Author Silverzebra Posted February 19, 2021 Author Posted February 19, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, usa1ah said: I really don’t understand men like your husband. So sorry your in this situation. I have remolded the kitchen, both bathrooms and the laundry room is being done now. I am doing the work with the help of my wife and boys. Wow she’s is incredibly fortunate. I don’t expect everything on a plate and quite prepared to muck in too. We had a leak in our bathroom recently I shouted out ‘quick there’s water everywhere’- he said what do you want me to do. The join in the pipe had fractured. I ended up googling how to replace the pipe, buying a pipe cutting tool and fixing it myself ( I was actually quite proud of myself) Whilst I want to be independent, be able to help out and do my share. I like being able to fix a leak, rewire a plug etc sometimes I’d like to be a little looked after too. Edited February 19, 2021 by Silverzebra Typing on mobile-equals typos 2
usa1ah Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 1 minute ago, Silverzebra said: Wow she’s is incredibly fortunate. I don’t expect everything on a plate and quite prepared to muck in too. We had a leak in our bathroom recently I shouted out quick there’s water everywhere- he said what do you want me to do. I ended up googling how to replace the pipe to the sink and doing it myself ( was actually quite proud of myself) Whilst I want to be independent, be able to help out and do my share. I like being able to fix a leak, rewire a plug etc sometimes I’d like to be a little looked after too. Great job!!!!
Allupinnit Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 OH for heaven's sake this guy whines about having to do the most basic of things like have a full -time job, keep things operational around the house and watch his own kid. After all these years of basically telling you to go eff yourself any time you make a reasonable demand of another human being, you think he's going to change? You need to watch yourself - you could be on the hook for alimony if you separate since he can't be bothered to support his own adult ass. 5
usa1ah Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 Back to the grind of work. you need someone in your life that is going to help you carry the burdens. That isn’t your husband. 1
Author Silverzebra Posted February 19, 2021 Author Posted February 19, 2021 1 minute ago, Allupinnit said: OH for heaven's sake this guy whines about having to do the most basic of things like have a full -time job, keep things operational around the house and watch his own kid. After all these years of basically telling you to go eff yourself any time you make a reasonable demand of another human being, you think he's going to change? You need to watch yourself - you could be on the hook for alimony if you separate since he can't be bothered to support his own adult ass. That’s a fair point actually. He has said (when he left before) that he’d give up work before paying me anything. I appreciate I’m incredibly frustrating. You’re all yelling for goodness sake, can you not see what’s in front of your face! Leave. I am worried about asking him to go and regretting it. Making the wrong choice. Being in a worse position than I am now. My daughter blaming me for his departure. I’m sad and feel like I’ve no strength to be ok
Wiseman2 Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 5 hours ago, Silverzebra said: when he raised divorce/separation he said since he would need to pay for his own place he wouldn’t have the funds to support our daughter or would give me some support for her but it would be sporadic. That's not how it works. He doesn't pay for his own apt and stiff his child out of support. He's gaslighting you. His wages get garnished and then if he has to rent a room in a flop house, oh well. He is Not your Attorney. He's gaslighting you. Get Legal advice. 2
Crazelnut Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 (edited) How could things possibly get any worse in your family?? You already ARE a single parent -- to TWO children. Yes, we're frustrated with you. You are investing everything into your house and marriage, and your husband is a BUM. He is utterly useless. How could you possibly regret getting rid of that horrible man?! Honestly, the more you tell us about him, the more WE want to go kick his azz. He treats you like crap. Why do you put up with that? Do you have poor self-esteem? You really need to talk to a therapist, who can help you realize that you & your child are worth more than this. Edited February 20, 2021 by Crazelnut 5
