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My girlfriend won't be end her relationship with her sexually abusive father

iAMconcerned18

By iAMconcerned18
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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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Hello! Newbie here seeking some advice. My girlfriend’s father sexually abused her when she was a child. She refuses to end her relationship with him. She says that she has forgiven him even though he never apologized to her. The ramifications of the abuse spill into our relationship. She’s incredibly volatile with her emotions. One day she’s overly happy and the next day, she’s depressed and she cries unconsolably and she’s riddled with anxiety. When it comes to sex, she’s almost obsessed with sex and wants it more than I want it. When I turn her down, she takes it as a rejection. I can handle her emotional ups and downs. I am willing to stick by her and try to help her through her issues. But I cannot accept that she keeps this monster in her life. She gets mad at me for not supporting her with this. But I just can’t do it! It goes against every fiber of my being! I hate her father for what he’s done to her! If it were up to me, I would beat him to a pulp! Aside from the sexual abuse, her father is still emotionally and mentally abusive to her and her mother. She knows that she should get rid of that toxic relationship and at one point she almost did. But recently that monster was hospitalized with Covid and survived. So now she is saying that this changes her whole outlook on her relationship with her father. That it scared her to lose him. Obviously this puts a bigger rift between us because she tries to make me feel guilty for not supporting her while that monster was hospitalized. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to have problems with her. She says that she understands why I feel so angry about that abuse. Honestly it turns my insides out! I love my girlfriend with all of my heart and I want what’s best for her. What can I do to maintain a somewhat normal relationship with her without compromising my own integrity?

FMW Established Member

FMW

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You can't make her cut off her relationship with her father, only she can come to that decision.  Since she's made it clear she's keeping him in her life, your only choices are accepting it or ending your relationship with her. 

FWIW, I couldn't accept that with someone I love either, so I would probably have to remove myself from the situation.  

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I am not shrink but sounds like she suffers from Stockholm syndrome ,It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. Look it up. Your girlfriend has huge psychological and emotional scars that she has not addressed. I have 2 female cousins that have been sexually abused by their father and both ran away from home at 16 and blocked him for life. One managed to have a regular life, the other has been living in the streets for 30 some years, we don't even know if she's alive. That's what abuse/incest does to you when it's not addressed.

She made her choice and she's keeping the incestuous abuser. If I were you I'd walk out. You want your grand-children to be in contact with this man? Because don't kid yourself she will want her children to have a relationship with their grand-father and she will lash out at your children like she does to you. 

Walk away.

 

 

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Sadly you have to either accept that you can't control how she feels about her dad or how she deals with him.  It will never be your choice.  All you can do is live with it. 

I understand you have her best interests at heart but it remains her decision.  She is free to make bad decisions. 

If you really can't deal, you can always walk away.   This has a lot of potential to get worse.  If you & she have kids, you certainly can't leave the kids alone with grandpa & that will cause more strain when she insists it's OK 

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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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You are in way over your head here.  This is a very unhealthy situation.You are not her therapist and you cannot change her.  You cannot make her cut her father out of her life, it's not your decision.  It's her decision and hers alone.  It's not your place to tell her what to do.  If you are not ok with the way things are, then you are going to have to break up with her.  It sounds like she's not emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship and needs to work through her issues.  She can't work through them with you; she needs to get into therapy.  

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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2 hours ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

 One day she’s overly happy and the next day, she’s depressed and she cries unconsolably and she’s riddled with anxiety. 

When it comes to sex, she’s almost obsessed with sex and wants it more than I want it. When I turn her down, she takes it as a rejection. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? You're focused on the wrong things. It's not your decision who is in touch with what family members or why. 

You have an issue with her moods, her sexuality, etc. That is the issue. 

 

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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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Thank you! I appreciate the replies. I know I can’t make her stop that disgusting relationship. I acknowledge that only she can end it. For clarification, she has kids but not with me. She would never leave her kids with that monster. She’s fully cognizant of the dangers that would pose for her children but even that doesn’t sway her. Another determining factor is her friendship with someone from her church that was abused by her own father as well. She encourages her not to turn on her father. They both feed off of each other. The other woman took care of her father until his death so this woman tells my girlfriend that she must forgive and she must do the same for her father. Her church states that they must forgive their abusers. Which I agree. My girlfriend should forgive her father for her own sanity and so that she is not consumed with anger but that doesn’t mean she should continue to have a relationship with him. That monster damaged her the day he decided to molest her. 

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

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2 hours ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

What can I do to maintain a somewhat normal relationship with her without compromising my own integrity?

Firstly, you need to realise that really, this isn't about you or your integrity. She, not you, has a very dysfunctional relationship with her abusive father.

For the rest, all you can do is be on standby to give her unconditional, non judgemental emotional support as needed. If you are (understandably) struggling to do this, you may want to consider putting some distance between the two of you. 

