My girlfriend won't be end her relationship with her sexually abusive father

[iAMconcerned18]

Her previous relationships ended for various reasons. The one before me ended because she wanted to marry the guy but he wasn’t ready so she broke up with him.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

I think I’m gonna leave her. That’s what needs to be done!

Before you make a major life decision, would you consider talking to someone who knows more about sexual abuse and how it manifests in relationships? I’m just wondering if you would benefit from counselling before you decide to end a three year relationship. 

Don’t get me wrong - I too think you are in deep with the trauma here and I don’t know that you understand or can deal with - without professional assistance. The question for me would be, do I get some professional assistance with hope that I can make this better... or, do I say this is too involved and I don’t want to deal with this. That is for you to decide.

Whats happening now can’t continue though, it’s not healthy for you or her.

Edited February 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[iAMconcerned18]

@BaileyBYes I would consider going talking to professionals.  I want to understand her better. 

[Gaeta]

It's not because you know why she blows up at you that it's ok she does. You already know why she blows up and why she is over-sexual. 

She's the one that needs therapy. 

ETA: Rest assured this was an issue in everyone of her relationships, and it will continue to be an issue for as long as she doesn't reach for professional help.

Edited February 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She's the one that needs therapy. 

They both need therapy, if they are going to stay together. 

OP, learning a little more may help you to decide if you want to stay or leave. But note, if things stay the same I think your best course of action is to leave. These are big, long standing personal and family issues for this woman and her family... It will take a serious commitment for her to resolve these issues and have a healthy relationship with a man. 

[Crazelnut]

Has she had therapy?

[kgcolonel]

Your story really hits home with me.  My wife of 38 years was abused (emotionally and physically and I suspect sexually but never revealed) by her father.  Here is  the thing I can tell you to expect long term with your gf.  She will always have a skewed perspective of her father.  She will always seek ways to gain her father's acceptance.  I have seen this in my  wife even after many years of therapy and counseling.  Abuse IMO is not curable, one can learn to manage it but it is critical that you know now, what you are signing up for.  I did not know this when i married my wife.  I probably would have thought more about it than I did at the time.  I am urging you to understand that this is a lifetime condition, not something that will go away.  

BTW, my wife's father ended up shooting his common-law wife and then himself a few years back...the illness that causes a person to abuse their family does not go away.  My wife when asked will still recall the "great" father he was...ignoring the abuse he dealt her, her sister and their mother.

 

Think carefully,

[iAMconcerned18]

@kgcolonelThank you! I appreciate your reply. I definitely have much to think about. I know she is severely damaged. I know her wounds are permanent and no amount of counseling or therapy can take her pain away. She has to learn how to cope. She has to believe in herself and not let the abuse paralyze her. I want her to get the help she needs to learn how to cope with the effects of the abuse. If we don’t stay together, the least I can do is be supportive from a distance.

[iAMconcerned18]

@CrazelnutYes she has gone to therapy multiple times but she doesn’t stick to it. 

[kendahke]

On 2/11/2021 at 12:12 PM, iAMconcerned18 said:

What can I do to maintain a somewhat normal relationship with her without compromising my own integrity?

You're dealing with a very broken person... there is no normal here. Come to terms with that first.

You're going to have to compromise your integrity to be with her.  Come to terms with that second.

She needs a therapist/psychiatrist more than she needs a boyfriend.

It's time for you to look at "what is" and quit pining for "what you wished would be".

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, two issues here.

One is the way your gf is with you. It's often best to stay there and not look for ultimate causes. We get in all kinds of trouble when we assume there is a cause that can be fixed. Instead, it's usually better to just ruthlessly ask the question: Does she treat well or not? Do you feel comfortable and happy with her or not?

The other issue is her abuse history with her family and her own healing journey. Don't get lost here. It's up to her to make good decisions about her health and wellbeing. If you find her decisions reckless, that's a problem, that goes into the mix of her being the right kind of partner for you.

Sounds like what REALLY bothers you about her revising the relationship with her father is that without contact with him, she's not the partner you want. You're stretching and straining to deal with her as she is. So when you imagine her adding her father to mix, you think, there is no way you will be able to tolerate her. 

Another angle is to say: do you trust her to make the kinds of decisions that will allow her to be the kind of woman you want to be with? Sounds like the answer is no. 

[iAMconcerned18]

@LotsgoingonYes you are correct. It’s sickens me that she keeps this monster in her life. Her decision to do so affects our relationship. She gets mean with me when I try to reason with her and she treats me poorly.

