for at least two years after living together, as it takes that long to find out what someone's baseline libido really is; if it drops too much, you can still exit.

[ShyViolet]

If you are not sexually compatible, then there's no way this relationship will work.  You need to end it.  It's not shallow to be concerned about sexual problems in a relationship.  Sex an extremely important component to a relationship.  Without a sex life, you are just friends.

[Ami1uwant]

Problem here....

 

the problrm is lack of sex so blame different sex drives ehrn the problrm is really something else.

 

same with cheating...there was something else that was the cause.

[circleoflife]

We’ve been under stress because for about 8 months I was the only one allowed to work. In Australia pretty much everything got shut down except construction. So she lost 90% of her work and had to teach via zoom. 
 

There have been things that don’t help the situation like this. But I’ve noticed we were on different levels from the very start? 
 

I’m okay if sex dies off in the future due to kids or furthering our careers. But while we’re young I feel like it’s a big part of our relationship we should be enjoying a lot more often. 

[DaddyDom]

Usually with topics like these it is a guy that starts it saying his GF has a low libido. Then women will chime in saying that "if you really cared you would try to be more understanding and not pressure her" etc.. However, I am pleasantly surprised to see women here actually keeping it real about the importance of sexual compatibility. 

"She doesn't want to rely on me, she's always working hard to try and put in 50/50 with everything."

Now this statement to me is telling and as a man into gender roles it would turn me off. There is no polarity or passion because she is trying to be equal in every sense. What drives a man romantically is when his woman makes him feel like a king and shows the vulnerability of wanting to need/rely on him to feel safe. But she is basically trying to act masculine and I am guessing that is why you're not trying harder to seduce her on a subconscious level. You're turned off by her lack of vulnerability right? Otherwise, you would be seducing her and soaking those panties to raise her libido. In the end, there is something keeping you at a distance and it is her masculine gender neutral behavior. Break up with her and find a feminine woman who actually appreciates masculinity. 
 

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, DaddyDom said:

Usually with topics like these it is a guy that starts it saying his GF has a low libido. Then women will chime in saying that "if you really cared you would try to be more understanding and not pressure her" etc.. However, I am pleasantly surprised to see women here actually keeping it real about the importance of sexual compatibility. 

"She doesn't want to rely on me, she's always working hard to try and put in 50/50 with everything."

Now this statement to me is telling and as a man into gender roles it would turn me off. There is no polarity or passion because she is trying to be equal in every sense. What drives a man romantically is when his woman makes him feel like a king and shows the vulnerability of wanting to need/rely on him to feel safe. But she is basically trying to act masculine and I am guessing that is why you're not trying harder to seduce her on a subconscious level. You're turned off by her lack of vulnerability right? Otherwise, you would be seducing her and soaking those panties to raise her libido. In the end, there is something keeping you at a distance and it is her masculine gender neutral behavior. Break up with her and find a feminine woman who actually appreciates masculinity. 
 

I totally disagree with this statement.  It sounds like regurgitation from a redpill YouTube video.

Do you honestly want to be with some self-absorbed princess who doesn't want to put her fair share of effort into the relationship?

The OP's 50/50 he's referring to doesn't imply that his girlfriend is competing with him on all fronts to do the exact things he's doing.

Couples can share the load in a relationship whilst not jeopardizing the masculine/feminine balance that's so important to maintain.

I believe that in my relationship, my girlfriend and I are putting in 50/50 effort.  We are actually putting in 100 percent effort each, for both ourselves and each other equally.

It's about working with each other effectively, not against each other.  It doesn't sound like this is the case at all for OP.  It very much sounds as simple as mismatched sex drives.

[circleoflife]

5 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I totally disagree with this statement.  It sounds like regurgitation from a redpill YouTube video.

Do you honestly want to be with some self-absorbed princess who doesn't want to put her fair share of effort into the relationship?

The OP's 50/50 he's referring to doesn't imply that his girlfriend is competing with him on all fronts to do the exact things he's doing.

Couples can share the load in a relationship whilst not jeopardizing the masculine/feminine balance that's so important to maintain.

I believe that in my relationship, my girlfriend and I are putting in 50/50 effort.  We are actually putting in 100 percent effort each, for both ourselves and each other equally.

It's about working with each other effectively, not against each other.  It doesn't sound like this is the case at all for OP.  It very much sounds as simple as mismatched sex drives.

Exactly right. I didn’t agree with those statements that daddydom shared. 
 

I like the 50/50 it’s nice to have someone who puts in so much effort. And yeah I’m leaning to mismatched sex drives as it’s been like this from the start. 

