Struggling with Online Crush (Embarrassed About it Too)

[Dog Lover 82]

About a month ago a man started following me on Instagram and he immediately caught my eye because his page is basically the same as mine (fitness, dogs, hiking) and he's quite attractive. I didn't think too much of it, but soon he started "slipping into my DMs" so to speak by reacting to my stories. Eventually, we started chatting and he was very forward and flirtatious with me. Let me stop here a second and say I am not that experienced at dating (I've had a few LT relationships) and have very little experience with flirting with guys I'm attracted to so I feel like I could be overreacting to this whole situation, which makes me feel stupid.

The first time we chatted, it was back and forth for about an hour. Then he reached out again a few days later and we chatted a bit. He backed off again and reached out a week later and we chatted throughout the day. Now he's gone silent again. When I say back off, I mean he hasn't viewed my stories for days and hasn't messaged me. He does respond if I comment on his posts, so it's not a full ghosting. I feel quite terrible about it and it all feels so immature because I'm paying attention to whether he views my stories, likes my posts, how he responds to comments I leave on his posts, etc. Because he's quite attractive I see a lot of women commenting on all his posts kind of throwing themselves at him. I've developed a huge crush on him but I assume the competition is fierce and he's probably just chatting with a bunch of other women. I haven't had this kind of attention from a guy I'm so interested in...ever...so it makes me feel that much worse.

So I understand that it's just Instagram, but why would he be so forward with me and invest that much time only to almost ignore me? It's really making me feel terrible because I don't really put myself out there that much and he's the one who sought me out. I find myself wondering what his game was, whether he's just talking to me when he's bored, etc. The other thing is, he lives in another state so I don't even know what I'm thinking is supposed to happen anyway. I've muted his posts to try to kind of distance myself because I feel like a complete idiot. 

I guess I just need some comforting or insight. I just feel so stupid as a grown adult woman to be worrying about things like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

34 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

So I understand that it's just Instagram, but why would he be so forward with me and invest that much time only to almost ignore me?

I think part of the issue is how you perceive "investment." 

Chatting with someone online really isn't an investment. Yes, it can be a fun way to pass the time but you appear to be assigning more significance to it than the situation merits. So while it may feel jarring when someone suddenly goes silent, keep in mind he's a stranger and doesn't really deserve your emotional energy. 

There is no need to feel stupid; you just need to keep perspective and keep your expectations low when a random guy online gets in touch. It's not a reflection of your worth as a person. 

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think part of the issue is how you perceive "investment." 

Chatting with someone online really isn't an investment. Yes, it can be a fun way to pass the time but you appear to be assigning more significance to it than the situation merits. So while it may feel jarring when someone suddenly goes silent, keep in mind he's a stranger and doesn't really deserve your emotional energy. 

There is no need to feel stupid; you just need to keep perspective and keep your expectations low when a random guy online gets in touch. It's not a reflection of your worth as a person. 

Thank you for your response. Yes, I think I make a bigger deal out of it because I am so inexperienced with men and I'm shy in general so when I give energy to someone it means a lot more. Plus, it was unexpectedly nice to get positive attention from someone I'm interested in. That hasn't happened in ages and I guess I got my hopes up.

Edited February 14, 2021 by Tina Marie 82

[kendahke]

I agree--investment has a completely different meaning than what he's doing.  He's not investing anything. He's passing time. He's got other women who have got his attention: women he might actually know and know way better than you.

Dial back your expectations to what is actually going on, not what you wish was going on. It isn't that.

[ShyViolet]

He lives in another state, so this whole thing is completely pointless anyway.  He is almost definitely chatting with other women too.  Don't let yourself get caught up in this thing that really has no basis in reality.  You should stop wasting your time with this.  Muting his posts was a good idea.

[Dog Lover 82]

5 hours ago, kendahke said:

I agree--investment has a completely different meaning than what he's doing.  He's not investing anything. He's passing time. He's got other women who have got his attention: women he might actually know and know way better than you.

Dial back your expectations to what is actually going on, not what you wish was going on. It isn't that.

