Having seconds thoughts of getting married with gf(28F) me (34M)

[j4sonxp]

Hi I posted this in reddit but didnt get much feedback, was hoping if anyone had more inight.

 

TLDR: Been with girlfriend for 5 years (now engagaed and we decided to get married at the end of this year). Now having seconds thoughts due to issues we currently experience (money, sexless relationship, opposite personalities), but have swept it under the rug until now. Are these issues something we can overcome? or are not compatible for each other. 

 

 

Hi a little background....My gf and I met back in 2015, she was living in the Los Angeles area at the time and I was living in the bay area. after about a year of long-distance dating she eventually moved up to live with me. we got engaged in dec 2019, but due to covid we didnt start planning our wedding until near end of 2020 and we finally found a venue and put a deposit down for this year November. She is actually the first long term relationship I've had (i dated a girl for 2 years back in highschool), but she has had 2 long term relationships before me.

We just broke up yesterday after a fight (I wanted the breakup), and I wanted to get unbiased perspective if my soon to be marriage is worth saving. Throughout the years, I've always had some doubts / red flags and I don't want to get married and eventually get divorced down the line. However cause I am an easy going, naive, first time relationship I wasn't sure if its me or is there really an issue. We do not openly talk about our problems to anyone else , so this is the first time ever I have opened up about this to anyone else.

Money - I was never good with my finances and before I met her I only had a few thousand in my checking. No investments, just a 401k. I was partying and wasting alot of money on hobbies. However once we met she pushed to me to get a better paying job and learned how to properly save. I am in a better state financially then before, but I've always felt that she's has been trying to take advantage of me, because she is really stingy/cautious with her money. Many things I would like to buy (games,hobbies,etc) she is strongly against because those things do not benefit our future. In the beginning I was ok with paying for everything since I was making more then her and "men are supposed to pay" ..and to do this day I still do. CC,bills, mortgage for my home are covered by me. She has good paying job (100k), her parents pay half of her car lease, she has no student debts. she was able to bought a rental property and is in the process of buying a 2nd one. Our current fights are mostly now about how I do not pull my weight in this relationship and she has to work on her side hustle so she can provide a better future for the both of us.

Personalities - Her and I could not be any more different. I am more introverted while she is extroverted. We do not have interest in the majority of the movies/shows we watch, I love to eat but shes doesnt, and is quite picky with her food. I however do not mind watching her shows or eating what she wants because i know its something she wants. Would be nice if she enjoyed some of my interests with me. I've always been a giving kind of person(also naive) and sometime this has lead to people taking advantage of me. She always grew up to watch out for herself (her dad passed away when she was young and her mother wasnt alwasy there for her), so she always had this "selfish" side, although she claims its because she was an only child. She is a very ambitious person especially now so more then ever. She loves reading, learning about real estate, investing in stock, and just finding ways to make money. I however do not have that motivation/ambition at all and its something both my mother and her have always pushed to improve on. I actually do most of the chores around the home, I have taken up cooking during the pandemic, she does clean the dishes afterwards.

Intimacy - Our first year we were alot more intimate and having sex everytime we would see each other. However after she had moved up and we started living together...my sex drive had plummeted and I had no urge. I would say we only had sex less then 10 times in the past 3 years. I think part of is that we do not sleep in the same bed and has been like this since the beginning. (only vacation we do) I am a big snorer and she is a lightsleeper. Even when she moved up she had her own room in the home. we tried addressing my snoring but the only solution that worked was using the CPAP snoring machine. It was very uncomfortable to wear and I ended up just sleeping on the living room couch every night. When we moved back to my new remodeled home we decided to have separate rooms. Everyday now consists of getting up, going to work, after 6 we go to her bedroom to watch tv,look at our phones, until she gets tired and fall asleep. afterwards I would leave to go to my room and play video games and sleep there.

Our recent fight was mainly about I was being stressed out with all the chores I have been trying to do + with normal work. But she doesnt think it has merit, because she still sees me take breaks to play video games or that I always procrastinate on task that I need to do, and shes here waking up every morning to do her job and doing her side hustles. So my reasoning for the breakup was because I was just fed up cause I felt like she doesnt understand the amount I contribute to this relationship. What do you guys think? Is this something we can improve? I have tried to be more goal oriented but it never falls through after awhile. Are we just not compatible? or can we make this work?

[usa1ah]

I think the breakup is beat then getting married. 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, j4sonxp said:

 Are we just not compatible? or can we make this work?

A relationship is ultimately a choice. Many people choose to stay in bad or unsatisfying relationships and many choose to leave ones that are essentially fine and even really great.

So you could indeed MAKE it work. The question is SHOULD you.

If things aren't going well now, staying together longer isn't likely to improve them without a substantial and committed effort, as well as flexibility, reasonableness, and mutual respect.

Sleeping in separate rooms isn't a big deal IMO since there's a valid reason here. However, the lack of intimacy IS (absent something like health issues driving it).

People change over time, but if you feel you're genuinely incompatible in fundamental ways, trying to force change in a specific direction (towards greater mutual compatibility), while possible, has a low probability of success.

Overall I'd say you need to ask yourself what's keeping you in the relationship. If it's "sunken costs", fear of being alone, and hope for improvement in something that's genuinely bad right now, well - I think you can assess that for yourself. The flip side is that couples can and do turn things around. Happens all the time - but it takes genuine commitment from both of you and genuine "work". IF you go that route, couples counseling would probably be a good idea as it sometime helps to have a "referee". Look for one with many years of experience who genuinely focuses in couple's issues/couples therapy.

Edited February 13, 2021 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

Clearly, you and she getting married anytime soon is not just a bad idea. Getting married, without working out these issues, is a TERRIBLE idea. Awful idea. Dumb idea. Ridiculous idea.

Quit all this self-doubting. A relationship works for us, as we are, flaws and all. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy, period. 

Both of you guys sound emotionally immature to me. Both of you lack the key skill of marriage: how to take care of your own needs while loving the other person and working to compromise on their needs. All compromises need to work for both of you and not reluctantly either.

You guys simply aren't ready to get married. Sounds like you both need to break up and go date other people and start learning how to be in relationship. 

You marry only when you are fantastically excited to marry the person. You marry only when you and the other person have worked out compromises and arrangements that bring joy to both of you You marry because you and your partner have had practice and success with working through conflict. You marry only when you're in a relationship where you can fully speak your mind. You sound like you have stifled half the thoughts and feelings you're having with this woman. 

You're not close to being ready to get married personally, and you guys as a couple would simply create misery for each other. Problems intensify after marriage--yes, unresolved problems get worse, not better. Marriage does not solve a couple's problems. Don't fall for that.