I'm involved with a man who doesn't date due to his religious beliefs. How do I tell him I want him in my life?

[Delia]

This man and I met 2 years ago on Instagram by chance and we’ve been talking day and night ever since. It’s always been remotely sexual and somewhat romantic since probably the first couple of days we texted. We’re countries apart and he’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t date due to his religious beliefs and is waiting until marriage to do anything, which I’ve respected for all this time. 

I let him know directly countless times that to me he’s more than just a sexual relief and that i still want him in my life even if he can’t give me the love that I want. He’s indirectly told me that I’ve “made his heart flutter” and that he’s “had to walk into a room alone to calm down” because of me. It was enough for me to get the hint that my feelings were mutual, but I think he feels religious guilt or he feels like he’s leading me because he can’t date.

I want to make this clear in the comments, this person isn’t my boyfriend. I respect his beliefs and don’t want him to feel guilt because of me. We’ve never put a label on what we are and we’re both fine with that for now. However as time went on I somewhat figured out that I cared about this man more than I think he knows. I want to meet him after the pandemic and see if we’d be compatible together in marriage but I don’t know how to go about it.

If I tell him what I want to do, it’ll be a hard no from him because he’s going to think that I want to meet him for sex, which I don’t. He’s very stubborn. I’m also waiting until marriage but I haven’t found the right time to tell him that yet. Either way, I don’t want to give up on him just yet so I was thinking that I could travel to where he is for ‘business’ and spend a few days with him as friends. If it works out, things will get a lot more complicated and if it doesn’t work out, I’ve just lost the person I care most about in life. I’m so stuck and I don’t understand why this is so hard.

Even so, if I go through with this, during those few days I’d like to ask him how he feels about me without beating around the bush in texts and calls. I want to ask him whether he sees me in his future and ask him if he’d wait for the both of us to be ready to start something serious.

Is this too much? Any ideas on what I could do to let my feelings be known to him? Should I just be happy with what the two of us have and move on from this idea?

[BaileyB]

Is marriage outside of his religion/culture an option for him? Because if it’s not, you are wasting your time here. 

[d0nnivain]

Do you share his religion or are you at least willing to convert?  If you are not of the same faith, this will be a non-starter for him

Edited February 15, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Delia]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is marriage outside of his religion/culture an option for him? Because if it’s not, you are wasting your time here. 

No, just dating. I don’t think I explained it very well in the post but he doesn’t date because in his culture, men and women marry after their parents have met and all family members agree on the marriage. Dating isn’t allowed because there’s no bond between the families

[Delia]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do you share his religion or are you at least willing to convert?  If you are not of the same faith, this will be a non-starter for him

I kind of share his religion in one way or another. My father comes from the same religion as him and so I have quite a few teachings, however my mother comes from a different religion and I have a few teachings from her as well. I never picked which religion to follow but I’m definitely willing to convert to his if he would like me to

[d0nnivain]

If family meeting  & bonding it part of the pre-marital ritual do you have a plan to arrange that?  If you don't, this remains a non-starter.  He's not going to defy his parents & his God.  Marrying for love is not in the cards.  

Your best bet will be to get your father, who shares his faith, to ask him for an intro to his father & then the fathers can talk from there. 

Edited February 15, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Delia]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

If family meeting  & bonding it part of the pre-marital ritual do you have a plan to arrange that?  If you don't, this remains a non-starter.  He's not going to defy his parents & his God.  Marrying for love is not in the cards.  

Your best bet will be to get your father, who shares his faith, to ask him for an intro to his father & then the fathers can talk from there. 

Yeah I was thinking about that but I first wanted to meet him and talk to him about this. I don’t know if he wants to spend his life with me yet and getting our families involved when this “relationship” is basically just us being friends with a mutual connection seems a bit far. I also know that neither of us are ready for marriage - I’m still getting my degree and he’s not financially stable, which is a big deal to both of us. I also don’t want to tie him down with a long distance thing when, so far, we’ve agreed that if we find somebody to love who’s closer to us, we’d tell each other. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you don't, this remains a non-starter.  He's not going to defy his parents & his God.  Marrying for love is not in the cards.  

This. I’m not worried about dating or premarital sex, if you are not from his religion and thus considered and appropriate and acceptable partner, then it’s a non-starter. You are wasting your time. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Delia said:

I was thinking about that but I first wanted to meet him and talk to him about this.

Yes, you need to meet the man. You should not be consider marriage with a man that you have never even met, in person. 

[Delia]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Yes, you need to meet the man. You should not be consider marriage with a man that you have never even met, in person. 

Aha no, I’ve met him before but never for this particular reason. I just thought it’d be better to discuss in person rather than by call

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Delia said:

Aha no, I’ve met him before but never for this particular reason. I just thought it’d be better to discuss in person rather than by call

Sorry, I misunderstood. 

[Delia]

that’s alright

[Roxy Pitter]

Maybe ask him if he ever wants to get married or not! cuz Normally these religious guys who flirt and jerk off but don't want to date, are just confused about what they actually want bc they are too much into religious details. And they don't even know if they want to get married or not!

[spiderowl]

Has this guy shown any interest in wanting to meet you?  It is one thing to seek a sexual thrill by chatting to a pretty woman online but another to want to meet her and see what develops?  If he was really interested in you, he would be struggling to meet his parents' expectations and would be asking himself if there was a way both your parents could get to know each other and arrange things.

I don't think this guy is serious about you.  If he was, you would know and he would be making strenuous efforts to find a way to bring you into his life.  If he is not doing these things, he is just having fun online.  I would cut your losses if I were you and find someone who would make every effort to be with you, not leave it up to you to find a way.

[Amethyst68]

On 2/15/2021 at 1:02 PM, Delia said:

It’s always been remotely sexual and somewhat romantic since probably the first couple of days we texted. 

This is going to sound harsh but if this man was truly sticking to his religious beliefs he wouldn't be speaking to women on the internet in such a manner,  probably without his parent's knowledge,  at least about the content of the messages. Its likely his family have chosen several prospective women for him to chose his his wife from already.

However, have you thought about talking to your parents? Your dad obviously made the decision to break away from tradition. It may be worthwhile discussing the reality of the situation.