OK, yeah I don't know what I was thinking. It's never what I'm wishing was going on, to be honest. I give up. Well, I had already given up but I give up again. 

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

He lives in another state, so this whole thing is completely pointless anyway.  He is almost definitely chatting with other women too.  Don't let yourself get caught up in this thing that really has no basis in reality.  You should stop wasting your time with this.  Muting his posts was a good idea.

True. Not sure why I even bothered. Excited that someone might have actually been interested in me. I'll go back to being a crazy dog lady.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Plus, it was unexpectedly nice to get positive attention from someone I'm interested in. 

The thing to remember too is that you don't know this guy, so you're interested in the idea of him. 

You know only a very small fraction of who he actually is. It's important not to project our hopes onto a stranger, simply because we have no way of knowing if the image we have in our heads actually matches reality. 

[littleblackheart]

Hi OP,

There actually are a lot of ways you can get to know who someone really is, even online or from a distance, because everyone leaves clues about their characters and personality. Switch your mind on, and you'll start seeing this guy's flaws and contradictions. That should help you put things in perspective.

No need to be embarrassed by it, though. Embrace it as a learning curve. Make it about what you can learn from it, not about him.

3 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

 I'll go back to being a crazy dog lady.

Why?! (unless that's what you want to do!).

When you think about it in a positive light, catching someone's interest, even mild, is a nice little ego boost. Allow it to raise your self-esteem!

Use this crush as your 'awakening moment'. You say you are inexperienced and shy? Make this crush a practice run for when you meet someone who is equally interested in you. It could be him, or someone else, who knows. I personally think having a crush is your mind's way of telling you you are readying yourself for the possibility of a relationship later down the track. That's actually exciting!

ETA: Is this crush mutual?

Edited February 15, 2021 by littleblackheart

[Dog Lover 82]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The thing to remember too is that you don't know this guy, so you're interested in the idea of him. 

You know only a very small fraction of who he actually is. It's important not to project our hopes onto a stranger, simply because we have no way of knowing if the image we have in our heads actually matches reality. 

Welcome to my mind. I'm a writer and have an overactive imagination. It's great for writing. Unfortunately, this is how it works with other people. Add that to the fact that there's been nothing going on in my life romantically for almost four years and you've got a recipe for disaster. To be honest though, I don't usually get gaga for people I barely know. Have you ever seen someone and just thought "wow, this person has really got it going on"? That's kind of what happened and then he started talking to me and we happened to have the same sense of humor so I started getting the crush. I understand that I only know a snippet of him that he chooses to project on social media. 

[Dog Lover 82]

8 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

Hi OP,

There actually are a lot of ways you can get to know who someone really is, even online or from a distance, because everyone leaves clues about their characters and personality. Switch your mind on, and you'll start seeing this guy's flaws and contradictions. That should help you put things in perspective.

No need to be embarrassed by it, though. Embrace it as a learning curve. Make it about what you can learn from it, not about him.

Why?! (unless that's what you want to do!).

When you think about it in a positive light, catching someone's interest, even mild, is a nice little ego boost. Allow it to raise your self-esteem!

Use this crush as your 'awakening moment'. You say you are inexperienced and shy? Make this crush a practice run for when you meet someone who is equally interested in you. It could be him, or someone else, who knows. I personally think having a crush is your mind's way of telling you you are readying yourself for the possibility of a relationship later down the track. That's actually exciting!

ETA: Is this crush mutual?

Because I'm nearly 40 and my obstacles of being shy have made me bitter about dating. I have zero faith that there is someone for me. I mean, people always say "stay positive" and "love comes when you least expect it" and all these other cliches, but I mean there's no guarantee that all of us get love in the end.

In a last attempt, I tried to give online a go at the beginning of the pandemic and it made me feel terrible because it was just a bunch of mismatches or guys sending me obscene messages. I haven't been on a date in almost four years and I barely meet anyone because I'm a shy introvert and get social anxiety - so basically pandemic lifestyle is my normal life. 

I feel better alone than when I'm dating anyway, even though I'm lonely. 

