Lisa West Posted February 15, 2021 Posted February 15, 2021 (edited) Hi everyone!. I've (22) been with my boyfriend (23) three months now, but we were friends for a few months before that. He's been really great and attentive and is very physically affectionate towards me. I'm his first sexual partner and he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience. Unfortunately, I think I have some pent up trauma from my last relationship. The first time my current bf and I kissed, I felt a range of emotions including anxiety to where I couldn't even form words. He looked worried and asked if I was ok and I had said something about my last relationship messing me up emotionally. The first time we had sex, it was a nice experience and of course special for him- but the next day I felt extremely depressed and used- though he did not treat me like that AT ALL. My last relationship ended extremely suddenly. This was someone I thought might marry me someday, was an expressive person (or so I perceived) and had even asked of ideas on marriage and how I felt about kids up to a month before our breakup. It was a really tough breakup but I was glad to get over it (it took a year and a half). I've expressed that I have worries about us, but rather subtly, and my bf says he has those too- I know he worries too. I should've gone more in depth but I was feeling very disconnected from him. Though he wants to help, he's not extremely good at expressing feelings. He would rather me talk it out while he holds me and assures me. I don't really get the response I want- a real in depth conversation. I'm trying to accept that this is his way of expressing and that he is not my ex. I even have repeated dreams of him getting tired of me, angry, leaving me, being rude to family, me begging. It almost ruins my day. Is this relationship doomed? I feel like my insecurity is dividing me from him. I envy him because just like me in my last relationship- he can relax and just feel comfortable. While I'm sort of broken and feel like I'd be better off single sometimes. Edited February 15, 2021 by Lisa West
ShyViolet Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 23 hours ago, Lisa West said: I even have repeated dreams of him getting tired of me, angry, leaving me, being rude to family, me begging. It almost ruins my day. Is this relationship doomed? Every single relationship you ever have is going to be doomed if you don't get yourself into therapy and start working on these issues. I don't know what kind of trauma you may have had in your past, but the way you are describing feeling is not normal. Get therapy. You are so young and there's no reason for all your relationships in the future to be dysfunctional and unsuccessful because of this. 3 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 Sorry this is happening Talk to a therapist. Dating is not for therapy or healing from a breakup. As long as you drag that around with you, you could lose out on some decent guys. 1
MihiranCG Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening Talk to a therapist. Dating is not for therapy or healing from a breakup. As long as you drag that around with you, you could lose out on some decent guys. Agreed !! , Perfect advice
basil67 Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 On 2/16/2021 at 4:34 AM, Lisa West said: He would rather me talk it out while he holds me and assures me. I don't really get the response I want- a real in depth conversation. In this in depth conversation, what kind of thing do you imagine him saying? 1
Author Lisa West Posted February 17, 2021 Author Posted February 17, 2021 (edited) @basil67I highly dislike when people just remain quiet when I'm being vulnerable. I would imagine that he would ask me more questions to try and understand me. I'm very much like that; I like to inquire on people's thoughts and feelings to show I care. It seems like not a lot of people are like that. He doesn't ask a whole lot about me anyway, but cares when I do share. Edited February 17, 2021 by Lisa West
basil67 Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 (edited) I can see where you're coming from Lisa, and it probably needs unpacking a bit further. Yes, it's great when we have a partner who's interested in getting to know us, someone who asks about what's going on in our lives and takes interest. Yes, share concerns about a job or Uni course and get their feedback If this is what you're doing, wanting interest in what's going on is not too much to ask in a partner. However, if you're putting all your relationship anxiety on him and wishing he'd work through it with you, then you're asking too much. This is the role of a therapist. Or to a lesser degree, a BFF. But not your boyfriend. Edited February 17, 2021 by basil67 punctuation 2
BaileyB Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 On 2/15/2021 at 11:34 AM, Lisa West said: I don't really get the response I want- a real in depth conversation. He’s your boyfriend, not your counsellor. It’s not his responsibility to heal your past relationships. It’s yours, with the assistance of a counsellor. What is it that you fear the most? If you are able to discover the thing you fear the most, you can begin to work through the anxiety by challenging those thoughts and fears. A therapist will help you with this. A boyfriend can support you, but his role is to love you - not to heal you. He sounds like a good and kind man. I hope you are able to trust him, and things go well for you both. 1