[DaddyDom]

1 minute ago, Trail Blazer said:

I totally disagree with this statement.  It sounds like regurgitation from a redpill YouTube video.

Do you honestly want to be with some self-absorbed princess who doesn't want to put her fair share of effort into the relationship?

The OP's 50/50 he's referring to doesn't imply that his girlfriend is competing with him on all fronts to do the exact things he's doing.

Couples can share the load in a relationship whilst not jeopardizing the masculine/feminine balance that's so important to maintain.

I believe that in my relationship, my girlfriend and I are putting in 50/50 effort.  We are actually putting in 100 percent effort each, for both ourselves and each other equally.

It's about working with each other effectively, not against each other.  It doesn't sound like this is the case at all for OP.  It very much sounds as simple as mismatched sex drives.

Whoh..you sound a bit angry.. LMAO Did I say anything about a woman not pulling her share? Just because a man is leading the pace of the relationship and courting her, doesn't mean she won't contribute in other ways. But trying to literally make everything 50/50 and "equal" eliminates masculine/feminine polarity IMO. 

Secondly women are very responsive desire based. So a lot of the time "low sex drive" is the result of her not being stimulated and maintaining the attraction she once had. I mean think about it. In the beginning when things are new and exciting, most women have high sex drives. But what usually happens? Their sex drive suddenly lowers in a relationship because a guy assumes he has her and can let up. The courting slows or stops, the seduction slows, etc.. So overtime she is stimulated less and less. 

But...a man also has to feel motivated to want to keep it up. If a woman makes a fan feel needed and is vulnerable with him, he will keep being her rock, showing his appreciation, and seducing her on a regular basis. What happens? Regular sex. I think deep down on a subconscious level there is something about this woman that turns the OP off and that is why he is being too complacent in his relationship. If she turned him on and stimulated him outside the bedroom, he'd step it up and stimulate her.

 

[Trail Blazer]

1 minute ago, circleoflife said:

Exactly right. I didn’t agree with those statements that daddydom shared. 
 

I like the 50/50 it’s nice to have someone who puts in so much effort. And yeah I’m leaning to mismatched sex drives as it’s been like this from the start. 

Look, bro... it's awesome that she's willing to put that effort in.  But, at the end of the day, mismatched libido is a huge deal and will eventually cause a rift in your relationship, en route to a total demise if left unabated.

You cannot put pressure on her to have sex with you.  I know you're not doing that because you're trying to put it to her delicately.  However, at the end of the day, neither party should stay in a relationship if they're feeling unhappy and unfulfilled.

Your girlfriend needs to understand that it is a big problem for you and that, if you remain sexually unfulfilled, the relationship will become untenable.

Trust me, I've been through a similar scenario.  The low libido issue never got resolved.  There was very little that I could do about it.  I suspect that it was far less to do with me and very much about her and her issues.  We were together for slightly over one year.

You're still very young.  Don't let yourself get tied down to something which will eventually cause you to become miserable.  If you're not happy, you need to let her go and move on if she's unwilling/unable to comprehend your side of the coin and make meaningful change.

[Trail Blazer]

4 minutes ago, DaddyDom said:

Whoh..you sound a bit angry.. LMAO Did I say anything about a woman not pulling her share? Just because a man is leading the pace of the relationship and courting her, doesn't mean she won't contribute in other ways. But trying to literally make everything 50/50 and "equal" eliminates masculine/feminine polarity IMO. 

Secondly women are very responsive desire based. So a lot of the time "low sex drive" is the result of her not being stimulated and maintaining the attraction she once had. I mean think about it. In the beginning when things are new and exciting, most women have high sex drives. But what usually happens? Their sex drive suddenly lowers in a relationship because a guy assumes he has her and can let up. The courting slows or stops, the seduction slows, etc.. So overtime she is stimulated less and less. 

But...a man also has to feel motivated to want to keep it up. If a woman makes a fan feel needed and is vulnerable with him, he will keep being her rock, showing his appreciation, and seducing her on a regular basis. What happens? Regular sex. I think deep down on a subconscious level there is something about this woman that turns the OP off and that is why he is being too complacent in his relationship. If she turned him on and stimulated him outside the bedroom, he'd step it up and stimulate her.

 

I'm not angry at all, my friend.  Quite the opposite in fact.

Look, I don't disagree with most of what you've said here.  But who are you attributing fault to more?  OP or his girlfriend?

It's a little like the chicken or egg scenario.  Is the OP's girlfriend disincentivizing him from courting her, or is he being complacent causing her to be non-receptive to his advances?

