Jeannie Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 When I first started dating my ex I went to a family gathering at a beach house his mom rented. His mom and two sisters were there. After meeting them my ex told me "My sister says you seem like the jealous type". That pissed me off royal and I asked "How could she form that opinion of me in just that short period of time?". We had just started dating and I by no means was jealous about anything. I think he said that because he wanted me to be jealous. A few weeks later he started saying things like "This girl at work was telling me about her problems in her relationship...." or "I can still make it to the topless bar before it closes...". He'd say "I dated this girl named Alicia for a while but it didn't work out - I wonder why I haven't heard from her lately". Ok, why would someone say these things and at the same time be telling me "I'm falling in love with you"..... ????? Is this part of narcisstic behavior? He was a very self absorbed guy - to the point he seemed almost in love with himself. I'm still pissed at him - I just still wonder till this day what was the meaning behind some of his comments. He also had an unusually close relationship with his sister. He'd call and tell her EVERYTHING that we did (sex, dates, arguments, etc.). This was a major factor in me calling it off - I felt he ran to his sister about everything that happened in our relationship and there was nothing private kept between the two of us. Everytime we had arguments he would rush to speed dial his sister and tell her everything. She of course backed him and fed his ego. I'm still angry and resentful. I try to let go but I feel I was unfairly judged. I wasn't jealous about anything - he tried provoking me. He'd do things like leave his porn magazines in his bathroom for me to see when I came over and do other things that I felt were intentional and downright tasteless. I'm not jealous - I do expect a man to respect me and the things he did proved his lack of respect. I'm no longer involved with him but I'm still pissed I was treated like this for no reason. I actually cared for the guy but he seemed to be out to get me or out to crush my self esteem. Any comments?
JohnJohn Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Is this part of narcisstic behavior? He was a very self absorbed guy - to the point he seemed almost in love with himself. It could be, but not necessarily. Narcissism carries a broad spectrum of behaviors. He does seem to have some. But he might be just trying to make you jealous for whatever reason. The relationship with his sister is interesting. Tell us more about that. How is his relationship with his parents, especially his mother? Narcissists often have issues and even have been abused, emotionally, verbally or physically, by their opposite sex parent.
Author Jeannie Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 When he was 14 his mother left him and his dad and sisters to run off with another man. He said she was gone 7 years and never contacted him while proceeding with a divorce from his dad. His sisters lived with his mom but his mom made no attempts at contact until 7 years later. He was mad at her a long time but then they reconciled. His last marriage ended in divorce when his wife cheated on him. I can see why she left him for another man. He's too wrapped up in himself so she probably felt like I did - ignored and not important. He had one son with his ex and since she cheated on him he got custody of his son. Back to him though - he is 47 and wanted badly to get married and settle down. But at the same time he kept doing and saying things that seemed to prove otherwise. I just can't figure out why he said the things he did. Was he trying to feed his own ego? If he had a few drinks he'd get worse and say things like "I can get any woman I want to marry me" or "I've done everything with women - there's nothing I haven't ever done". I never took him serious or believed that for one minute - he lied alot and sometimes the lies he told me were so assinine I'd crack up laughing. I told him he was full of himself and I didn't believe half of what he told me. I too asked him "Why do you feel the need to talk so much trash to me? Can't you just be genuine and honest - you're much more attractive to me when you're real and not making up stories or trying to make me jealous". If it's not narcissicm it's gotta be major insecurity. Maybe the fact his mom abandoned him and his ex cheated on him is the root of why he was this way with me. Maybe he wanted to hurt me and punish me for things his mom and ex did to him?
JohnJohn Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 If it's not narcissicm it's gotta be major insecurity. Maybe the fact his mom abandoned him and his ex cheated on him is the root of why he was this way with me. Maybe he wanted to hurt me and punish me for things his mom and ex did to him? I'd say from what you are saying here that most likely you are correct. The narcissist's conflict with the opposite sex parent is carried forward and re-established in an intimate relationship (yours). He is directing his aggression towards you. Punishing you is a way to get back at the abusive people in his past. That leads narcissists to fear abandonment because it has happened to them before. They do all kinds of crazy stuff to avoid abandonment, but the funny thing is that they end up bringing on the abandonment themselves. I went through a similar situation. The sad thing is often times they are not fully aware of doing this and will never see their part in it and will always blame someone else (you in this situation) and will go from relationship to relationship. Best advice is to run. You didn't cause it and you certainly cannot fix it. Nothing you can do, except leave, will help. I know it's hard to do when you care for the person, but you must take care of yourself first. He needs to deal with this on his own. That is if he ever wants to. Chances are slim. Even with therapy, they rarely change because the problem is too deeply rooted and often takes YEARS of therapy to correct. Do you want to invest that time on a slim chance like that? I hope not. I had to face the realization of the same thing. It's tough so hang in there.
luluh1 Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 my husband grew up the eldest son of an officer, which during the 60's kept him away from the house...so his mother of course was responsible for everything. I am wondering if in his absense that my husband was physically abused, as well as verbally and emotionally. His brother is an alocoholic, and was a "rebel" so was ostrisized, to this day, and his sister can be brought to tears by her mother to this day and she's in her 50's. Their mother is VERY strong willed, and very "anal" for a lack of a better word, about EVERYTHING. my husband is caring to those that are less fortunate,and reminds them of it, and I am beginning to see that he is always looking for praise, "dont you love me anymore" if we have even the slightest tiff, look at what I have bought or have done...and sexually he wont come near me. I have been emotionally abused by him, and verbally, and I guess sexually since I never signed on for a platonic marriage. I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly think of to peak his interest, and he says I prefer slimmer women. ( im not fat). 5'7 @ 130 lbs is not fat by a long shot. Is this narcissitic, or is he a victim of abuse. He is very grandiose about things. big house new expensive cars. if it is not high dollar he's just not interested....what do I do? Leave....and let him sort his own problems out, which he wont discuss, or just stay put and live my life with a big house nice car and a husband that seems to prefer to stay half way around the world working instead of being at home with his family. Could he be running from his mother? please....can I fix this?
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