[basil67]

43 minutes ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

It’s sickens me that she keeps this monster in her life. Her decision to do so affects our relationship. She gets mean with me when I try to reason with her and she treats me poorly.

Yes.  I'm going to bet that she accuses you of controlling her...and while your heart is in the right place, she has a point.  This must be a decision she makes in her own time.   You can't logic your way though this with her.  

Edited February 13, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

@LotsgoingonYes you are correct. It’s sickens me that she keeps this monster in her life. Her decision to do so affects our relationship. She gets mean with me when I try to reason with her and she treats me poorly.

She has boundaries and tells you off when you try to control her, run her life, think that you know better, tell her who she can,/can't be in touch with etc.

Your hatred is your problem not hers. You try to make it hers.

Leave her alone. You're doing much more harm than good. Sadly she picked a controlling guy... like her father.

[iAMconcerned18]

@Wiseman2 Whoa dude! I’m not trying to control her. I don’t tell her who she can and cannot be with or what she can and cannot do! I’m simply seeking advice on how to deal with her while I have my own feelings towards her relationship with her father. You’re most likely right. I should leave her alone. But not because I’m the one that is doing more harm than good. 

[Gaeta]

Do you go with her when she visits her father?

[elaine567]

This is a complicated situation and whilst the simple solution is for her to cut him off and never speak to him again, I guess that may have unforeseen consequences...

[iAMconcerned18]

@GaetaNo I will never go with her to visit her father. Never have even met him. 

[smackie9]

The one that gets abused can turn into an abuser/another type of abuser themselves as a way to cope with what happened to them. PTSD? possible. I know someone that was abused in her household growing up. She has turned her back on therapy a few times. At times when my friend doesn't hear what she wants to hear, you get face palmed, and refuses discussion. Some people are able to release that pain bravely, some just can't. I don't think it's the therapists fault or lack of ability in these cases, it's the attitude that they want a quick fix, and not have to deal with all those emotions that are just too much. They think they are protecting themselves from further harm, but they are not seeing the carnage that it's creating in their relationships.

Edited February 14, 2021 by smackie9

[iAMconcerned18]

@smackie9Exactly! That’s what my girlfriend does. She blocks it and she even says that the her friend who was abused by her father has done worse things to her than what my girlfriend’s father did. She tries to convince herself that the abuse doesn’t affect her but it does! I see it in our relationship. She’s all over the place with her emotions. I understand that she is broken and I accept her that way. I’m not judging her. I want her to cope with this trauma in a better way but that’s up to her. I do not want to control her and tell what she should or should not do. It’s just that her relationship with her father sickens me to the core! She definitely has Stockholm syndrome but I think I might have the white knight syndrome. I know I can’t fix her but I wish I could.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

 She tries to convince herself that the abuse doesn’t affect her but it does! I see it in our relationship. She’s all over the place with her emotions. 

Stop trying to fix her, it's controlling. Should she be in touch with him? No. But you are trying to fix her and control her. You're not a psychologist so you have no idea whether this would improve anything.

[smackie9]

So now you are at an impasse, No matter what, you can't win, and for your own mental health, you should leave this relationship. It's causing you more harm than you think. Accepting and staying with her is only enabling her behavior and her lack of account ability. This isn't healthy for either one of you.

[iAMconcerned18]

@Wiseman2Im not trying to control her! I said it before.You’re not understanding me at all. I don’t control my girlfriend nor do I want to. I want her to be her own person and I want her to make her own decisions. 
 

Look dude, if you can’t understand my explanations and what my end goal is when I decided to post my story on here then at this point I really don’t value anymore of your input. So I would appreciate it if you just don’t reply to me on here anymore ok? We can agree to disagree.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

Look dude, if you can’t understand my explanations and what my end goal is when I decided to post my story on here then at this point I really don’t value anymore of your input. So I would appreciate it if you just don’t reply to me on here anymore ok? We can agree to disagree.

You can go to your profile and then add a user to your "ignored users" list. 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

 

Look dude, if you can’t understand my explanations and what my end goal is when I decided to post my story on here then at this point I really don’t value anymore of your input. So I would appreciate it if you just don’t reply to me on here anymore ok? We can agree to disagree.

You don't get to post your question on a public advice forum and then tell someone not to reply anymore when you don't like the advice they've given.  Maybe it's striking a nerve because it has some truth to it.