Have I screwed up by cutting him off, or should I be friends? What is going on in this situation?

[Peony86]

I am interested to think if others on here think I've done the right thing. Sorry it is a bit long but I keep turning it over and over in my mind wondering if I have screwed up or done the right thing. I am a 37 yo woman who is looking for love. He's 32 and I think more interested in casual dating.

 

Here's the story:

met a lovely man on a dating app in October. We've spent all weekend together for 4 weekends in a row. A bit of texting during the week as well. We had a fab time together.

I started to feel myself falling for him a little and so I told him I was starting to get a crush on him and asked him if he thought we were just casual or if he felt the same. 

His response was: I enjoy being with you a lot, the sex is amazing, and you are awesome but I am not ready for a relationship. And we've only seen each other 4 times. I'm not sure. If you want to date other people that's fine. I appreciate you telling me. We can continue seeing each other but maybe more as friends. You're the only person I'm seeing and perhaps we shouldn't have sex again until we're sure about one another."

I thanked him and then said, that's fine, I will date other people in that case, and I said "let's just be friends".

He apologised for hurting me and said he had no idea I was attached already.

I said that's fine, he didn't hurt me, and I'll just focus on meeting someone new and not to worry.

He wrote to me that this is his problem and that on one hand, he wants to be in love and loves the idea, but on the other hand he doesn't want to fall in love and it scares him so he puts up walls.

Then he said:

"We can be friends, and if some day you want more than that with me, I would definitely say yes because I really like you. But I don't believe myself capable of falling in love and I'm still closed off to it. I hope you understand."

That was in December, we continued seeing each other as "friends" but always with a sexual undercurrent and we slept together once, which I didn't plan to and felt bad about afterwards. He continued texting me and treating me kind of like a girlfriend. I told him that I absolutely couldn't keep sleeping with him because I get attached that way.

After I'd said that, in early Jan, the attention from him tapered off, the texts became fewer. 

He then texted me to ask me if I was seeing anyone and if he could tell me about his love life?

I replied, no I wasn't seeing anyone and taking a break from online dating. He told me he had had the first several dates with a girl and it was going very well. He told me that he would be coming to my city on the weekends and wanted to see me too "as friends". He told me he really enjoyed spending time with me. He dressed it up as friends but it sounded more like he was keeping his options open because when I told him I couldn't see him next weekend he sounded put out.

I said to him, sorry it's too weird for me to be so attracted to someone who might soon be someone else's boyfriend. I wished him all the best with his new connection and said, he'll always be more than a friend to me so that's why we can't do friendship. He seemed genuinely upset and said he felt misled by me saying I would be happy with friendship and he wanted to see me again. He kept saying how sad he was. I stayed firm on what I decided. He said, I'll text you, I said, no don't do that. If I change my mind about being "friends"` I'll text you. I said I like my life to be uncomplicated and this situation was becoming too complicated. 

Do you think I did the right thing by cutting him off? I am guessing that if he decides he likes me, he'll come back and let me know at some point.  I don't want a front row seat to his new romance going well. I am in love with him but he doesn't know. 

Would be interested to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. 

[Alpacalia]

No, you did the right thing. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you, but it's for the best.

[Wiseman2]

Yes. No contact is best in this case. He was clear about being casual but you wanted more and that in itself is an impasse.

[d0nnivain]

Yes you did the right thing.  You are not obligated to settle for half a loaf to spare his feelings.  If he is a good person he will leave you alone unless he wants a relationship with you

[Fletch Lives]

Well, a guy who does not want a relationship and claims he can't fall in love won't make a good catch. Obviously he wants a no-strings relationship / sex only. I'd run from him.

[Versacehottie]

Yes, you did the right thing.  Not sure what he is trying to do but needless to say it's too complicated now as you put it.  Sounds like he is always keeping the sexual undercurrent there/or dangling a carrot of a potential relationship way down the line.  I think you should perhaps be insulted that he wanted you to hear about his new crush---that's kind of cruel in this context.  On that alone, I think it's way too complicated and he is not a real friend. 

I think for what you want, a real relationship, it will serve you best to sever ties with this guy. I think he may try to make it hard because I guess he will be back several more times perhaps over a long period.  Stick to your plan though.  I might even suggest blocking.  Good luck & keep going for what you want in life.  Why play a bit part in his life when you should be going for being the leading lady of your own?

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Peony86 said:

He seemed genuinely upset and said he felt misled by me 

He seemed genuinely "upset" about what?  About the fact that you won't let him string you along and play with your emotions?  Give me a break.  You absolutely did the right thing.  There's no point in staying friends with this guy.  He couldn't have been more clear that he is not interested in a relationship with you.  So move on.

[Peony86]

Thank you everyone for your input. It gave me the push I needed to block him so I can move on with my life. I know I deserve someone who is fully into me, rather than someone who wants to keep me as their fallback girl. 

[Alpacalia]

47 minutes ago, Peony86 said:

Thank you everyone for your input. It gave me the push I needed to block him so I can move on with my life. I know I deserve someone who is fully into me, rather than someone who wants to keep me as their fallback girl. 

Good. This individual has been absolutely horrible to you and you deserve so much better!