How do I confront guy he's playing me/leading me on?

[faithandfood]

So I’m 22. I met this 25 yr old guy in November. We hit off instantly. Since then, we’ve talked every day and all day. We’ve had four major dates and I’ve been over his about five times.

This was the first time in a while a guy actually took me out and didn’t expect sex. I tried to keep it friendly at first as a way to not get hurt again.

We kissed on the second date and from there, my feelings grow. He fit two of my love languages, which were quality time and acts of service.

Red flags: we follow each other on all socials besides Twitter. He was hesitant about me following him. I didn’t follow him but kept an eye on it to see what he was hiding.

Next about three weeks ago, he didn’t tell me he smoked with two of his girl friends that came over. Mind you, we talked all day that day. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he knows I don’t smoke. I kept asking if he did anything with the girls and he said no. It was bothering me to the point I asked to talk about it on the phone and I asked him if he planned to talk to anyone else. He said he didn’t care too as he only wants to talk to me.

Okay cool.

The next day on Twitter I saw how he posted: “I’m disgusted at myself, where do I even start? Men are trash. No devils are needed in this house”.

Again, this just reaffirmed my idea he did something with either of those girls.

I let it go.

The next yellow flag is he doesn’t ask me questions about my past. Like I asked him twice if he had any questions for me and he said no.

I let that go as I thought maybe it would come with time.

Third red flag is I saw on his Twitter how he posted: “so I typed a text out to a girl I used to see...” I was confused. I asked my friends if I should confront as I was scared because I didn’t follow him on Twitter. They told me too, but I didn’t.

My mother and sister know about him. And he mentioned that he told his brothers about me. As it’s going to be three months next week, I asked last week what he was looking for because I expected him to ask me out by now. He said “a smart, funny, Christian African beaut. I found a person whomst I don’t get tired talking to and seeing. And I found a person whomst I would definitely like to get to know and grow with more”.

He didn’t even hint at something serious or so.

So the final red flag was he didn’t mention Valentine’s at all this week.

I was like okay, maybe he will surprise me.

I got a gift for him and was excited as this would be my first Valentine’s in four years.

I checked his Twitter to see maybe if he was planning something and I found the opposite. He tweeted “On Feb 15th, I can’t wait to shoot my shot.” One of his friends responded and he then replied “yeah man I’m gonna be dirty macking all day, I won’t be stopped”. He then tweeted how he wants to get know some girls more.

He’s also been reposting certain girls on his page.

This really hurt me.

I haven’t confronted him, but I started to reply slower and also put a snap that I’m not stupid as guys think I am on Thursday. He hasn’t asked what was wrong nor called me. After seeing my snap, he posted a meme video on his Twitter that said “ha you caught me. You caught me red handed”, and took almost 14 hours to reply to me.

I haven’t responded as this is our first time going a day without talking to each other.

I’m so sorry it’s long.

How do I confront him that I’ve been seeing what he’s been posting? I don’t follow him so I’m worried.

Thank you.

Edited February 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and formatting

[Gaeta]

Sweetie a smart, funny, Christian African beauty like you would not dirty her hands confronting him. She would block, delete him and walk away with her chin up and her pride intact. 

Unfortunately you were not dating a man, you were dating a boy. Lots of those out there, you have to drop them much faster. Three months and 5 dates that's not a relationship + everything else he's done, it's someone wasting your time. 

Edited February 13, 2021 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

What is there to confront? He's a dirty dog, block/delete.

[basil67]

I agree.  Don't lower yourself to confronting him - just block him and walk away.

[ShyViolet]

What would be the point of confronting him?  Honestly, what would that accomplish?  You know he's a player and he's not that into you.  So just move on.

[elaine567]

20 hours ago, faithandfood said:

I let it go

Seems to be your go to phrase.
As a young woman, your job is not to put up with all sorts of nonsense from men, your job is to ultimately find a good man who will show you a good time and who will make you happy.
A man who adds to your life, not a man who takes away from it and leaves you feeling less than and miserable.
If he is making you insecure and anxious then ditch him right away it will NOT get better, it is not your job to make it better, these things just get worse.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, you’re treating this like a relationship, but it’s not a relationship. 

