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I don't know what this means: He told me he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, yet isn't sure he wants to be with me

divegrl

By divegrl
in Dating

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am as well questioning a few things here. 

  • If he loves her why did he threaten the Relationship. That screams manipulation to me.
  • What the heck people mean when they want others to open up. Open up about what? He wants to be her shrink? 
  • This is too much for a 2  month relationship. Having *talked* once in a while during years does not make you *know* someone. It's easy to keep a façade when all you do is talk on phone and text.  

Exactly. 

To express a desire to know someone's hopes and dreams is fine, but don't threaten the relationship and you have to be willing to go first yourself (as you are asking for some vulnerability).

Worse is to threaten the relationship based on asking for something vague, to threaten to end things unless you "read my mind" to "make me feel good" is the highest form of BS manipulation.  It's this kind of vague request + threat that would have me saying later, and have.

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

A conversation of substance, of course!  Deep and intense?  That is something entirely different imo.

....

Not necessarily to me, I like intellectual and spiritual passion, and not being afraid to discuss some of ones beliefs, dreams, things that matter.   As opposed to, for example, tell me about the traumas of your past and all your emotional triggers :) .  One can be deep and intense without exposing ones most vulnerable self.

Now of course one of the problems (and believe there are more than one) with the guy in the original post is he was vague.  What exactly was he after?  If he is going to threaten the relationship based on it needs to be explicit, no guessing games.

  • Like 3
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Not necessarily to me, I like intellectual and spiritual passion, and not being afraid to discuss some of ones beliefs, dreams, things that matter.   

I do as well, but it takes time to develop the type of trust to feel comfortable discussing such topics, at least for me.  You said earlier, second date, that would be way too soon for me, so I suppose if we were dating, you would have dumped me!  🤣 

Back to divegrl's guy, the sad part about shyt testing and manipulations are they often work!  Just like in divegrl's case.

The recipient becomes scared, confused, insecure, and thus the manipulator has succeeded in flipping the script and turning his partner into the one who seeks reassurance.

It's classic gaslighting.  

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 4
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

I agree a more practical approach would be to encourage her to open up and practice listening, men can do this simply by being vulnerable themselves. Not throw up a glaring rejection sign that reads: "I love you but I do not know if I want to be with you."

  • Like 3
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted (edited)

My take on it is when he said he wanted her to open up he meant he wants her to express her love to him, he needs reassurance, probably wants to know if she sees him in her future and all that insecure crap. OR, he wants to know about all of her scars and wants dirty details of her past relationships which you don't have to do that AT ALL, and if you are inclined to confessing everything to your partner I suggest you don't do it at 2 months dating.

Everything about opening up about her dreams and fears,  I don't see the big deal. I could tell a stranger my dreams and fears with noooo problem >>>> I dream of retiring in a hot place and I fear getting sick and not be able to enjoy my old years. What is soooooooooo vulnerable about that? 

 

Edited by Gaeta
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
49 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Everything about opening up about her dreams and fears,  I don't see the big deal. I could tell a stranger my dreams and fears with noooo problem >>>> I dream of retiring in a hot place and I fear getting sick and not be able to enjoy my old years. What is soooooooooo vulnerable about that? 

Fair point, and you're right nothing vulnerable about that.   For me with respect to opening up to a man I am dating/becoming close with, I don't consider retiring on a desert island a dream, more a desire ; when I think of dreams, I think of something of a more personal nature and re fears, more my fears with respect to getting close to people/partners and relationships in general, including with him.

It sounds to me like divegrl's guy was insecure and wanted to have something along the lines of "the talk," which in my experience most men don't initiate, in fact I haven't either.   The closest I came was asking my ex if we were exclusive after 2.5 months and he responded he thought we already were.

Her guy needing to have the talk is fine, but there are better ways to go about that than manipulating her into initiating the discussion by essentially threatening to end the relationship, without even telling her why, forcing her to become confused and ask, initiate the discussion.  As sumguy said, reading his mind.

Women (some not all) do this too, that behaviour is not gender specific.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted (edited)
54 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It sounds to me like divegrl's guy was insecure and wanted to have something along the lines of "the talk," which in my experience most men don't initiate, in fact I haven't either.   The closest I came was asking my ex if we were exclusive after 2.5 months and he responded he thought we already were.

But was he insecure? I have to wonder. They've known each other for years and years, so there should not be any surprises between them, that would cause him (a guy who has a reputation for 6-12 month relationships with women due to his bachelor paradise ways) to manipulate divegrl into being more emotionally vulnerable to him. I think he manipulated divegrl because that's his m.o. with women in general; that's why he objectifies women to the point where he only values them as short-term relationships. 

We also don't know if they had this conversation face to face or over video long distance, or if their relationship is long distance right now and will be moving forward. 

I don't view guys like divegrl's guy as being emotionally manipulative because they are good guys with poor social skills. Nope. I see guys like him as a wolf in sheep's clothing. Guys who have a history of casual, short-term, long distance or local relationships with women have some serious commitment issues. Like, worthy of therapy seriousness. 

Divegrl, I really don't understand your draw to this guy and why you'd undermine yourself to fit into his life the way you seem to have. Why devalue yourself for a guy who has never had a serious long-term (beyond a year) relationship with a woman locally (not long distance - I don't count those as 'real' if the two people never meet in person). Why, divegrl, do you think he is the 'best' you can do, for a romantic partner? If he were a fish, I'd throw him back. 

Edited by Watercolors
  • Like 1
Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

Knowing each other for years ... seems to me that they would have touched on some of the juicy stuff of life. 

I have to say: opening up about my exact dreams ... totally vulnerable. Not fantasies, but dreams. 

Sure, I can share fantasy goals, but revealing the realistic and specific goals, exact work accomplishments and all of that ... definitely is revealing and open. 

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

You could be right WC, who the heck knows, it's all speculation.  @divegrlyou have known him for a long time, if you're okay with what's happening, play it out.  If you get hurt, so be, life goes on.

I'm bowing out now and wish you well, have fun and enjoy!

 

 

  • Like 2
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

They spoke for years and all that time  he did not complain about her level of openness.

While she was with her cheating ex she was talking to him about her relationship issues so opening up was not an issue on her part.

I still don't know what he wants!!  I am more lost and confused than OP :classic_sad: 

  • Like 3
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 2/12/2021 at 5:28 PM, Gaeta said:

I still don't know what he wants!!  I am more lost and confused than OP :classic_sad: 

Yeah, me too, but if divegrl doesn't wish to share more info and context, that's her right.

I do have a feeling however this is some sort of long distance on-line romance (not that there is anything bad or wrong with that), which is why she's being a bit evasive, I could be wrong.

In any event, good luck divegrl, I hope everything works out the way you hope. xo

Edited by poppyfields
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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
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Posted
6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah, me too, but if divegrl doesn't wish to share more info and context, that's her right.

I do have a feeling however this is some sort of long distance on-line romance (not that there is anything bad or wrong with that), which is why she's being a bit evasive, I could be wrong.

In any event, good luck divegrl, I hope everything works out the way you hope. xo

Hi Poppy Fields!

 

Thank you for the good energy! It is more then appreciated! Sending you love too!

 

Have a beautiful day!

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