[amygirl908]

Couple things I know no one really advocates for long distance relationships on here but they are possible and I don't think you should write someone off who lives out of state if you have an interest in them. I have been in LDR and I know people who have had successful LDR relationships. You never know where/how you're going to meet someone you could fall in love with. LDR is definitely HARD but it's not impossible.

Similar to your story I met a guy who got the wrong number from another girl on an airplane. We started texting and calling all the time and even saw each other a few times. He flew through my airport frequently for work. Ultimately it didn't work out but I'm not sad for pursuing that relationship.

I think what the problem is here is that you got your hopes up too high. When you get that anxious feeling and find yourself constantly checking up on their profile or whatever, that is a sign to check yourself and what you're doing/feeling. It's totally normal to do that too!

Dating in general is just so much harder than it used to be. There are too many options and everyone is always looking for the next best thing.

[Dog Lover 82]

12 minutes ago, amygirl908 said:

Couple things I know no one really advocates for long distance relationships on here but they are possible and I don't think you should write someone off who lives out of state if you have an interest in them. I have been in LDR and I know people who have had successful LDR relationships. You never know where/how you're going to meet someone you could fall in love with. LDR is definitely HARD but it's not impossible.

Similar to your story I met a guy who got the wrong number from another girl on an airplane. We started texting and calling all the time and even saw each other a few times. He flew through my airport frequently for work. Ultimately it didn't work out but I'm not sad for pursuing that relationship.

I think what the problem is here is that you got your hopes up too high. When you get that anxious feeling and find yourself constantly checking up on their profile or whatever, that is a sign to check yourself and what you're doing/feeling. It's totally normal to do that too!

Dating in general is just so much harder than it used to be. There are too many options and everyone is always looking for the next best thing.

I understand the general opinion of LDRs. Especially when you're starting from far away. But I know people who met one weekend at a conference, started talking from halfway across the US, and then he moved to be with her and they're now married and just had a baby. So I think anything is possible in that regard. It is a lot to consider though. I already felt uneasy with this guy because he gets a lot of attention from women...he's just one of those guys because he seems to have a lot going on. It's not that I don't feel that I can't compete...I just don't want to because that seems like a big risk to take emotionally when I already feel all messed up about it. The guy has definitely expressed solid interest in me, but I don't know whether he just does that with women or whether he also feels it might be pointless because of the distance. I just get this hot/cold vibe from him. 

I really like this response though because it's a soft reality check without making me feel ridiculous.   I'm just going to continue distancing from this guy and I guess if he misses me, we'll see what he does. You're right...I did get my hopes up too high because I was like "wow, this really interesting, good looking and successful man is giving me attention and telling me that I made him blush and that I'm awesome." I'll try to ground myself better. 

[amygirl908]

51 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I just get this hot/cold vibe from him. 

I really like this response though because it's a soft reality check without making me feel ridiculous.   I'm just going to continue distancing from this guy and I guess if he misses me, we'll see what he does. You're right...I did get my hopes up too high because I was like "wow, this really interesting, good looking and successful man is giving me attention and telling me that I made him blush and that I'm awesome." I'll try to ground myself better. 

Go with your gut on the hot/cold 99.9% of the time it will never get better. Literally my biggest pet peeve is people who are hot and cold. It's toxic... poop or get off the pot. Don't string people along and play with their feelings.

Thank you! We have all been there! I find I'm checking myself constantly ain't nothing wrong with it. Noticing things and being mindful is what's most important the better you are at recognizing things, especially within yourself, the easier the journey gets. Also don't ground yourself too hard... hell yeah you made him blush and you're awesome! Take what he's put out there and use it make yourself better and if he wants to come around that's his business, but build up that self esteem!

Edited February 15, 2021 by amygirl908

[Dog Lover 82]

59 minutes ago, amygirl908 said:

Go with your gut on the hot/cold 99.9% of the time it will never get better. Literally my biggest pet peeve is people who are hot and cold. It's toxic... poop or get off the pot. Don't string people along and play with their feelings.