Author Silverzebra Posted February 20, 2021 Author Posted February 20, 2021 22 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: How could things possibly get any worse in your family?? You already ARE a single parent -- to TWO children. Yes, we're frustrated with you. You are investing everything into your house and marriage, and your husband is a BUM. He is utterly useless. How could you possibly regret getting rid of that horrible man?! Honestly, the more you tell us about him, the more WE want to go kick his azz. He treats you like crap. Why do you put up with that? Do you have poor self-esteem? You really need to talk to a therapist, who can help you realize that you & your child are worth more than this. Do I have self esteem issues... Absolutely! Objectively I can see that. i grew up with a father who pointed out every flaw along with some I didn’t know I had till he pointed them out. I was told no one would ever want me. But that’s another story I guess. I am worried about the ramifications of walking away from. Embarrassingly I am anxious, worried and a whole load of scared of being alone/going it alone. How will I manage. How will I support my daughter financially and emotionally. Is it the right thing. What if I screw up
basil67 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 Silverzebra, if you need reassurance, look at what you've managed so far. You've lovingly raised two kids and kept your whole family supported with not a speck of help from your husband. You've done so well! Cutting him loose should make your life easier without him to have to care for as well. 5
Author Silverzebra Posted February 20, 2021 Author Posted February 20, 2021 (edited) I wish it didn’t hurt so much. You know a clear ok he’s a complete and utter **** so wish him well and shut the door. A colleagues divorce came through only this week. She hadsuffered years of torment at the hands of her husband he was emotionally abusive and controlling. She caught him in their bedroom doing some kind or naked video call to an equally naked female - he left that night to go to the other woman and she started divorce proceedings. He’s begged, pleaded and been downright nasty when the pleading to return home didn’t work- the thing is she has already moved on less than a year after discovering the video call, she’s hooked up with someone else. Is in love and planning a future with this man. All power to her she seems so happy now and that’s genuinely lovely to see her smiling at work...but I can never imagine having someone else in my life, in my daughters life or actually meeting someone who might like me. Edited to add:- husbands walk with ‘friend from work’ is off.’ He has just shown me a letter he received today telling him he needs to shield until the end of March due to his health conditions. Edited February 20, 2021 by Silverzebra To add paragraph
basil67 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 Is a divorce and fresh start really going to hurt more than all the hurt he's already put on you? I remember when I divorced, it felt like the sun had come out for the first time in years. 4
Lotsgoingon Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 On 2/19/2021 at 2:31 PM, Silverzebra said: I feel Ive invested so much emotionally and physically into this. Almost like the sunk cost - happiness is just around the corner. What If I say enough is enough just as things are about to be ok. Silverzebra, I'm sorry. There is no payoff around the corner. There is only deeper and deeper sinking into the hole. Don't feel bad. You gave the relationship a chance. You do have problems with denial, though. The panic you have now is because you needed to be thinking about splitting from this guy years ago. You have been mistreating yourself, closing your eyes and just bearing the misery--that is no way to live. I'm sorry this is hitting you so suddenly. But that's because you've been hiding the reality, from others and from yourself. Look, you want to starting sharing the truth with friends. That coworker of yours shouldn't have been so shocked. Who do you trust that you can talk to? Relative? Girl friend? A really sane coworker who is discrete. We can only be in denial so long. We can only hold our breath under water for so long. We can only hold back the damn of reality so long. Denial is over. Yes you are overwhelmed, but find someone to talk to. First step. A minister, friend, whoever. Find someone ASAP so you can speak freely and think clearly. This breaks your isolation. Then get to a divorce attorney for free consultation. The divorce attorney will help you think about what you're going through. And I can read it in your writing that this is devastating. But you can get to the other side. Just know that right now, your brain is dulled for having put up with this nonsense and abuse for so long. You're used to freezing and just enduring. Well now you've got to take forward action and it's a shock. But this action is exactly what you need and exactly what will make you feel stronger and in reality become stronger! And let's be clear. Dysfunctional marriages are TERRIBLE for children. Anyway, first call support to get some support. This is an emergency. Tell people this is an emergency and they'll make time to meet you asap! 2