Author Lisa West Posted February 18, 2021 Author Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, basil67 said: I can see where you're coming from Lisa, and it probably needs unpacking a bit further. Yes, it's great when we have a partner who's interested in getting to know us, someone who asks about what's going on in our lives and takes interest. Yes, share concerns about a job or Uni course and get their feedback If this is what you're doing, wanting interest in what's going on is not too much to ask in a partner. However, if you're putting all your relationship anxiety on him and wishing he'd work through it with you, then you're asking too much. This is the role of a therapist. Or to a lesser degree, a BFF. But not your boyfriend. Yes I see what you mean. I think overall he needs to work on how to be in a relationship since I'm his first serious one. Even his sister, who is very blunt, asked me if he talks at me rather than with me. He's improved quite a lot though and I hope we can grow together. I'm not one to easily give up because of some supposed flaws that can easily be worked on. I'm sure I have some too. Edited February 18, 2021 by Lisa West
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) He still has his training wheels on and you are dumping these heavy things on him...it's gonna make him fall off his bike and hit the ground hard. I'm surprise he hasn't shut down more. Your baggage is beyond his emotional capabilities to handle. It's best to do your worse deep issues with a counselor...don't expect him to be of any real support. I don't think it's fair for him to have to listen to/deal with the burden as his first relationship experience...it's negative and will continue to be a struggle. this is not the way to have emotional intimacy...it develops into a codependency relationship. more confusion will follow. You will feel a lot better talking with someone who is knowledgeable , and that can help you. He's just going to add more to your anxiety. Edited February 18, 2021 by smackie9 2
basil67 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 1 hour ago, Lisa West said: I'm not one to easily give up because of some supposed flaws that can easily be worked on. I assume you're talking about your flaw of not accepting him for who he is and working on acceptance? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 He isn't you, OP. You're expecting another person to behave the way you would, which is not realistic. It's also not exactly fair to expect him to want to talk about your past relationships trauma in much detail. That's awkward and uncomfortable, and suggests you need to work on your own boundaries more. Maybe has has things to work on, but so do you. He isn't your counselor. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 On 2/17/2021 at 2:00 PM, Lisa West said: I highly dislike when people just remain quiet when I'm being vulnerable. What do you mean by "vulnerable", it's a rather broad term, no? Perhaps learn not to overshare, then be hurt. Boundaries are very important. 1
dramafreezone Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) On 2/17/2021 at 11:00 AM, Lisa West said: @basil67I highly dislike when people just remain quiet when I'm being vulnerable. I would imagine that he would ask me more questions to try and understand me. I'm very much like that; I like to inquire on people's thoughts and feelings to show I care. It seems like not a lot of people are like that. He doesn't ask a whole lot about me anyway, but cares when I do share. Well, maybe this is something you have to communicate to him. He can't read your mind, and there's nothing wrong with asking for what you want. I'm 41 and I didn't learn how to properly listen to women until fairly recently. You just said he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience. He's 23, give him a break and help him to understand you better and be a better boyfriend. Edited February 18, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Author Lisa West Posted February 18, 2021 Author Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: He still has his training wheels on and you are dumping these heavy things on him...it's gonna make him fall off his bike and hit the ground hard. I'm surprise he hasn't shut down more. Your baggage is beyond his emotional capabilities to handle. It's best to do your worse deep issues with a counselor...don't expect him to be of any real support. I don't think it's fair for him to have to listen to/deal with the burden as his first relationship experience...it's negative and will continue to be a struggle. this is not the way to have emotional intimacy...it develops into a codependency relationship. more confusion will follow. You will feel a lot better talking with someone who is knowledgeable , and that can help you. He's just going to add more to your anxiety. Yes exactly, I understand that he is not experienced. I did reveal a little bit, but as I said in the post, I didn't go as far as I wanted. I actually like to think things through before I say them. However, I expected just a little bit of concern, but he just didn't really say much. If I felt like my partner was trying to say something I would do everything I could to make sure I did the right things and hopefully make things better. Honestly I'm recognizing the deeper issues here which is that it often feels one-sided. He talks a lot, about himself, about things, but isn't great at realizing that learning about someone is one of the best parts of a relationship. It feels shallow and that's probably why I feel the disconnect. I would express these things but I mean- it's totally counterintuitive to how he acts. Edited February 18, 2021 by Lisa West
Author Lisa West Posted February 18, 2021 Author Posted February 18, 2021 2 hours ago, basil67 said: I assume you're talking about your flaw of not accepting him for who he is and working on acceptance? Everyone's flaws. He needs to learn how to ask about me as a person, in general. The relationship feels shallow right now, but there's hope because he cares. And my insecurity issues. I don't know why it seems like the people on this forum think I don't own up to my own issues. I openly discussed them.