Thank you! We have all been there! I find I'm checking myself constantly ain't nothing wrong with it. Noticing things and being mindful is what's most important the better you are at recognizing things, especially within yourself, the easier the journey gets. Also don't ground yourself too hard... hell yeah you made him blush and you're awesome! Take what he's put out there and use it make yourself better and if he wants to come around that's his business, but build up that self esteem!

I've never been in a situation where I wasn't dealing with a hot/cold personality, which makes me wonder if it's me. I don't risk anything with anyone...guys have to pretty much do all the work and I reciprocate but never make moves. I sometimes wonder if this leads to the hot/cold behavior from them. Or maybe I've just had a run with those type of people. 

It's so weird because in every other aspect of my life I have incredibly high self esteem, but with men I get all flustered and question everything. Like when this guy reached out to me, I suspected he was a catfish account at first because I didn't believe a guy like that would want to talk to me. I don't know if that's something common because I do believe I have value. I just don't know why I feel that way with men.

[amygirl908]

7 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I've never been in a situation where I wasn't dealing with a hot/cold personality, which makes me wonder if it's me. I don't risk anything with anyone...guys have to pretty much do all the work and I reciprocate but never make moves. I sometimes wonder if this leads to the hot/cold behavior from them. Or maybe I've just had a run with those type of people. 

It's so weird because in every other aspect of my life I have incredibly high self esteem, but with men I get all flustered and question everything. Like when this guy reached out to me, I suspected he was a catfish account at first because I didn't believe a guy like that would want to talk to me. I don't know if that's something common because I do believe I have value. I just don't know why I feel that way with men.

I think it's a common personality thing. I run into it all the time with dating and even go through it with my boss. It can be related to your attachment style but often times it has nothing to do with us.

I used to feel that way and sometimes I still wonder, but then I just decided I don't care anymore. I know my value and my worth and I don't need a guy to validate that for me. If a guy/people can't see that for themselves that's their problem not mine. I'd rather be alone than with people who are too dumb to appreciate the real me and value me and for who I am. Ain't nobody got time for that. I spent years chasing after men's approval - I don't need that stamp anymore lol the only one that matters is your own.

[Dog Lover 82]

18 minutes ago, amygirl908 said:

I think it's a common personality thing. I run into it all the time with dating and even go through it with my boss. It can be related to your attachment style but often times it has nothing to do with us.

I used to feel that way and sometimes I still wonder, but then I just decided I don't care anymore. I know my value and my worth and I don't need a guy to validate that for me. If a guy/people can't see that for themselves that's their problem not mine. I'd rather be alone than with people who are too dumb to appreciate the real me and value me and for who I am. Ain't nobody got time for that. I spent years chasing after men's approval - I don't need that stamp anymore lol the only one that matters is your own.

I thought I didn't care anymore but that's just because I wasn't even talking to guys. LOL. This experience has scared me into thinking I still have too much s*** to work on before I can date without being a basket case. I agree with alone being better than people who don't value you. I've gotten so comfortable with being alone that I had just completely given up...literally haven't even tried to date in over a year and my last actual date was nearly four years ago. 

[amygirl908]

1 minute ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I thought I didn't care anymore but that's just because I wasn't even talking to guys. LOL. This experience has scared me into thinking I still have too much s*** to work on before I can date without being a basket case. I agree with alone being better than people who don't value you. I've gotten so comfortable with being alone that I had just completely given up...literally haven't even tried to date in over a year and my last actual date was nearly four years ago. 

This just is so similar to my journey. If you're thinking about being scared and the stuff you have to work on you're further than you think. Getting over the denial is the hardest part it's all downhill the rest of the way. What I did was throw myself into my relationships with my friends. I for whatever reason had kept them at arms length. I'm learning how to build healthy intimate (not sexually) relationships with none of the pressure that comes with dating. Those skills won't change when I shift to dating.

I only stopped dating four months ago but I've pretty much been single for almost 8 years, most of the relationships within that timespan were short and insignificant. I just was burnt out on dating and meeting new people and going through the same thing over and over and over again.

