MrPolite Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 (edited) I have been seeing someone for around 5 years and we get on great. However she is very emotional and needy to say the least. She lives on her own and I live away in my house, with a distance apart of around 80 miles. I stayed with her for a week on week off, etc due to my work. We are both 48 and divorced. With the lockdown and everything that went with it, we have been apart but the constant reminders of why we are apart is getting too much and overpowering. She lives in probably not the greatest area, and keeps forcing me to move in. This is fine but my work has taken off and after a period of nothing, i dont want to blow it, so I am currently working at my home. All I get is constantly why I am not there, theres nothing to do etc, and laying it on thick really putting pressure on me saying she is depressed, life not worth living, going back to bed. She has no other hobbies only thinking about me and why im not there, and why its all my fault! Admittedly, she sits there with phone in hand, texting me every hour sitting staring at the walls, just finding the next thing to text me about that is my fault (without saying it) which wouldn't happen if i was there. I am very understanding and have put up with tantrums and a lot, but its starting to get to me now, and even with putting some things into place behind closed doors, she still is mentioning it everyday, as in her life is depressing and dull, and nothing worth living for, so basically her life is all my fault for being like this. Its starting to get to me now, and she has tried to end the relationship (many many times) in order for me to come running but it doesn't wash with me. I get texts 'playing the victim' to make me feel really bad. I feel bad too, but just get on with what's currently happening and can see past this. Lockdown and the pandemic hasn't helped but i have tried to work from hers and seen her as much as possible without breaking the law but I still get blamed for everything wrong and why i am not there? I don't know how to explain it really, but this is doing the opposite and putting me off, if she can be like this! What can I say or do, when it isn't anything i can do in a lockdown, how do i stop this silly talk and constant berating me for not being there? She even has her friends having a go now, and getting them involved on her side, as she's teling them her side of the story?? How would you play this and respond to the texts in order for them to stop, as its not helping anyone in this relationship. Edited February 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 I would tell her good morning. Tell her it's a busy day for me so I will talk to her next at night. Block her number for the day. That's the easy solution. Was she like this before covid hit?
Author MrPolite Posted February 14, 2021 Author Posted February 14, 2021 Yes she was, but Covid made it worse. I have actually muted her number until the end of the day somedays just so I can get some work done (she works at home too) I do have to tell her to stop and put the phone down before just sending text messages out to me, and then almost 'running away' from any reply from me, so its something for me to think about, and i can't really respond!
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 So we understand the context better here. There was never any plans to close the distance between you the past 5 years? Are you still in love (were you ever in love with her) and wanting a future with her?
smackie9 Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 I think after 5 years, like any woman would, is pushing the issue that it's time to take the next step and live together, then marriage. Have you two even discussed this proper with goals and timelines???? You had 5 years to work out a plan. 4 1
Watercolors Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 (edited) I have to wonder why you have chosen to endure this clingy behavior from your semi-long distant g/f for five years. After a few months of that type of codependent behavior on her part, you could have easily ended the relationship with her. Why didn't you? Why have you chosen to stay in what you deem to be a toxic relationship for yourself for this long? The answer to your situation is really simple: just break up with her. Edited February 14, 2021 by Watercolors
Maldives Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) I think she's pushing for the next step that's why she's being like that as in commitment wise [edited]. Really she wants a commitment from you after five yrs Edited February 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed gender stereotyping
dramafreezone Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 (edited) I think the most alarming part is the depression and the lack of hobbies or interests outside of you. Any well rounded person in a relationship needs to have other things besides the other person that give them vitality and purpose. It's honestly not going to make a difference if you move in, get married, have kids, do the whole song and dance. None of that is going to fill this void she has. She needs psychological help. I hope you don't fall into this trap of thinking that it's your job to fix her or that you even can fix her. Being her support is great but she needs to get help. Edited February 17, 2021 by dramafreezone
ShyViolet Posted February 17, 2021 Posted February 17, 2021 On 2/14/2021 at 8:36 AM, MrPolite said: Its starting to get to me now, and she has tried to end the relationship (many many times) in order for me to come running but it doesn't wash with me. Why don't you let her end it then? If this relationship is really as bad as you make it sound, why are you putting up with this? 1
spiderowl Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 I don't understand why you are not ending this relationship when she has said she is. You don't appear to be enjoying it and she is unhappy. Why do you assume she is threatening to end the relationship just to manipulate you? Maybe she really does want it to end. There seems little point continuing in a relationship that makes you mad and leaves her unhappy. 1
Calmandfocused Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 You come across as if you are powerless in this. You are not. Why do you endure this relationship that is making you miserable? It sounds like more than hard work to me, it sounds like torture! Are you co dependant on this woman? Bottom line, there is no future. There is no chance that you will choose to endure this behaviour day in, day out. Do the right thing for your own mental health, then once it’s done, block her. Yes it will hurt but my sense is that you’ll be flooded with a much stronger emotion: Relief!!!
Fletch Lives Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 On 2/14/2021 at 10:21 AM, smackie9 said: I think after 5 years, like any woman would, is pushing the issue that it's time to take the next step and live together, then marriage. Have you two even discussed this proper with goals and timelines???? You had 5 years to work out a plan. Bingo. You might not want to take a woman for granted who loves you and would do anything for you. See if you can spend a little more time with her, or move in and get married and see if that cures the problem.
smackie9 Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: see if that cures the problem. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 Five years is a long time for a woman to wait. Was she like this the first couple of years you dated her? Your R has gotten to the point where, at the very least, you've both developed bad habits, IMO. Her being codependent on you and you resenting her. You've kind of set yourself up for failure by letting things go on this long. She needs other outlets for her interests besides you and you need to realize when people are in love they naturally (most of the time, there are exceptions that work well) want to live together. Either get some counseling together as to how to get things into a healthy place in your R so you can marry or break up. 1
Interstellar Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 You live 80 miles, so about an hour drive and you’ve been dating for 5 years. If there’s no red flags you should’ve married her after 2 years. Let the poor girl go and stop wasting her time, it’s over 3 years ago.
basil67 Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 On 2/15/2021 at 12:36 AM, MrPolite said: she has tried to end the relationship (many many times) in order for me to come running but it doesn't wash with me. If she's tried to end the relationship many times, why didn't you simply agree that the relationship is broken and let her go?
Fletch Lives Posted February 20, 2021 Posted February 20, 2021 17 hours ago, smackie9 said: Why you laugh? I'm a gonna spank you! Wait...you might like dat
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