Veronica73 Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 This guy is acting like a grade A a**h***. It sounds like divorcing him would make your life easier. I’d rather be alone than be with somebody who treated me like crap and mooched off of me and couldn’t even bother to be there for his own daughter. 2
Crazelnut Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 How would you go it alone?? Girl, you already ARE! He is not a help; he's a hindrance. Right now. Free yourself from him so you and your kids can live your best lives. It will not get better, and you know it. If you divorce, the courts will make him provide financial support. Will you live a life of luxury? No. Will you survive? Yes. Divorce is stressful, but once things settle down. you'll be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner. 2
BaileyB Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 (edited) On 2/19/2021 at 5:20 AM, Silverzebra said: im working a later shift today and he was tapping away on his mobile phone in the kitchen. Then took a call and went outside. When he returned he said it was the friend from Work arranging a walk on Sunday?! He brought me a coffee it’s quite rare he would do so and maybe a hint he’s trying harder? No, he’s “making amends” because he just made plans to meet with another woman. Another who says you need to take your daughter and leave this man. There is no shame in making the decision to end the marriage, you’ve done more than your share. There is joy and peace to be found when you don’t have to deal with a deadbeat husband. I don’t think you realize how much... Edited February 21, 2021 by BaileyB 1
LynneVicious Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 I was scared to divorce too. I felt the same way you do. But I was a single mom in essence for years also - when I finally filed I was relieved! It was an anchor off my neck. The first few months after divorce i actually noticed I had MORE money instead of less - my ex was a mooch like yours. I think you’ll notice the same thing. as far as not picturing being with someone else - don’t think that far ahead right now. Just please dump your loser of a husband. The worst thing for your self esteem is staying with this man. You won’t mess up if you divorce. It’ll be a blessing if you can just gather up your lady nuts and do it! Girl, you can do it! Millions of women in your position have done it. Me included. Don’t waste any more time with him for yourself or your child. 3
Author Silverzebra Posted February 21, 2021 Author Posted February 21, 2021 Thank you all for your support and patience with me. I really appreciate your kindness and taking the time to respond to me. I went for a walk with my daughter today, whilst walking in the park saw families walking, laughing and talking, men pushing children on the swings and felt a pang in my chest. He never wanted to do this, sometimes he would but he didn’t really want to and I knew he did as it was ‘expected’ as a father. I always felt like the peace keeper, waiting watching in case something might go wrong. Further into the park we came to a grassed area, again what I assume was the father encouraging a child to ‘just keep pedalling’ Whilst he took some part in teaching our daughter to ride her bike- he was never really interested. He said because she wasn’t picking it up he just couldn’t do it, was losing his patience and ( he just does this face where I know he’s about to stomp off and then we all feel sad and upset). He never really wanted to do anything with her or us/ he did/does but it always felt he’d rather be anywhere else. when I arrived home I saw a news article about travel being allowed by summer- I felt sad that we might not have another family holiday again. Then I remembered every single family holiday I’ve paid for entirely, he never contributed a single penny. Always said he couldn’t afford to contribute/ I could go alone if didn’t want to pay for him. As I always wanted a family holiday, my daughter wanted him there of course I paid. Then I flipped back to sadness, why doesn’t he love me and her enough... why are we not enough. He asked my daughter to play a computer game with him this afternoon she lapped it up and was laughing and smiling- then I thought can I take the time she has with him from her. My siblings have amazing jobs, homes, cars, partners etc etc I feel such a failure that I’m such a screw up.
Author Silverzebra Posted February 21, 2021 Author Posted February 21, 2021 Someone mentioned downsizing our home. This isn’t an option since our home is already very small (only has 2 bedrooms). The cost of renting a 2 bed place is actually more than my current mortgage- so it wouldn't help financially. Although that said moving into somewhere that doesn’t need so much maintenance/remodelling doing to it would be a relief.