[MeadowFlower]

On 2/15/2021 at 11:42 AM, Tina Marie 82 said:

Because I'm nearly 40 and my obstacles of being shy have made me bitter about dating. I have zero faith that there is someone for me. I mean, people always say "stay positive" and "love comes when you least expect it" and all these other cliches, but I mean there's no guarantee that all of us get love in the end.

 

I feel better alone than when I'm dating anyway, even though I'm lonely. 

Yea I know, people who are overly positive drive me up the wall. It's true that not everyone ends up with love and those that do, it doesn't always last. You are allowed to have 'zero faith' as you say, that there is someone for you. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal message.

[MeadowFlower]

On 2/15/2021 at 10:58 AM, Tina Marie 82 said:

Thank you for your response. Yes, I think I make a bigger deal out of it because I am so inexperienced with men and I'm shy in general so when I give energy to someone it means a lot more.

Yes, what means a lot to us can mean not as much to other people. I don't have the theory behind this, but there are two, or maybe more, types of people..those who place a higher/deeper value on connections or communication and those who take communications more casually.

Edited February 16, 2021 by MeadowFlower

[Trail Blazer]

On 2/15/2021 at 6:23 PM, MeadowFlower said:

Yea I know, people who are overly positive drive me up the wall. It's true that not everyone ends up with love and those that do, it doesn't always last. You are allowed to have 'zero faith' as you say, that there is someone for you. 

I recall reading a while back about a thesis submitted by a University mathematician who used a derivative of The Drake Equation to estimate the odds of finding a suitable partner.

It was estimated that only one in 285,000 women would be a suitable partner. 

In a large city, the number of actual women that accounts for could probably be counted on one hand.  In a smaller city or town, it would be zero.

I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.  With almost eight-billion people on the planet, there simply has to be.  However, the odds of crossing paths with that perfect person are slim-to-none.

It's little wonder why many people feel disillusioned.  Still, if one gives up, one guarantees to not succeed.  Being a negative nelly only brings you down.

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted personal message.

[Dog Lover 82]

On 2/15/2021 at 6:23 PM, MeadowFlower said:

Yea I know, people who are overly positive drive me up the wall. It's true that not everyone ends up with love and those that do, it doesn't always last. You are allowed to have 'zero faith' as you say, that there is someone for you.

Yeah, my mom is one of those toxic positive people, so it drives me batty even though I'm a pretty positive person in most aspects of my life. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted personal message.

[Dog Lover 82]

On 2/15/2021 at 5:28 PM, MeadowFlower said:

Yes, what means a lot to us can mean not as much to other people. I don't have the theory behind this, but there are two, or maybe more, types of people..those who place a higher/deeper value on connections or communication and those who take communications more casually.

This, plus I just don't understand what people are saying about it not being an investment to spend hours chatting with someone. My time is precious. I'm not going to waste it talking to someone just because I'm bored. Maybe that's just me though. I'd rather be doing a hobby than wasting time.

[Dog Lover 82]

26 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I recall reading a while back about a thesis submitted by a University mathematician who used a derivative of The Drake Equation to estimate the odds of finding a suitable partner.

It was estimated that only one in 285,000 women would be a suitable partner. 

In a large city, the number of actual women that accounts for could probably be counted on one hand.  In a smaller city or town, it would be zero.

I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.  With almost eight-billion people on the planet, there simply has to be.  However, the odds of crossing paths with that perfect person are slim-to-none.

It's little wonder why many people feel disillusioned.  Still, if one gives up, one guarantees to not succeed.  Being a negative nelly only brings you down.

Wait, what?! Are the odds for men similar? That's a crazy statistic. How do they define "suitable?" Like the "perfect" partner or just someone you can be happy with? I already find my odds are quite low because I'm shy so I simply don't meet a lot of people in the first place. 

[MeadowFlower]

1 hour ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

This, plus I just don't understand what people are saying about it not being an investment to spend hours chatting with someone. My time is precious.

Yea, for some people that can mean next to nothing.. 

And some people think that if there hasn't been any face to face communication that the other forms of communication are of lesser value. Um, it's still a person behind those typed words.