4 dates isn’t the sign that you two are an item and I don’t see where he indicated that he wants to take this further. His behaviour makes it clear that he doesn’t, and that’s probably a good thing. He sounds immature and like a wannabe Lethario. 

I agree with the others. There’s no point confronting this guy. You have all the information you need to know that he’s not the one for you and isn’t placing himself on hold for you. You seem like a lovely young lady with a big heart - save it for someone who reciprocates. 

[Wiseman2]

Just end things. You don't like what you see or what is happening and that's what dating is about.

Simply tell him it's not working out then delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

[mortensorchid]

I was with a player years ago - we were starting up a new relationship and then the day after we did IT for the first time I got a message from him (it was during the MySpace days).  He said he was going to see his old gf that day, he was/is confused and hopes that I we will be friends still.  Needless to say I never spoke a word to him again, he never reached out to me again either, and I don't even remember his last name anymore.  I wonder if he remembers mine, let alone my first name.  

Move on.

[BaileyB]

For what purpose would you confront this man? Do you expect him to say, “You are right. I’m sorry. I will do better.” That’s unlikely. He’s made his choice, it’s his life and he’s unlikely to change for a woman he has been out with four times. If you don’t like it, you can vote with your feet.

Leave this man to his smoking and his friends and go find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. 

Edited February 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

At the very beginning of any relationship, you don't confront anybody.  If they engage in behavior that makes you want to confront them you accept that is who they are & you walk away.  

As for Valentine's Day or any other holiday, you communicate.  You talk about what your expectations are so you are not disappointed.   When you are one sided you end up with the Valentine's gifts you were hoping to give the guy you thought was your new BF only to realize you have to dump his lying butt instead.  

[kendahke]

On 2/13/2021 at 9:53 AM, faithandfood said:

As it’s going to be three months next week,

Yeah, you're at the point where weak foundation relationships begin to fail. The real him and the real you are coming to the fore... and the real him isn't done with chicks in his past.  Right now, you're one of a number.  He tells you what you want to hear to get you off his back in the moment and keep the hook in your cheek, but at the end of the day, he's going to do what he wants to do and is going to out himself on Twitter about it. There was a reason why he didn't want you following him everywhere he goes--and in some respects, he's entitled to that policy. If it doesn't work for you, you need to bounce.

Perhaps twitter is his confessional?  Who knows, but you need to really, and I mean REALLY, dial back your expectations with this guy.  He's not into devotion towards you, whereas you already got your zip code there.

One thing that is glaringly missing from your post: "we had a talk about exclusivity/commitment and agreed that that's the direction we both want to take.  His retort to you when you confront him is "I never said I was your man/I wanted that kind of a relationship with you. I just thought we'd kiki and chill and s***..."

It looks like a lot of this was only real in your imagination/fantasy, not in reality. Yes, you had a conversation, but that was too nebulous and he didn't declare anything to you==most likely because he was saying what he needed to say to keep you in the bullpen, cooling your heels not talking to other men.

Valentine's Day is the day every new couple realizes the truth about their relationship.

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How do I confront him that I’ve been seeing what he’s been posting?

You don't. You evaporate--cut him loose and set him adrift. He's showing you he doesn't want to be with you like you want to be with him, so give him that. Why sully your dignity telling a grown man that he should have more consideration for you? That's a waste of time--pearls before swine level. He'll only enjoy the performance.

There are men out there who will not need to be cajoled, confronted, cried to, etc., into opening up a can of "act right". He ain't that one, sis. Maintain your dignity. Throw him back. At least you found out in 3 months time and not 13 years/a mortgage/4 kids/needing the state to sort out the disaster later.

You dont owe him anything, the least of which is an audience to listen to more of his BS.

Edited February 14, 2021 by kendahke