Starry_eyed Posted February 13, 2021 Posted February 13, 2021 (edited) Hi there, I finished university 9 years ago and 'knew' a guy who was studying there. I didn't know him that well, I occasionally saw him around campus and would say hi. Had the odd chat here and there. I don't use my Facebook much if at all and he messaged me a few days ago asking how I was. It was random but I thought it was a nice, one-off reach out after so long to say hello. I said I was good and asked how he was. In the next message he said he was wondering, after we get our freedom back again, whether I would like to go out sometime. It's a bit unexpected and I'm trying not to start overthinking it but I'm not sure what to say. Firstly, for all I know, he could just be meaning it in a friendly way maybe...just seems very random. For all he knows, I could be in New York and him in London. Has anyone ever had this, not with a stranger but someone you briefly knew in the past? Any thoughts? I don't think I can say yes or no given the constantly changing world we are in at the moment, and I'm also a bit thrown off by it. I can't really remember much about him other than he seemed very intelligent and polite. Edited February 13, 2021 by Starry_eyed
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2021 Posted February 13, 2021 (edited) You are making a big deal out of nothing. Ask him where he's located if his FB doesn't say so, what he's been up to the last 9 years, catch up a bit. I doubt he expects you to fly from UK to NY for a coffee. If it turns out he's married then decline the invite. Edited February 13, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Ami1uwant Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 Don’t over analyze this. just talk and see how it goes. Do you two still have any common friends? 1
ShyViolet Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 This makes me wonder if maybe he just got out of a relationship and he's lonely. So he's looking for people to connect with. 3
Author Starry_eyed Posted February 14, 2021 Author Posted February 14, 2021 (edited) Thanks for your thoughts! Yeah, I'm trying not to analyse but I would like to know where it came from because it is random. We don't have any mutual friends just a couple of guys he fleetingly knew, who I dated. Thinking about some of my past makes me cringe I also considered that @ShyViolet, could be! I messaged him to say we could do and what led him to ask. I also asked what he has been up to to dilute the message a bit! Edited February 14, 2021 by Starry_eyed 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 Whenever an old flame contacts you out of nowhere, it's because of them, not you. Unfortunately backtracking through the contact list is common after someone gets dumped. He may not tell you that right away but do your homework on this.
Author Starry_eyed Posted February 14, 2021 Author Posted February 14, 2021 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Whenever an old flame contacts you out of nowhere, it's because of them, not you. Unfortunately backtracking through the contact list is common after someone gets dumped. He may not tell you that right away but do your homework on this. There's no romantic history between us! But yeah, it's a good point. In response to my 'what led you to ask?' he just said because he thinks I'm beautiful and lovely and would love to get to know me better'. He didn't ask me a question about me, there was an easy opportunity to reciprocate my question to him and ask what I'm up to these days. It all feels odd, I'm indifferent at this stage and don't feel negative towards him but I might not be replying... 1
BaileyB Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Whenever an old flame contacts you out of nowhere, it's because of them, not you. Unfortunately backtracking through the contact list is common after someone gets dumped. Yup! He’s frustrated and bored, recently been dumped, having difficulty finding a date, trying to get something going in life... I’ve done it - I’m not dating anyone... who do I know? You start to look back, as there is some security and a shared history that somehow feels appealing at the time. I would agree, it is usually because of them, not necessarily you. 1
Alpacalia Posted February 14, 2021 Posted February 14, 2021 I don't see anything wrong with it on the basis of what you've posted. Stay positive, light contact, and I wouldn't be too concerned about the reason for it, just pace it and keep things light-hearted, more friendly in nature at this juncture.
Author Starry_eyed Posted February 15, 2021 Author Posted February 15, 2021 I like that approach @Alpaca but there is this niggling feeling at the back of my mind. To make a move out of nowhere and not ask questions like what I've been up to over the years seems random, perhaps contradictory, and I can't help but feel suspicious. My bet is that he is emotionally unavailable and trying to find a distraction from something. No harsh judgement from me, he was always polite when I knew him but I'm going to trust my gut and leave it this time! I just feel bad about essentially 'ghosting' someone I knew in real life, not sure how else to shut it down. Thanks all! 1
Acacia98 Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said: I like that approach @Alpaca but there is this niggling feeling at the back of my mind. To make a move out of nowhere and not ask questions like what I've been up to over the years seems random, perhaps contradictory, and I can't help but feel suspicious. My bet is that he is emotionally unavailable and trying to find a distraction from something. No harsh judgement from me, he was always polite when I knew him but I'm going to trust my gut and leave it this time! I just feel bad about essentially 'ghosting' someone I knew in real life, not sure how else to shut it down. Thanks all! I would find it weird too. To move from an out-of-the-blue "hi" message to asking you out and declaring you're beautiful via text... No, thank you. You didn't date all those years ago. He doesn't know what's happened to you since (and is seemingly uninterested). And this is all happening via text... Edited February 16, 2021 by Acacia98
Alpacalia Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 18 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said: I like that approach @Alpaca but there is this niggling feeling at the back of my mind. To make a move out of nowhere and not ask questions like what I've been up to over the years seems random, perhaps contradictory, and I can't help but feel suspicious. My bet is that he is emotionally unavailable and trying to find a distraction from something. No harsh judgement from me, he was always polite when I knew him but I'm going to trust my gut and leave it this time! I just feel bad about essentially 'ghosting' someone I knew in real life, not sure how else to shut it down. Thanks all! True. Yes, go with your gut then.
HiCrunchy Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 I mean maybe he is trying to make new friends. I've had people reach out to me from the past, bc this pandemic has really made people suffer emotionally. A lot of people are just hoping for some human connection, so old acquaintances is always a good start! Don't read too much into anything.
Alpacalia Posted February 16, 2021 Posted February 16, 2021 6 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said: I mean maybe he is trying to make new friends. I've had people reach out to me from the past, bc this pandemic has really made people suffer emotionally. A lot of people are just hoping for some human connection, so old acquaintances is always a good start! Don't read too much into anything. I tend to agree with you but I think her spidery senses are going off because he was coming on a bit strong right out of the gate.
Author Starry_eyed Posted February 21, 2021 Author Posted February 21, 2021 (edited) So update, bit of a switch in events After I didn't reply he messaged saying sorry if it came across as a surprise. I left it for a few days because I didn't know what to say and then replied that it was out of the blue, I thought something else was going on but didn't want to pry. He said sorry again and asked me where I would like to explore in my city. I replied saying in a 'light' kind of way that I thought he had a serious gf and asked him his question back. He said he did have a gf but the relationship ended. No further elaboration but I do think it would have been a bit heavy to go down that road a few comments in. He asked me if I would like to visit a museum with him in the city when we have more freedom again. I said we 'could' but I couldn't see it in a romantic way because I knew him a little from a long time ago, lets just go as friends and see. He said he'd like that very much and we've left it there! I still think it's a bit odd but I'm keeping an open mind. If he never contacts me that's okay but if he does then I'm up for a friendly, fun day out! Edited February 21, 2021 by Starry_eyed 1
mortensorchid Posted February 21, 2021 Posted February 21, 2021 Facebook was/is famous for this - people from the past (old bfs/gfs, friends, etc.) looking up each other and catching up with one another. Go on, take a chance and just have some friendly chat with him to update as to what you've been doing since last you saw each other.
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