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 3 minutes ago, Lisa West said: Yes exactly, I understand that he is not experienced. I did reveal a little bit, but as I said in the post, I didn't go as far as I wanted. I actually like to think things through before I say them. However, I expected just a little bit of concern, but he just didn't really say much. If I felt like my partner was trying to say something I would do everything I could to make sure I did the right things and hopefully make things better. Honestly I'm recognizing the deeper issues here which is that it often feels one-sided. He talks a lot, about himself, about things, but isn't great at realizing that learning about someone is one of the best parts of a relationship. It feels shallow and that's probably why I feel the disconnect. I would express these things but I mean- it's totally counterintuitive to how he acts. You are only two months in....this is the time to have good times, fun, enjoy passion, giggles, inside jokes, smiles, etc. and learning about what kind of pizza you like, or movies, hopes and dreams. If you want a shining knight/rescuer type of guy, there are plenty out there, this guy isn't interested in doing it. And to be honest I don't blame him for being silent, diverting the conversation.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 I feel like your boyfriend sounds like a sweetheart and you need to not expect him to behave in certain ways. Better to appreciate him for who he is and what he contributes, rather than set expectations on how he should express himself to make you comfortable. Making yourself comfortable is more your responsibility than his, and it seems you are dragging your unresolved baggage into something new that should be sweet and lovely. Then you are finding fault with him for being "inexperienced." You're putting him under a microscope when you should be putting yourself under a microscope. Really, you are projecting your past disappointments from ex onto current boyfriend. By doing do, you're sabotaging your current relationship. The trauma you suffered is for you to heal; it is not a product of his "inexperience." I hope you lighten up on this guy because it seems he's trying his best to be good to you. Instead, seek out other sources to heal your past wounds. Don't expect that from him. Enjoy the positive contributions he's making to your life. Don't try to control him or his personality. Don't look down on him because you had one more serious relatiinship than him. That's not kind. Hope my two cents benefits you. 1
Author Lisa West Posted February 18, 2021 Author Posted February 18, 2021 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You are only two months in....this is the time to have good times, fun, enjoy passion, giggles, inside jokes, smiles, etc. and learning about what kind of pizza you like, or movies, hopes and dreams. If you want a shining knight/rescuer type of guy, there are plenty out there, this guy isn't interested in doing it. And to be honest I don't blame him for being silent, diverting the conversation. I understand what you mean. It's honestly so difficult to express what's going on through a short forum post on the internet. That's exactly the issue though: he doesn't bother to get to know my hopes and dreams, favorite type of pizza, etc. It's nice to express these things on my own, but I like being asked too. I don't see that as being a rescuer, just a guy who is paying attention
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Lisa West said: I understand what you mean. It's honestly so difficult to express what's going on through a short forum post on the internet. That's exactly the issue though: he doesn't bother to get to know my hopes and dreams, favorite type of pizza, etc. It's nice to express these things on my own, but I like being asked too. I don't see that as being a rescuer, just a guy who is paying attention Ok then you know what you just realized....he's not the one for you.
dramafreezone Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Ok then you know what you just realized....he's not the one for you. These two are just babies. They don't even know what they're going to turn into yet. I think if someone finds "the one" at 22 then it's just dumb luck. OP maybe try asking him to ask more questions and see what happens. This is part of explaining that this is how you want to have affection communicated to you. His love language is obviously touch. Yours is probably words of affirmation. The disconnect is that each of you thinks that your own love language should be the other person's. Edited February 18, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2021 Posted February 18, 2021 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Lisa West said: I understand what you mean. It's honestly so difficult to express what's going on through a short forum post on the internet. That's exactly the issue though: he doesn't bother to get to know my hopes and dreams, favorite type of pizza, etc. It's nice to express these things on my own, but I like being asked too. I don't see that as being a rescuer, just a guy who is paying attention Before you breakup with the guy though, you could just tell him that. Tell him that you wish that he paid more attention to what you like, that he asked more questions, that you could talk more about life. But be prepared, he’s a guy. Not all guys are like this, but men generally don’t converse the same way that women do. My guy is happy as long as I’m sitting next to him on the sofa watching a television show that he enjoys. If I want his attention, I say “hey! Listen to this. I need to tell you something. I need your opinion.” I’ve been with my guy for five years. He could tell you that I like pizza, he has no idea what I like on my pizza. He also tells me that he told me once he loves me, I should just assume that it hasn’t changed until he tells me so. Now, he is being funny... but, there is some truth in there. He just goes about life... Men are just different than women. We have different interests. Different needs. And you need to understand and respect that. You also need to know that he can’t possibly do what you want him to do if you don’t tell him. So, talk to him. Tell him that you like it when he asks you questions, takes an interest in your day. And see what happens... I’m just saying - set your expectations realistically. If you have only been dating for a short time and he literally never asks you anything about yourself - he is not the one. I’ve been out with guys like that, they literally couldn’t hold a conversation. They didn’t last long. But, if you are expecting to have discussions with him about your hopes and dreams and you want to talk with him about the anxiety you feel from your past relationships...that’s a conversation better had with your girlfriends, or a counsellor. No one person can be everything. He will bring things to your life that your girlfriends done (like a tv watching snuggle partner on the sofa). And they bring things to your life that he doesn’t (deep and emotional conversations over a glass of wine). Edited February 18, 2021 by BaileyB 2
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: maybe try asking him to ask more questions and see what happens. This is part of explaining that this is how you want to have affection communicated to you. His love language is obviously touch. Yours is probably words of affirmation. The disconnect is that each of you thinks that your own love language should be the other person's. Hope you don't mind my add on... @dramafreezone appears to be referencing a popular relationship book titled The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's a good read. Consider checking it out or look it up on Youtube. 1
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