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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can i be devil's advocate here...do you know this actually happened?  just an avenue people seem to overlook, that i find is worth glancing at least.  

 

i'm not saying to doubt her or victim shame, just if this is as important to you as it sounds, just make sure you have all the information.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Sadly you have to either accept that you can't control how she feels about her dad or how she deals with him.  It will never be your choice.  All you can do is live with it. 

And if you can’t live with it, if the abuse she has endured in the past continues to affect her ability to have a healthy relationship today... you should walk away. 

Has she had any counselling? Would she be willing to go to individual counselling or couples counselling with you? 

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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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I thought about whether she is telling me the truth about the abuse or not but that theory would be hard to prove because when she initially told me about it she was so shaken up and she was crying so much. I couldn’t get her to stop and I see the effects in her. I believe she is telling me the truth.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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13 minutes ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

My girlfriend should forgive her father for her own sanity and so that she is not consumed with anger but that doesn’t mean she should continue to have a relationship with him. That monster damaged her the day he decided to molest her. 

Agree. Forgiveness can be done without having an ongoing relationship with the man. 

But that’s not your decision. Only she can make that decision, and she has chosen to stay in contact with the man.

It may be a very dysfunctional relationship, but it is the relationship that they share. 

If you plan to stay with this woman, perhaps individual counselling for you would help you to deal with your own feelings about this man and their relationship.

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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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I have a lot to think about. I love her and I want her to live a good happy life. Even with that what’s happened to her. Whether that would be with me or with someone else or even if she chooses to be single. I don’t want her to think any of this is her fault. 

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Just now, iAMconcerned18 said:

I don’t want her to think any of this is her fault. 

It’s not her fault. Why would you doubt her?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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2 hours ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

 When it comes to sex, she’s almost obsessed with sex and wants it more than I want it.

Have you read  about sexual abuse and incest? This behavior of hers comes from being abused at a very young age. She does not view or experience sex the way normal adults do. When daddy touched her and she touched him it made daddy happy, so making someone happy has to transit through sex. 

You are in deep deep deep trauma here. 

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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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I don’t. But when having some conversations with her, sometimes I think that she feels this is her fault.

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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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Gaeta you are so right! I see that in her. I can handle that because I have a lot of patience for her but I know this isn’t healthy for either one of us.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Just now, iAMconcerned18 said:

 sometimes I think that she feels this is her fault.

Of course she thinks that, ALL victims of abuse think somehow they may have brought this upon themselves. This is way too big for you to handle. She needs to reach to a serious association for sexual abuse victims and they'll take her hands in dealing with this. 

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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31 minutes ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

I have a lot to think about. I love her and I want her to live a good happy life. Even with that what’s happened to her. Whether that would be with me or with someone else or even if she chooses to be single. I don’t want her to think any of this is her fault. 

You say she's gone through abuse...well you are right, the abuse IS in your relationship...she has become the abuser. When you are in it, you can't see how bad it really is, because all of us would be running away not walking away from this. pull your emotions out if and take another look.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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3 hours ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

She’s incredibly volatile with her emotions. One day she’s overly happy and the next day, she’s depressed and she cries unconsolably and she’s riddled with anxiety. When it comes to sex, she’s almost obsessed with sex and wants it more than I want it. When I turn her down, she takes it as a rejection. I can handle her emotional ups and downs. I am willing to stick by her and try to help her through her issues.

How long exactly can you handle this without lashing back at her? It's going to get old soon. You think in 5 years you will still be patient with her volatile reactions? Her anxiety, depression, her sobbing. All the while she continues visiting her father which is feeding her pain.

How long have you been dating her?

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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59 minutes ago, iAMconcerned18 said:

Another determining factor is her friendship with someone from her church that was abused by her own father as well. She encourages her not to turn on her father. They both feed off of each other. 

Ok, add to your incompatibilities with family, sex, moods, etc. that you also have religious incompatibilities and issues with her friends. You need to let go. It's not your job to choose her family, church, friends, etc.

It's your job to observe all this and step out of the equation. In the future don't try to sever people from their friends, family, religious beliefs, etc. If you don't agree or dislike what you see, you end things.

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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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Gaeta we are going on 3 years now. It’s been challenging but fun too. But you’re right. Her issues are taking a toll on me.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Just now, iAMconcerned18 said:

Her issues are taking a toll on me.

You will burn yourself to the ground, you will leave when she'll have sucked all the life and patience out of you. You will be left broken, bitter, and your path to recovery from this breakup will be long and hard. It's much better to leave when you still have some common sense left in you. Like @smackie9 said, you are shocked she was in such abusive relationship but you are yourself in an abusive relationship at this moment.

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iAMconcerned18 Member

iAMconcerned18

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Gaeta you’re right. I think I’m gonna leave her. That’s what needs to be done!

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