I can only speak for myself in past relationships where I've not felt like I've ended the courtship phase, yet the honeymoon period ended and the sex nosedived for reasons outside my control.

At the end of the day, an incompatibility is an incompatibility.  Mismatched libidos can be as a result of many things and not just because of an interrupted masculine/feminine balance.

[DaddyDom]

1 minute ago, Trail Blazer said:

I'm not angry at all, my friend.  Quite the opposite in fact.

Look, I don't disagree with most of what you've said here.  But who are you attributing fault to more?  OP or his girlfriend?

It's a little like the chicken or egg scenario.  Is the OP's girlfriend disincentivizing him from courting her, or is he being complacent causing her to be non-receptive to his advances?

I can only speak for myself in past relationships where I've not felt like I've ended the courtship phase, yet the honeymoon period ended and the sex nosedived for reasons outside my control.

At the end of the day, an incompatibility is an incompatibility.  Mismatched libidos can be as a result of many things and not just because of an interrupted masculine/feminine balance.

To be honest I think that it is both their faults. Their relationship sounds like a lukewarm vanilla friendship. She fears being vulnerable/feminine and tries to overcompensate by making everything 50/50 and perfectly equal. He doesn't feel motivated to seduce or push her buttons.

**They also never argue about anything and try to stay in a peaceful co-existence. That isn't passionate and sounds pretty damn boring. Not a recipe for hot sexual polarity. Now obviously arguing shouldn't be happening on a daily or even weekly basis. It isn't healthy. However,  occasional conflict in a relationship between men and women is actually healthy and stems from the passion they feel for themselves and each other. 

There is a woman I've been seeing on/off for six months. The majority of the time we're really playful with each other and keep each other on our toes. But occasionally we've had some heated arguments. She'll tell me she wants me out of her life getting all worked up, etc...Yet deep down she knows I won't be rattled, that I'll calm her down, and be a source of strength to make her feel better. This leads to her begging for it like such a good girl.   Men/women are not supposed to be equal because we're the opposite sex. Embracing those differences and occasional conflicts are what keep passion and heat alive. Without it there is no romance or excitement. That is what I think is lacking with these two and why they both need to find sig others that inspire passion in each other. 

[circleoflife]

13 minutes ago, DaddyDom said:

To be honest I think that it is both their faults. Their relationship sounds like a lukewarm vanilla friendship. She fears being vulnerable/feminine and tries to overcompensate by making everything 50/50 and perfectly equal. He doesn't feel motivated to seduce or push her buttons.

**They also never argue about anything and try to stay in a peaceful co-existence. That isn't passionate and sounds pretty damn boring. Not a recipe for hot sexual polarity. Now obviously arguing shouldn't be happening on a daily or even weekly basis. It isn't healthy. However,  occasional conflict in a relationship between men and women is actually healthy and stems from the passion they feel for themselves and each other. 

There is a woman I've been seeing on/off for six months. The majority of the time we're really playful with each other and keep each other on our toes. But occasionally we've had some heated arguments. She'll tell me she wants me out of her life getting all worked up, etc...Yet deep down she knows I won't be rattled, that I'll calm her down, and be a source of strength to make her feel better. This leads to her begging for it like such a good girl.   Men/women are not supposed to be equal because we're the opposite sex. Embracing those differences and occasional conflicts are what keep passion and heat alive. Without it there is no romance or excitement. That is what I think is lacking with these two and why they both need to find sig others that inspire passion in each other. 

I understand with your views, the way you’re looking at our relationship. But I thinking you’re looking too deeply into the perfectly equal thing. 
 

I appreciate you’re help, advice and different perspective. I will admit it is definitely nice not to be in an arguing relationship all the time. I’ve been at both ends of the scale and this is way less stress and feels a lot healthier. 
 

But yeah there is a lack of passion and I have tried multiple ways to try and spice things up without being forceful obviously. Maybe some people just aren’t compatible in this area. I have been with people who have the same sex drive as me, even more so and that connection and passion with someone is something I feel I’m missing.  It’s especially hard when I see my friends in relationships and I know they have that sexual compatibility. 

[Andy_K]

I've never head of this problem genuinely being solved, and I've spent a lot of time on dating & relationship forums over the years. I have however, heard of many people who have spent years and years trying everything under the sun to fix it, and failing. Do you want to be another one of those? If you're not compatible, move on.

There are women out there who you'll be sexually compatible with effortlessly, when you meet one you'll wonder how you ever put up a mismatch for as long as you did.