LynneVicious Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 When he is ordered by the courts to pay child support, he won’t have the option of ‘chipping in’. He’ll have to. please remember this: it’s better to be from a broken home than in one. Gather your strength and find a happy life you and your daughter deserve. 3
Author Silverzebra Posted May 25, 2021 Author Posted May 25, 2021 I wanted to add an update following my last post my husband had health complications and needed multiple surgeries. One unfortunately didn’t go as planned and he had one of the risks associated with the surgery. He has now recovered ( or as much as is possible it seems). Discussions were kinda put on hold whilst he has surgery/recovered and needed my support health recovery wise. We have settled back into this pattern of just cohabitation really. He has recently started meeting/talking to his friend from work again. A couple of days ago, I went into the kitchen to find he was on his mobile, I busied myself doing what I went in to do. I overheard the other end of the conversation- I assume he didnt know I could hear. The caller was was male who said will X( my name) let you out at the weekend? The man then said if you can get away I’ll pick you up and we shall go round to Betsy’s house Mary will be there again haha ( not real names just in case!). Husband said he’d check the schedule and confirm. Husband then immediately asked me if next weekend I’d mind if he went to a friends birthday party, rather than take our daughter to dance class. I said sure who’s birthday is it and where you off to. He named a name I’ve never heard and named a local restaurant. I appreciate this update is frustrating as I’m still stuck in the same place months down the line. I feel trapped I know I’m not but either way I get hurt.
Crazelnut Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 You're only trapped because you won't get the key out of pocket and unlock the door. 3 1
Author Silverzebra Posted May 26, 2021 Author Posted May 26, 2021 Yes youre right to a degree my husband was admitted for emergency surgery, he suffered a complication post surgery and needed others. He needed someone at home in order to be allowed discharge from the hospital. I didn’t feel I should or could say he couldn’t come home. From the humane point of view he needed someone at home to be allowed out and legally I cannot stop him entering his own home. Now he has recovered albeit not 100% I have to broach the subject of where we go from here
Wiseman2 Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 13 hours ago, Silverzebra said: I have to broach the subject of where we go from here That's ok. You don't need to discuss anything with him. Simply privately and confidentially consult an attorney about your options in divorce and how to proceed. Then and only then will you be appropriately informed to broach anything. Do not negotiate, do not threaten divorce. Simply make up your mind after you get the correct legal advice . In the meantime talk to trusted friends family therapists, etc. on how to extricate yourself. 2
Daisydooks Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 On 5/26/2021 at 7:21 PM, Silverzebra said: Yes youre right to a degree my husband was admitted for emergency surgery, he suffered a complication post surgery and needed others. He needed someone at home in order to be allowed discharge from the hospital. I didn’t feel I should or could say he couldn’t come home. From the humane point of view he needed someone at home to be allowed out and legally I cannot stop him entering his own home. Now he has recovered albeit not 100% I have to broach the subject of where we go from here Dear God! Let Betsy and Mary take care of his sorry ass if he needs a babysitter so badly. Jesus, woman! Come on, girl! Speak to a lawyer and line those ducks up. What more are you waiting for? Serve him with divorce papers... yesterday. Sell the house. He doesnt just get to live there while you pay the mortgage and rent another place. That's not how things work when you separate/divorce. If he cannot afford to buy you out, he has to legally sell it with you and you both take 50%/50% Legally, he doesnt have a choice. If he can afford to live in the family home and buy your half out, fine, let him. Then take your share. Divorce. Custody. Therapy. And finally, just be happy 1
Author Silverzebra Posted June 27, 2021 Author Posted June 27, 2021 I’m still a stupid mess. I know I need to be brave and strong but feel so weak and stupid. I’m still going to work but breaking apart inside. I feel nauseous and unwell most of the time. He keeps threatening to leave them says he’ll stay. Is having secret phone calls. I don’t think I’ve the strength to manage any of this alone. One minute I think I’d be ok the next that I can’t cope sorry this is a rambling mess.
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